Dear Stormy Daniels,
Big fan. Loved you in The 40-Year-Old Virgin and Knocked Up.
Your surprise appearance on Saturday Night Live a week ago was a hoot. Maybe two.
In the SNL sketch, US President Donald Trump (played by Alec Baldwin) asked you over the phone: “What do you need for all this to go away?”
You (played by you) replied: “A resignation.”
Who did you think you were talking to? Then-Malaysian prime minister Najib Razak?
I know you and Mr Trump have a complicated history.
His lawyer admitted to paying you US$130,000 not to talk about your alleged 2006 affair with Mr Trump.
You claimed you once spanked him with a magazine with him on the cover.
And you’re the one suing him for defamation.
Is it me or are you trying to bring down the President of the United States?
Which is your prerogative.
But can you just do me one favour?
If you do bring down President Trump, can you do it after June 12?
Wait a month. Please?
You see, five days after your SNL appearance, Mr Trump tweeted that he is meeting North Korean leader Kim Jong Un in Singapore on that date.
Many of us Singaporeans are really excited about it. Our country hasn’t been in the international spotlight like this since, uh... the Crazy Rich Asians trailer?
Even our Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong said “he looked forward to welcoming President Trump to Singapore”.
We have not been this hyped for an American visiting our little island since Robert Downey Jr.
He is Iron Man, you know.
And just like in Avengers: Infinity War, nothing less than the fate of half the universe – or at least the Korean peninsula – is at stake.
You don’t want to be Thanos, do you? (Spoiler: He killed a lot of people.)
Personally, I am more psyched that Mr Kim is coming to Singapore.
I went to North Korea two years ago just to get a haircut like his – and I haven’t cut my hair since.
My hair has grown so long and unsightly that my wife is now begging me to cut it. And in honour of Rocket Man’s visit, I may actually do it.But if you get Mr Trump’s resignation (like you said you wanted on SNL) before June 12, the meeting could be called off and Mr Kim wouldn’t be coming, which means no haircut.
You don’t want to disappoint my wife, do you?
In return, I would offer to buy all the movies you directed – except that I don’t think they are allowed in Singapore. (Though spanking is.)
Instead, I would like to invite you to the Lion City as my guest.
I will take you to Gardens by the Bay and eat crispy chicken rendang and all that, and we can talk smack about Seth Rogen.
My wife would probably insist on the tagging along. Just try and stop her!
It will be fun. You can see my new haircut.
By the way, can you tell me how I can get in touch with Special Counsel Robert Mueller as well?
I would ask the US ambassador to Singapore, but there isn’t one.
Here’s hoping Mr Mueller doesn’t get Mr Trump impeached before June 12 too.
After June 12, whatevs.
Thanks for reading this and give my best to Thunder and Lightning.
- Published in The New Paper, 14 May 2018
UPDATE: Summit or no summit, I'm rescinding my invitation to Stormy Daniels to visit Singapore
