Oh, brother! I once pitched to Mediacorp Channel 5 an idea for sitcom about a Malay family and was told to add a Chinese character

Oh no, she didn’t!

But she did. I think someone just called Mediacorp racist.

Or did she?

That someone is broadcast journalist Sharanjit Leyl.



In a BBC radio programme that aired two days before National Day, she said: “My pride in multicultural Singapore comes with the acknowledgement that had I been born Chinese, my life would have been a lot easier.”

She talked about how even though she had a master’s degree and broadcast journalism experience in Canada, “I struggled to get my foot in the door at the local news broadcaster”.

The “local news broadcaster” she was referring to is, of course, Mediacorp.

So she got a job at Bloomberg, where one of her duties was to provide currency updates to Mediacorp.

“They told my bosses they didn’t want me doing TV updates for them,” said Ms Sharanjit.

“I know the man who ran the newsroom of that same TV channel, who ironically happens to be Indian Singaporean.

“And I confronted him about why there were still so few Indian and Malay anchors presenting their programmes.

“His response was that viewers did not like watching darker-skinned presenters.”

So she was not actually accusing Mediacorp of being racist. She was accusing Mediacorp of accusing its viewers of being racist.

Mediacorp has since released a statement that Ms Sharanjit appears to be referring to its editor-in-chief Walter Fernandez, who did not say what she said he said.

He said: “To my recollection, I did not reference race or skin colour at all in our conversation.”

The company also said that it is “committed to equal opportunities and diversity in our workforce” and its “hiring policies and practices are based on merit”.



I was once (actually thrice) a Mediacorp employee and this reminds me of my own experience there.

I used to work on Channel 5 shows like Phua Chu Kang Pte Ltd, Under One Roof, Living With Lydia and Shiver.




We regularly had pitch meetings where we proposed new show ideas for the channel.

One day, I decided to pitch a sitcom about a Malay family. It had never been done on Channel 5 before. The closest we got was Police & Thief, starring Mark Lee and Suhaimi Yusof, which was about a Malay family – and also a Chinese family.



It seems that on Channel 5, while Chinese characters can be the leads, if there are minority characters, they are part of the ensemble or co-leads at best.





The rationale, of course, is that since Singapore is majority Chinese, this should be reflected in the casting of the show to get the most viewers.

But when I analysed the viewership of the most popular Channel 5 programmes, what I noticed was that Malays comprised a sizable chunk disproportionate to their population.

I figured that if I could grow this demographic, I could get boffo ratings for my show. Most Chinese viewers are watching Channel 8 anyway.

So my motivation was more commercial than woke.

I also thought that a Channel 5 series with an all-Malay cast would be a first and make a great marketing hook.

When I pitched my concept, the feedback I got from the executives running Channel 5 (all Chinese) was they liked the idea – but could I include a Chinese character as well?

What? That would defeat the whole purpose of the show!

No, I wasn’t going to change anything, I snapped.

My reaction was so antagonistic that the executives just didn’t want to deal with me any more and moved on to another pitch.

I immediately regretted my outburst. I guess I could have added a Chinese character. Or pretended that I would.

But in hindsight, perhaps it was for the best. A blessing in disguise. I am probably not the most qualified person to create a sitcom about a Malay family.

My idea was a show called Brudder! which would centre around two brothers. A lot of the dialogue would just be them going “Brudder!”

That would not have aged well. I definitely dodged a bullet there. I should thank those Channel 5 execs for saving me from myself by rejecting my pitch, even though it was due less to its lack of merit and more to my obnoxiousness.

But I did do a pilot about an Indian family starring Gurmit Singh for Channel 5 that didn’t go to series and was never aired.

Yes, it did have Chinese characters.

Well, at least nobody told me that Channel 5 viewers did not like watching darker-skinned characters.

- Unpublished

Who’s your (founding) daddy? Raffles Versus LKY: Dawn Of Semantics

Somewhere out there, Sir Stamford Raffles must be feeling kind of miffed.

That is, if he is capable of feeling anything since, you know, he’s been dead for almost two centuries.

A year ago today, if someone were to ask me to who the founder of Singapore is, I would say the guy whom Raffles Place MRT station is named after.

A year ago today was March 20, 2015.

Three days later, Mr Lee Kuan Yew died.

In a message to Singaporeans, President Tony Tan Keng Yam said: “Yesterday, we lost the founding father of Singapore.”

And the President wasn’t referring to Raffles.

After that, it became almost de rigeur to call Mr Lee “the founding father of Singapore”.



And I would have to take a second to stop and swap out the image of a rather dandy-looking British gentleman in my brain for that of an older Chinese gentleman.

Yes, there is a distinction between “founder” and “founding father”, and no one has ever called Mr Lee the “founder” of Singapore.

Unfortunately, people have called Raffles the “founding father” of Singapore.



Hence, my slight confusion.

For many of us, ahem, more mature Singaporeans, we knew Mr Lee best as Prime Minister (or PM), which he was from 1959 to 1990.

Then he was Senior Minister (SM) for 14 years and Minister Mentor (MM) for seven.

After Mr Lee retired in 2011, we ran out of abbreviations to call him. We didn’t call him “former Minister Mentor” or “Emeritus Senior Minister”. (Hello, ESM Goh Chok Tong!)

While we did call Mr Lee “Singapore’s founding father” before he died, it was only after his death that it practically became his default title.

Before I go on, I want to emphasise that I’m not in any way questioning the contributions of Mr Lee to the founding of Singapore as a nation. So don’t come after me, Ministry of Culture, Community and Youth.

I just want to explore - with respect and dignity - other perhaps more accurate descriptions of Mr Lee that won’t make me do a double-take.

This is where I’m going to get a little nitpicky with words.

Okay, if Raffles was the founder of Singapore, to avoid confusion, could Mr Lee be the founding father of “modern” Singapore then?

That depends on your definition of “modern”.

Because according to Singapore Tourism Board website YourSingapore.com:

“Modern Singapore was founded in the 19th century, thanks to politics, trade and a man known as Sir Thomas Stamford Raffles.”

Yes, despite having lived and died before the invention of Instagram, Raffles was considered the founder of “modern” Singapore.

What’s left for Mr Lee? How about “the founding father of independent Singapore”?

Sure, if you don’t mind adding four more syllables to an already mouthful of words.

At this point, you may ask: “Why can’t there be more than one founding father of Singapore? You know what they say, success has many fathers.”

Sure, except that President Tan said “we lost the founding father of Singapore”, not “we lost a founding father of Singapore”.

However...

When Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong addressed the nation on the passing of his dad last year, he said: “The first of our founding fathers is no more.”



The poignancy of the double meaning of the word “father” aside, PM Lee acknowledged we had multiple founding fathers.

(I’m not sure about his use of the word “first”, though. Did he mean chronologically? Then what about Raffles, again?)

A month later in Parliament, PM Lee further advocated that we should “remember our founders, not just Mr Lee, but the core founding fathers of the country”.

The problem is no one is going to call Mr Lee “a” founding father of Singapore. Everyone uses “the”.

It also doesn’t help that for brevity’s sake, he is often described as “Singapore’s founding father”, not “one of Singapore’s founding fathers”.

What to do?

The apparent solution lies in a written statement from the Prime Minister’s Office a year ago. It said:

“The Prime Minister is deeply grieved to announce the passing of Mr Lee Kuan Yew, the founding Prime Minister of Singapore.”

Before that statement, I had never heard of the term “founding Prime Minister”. Have you?

It seemed to have been manufactured for the occasion.

Why can’t we just say “first Prime Minister”? Why must we force the word “founding” into everything?

Should we start calling Mr Yusof Ishak Singapore’s “founding President” as well?

Has any other leader in world been called “founding Prime Minister”?

Actually, yes - David Ben-Gurion, who led the founding of the state of Israel in 1948.

But despite my misgivings, “founding Prime Minister” appears to be slowly overtaking “founding father” as the go-to term to describe Mr Lee as we approach the first anniversary of his death this week.

At least Raffles should be relieved, wherever he is.

- Unpublished

'Cheeky fella': PM Lee finds out about SMRT Ltd (Feedback)

Imagine you’re the Prime Minister of Singapore.

Here you are, minding your own business, giving your New Year message and welcoming 2015 at Bishan-Ang Mo Kio Park wearing a balloon hat.

Then you find out you have been called out in a blog by SMRT Ltd (Feedback) in a post entitled “The Xiaxue & Nuffnang Exposé (Part I)”.

Wait, what?

“What did SMRT say about me? Call Desmond Kuek, CEO of SMRT, and tell him I demand an explanation! Is there a part two to this exposé?”

Mr Kuek hurries to the Prime Minister’s office.

You show him the blog.

“Oh, that’s not ours,” he says.

“I’m told it’s by SMRT Ltd (Feedback),” you say.

“Uh… yes. It’s a spoof site. They’re just using our name, but it’s not us,” he says.

You can’t believe what you’re hearing. “And you let them get away with it? How long have this been going on?”

“Just over three years. Since The Great MRT Breakdown of December 2011.”

“So long?”

“To be fair,” he says, “I have been CEO only since October 2012. You should talk to Saw Phaik Hwa. She was CEO then. I have her number. You want me to call her for you?”

You give Mr Kuek a look.

“Tell me more about this SMRT Ltd (Feedback),” you request calmly.

“Sure, have you been to Sim Lim Square?” he asks.

You give him another look.

“Anyway,” he continues, “in November, there was this big hoo-ha over this Vietnamese tourist reduced to tears at this Sim Lim Square shop called Mobile Air. The guy who ran the shop is this fella called Jover Chew.”



“Yah, I remember him. Did his parents actually name him Jover?” you ask.

“I can check," he says. “Anyway, a lot of people hated him. So SMRT Ltd (Feedback) published his phone number and address. He and his wife ended up getting harassed, and SMRT Ltd (Feedback) became famous. People called them vigilantes.”

You interrupt: “You mean like Charles Bronson in Death Wish?”



Mr Kuek gives you a blur look.

“Never mind,” you say. “Continue.”

He continues: “After the Sim Lim saga, SMRT Ltd (Feedback) was going to target a company called Data Register.”

“What’s that?” you ask.

“It’s a bit complicated,” he says. “Last year, ACRA brought charges against Data Register for failing to display the company name and registration number in its correspondences with other companies.

“But it doesn’t matter because, in the end, SMRT Ltd (Feedback) didn’t do anything to Data Register.”

“Why?” you ask.

“Because of Xiaxue,” he says.

“Xiaxue?”

“You know, the blogger? She’s with this company called Nuffnang. She’s a PAP supporter.”

You sigh. “We get all kinds.”



“Anyway,” he continues, “Xiaxue published this exposé about Gushcloud, which is Nuffnang’s competitor. So SMRT Ltd (Feedback) decided to do an exposé on Xiaxue and Nuffnang just because they find her annoying.”

“But how did I get dragged into this?” you ask. “I have nothing to do with these people.”

Mr Kuek explains: “In the exposé, SMRT Ltd (Feedback) published the number of inactive and suspicious or empty accounts that Xiaxue’s Twitter followers have and as a comparison, they also highlighted your numbers. She has 68 per cent ‘good’ followers while you have 46 per cent.”





“And they called me a ‘cheeky fella’! What do they mean by that?” you ask.

“They’re sort of implying that you bought fake followers, but I think it’s meant tongue-in-cheek, if you’ll pardon the pun.”

“What pun?” you ask.

“Never mind,” he says. “Anyway, as Xiaxue pointed out, you’re the leader of our country, both a Cambridge and Harvard graduate, with countless achievements under your belt. Who would be so stupid as to believe that you buy Twitter followers?”

“Then where do all these fake followers come from?” you ask.

“They’re like spam” he says. “Everybody gets them. Even Barack Obama. It's really no big deal.”



You think about it.

“So what are you going to do about these SMRT Ltd (Feedback) jokers? You're going to let them keep using your name?” you ask the SMRT CEO.

“We’re working on it,” he says.

“Yah, like how you’re working on preventing train delays. Happy new year, Desmond,” you say as you dismisses him.



“Happy new year, Prime Minister,” he says and leaves.

You quickly check your Twitter.

- Unpublished


EARLIER: SMRT Ltd (Feedback): From troll to online vigilante to just another blogger?

Getting your chicks for free: What are the career options?

People sometimes ask me why my hair is so long.

The answer is simple – haircuts cost money.

And it's not just a one-time cost because hair grows back. So to maintain a short length, you need to pay to get your hair cut again and again. It adds up, you know?

Some people have suggested that I shave my head.

I don't understand how that suggestion helps because shaving my head costs money too.

Even at the Hair For Hope event at VivoCity this weekend, you have to pay at least $20 as a walk-in to get your head shaved.

I understand it’s for a good cause, but it's only $10 at QB House.

Perhaps the idea is that if I shaved my head, it would take longer for my hair to grow back and so I would need to visit the barber less often and thus save money.

My response to that is, wouldn't I save more money by not cutting my hair at all?

Anyway, when I was in school and national service, that was sort of what I did – I cut my hair botak each time I went to the barber so that I got my money's worth.

Then I would let my hair grow until the discipline master or the encik started giving me the evil eye and I would get a durian head again.

This went on until I was 40 when I got my Hamilton watch from the Government for my years of military service to the Republic of Singapore and was no longer liable for call-up.

That was when I decided that since I don’t have to cut my hair anymore, I would stop doing it. Free at last!

Okay, all that you have just read? It’s just a cover story.

Want to know the real reason my hair is so long? It’s because I want to look like a rock star.

Why do I want to be a rock star?

Because I want to get my money for nothing and my chicks for free. You know how much I like free stuff.



But after all these years of using a Dire Straits song as a guide for major life decisions, I now realise that I could have aspired to other professions if my aim was to get chicks for free.

I should’ve gone into medicine or law instead – just like my mother wanted!

Last week, a psychiatrist was suspended and fined for having a sexual relationship with a patient while a National University of Singapore law professor was charged with having sex with a student in exchange for giving her a better grade.

If only I had listened to my mother, I could be naked with a patient or a law student (maybe even both) at this very moment.

Too bad I wasn’t so academically inclined in my youth. Instead of trying to get into medical school or law school, I was too busy learning the guitar and writing songs about selling my soul for rock ‘n’ roll when I should be writing songs about selling my soul for a roll in the hay.

Remember recently, it was alleged that former Singapore Civil Defence Force (SCDF) chief Peter Lim Sin Pang had sexual encounters with three female IT executives in three different carparks, a Clementi flat, a Tanjong Rhu apartment and a Paris hotel?

I was so jealous. Even Russell Brand would be jealous – and Brand used to be married to Katy Perry’s breasts.

And as if to purposely show me up, the SCDF guy looks like the opposite of a rock star. Still water runs creep.

And he didn’t even go to medical school or law school. He studied mechanical engineering. I studied electronics engineering.

Hey, I also know CPR (I give great mouth-to-mouth) and how to handle a hose. Why can’t I be the head of SCDF?

But I guess I should stop deluding myself. I’m never going to be a head of a government agency so that I can have sex in a stationary vehicle.

I’m never going to be a psychiatrist or a law professor. And most tragic of all, I’m never going to be a rock star. So Adam Levine has one less rival to worry about. Anybody wants to buy a used guitar?

Well, what are my career options now?

I applied to be the director of the movie Snow White And The Huntsman, but apparently, that position had already been filled.

Wait. I know what to do – I can become a teacher!

That’s the way you do it.

Finally, I have a reason to cut my hair. QB House, here I come.

- Unpublished

A fire rises in the cinema: Should you stay or should you go?

Ah, the magic of the movies.

A few years ago, I went to see Hellboy 2: The Golden Army at the West Mall cineplex in Bukit Batok. After the usual trailers and ads, the movie began quietly.

The animated Universal Pictures logo came on without music. Next, the logo for a company called Relativity Media.



Then these words silently appeared: “In 1944, a team of paranormal researchers, together with the US Army, rescued a strange creature during a classified mission off the coast of Scotland.”

Next, an old photo of a strange little creature posing with soldiers and more text: “Secretly adopted, this creature now lives among us. It loves candy and TV. Codename: Hellboy.”

So far so good. I thought it was a brave choice to open the movie with complete silence, but it was an effective way to create suspense and an ominous mood.

The first shot of the movie is of a lightly snow-covered army base on Christmas Eve, 1955. Still no music. Still no sound. Now it was getting a little weird, but I was willing to go with it.

Then I saw John Hurt talking but heard no words coming out of his mouth. Yet, the Chinese subtitles indicated that he was saying something.

That was when I began to suspect a problem.

Then when little Hellboy started talking and still nothing could be heard, that sort of confirmed it.

Someone had accidentally set the movie to mute.

I sat there in the theatre and wondered: “Well, what do I do now?

“Is the projectionist aware that there’s no sound? If he’s aware, he would’ve fixed it already. Should I tell him?

“Where is he? Should I be a hero and try to find him or someone else who works in the cinema? Maybe the ticket seller.

“What if someone else in the audience had already done that? Then I would be leaving my seat and missing the movie (albeit without sound) for nothing.

“But what if I stayed in my seat and no one did anything. Would I be willing to sit through the whole movie with no sound and make do with the Chinese subtitles?

“I mean, how important is sound anyway?”

Then I heard someone in the cinema (I think she was a cleaner) yelling in Hokkien to someone else I couldn’t see that there was no sound and to restart the movie. Way to spoil the mood.

The screen suddenly went blank.

Great. So now there was no sound and no picture.

I sat there in the dark and wondered: “Well, what do I do now?

“Should I stay or should I go? I feel stupid just sitting here in the dark.

“Are they going to restart the movie?
From where they stopped it or from the beginning? Do I really want to sit through the beginning of the movie again?

“What if they can’t fix the sound? Do I want to sit here and wait while they try?

“Or should I just get out while the getting is good and try to get a refund? That’s going to be a hassle.”

Suddenly, there was a light and the Universal logo came on again, this time with sound.

I realised sound really did make a huge difference.

The rest of the movie continued without any mishap except for Selma Blair’s acting.

But there was no apology from the cinema staff, not that Selma Blair’s acting is their fault.



So when I read in The New Paper about a curtain catching fire in a Causeway Point cinema 10 minutes into The Dark Knight Rises screening last Thursday, I understood why some of the audience members weren’t sure if they should leave.

If I were in the audience, I would sit there and wonder: “Well, what do I do now?

“Should I evacuate? But they haven’t stopped the movie. I don’t want to miss anything.

“If I evacuate, can I get a refund?

“And even if I can, do I want to go through the hassle of buying another ticket and sit through the first 10 minutes of the movie again?

“It doesn’t look like a very big fire. It’s only the size of A4 paper. Not even A3.

“Maybe someone is just burning a Singapore flag again. I think I’ll stay and watch the movie until SCDF comes.

“I can barely understand what Bane is saying. Is there something wrong with the sound?”

According to The New Paper report, the fire lasted about a minute before it was put out. Everyone was then directed out of the theatre and given free tickets.

One moviegoer caught the next screening for The Dark Knight Rises. He was quoted as saying: “I had also bought popcorn and drinks, and didn’t want to waste it.”

If only he had risen to the occasion and used the drinks to put out the fire, he could’ve been a hero.

But hey, not everyone can be Batman. Or Hellboy.

At least no one was shot to death.

- Unpublished

‘Isaw-isphy’ is a sphytty name for a blog

Dear Ms Saw Phaik Hwa,

Congratulations on starting a blog. That’s so 2004, but hey, better late than never.

Not that I'm an expert on such matters, although as a journalist, I've been writing about the web since 1993 and witnessed the rise and fall of Netscape, Sembawang Media and that screechy noise you hear when you connect to the Internet using dial-up.



I'm still relying on antediluvian Blogger for my own blog, whereas I noticed you're using WordPress. That alone makes you cooler than me (not that it takes a lot to be cooler than me).

Have you tried Tumblr? Apparently, it's more popular than WordPress now. To me, Tumblr is just the picture book version of WordPress for people who are afraid of words.

LiveJournal? TypePad? Meh.

I'm also exploring this other blogging platform called Posterous since Twitter just bought over the company. I'll keep you posted. (Ha! Posterous, posted - get it?)

By the way, since you're leaving SMRT next month, have you considered e-mailing your CV to The Online Citizen (TOC)?

I recently read that TOC website is looking for an editor with "some experience" in writing and blogging. I would've applied, but TOC also wants someone "familiar with Wordpress", which I’m not - but you are.

You should apply since it's advertised as a "paid position". I'm sure TOC can offer you a salary that's close to what you're getting at your current job.

And don't worry about getting lawyer's letters from the Prime Minister and his brother. That's Temasek Review Emeritus, which is a different website.



I’m also impressed that you have your own domain name, isaw-isphy.com, instead of a subdomain name like isaw-isphy.wordpress.com.

That said, what kind of stupid name is “isaw-isphy” for a blog? It’s unpronounceable and so easy to misspell.

I assume it’s a play on your name to mean a philosophy based on what you’ve seen. I think you’re trying too hard.

How about something simple like trainofpain.com? Or notsosmrt.com?

If you want to play on your name, how about isawphaikchek.com? No, that’s also trying too hard.

I know! How about something short and sweet like sawspot.com? I just checked - the domain name sawspot.com is still available!

But having a blog is only the beginning. Nowadays, you also need to create a whole social media ecosystem, including a Facebook page and Twitter feed.



If Angelina Jolie’s right leg can have its own Twitter account, you with all your four limbs (unlike one unlucky Thai girl I can mention) should have at least one.

Next, you can join Flickr, where you can upload photos of yourself as Cleopatra at the company dinner.

You can even create your own YouTube channel, where you can post videos of yourself as Cleopatra at the company dinner.



There’s a lot of hype about Pinterest now, but to me, the picture-focused upstart is just for people who find Tumblr too literate. (Most Pinterest users are women.)

That said, it wouldn't hurt to add a picture or two to your blog to liven it up a little.



But you know what’s the most important thing about blogging? You mustn’t quit.

Because that’s what most people do. The web is littered with abandoned blogs.

I mean you’ve already quit one thing recently (being CEO of SMRT). You don’t want it to become a habit, do you?

Yes, I understand that you may be discouraged by the negative comments on your blog, but haters gonna hate.

I particularly like this one, which I shall quote verbatim: “You may look pity, but u cant decline the facts of MRT break down that cause so many problems. U also force PM Lee to cancel his leave, come back to sg and claimed his people down.”

And this one: “why cannot eat sweets in the train and on the platform? why smrt staff stopped me??? eat sweets also cannot???”

Judging by the number of question marks, I'm guessing the last person must have been on a sugar high when he or she commented on your blog.

The best blogging advice I’ve read is that to be a successful blogger, you must have very thick skin. Just look at Xiaxue.

And after the public criticism following the MRT disruption last year, I believe your skin must be thicker than a cable tie by now.

So keep posting! I’m sure Singaporeans are curious to know your reaction to last Thursday's North-East Line disruption.

I’m wondering whether it’s “Wah, lucky I’m not CEO of SBS Transit” or “I think there may be a job opening for me at SBS Transit soon”.

TOC can wait.

Regards,
S M Ong



UPDATE: She was not Cleopatra

UPDATE UPDATE: She did not apply for TOC

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE: Has she quit her blog?

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE: She has quit her blog

'Smooth'? Public transport not so picture-perfect

A minister taking the bus?

Maybe that crazy Harold Camping was right – the world has ended.

Maybe we’re now living in a post-apocalyptic alternate universe where cats chase dogs, “family man” footballer Ryan Giggs sleeps with strippers and millionaire Cabinet members have figured out how to use the ez-link card.

That's the only way I can explain the photo of new Transport Minister Lui Tuck Yew reading a newspaper on a public bus that surfaced last week.



On the front page of the paper he was reading was a story related to the review of ministers’ salaries. The joke was that Mr Lui was switching to public transport in anticipation of a paycut.

Regarding the photo, Mr Lui wrote on his Facebook page: “The journey was smooth at that time of the morning.”

“Smooth” is how I would describe my baby-soft skin, that song by Santana featuring the lead singer from Matchbox 20 and a nice cold smoothie blending the two.



But a ride on a public bus? Unlikely.

My Facebook comment would more likely be: “Why do people insist on standing near the exits when they’re not alighting and block the way of alighting passengers? Because they’re inconsiderate idiots!”

I might or might not use the word “horrified” which was how MP Lim Biow Chuan described how he felt about waiting an hour for a bus last week.

At least Mr Lim’s experience more accurately reflects the waking nightmare that hundreds of thousands of commuters have to endure everyday.

Which is more than can be said of the Public Transport Council (PTC) review released last month (just before the election), which declared that both SBS Transit and SMRT Buses had met all of PTC’s Quality of Service standards. A perfect score.

Since then, Mr Raymond Lim has been replaced as Transport Minister by Mr Lui.

Perhaps PTC should raise its standards.

Unlikely.

But what will most likely be raised later this year are the bus and train fares.

In January, PTC announced that it “has decided to defer this year’s fare review exercise to the fourth quarter of 2011 to coincide” with the opening of two more phases of the Circle Line.

“Fare review exercise” is , of course, code for fare hike – unless you expect the transport companies to look at the current fare prices and say: “Hey, we’ve made enough money for our stockholders. Let’s lower the fares as a surprise present for the public we serve.”

Unlikely.

Here’s a suggestion: Instead of raising fares, do away with those annoying and futile commuter courtesy campaigns starring Dim Sum Dollies, Phua Chu Kang or other local entertainers.





I don’t want Michelle Chong as Barbarella urging me to move inside in her mock SPG accent anytime in the near future.



Take the budget for that and spend it on buying more buses and trains. If the sum is not enough, use the money that would be saved from the ministers’ paycut – sorry, I mean “salary review”.

Then maybe one day, all our bus journeys will be as “smooth” as Mr Lui’s.

Unlikely.

- Unpublished

UPDATE: Lui says more buses a-comin'

What MediaCorp should apologise for – but didn't

Dear MediaCorp,

I would like to commend you on your prompt apology for the e-mail – excuse me, I mean “electronic direct mail” or EDM – sent by your marketing communications department canvassing for advertisements on Channel NewsAsia during its “comprehensive coverage” of the earthquake and tsunami in Japan.

Your senior vice-president of marketing and sales planning, Mr Eddie Koh, said: “We apologise unreservedly if we had been seen to be insensitive to the gravity of the situation.”

And so what “if” you were?

It’s not like you were actually being insensitive – you were only “seen” as being insensitive.

And who are the people doing the “seeing”?

It’s those pesky “netizens”. It’s their fault.

They had criticised the EDM as “opportunistic”, “unsavoury” and “despicable”.

In your apology, Mr Koh has clarified that the EDM was meant for a “targeted group of clients and agencies”.

The implication is that, unlike netizens, these clients and agencies would appreciate the opportunistic, unsavoury and despicable nature of the EDM.

You were only catering to their needs. It’s because of these clients and agencies that you were “seen” to be insensitive. If anything, they should apologise to you.

What’s the big deal anyway? It’s not like you drew a cartoon of Ultraman running away from a tsunami.



As Mr Koh said: “We hope the public will be forgiving and we can focus our attention and efforts on the affected victims of this most unfortunate tragedy.”

I believe that MediaCorp has already made up for any perceived gaffe by raising more than $4.25 million for the Society for the Physically Disabled with a live charity show on Channel 8 two days after the earthquake. Well done!

Channel NewsAsia reported that the highlight of the show was a “breathtaking” sand dance performance by MediaCorp stars Fann Wong and Christopher Lee.

So much for focusing attention on the Japan tragedy. Hey, life goes on, right? Otherwise, the earthquake has won. Breathtaking, indeed.

There is, however, one thing in the EDM that I find unforgivable that you should apologise for – but didn’t.

The EDM said that the earthquake unleashed a tsunami that “wrecked havoc” on coastal towns.

As über netizen Mr Brown pointed out, the correct word is “wreaked”, not “wrecked”.

Epic language fail, MediaCorp!

Are your EDMs written by Ris Low? Or Phua Chu Kang?

Even your targeted clients and agencies would not be impressed.

Mr Koh said that the staff member concerned had been “counselled to be more circumspect”.

Maybe that staff member should just be sent for English classes.

Best regards,
S M Ong

- Unpublished

My top 5 favourite MediaCorp CEOs (Who’s the handsomest of them all)

A few days ago, my former employer, MediaCorp, announced the surprise resignation of its chief executive officer, Lucas Chow.

So what better time to count down my top five fave MediaCorp CEOs?

5. Moses Lee

Not to be confused with Moses Lim, the older fat guy in Under One Roof.

Technically, Moses wasn’t a CEO, but the general manager. And it wasn’t MediaCorp at the time, but the Singapore Broadcasting Corporation (SBC).

This was back in the early 1990s when the national broadcaster was still a statutory board.

I’ve never actually met Moses, but he is my least favourite because he ended my dream of being Singapore’s Roger Ebert.



I used to be a movie reviewer on a Channel 5 programme called Live On 5 hosted by Gurmit Singh until I was told that the GM wanted me off the air because apparently, I was too contemptuous in my review of a movie he liked.

It was a long time ago, but I think the movie was Robin Hood: Men In Tights



4. Franklin Wong

He was the CEO of MediaCorp Studios in the early 2000s.

The only time I met him was after I had resigned to join SPH MediaWorks and he made a half-hearted attempt to persuade me to stay, but I could barely understand him because of his thick Hong Kong accent.

3. Ernest Wong

He was Lucas’s predecessor and resigned shortly after I rejoined MediaCorp. So I can “earnestly” say I didn’t work under his reign long enough to have an opinion about him.

"Earnestly", get it?

2. Lucas Chow

Hands down, the handsomest CEO that MediaCorp has ever had. His hair should be designated a national treasure.
The longest conversation I had with him was when he asked me for directions to the make-up room.

This was in 2007 just before the filming of the series finale special of Phua Chu Kang Pte Ltd where Lucas was set to appear to give away a prize. I was the show's executive producer.

He too had a Hong Kong accent, but was a little more intelligible.

1. Lee Cheok Yew

He was my CEO at both the Television Corporation of Singapore (TCS) and SPH MediaWorks.

In 2000, I was part of a group sent to Cannes, France, for an international TV trade show. On one of the days there, Cheok Yew, another executive and I rented a car to explore the region. We drove all the way to Monaco.

But the most unforgettable part of the road trip for me was eating some raw seafood and having the most spectacularly explosive diarrhoea of my life when I returned to my hotel room.

Because of this cherished memory, Cheok Yew will always be my favourite MediaCorp CEO.



- Unpublished

UPDATE: Shaun Seow has been announced as the new MediaCorp CEO. His greatest claim to fame is that he is married to former MediaCorp news presenter Zahara Lateef who was jailed for maid abuse in 2000. She now goes by her married name Zahara Seow.





APRIL 2017 UPDATE: Mediacorp CEO Shaun Seow steps down

Putting semen in someone's drink is more than just 'mischief'

It has been described as possibly "the first case of its kind".

I shall now recap this widely reported court case - interjected with the appropriate exclamations of disbelief, amazement and snark.

Consider this my early Christmas present to you, dear reader:

On Wednesday, a man was jailed for spiking a female colleague’s drinking water with his semen.

Ewww! That’s disgusting!

The colleague drank the semen-fortified water.

Choke! Did he think his colleague was Zoe “I swallow” Tay? Gag! Vomit!



He had obtained the semen by masturbating to a photograph of his female colleague.

Is this supposed to be some sort of compliment?!

He recorded himself collecting the semen in a small bottle on video with his mobile phone.

Why?! So that he can relive the moment over and over again?!

Then he waited for his colleague to leave her desk and mixed his semen into her water bottle.

Wow! Did he have to shake the bottle really hard to get the semen mixed into the water?!

The water bottle was tinted red, so the colleague did not realise the water was no longer clear.

Oh! So he didn’t have to shake the bottle that hard!

He also recorded himself doing this.

This guy is an idiot!

He struck up a conversation with his victim when she returned to her desk and then he secretly recorded her drinking the inseminated water.

Didn’t she taste anything?! What lousy water was she drinking?!

He did this to two female colleagues.

Twice?! He got away with this twice?! Champion!

He was working at the Singapore Police Force at the time.

He was with the police?! That makes us feel so much safer! Talk about the thin blue line! Or maybe it's blue balls!



He was eventually caught when he tried to shoot an upskirt video of another female colleague by squatting near her with his phone.

Aiyah! Cheap trick!

She grabbed the phone from him and found the upskirt shots.

Why didn’t he just run away with the phone?! So dumb!

The police were informed. They raided the idiot’s home and found 155 illicit videos dating back to 2005 on his computer, including those of him creating the semen mocktails for his other two colleagues.

He had been a very naughty boy!

He created separate folders on his computer for each of his colleagues with sub-folders for each incident. He labelled each video file with the date taken and the victim’s name.

Wah, for a pervert and an idiot, he’s so organised!

He was sentenced to 18 months in jail after pleading guilty to eight counts of taking underskirt videos and two counts of mischief.

'Mischief'?!

Holding up two fingers behind your colleague’s head while she has her picture taken - that’s mischief.

Putting semen in her drink - that’s a whole other ball game!

I thank you for your time.

- Unpublished

And the ‘baddest’ shopping centre in Singapore is...

Ladies and gentleman, welcome to the Mall Brawl!

And like any fight to the death, this is not about being the best shopping centre in Singapore – it’s about being the “baddest”.

Which is different from being the “worst”. For example, among the worst new shopping centres in Singapore are Orchard Central and Iluma.

Sure, the buildings are architecturally adventurous, but many of the shop spaces in OC and Iluma remain unoccupied. You can tell that a number of their tenants have already thrown in the towel. And those who are hanging on look very sad.

Where are the crowds?

After all, both shopping centres are in seemingly great central locations.

Orchard Central is, as the name suggests, in the centre of Orchard Road. Iluma is, uh, somewhere along Iluma Road? Actually, it’s in Bugis, just across the street from Bugis Junction.

Yet, despite being near heavily-used MRT stations, both OC and Iluma have quickly turned into virtual ghost malls.



So they may be the “worst” shopping centres in Singapore, but they’re certainly not the “baddest”.

The “baddest” shopping centres seem to keep drawing crowds because of their very “badness”.

They’re for shoppers who want that element of danger to go with the bargain hunting.

They’re like that skanky goth chick with the fake breasts and full-body tattoo you know you shouldn’t sleep with, but you do anyway. (Sandra Bullock’s soon-to-be ex-hubby can relate.)

So are you ready to rumble?

In one corner, we have Sim Lim Square, built in 1987, six storeys high and not that far from Iluma.



Recently raided for the zillionth time for selling illegal goods, it was the ironic site of a World Intellectual Property Day event held by the Intellectual Property Office of Singapore last Monday.

And in the other corner, we have Mustafa Centre, built in 1995, six storeys high and open 24/7.



Last month, its ground floor was forced to close for 40 hours by the Singapore Civil Defence Force for overcrowding, which presented a fire hazard.

And the winner of the Mall Brawl is... drum roll, please... People’s Park Complex!



Fire hazard? Amateurs.

People’s Park Complex actually caught fire two weeks ago.

No one was hurt, but the fire apparently started in some illegally built storerooms in the building.

But you know what makes People’s Park Complex the “baddest” of them all?

It was reported that the illegal storeroom that caught fire contained... drum roll, please... sex toys!

Let’s see Sim Lim Square top that.

- Unpublished

UPDATE: Iluma has been rebranded as Bugis+