Amos Yee's surprisingly wholesome first claim to fame: Winning a New Paper short film contest at 13 that led to role in Jack Neo movie

So Amos Yee is back in the news again.

Amos Yee had allegedly exchanged nude photos and "thousands" of messages with a 14-year-old Texas girl while he was in Chicago.

Posted by The Straits Times on Friday, October 16, 2020

It seems like we have been hearing about the damn kid forever.

Actually, not forever. You probably first heard about him in 2015 when his video rant against Lee Kuan Yew went viral soon after LKY's death.



But that wasn't the first time Amos made the news.

In 2011 when he was 13, he won Best Short Film and Best Actor for his film titled Jan in The New Paper FiRST Film Fest.

Amos Yee could not find anyone to act in his three-minute short film.

So he played all four roles in Jan, which tells of a boy trying to get three friends to help save a girl diagnosed with cancer.

The 13-year-old said: “I couldn’t find any actors who were willing to help me and I thought a one-man job would impress the judges.”

And impress them he did: He won the Best Actor prize as well as the Best Short Film award at the inaugural The New Paper FiRST Film Fest (FFF) on Thursday night.

The Best Short Film prize came with a trophy and $5,000 worth of prizes from Sony.

Yee not only acted in the film, but he also wrote, directed and edited the short, which was shot in his bedroom over a few nights.

Not bad for someone with no previous film-making experience.

Speaking to Life! after the awards ceremony at Mandopop club Shanghai Dolly, the student from Zhonghua Secondary said he has been bitten by the directing bug.

“Right now, I’m going to make more videos and put them on YouTube and hopefully, continue making films,” said Yee, who plans to emulate the cinematic styles of his favourite directors Tim Burton and Steven Spielberg.

The judges for the competition, which drew 160 entries, were directors Jack Neo and Wee Li Lin, head of film distribution and programming for Golden Village Pictures Maria Lorenzo, TNP film critic Jason Johnson and co-founder of Sinema Old School Nicholas Chee.

Jack Neo was one of the judges of the film fest. This led to Amos being in Neo's 2012 movie We Not Naughty.



At the time, the precocious teen appeared to have a promising career as a child actor.



Three years later, all that would change as Amos Yee became the Amos Yee we know today.

Can't go into the Room: Please don't say MDA banned Eric Khoo's new movie

I have never seen any Eric Khoo film — even though I’m in one.

Or at least I have been told that I’m in Mee Pok Man, which celebrated its 20th anniversary with a screening last Sunday at the Singapore International Film Festival (SGIFF).



I mean, I know I went to Goodwood Park Hotel in 1994 to act in a scene for the acclaimed director’s first feature film, for which I was paid with fish and chips.

But whether my scene actually ended up in the movie, I don’t know for certain since, like many people, I have never seen Mee Pok Man.

I mean, I have seen many mee pok men in real life, but not Mee Pok Man the movie.

Yes, it has been 20 years and I’ve yet to see my own movie debut.

Not that I have anything against Khoo’s oeuvre per se. I have never seen any of director Jack Neo’s movies too.

Unlike many people, I have managed to avoid all three of Neo’s phenomenally profitable Ah Boys To Men movies, and I expect to keep the streak alive when he releases the fourth and fifth, which he announced last week.

Is it because of a bias against local films that I avoid them, even those I was involved in like Mee Pok Man and Phua Chu Kang The Movie?

As PCK would say, “Abuden?”

But now it seems that even if I want to, I can’t see Khoo’s latest film, In The Room.



A commercial release of the movie in Singapore appears unlikely as the Media Development Authority (MDA) has deemed two scenes in the movie “to have exceeded our classification guidelines for sexual content”.

MDA said it “informally advised the distributor that the film could be classified R21 with edits for commercial release”.

But Khoo, a Cultural Medallion recipient, doesn’t want to make the cuts, saying: “If I were to censor it, it would go against my principles as a film-maker.”

So without the edits, MDA won’t give the movie a classification. Without the classification, the movie can’t be shown in cinemas here.

Just don’t say MDA is banning the movie. It’s Khoo who is banning his own movie by refusing to edit it according to MDA’s “advice”.



What’s In The Room about anyway?

The synopsis on the SGIFF website says:

“One of the most transitory lived spaces, the hotel room becomes the vehicle that transposes a sprawling tapestry of stories in Eric Khoo’s vision of the history of Singapore…

“Starting off from the advent of Singapore’s occupation in 1942, two men meet for the last time in the hotel room before the Japanese arrive.

“In the 70s, a band celebrates New Year’s Eve fiercely in an orgiastic drug-fuelled party.

“Decades pass as stories unfold within the same hotel room. Reflecting Singapore’s history as an entrepôt, characters of diverse backgrounds and nationalities find themselves in the hotel room, as a spirit watches on, drawn to the suffering and tragedies expressed within it.”

That’s it? One “orgiastic drug-fuelled party”?

Where’s all the “sexual content” that MDA has problems with?

Then I found a somewhat different write-up of the movie on the Toronto International Film Festival website:

“The sensitive and sensual new film from Singaporean director Eric Khoo draws together several narratives spanning several decades, all of them transpiring in the same room of the same Singaporean hotel — and all of them involving sex.”

There you go.

So there’s no mention of the word “sex” in the Singapore synopsis, but in the Toronto write-up, the movie is all about sex.

Three years ago, Khoo asked me to write a movie about sexual perverts as he said I was practically one myself, but I failed to deliver a script.

In The Room is a totally different movie written by Jonathan Lim and Andrew Hook, but it’s still about sex despite what the SGIFF website says (or doesn’t say).

So this could have been a movie written by me that’s not getting a commercial release in Singapore.

But In The Room was allowed by MDA to be screened uncut with an R21 classification at SGIFF on Tuesday night because “more leeway is given to film festivals as they play to a niche audience and have limited screenings”.

To promote the movie, the SGIFF website called it “the perfect bookend to a year of jubilee celebrations”.

Oh, sure. If a flamboyantly gay singer like Adam Lambert can perform in the New Year’s Eve show, why not a local movie inspired by 70s European softcore porn (according to Khoo) to finish the year?



Talk about ending SG50 with a bang.

I can’t wait for SG60 and the 30th anniversary screening of Mee Pok Man in 2025.

I must remember to miss it again.

- Published in The New Paper, 6 December 2015


EARLIER:

How I ended up in Mee Pok Man

The last time I met Eric Khoo

UPDATE: What one ex-frogman thinks of Jack Neo's NDU movie

A year ago, right after Jack Neo announced his third Ah Boys To Men movie, which would be about naval divers, I wrote a column about how at least one former naval diver was not happy about it.

Here is a quote from my friend, Patrick the ex-frogman, who is clearly no fan of Neo:

I cannot express enough Hokkien, Teochew and Cantonese swear words at my disappointment with this arrangement to collaborate on this misadventure…

We’ll end up looking like Ah Kwa Peng like the rest of his shitty movies.

This arsehole has no clue as to what directing a movie requires.

Pat even wrote a message to Neo on Facebook:

stay away from NDU!!! we'd rather remain the "the silent professionals".

all your other SAF themed movies have made a mockery of themselves & ended up with ah kwa peng product.

we've worked too damn hard to earn our status for you to stuff it up- you cannot imagine what we've endured physically mentally to earn the privilege to wear a piece of steel on our chest.

you really want it then you go thru the whole course first YOURSELF!!!

I'm an old school NDU diver from the days before NSF divers came thru & even did a small part in the original series with zoe etc- what a waste of our time-so STAY AWAY FROM NDU.

we're not here for you to make money & mockery of.

I don't think Neo ever replied to Pat.



Pat was also upset with me for mentioning his fondness for knives in my column, and Pat is not someone you want to be upset with you. (You know, because of the knives thing.)

Fast forward to 10 months later, I chatted with Pat on Facebook and he told me my column didn't go unnoticed:

Lol we stirred a tsunami bro - navy command via Ndu commander got in touch with me, but I got my point across so to speak hehehe

I asked him what he thought of the movie trailer, which had just came out then. His response:

Muffled sniggers

Pat finally saw the movie a few days ago, so I asked him what he thought of the final product.

His uncharacteristically semi-diplomatic reply:

at least jack portrayed our training realistically less opsec limitations

Storyline/ human interest side is cliche at best as expected from jack

Full of product endorsements like stickers on an F1 racing car lol

New navy cadence is catchy

Overall I'd give 7/10

Heaps better than his previous ah boys movies. Acting not too bad, they didn't make us look like clowns- thanks guys (actors)

Reckon I'd buy the DVD when it comes out too, brought back a few memories of home and the brotherhood

But Friggin 30 mins of adverts before the movie started for products endorsed within nearly numbed my arse lol

Looks like jack managed to pull a rabbit out the hat, but I can only imagine with a tremendous effort and support from the unit and the navy

Then he added:

wonder how it would have turned out if i didn't kick over the shit bucket and he had free reign with his artistic liberties?

i still don't trust the fucker - never will

I said his response is quite positive compared to his earlier reaction. He replied:

its got nothing to do with being pos/neg- i call a duck a duck - no punches pulled and no regrets or apologies for my challenge to jack.

he produced as i expected, nothing new or above board from him

the unit's mystique to the public made the movie, along with the admirable effort by the ah boys not to make NDU look like clowns.

this was "strongly emphasised" upon them when they were introduced to us prior to starting filming and frankie's training sessions

jack's humour was directed appropriately at our local colloqiuism.

the soundtrack was upbeat and surprisingly fresh to listen to for once, something to call our own, instead of rehash of USA cadences

his HK actor is still unpolished but has potential

I haven't seen the movie, so I don't know what Pat is talking about.



Pat may have cut Neo some slack, but it seems Pat still hasn't completely forgiven me for mentioning his knives.

so my knives remain sheathed for now LOL !! idiot for bringing that up you LMAO!!!

Uh... hooya?




UPDATE: I also asked two former naval divers who were upset by the announcement of the movie if they have seen it. They wrote back:

Hi SM Ong,

Yes I have been invited to the pre launch and seen it at Vivo City with the Navy.

I must say that Jack did delivered what he promised and that is to portray us in style. The training scenes is totally unaffected by the storyline. I strongly believe that what we Naval Divers wanted to see is that we were not pulled into the water by Jack's comedian nature ( pun intended ) and every training scene gave me a flashback of how I underwent my trainings and how I earned my badge.

Overall I am satisfied with the movie and will definitely buy the dvd when it is released.

Or can I get a complimentary copy from J Team ??

Desmond Liung



Hi Ong,

I have not seen the movie since the release of it & I do not have the intention to do so in future.

As mentioned in my email to you, NDU is an elite unit, the crew should go through the full course before they decide if they should produce the movie. With the slightest look at the movie, the title of it already made the mockery out of NDU.

Yes, few of the boys took a few weeks course to experience the basic, not the actual full 6 months course. Jack Neo is very clever to put up the trailer for the course they took up in Youtube. Anyone including ladies can do that too. We used to have a course very similar that only lasted few week, we nicknamed it 'Longkang Diver Course'. By the way, due to their actors status, all instructors had loosen the strictness during the course.

Ong, now you should know how we pride our unit.

Thank you & have a nice day.

Ho Y C

EARLIER: Dear Jack Neo, you don't wanna mess with this frogman

Why I'm afraid to bump into Glenn Ong

Sometimes I’m asked whether the famous people I write about have ever responded to my column.

Like, did my former MediaCorp colleague Gurmit Singh reply to my open letter asking him to introduce his open letter-writing daughter Gabrielle to my son after the Forever 21 incident last October?

Did SMRT CEO Desmond Kuek come after me for suggesting that his company should follow parody site SMRT Ltd (Feedback) and have a disclaimer on its Facebook page that says, “Believing in us is like believing that Kong Hee is Jesus”?

And did Ah Boys To Frogmen filmmaker Jack Neo address the objections by some former naval divers last March that he was directing a movie about the Naval Diving Unit despite being an “arsehole” who has “no clue as to what directing a movie requires”, to quote one incensed ex-frogman?



To answer all those questions — no, they have better things to do than bother with a column called “Act Blur”.

I mean, it’s no Heart Truths.

I doubt if they’re even aware I exist. Or perhaps in Gurmit’s case, he would rather pretend I didn’t.

But there have been a few rare occasions where the subjects of this column acknowledged that they were the subjects of this column.

I may not have heard from the SMRT CEO, but online pranksters SMRT Ltd (Feedback) tweeted, “@sm0ng is the first columnist from The New Paper that actually made sense about us,” after I wrote about them two weeks ago.

@sm0ng is the first columnist from The New Paper that actually made sense about us.
— SMRT Feedback (@smrtsg) January 5, 2015

I just hope they weren’t being sarcastic.

You can never really tell what the reaction would be.

That was why I avoided Mr Baey Yam Keng when I saw the Member of Parliament for Tampines GRC at the Swissotel Vertical Marathon in 2013. This was on the same Sunday I nominated him as the Singapore candidate for People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive.

Would he be flattered? Would he think I was being sarcastic? Or would be insulted that I was interested in him only for his body?

So I kept him at Baey, pun intended.

A photo posted by SM Ong (@sm_ong) on Nov 23, 2013 at 6:24pm PST

But you know who I’m afraid to bump into the most?

Glenn Ong.

He was in the news recently for quitting MediaCorp Radio after almost two decades as a DJ there.

I have written about him a few times over the years, usually to make fun of his marriages.

Remember TVMobile? It let you watch TV on the bus. Even though people hated it, complaining about the noise and that it showed too many Chinese programmes, TVMobile inexplicably lasted from 2001 until it was finally put out of its misery at the end of 2009.



In a column celebrating its overdue demise, I expressed amazement that TVMobile lasted longer than Ong’s second marriage.

I wrote:

“And if you take into account that the public trial for TVMobile started in 1999, it actually outlasted both of Ong's marriages to Kate Reyes (2000 to 2003) and Jamie Yeo (2004 to 2009).”

After the article came out, I was a little worried that he would call me out on his radio show and recommend that I should be put to sleep like a mad dog or something.

But I flattered myself. Why would he bother with a nobody like me?

Two years after his break-up with Yeo, Ong announced his engagement to Jean Danker, another MediaCorp radio DJ, like his two ex-wives were.

It was as if the man was addicted to marrying his colleagues. He was going to run out soon.

So I wrote in a column:

“Someone should do an intervention and save him from himself — and also Danker from becoming the next member of his Obedient Ex-Wives Club.”

I braced myself for a response from him, but once again, I flattered myself.



A year later, their wedding plans were put on hold.

Danker told The New Paper in May 2012: “The gowns were beautiful. Then I was like oh-oh, we were jumping the gun. I panicked a bit.”

Even Ong said: “Many times, I feel like I shouldn't have proposed.”

They’re still not married today, although apparently, they’re still engaged.

Did my column have anything to do with their cold feet?

I shouldn’t flatter myself. Even though I met Ong once a long time ago in the 90s, he probably doesn’t even remember I exist.

Then on Jan 7 last year, out of the blue, I received this tweet from “Glenn Egoman Ong”: “Wahaha! Smong Smong...”

It was him!

He does remember I exist. I was flattered and panicking at the same time.

But to my surprise, his tweet wasn’t related to anything I had written about him. It contained a link to an article I wrote about another celebrity called “Why was Ivan Heng watching TV on New Year’s Eve?”

Wahaha! Smong Smong... Why was Ivan Heng watching TV on New Year's Eve? | My Paper | 我报 http://t.co/sy7lfr1APP”
— Glenn Egoman Ong (@GlennEgoman) January 7, 2014

Hmmm, so it’s possible that Ong is aware of my existence and yet hasn’t read any of my columns about him?

Interesting.

I was worried there for a moment.

Last week, it was announced that Ong has a new job as director at a consulting firm called CIR VIS.

So now he has a new bunch of colleagues he can marry.

That’s a relief.

And no, I haven’t heard from Ivan Heng.

- Published in The New Paper, 18 January 2015




UPDATE: Another 'online spat': Glenn Ong versus... me?

Dear Jack Neo, you don't wanna mess with this frogman

I have a favourite T-shirt.

One reason it’s my favourite is that it was given to me many years ago by a friend who has since passed away.

Another reason is that I think the shirt shows off my body really well.

It has something to do with the cut and the way the fabric hugs my figure just right.

Despite its age, the shirt is still in pretty good condition because I don’t wear it very often even though it’s my favourite T-shirt.

One reason I don’t wear it very often is that the shirt has the words “naval diver” on the back.



In front of the navy blue tee is the logo of the Naval Diving Unit (NDU) of the Singapore navy.

The late friend who gave me the shirt was a naval diver.

I, on the other hand, have never been a naval diver. So for me to wear the shirt is a bit like false advertising.

It’s like imposters wearing Hard Rock Cafe T-shirts even though they're not Hard Rock Cafes. They’re human beings.

To make me feel less like a fraud whenever I wear my NDU shirt, I convince myself that no one could ever mistake me for a naval diver.

For one thing, naval divers are very tanned. I, on the other hand, have the pallor of a navel gazer.

Another justification for me wearing the shirt is that for a few weeks during my national service, I was actually part of NDU as an underwater medical orderly trainee in Sembawang Camp.

I even took what was then called the Underwater Diving Course, swimming around in the yucky water near Sembawang Shipyard.

And I have the diver's badge to prove it – although the one I have now was bought from Beach Road to replace the original which I accidentally chipped.

But while I did some diving (and skiving) in the navy, vocationally speaking, I’m no naval diver.

If only I can find a T-shirt with the words “naval skiver” on the back.

Still, some of my closest friends from NS were naval divers and my affinity for NDU remains.



So I had mixed feelings when it was reported last week that local film-maker, Cultural Medallion recipient and adulterer Jack Neo’s next movie will be a “spin-off” of his highly profitable Ah Boys To Men movies called Ah Boys To Frogmen, about naval divers, to be released next Chinese New Year.

But judging by Facebook comments I have read, I know of at least one former frogman whose feelings aren’t so mixed – he outright hates the idea.

He is my NS friend, Patrick, who was a full-time naval diver for seven years.

Here’s a sampling of his online rant:

“Now we’re well and truly being farqed over – again!

“They did it once in the 80s and we’re bending over again for this idiot to make money and attract more wannabes.”

He is referring to the Channel 8 drama called Navy Series which aired in 1990 and starred Zoe Tay.

As for the new movie, Neo reportedly said the navy is not financially backing the film, but will “provide support”.

Pat’s tirade continued:

“I cannot express enough Hokkien, Teochew and Cantonese swear words at my disappointment with this arrangement to collaborate on this misadventure…

“We’ll end up looking like Ah Kwa Peng like the rest of his shitty movies.

“This arsehole has no clue as to what directing a movie requires.

“We watch his shit only because it’s made in Singapore and he has always disappointed on every occasion.”

Clearly, my friend is no fan of Neo’s film oeuvre, but I still couldn’t understand why Pat was so dead set against the movie.

He explained:

“Remember back in our day how little we had to work with but still accomplished the mission?

“Our mindset cannot be expressed by some toyboy actors over a weekend of pretend training.”

Pat was apparently so incensed that he even messaged Neo directly on Facebook:

“Stay away from NDU!

“We’d rather remain ‘the silent professionals’...

“We’ve worked too damn hard to earn our status for you to stuff it up.

“You cannot imagine what we’ve endured physically and mentally to earn the privilege to wear a piece of steel on our chest.

“You really want it, then you go through the whole course first YOURSELF!”

Yeah, 54-year-old Neo in a wetsuit. I don’t think anyone wants to see that.

The message continued:

“I’m an old-school NDU diver from the days before NSF divers came through and even did a small part in the original series with Zoe.

“What a waste of our time.

“So STAY AWAY FROM NDU. We’re not here for you to make money and mockery of.”

Neo hasn’t responded to Pat’s message and Pat doesn’t expect him to.

But I should warn Neo that Pat is into martial arts and has a scary fascination with big knives.

I must remember never to let Pat catch me wearing the shirt.

- Published in The New Paper, 30 March 2014

Hi Mr SM Ong,

I am a Full Fledged Naval Diver myself and I like to express my views.

I do not wish to see this movie happen at all, reason being is that we naval divers are the elites. We do not wish our tactics and specialties be exposed to the public and our beloved unit to be revealed.

Every Singaporean knows Jack Neo and his movies and his long ago alter ego Liang Por Por. Naval divers do not want their image to be tarnished with jokes and the life of Singaporean men.

This is the reason why other countries do not respect us and is mocking at Singapore defence forces when your own people do such things.

You dun see US make fun at the Seals and British dun make a joke of the SAS. In fact, they glorified them and recognised their work and effort through very well directed movies and real life stories.

Mr SM Ong, I am not requesting you to stop the production of this movie but just hope the message to get through to stop making army movies and make a mockery of SAF Defense Forces.

PS: My Naval Instructor is also Patrick, not sure if you are talking about the same one...

Thanks & Regards
Desmond



Dear Ong,

I'm sure by now you've recieved other emails from former Frogmen to voice their objections.

Anyone who have seen "Ah Boy to Men" & "Ah Boy to Men II" will know the kind of damage done to our SAF. Just go to www.imdb.com (rating is only 3/ 10) & you will know.

I was surprised the Ministry's approval, if there's any, of Jack Neo's planning of making "Ah Boys to Frogmen".

If our former CO, Col Lau Bok Thiam (he is a Ranger trained CO), is still in command, I'm sure he will be the very first to strongly object Neo's production.

NDU is the pride of RSN. When I joined the unit in the early 90's, our batch were taught to have pride & we should be proud of being hand picked by the unit to have the opportunity to be a part of NDU.

This is simply because enlistments were only once a year with less than 200 recruits, with a passing rate of only 30%.

Starting from day one of enlistment, we were trained to be the toughest in the Navy. We were trained to risk our lives first in beach clearance during war time before the main fleet to land on enemies beaches.

Ask anyone who had gone through the Professional Diving Course, the only thing they look forward throughout the 6 months course will only be the last week of the course.

It will be a week of very physical & mental training together with sleepless nights ranging from 3 to 5 days & nights, which we call Hell Week.

Why is this so because we will only earn our badge after going through Hell Week. The only worthy opponents in all Frogmen's mind are the Commandos.

To wrap up my short letter, NDU is no joke to anyone to fool around. Please advise Jack Neo & his crew to go through the full 6 months of hell, like what we've gone through before he decides whether to make a mokery out of NDU.

Thank you.
Ho Y C (7th batch)

UPDATE: NDU veteran Bob Chia Ngee Huat has posted this in the Naval Diving Unit Facebook group:

I appreciate very much that a few Old boys of NDU are dead set against the making of another movie on Naval Divers. They loved this image so much and are jealously protecting it.

But I thought that the previous production was a success drawing a viewership of 1.6 million every night? It was free publicity for us and until now, isn't a lot of you kept saying that that show was one of your most memorable one.

I was one of them who was appointed by Col (Retd) Lau Bock Thiam to assist in whatever is required by the then SBC crew.

I remembered that during the opening scene, a bomb was discovered by a construction excavator... it was supposed to be a Japanese Bomb but left on our display was a Mk 82 bomb. So conveniently and without knowledge, the camera crew begin taking it away as a prop. I soon realised that the Mk 82, although looks nice but inappropriate. It's because the Mk 82 was made during the Vietnam war.

Even then after the show was telecast, many of my senior Warrant Officers from the Army took me to task asking me if there was a female doctor in the Navy at that time...(now we have one) and other minor pointers like a certain bus that does not ply the route.

This high expectation will always be there. Lets give ourselves a second chance.

Jack could called the movie "Ah Boys to Men 3" we still will want to scold him now for not naming the show "Ah Boys to frogmen"

Lets give the younger generation a chance to quantum leap ....as we cannot be left stagnant.

EARLIER: Remembering my first drowned body job

UPDATE: The movie trailer



UPDATE UPDATE: What Patrick thinks of the movie after it was released

If Jack Neo can do a story about national service, so can I

It’s not propaganda.

Or so claimed film-maker Jack Neo about his new army movie Ah Boys To Men Part 1.



This is despite the Ministry of Defence (Mindef) having approached Neo to make the movie to commemorate the 45th anniversary of national service (NS).

This is despite Mindef having provided equipment and locations for the movie, including the Basic Military Training Centre on Pulau Tekong.

This is despite Mindef holding a contest on its website to give away movie posters and tickets for Ah Boys To Men. Submit your entry before 10pm on Thursday!

As you and I know, everything in “lame-stream” media is government propaganda.

Like that news report about the $7,000 cabby. Like Phua Chu Kang going for English classes. Like this column.

That’s right. Unlike Neo, I voluntarily admit that what I write here every week is nation-building propaganda. Yes, even all those times I made fun of Glenn Ong marrying his colleagues.

Furthermore, for today’s column, I’m going to share my own NS story to commemorate the 45th anniversary of NS, even though Mindef hasn’t approached me at all.

As a medic in the navy during my full-time NS many years ago, I was once given the opportunity to go to Thailand for an exercise.

Since I was attached to the ship’s crew only for the trip, I didn’t know any of them and felt like an outsider, which I was.

So to fit in, while on shore leave, I went out with a few of the guys to a bar and drank beer - even though I was (and still am) allergic to alcohol.

Before long, I was itchy all over. My allergy had kicked in. I desperately needed relief.

I searched all over town and finally found what I was looking for - Prickly Heat Powder.

I rushed back to my cheap hotel room, took off my clothes, lay on the bed and poured powder all over myself. Shiok, man!

And when I say “all over”, I mean “all over” - especially around the groin area.

After a while, the rash subsided and I felt a little better. Thank you, Prickly Heat Powder.

Then I heard a knock on my door. I got dressed and opened the door, but nobody was there. Strange.

That was when I discovered I had left my room key in the door outside. I must have forgotten about it in my hurry to relieve my itch.

Fast forward to a couple of days later. I was back on board the ship on the way home to Singapore.

I noticed that members of crew were now friendlier to me. Did drinking with them actually pay off?

But they weren’t just friendlier – they literally laughed out loud every time they saw me. I couldn’t figure out why.

The two who laughed the loudest were the ship’s cooks who barely spoke to me before.

By now, they couldn’t contain themselves any longer and spilled the beans.

Apparently, they were staying in the same hotel that I was. They were walking past my room when they saw my key in the door.

They wondered who was so stupid as to leave his key outside.

So they peeked through the window, as the curtains weren’t fully closed properly, and saw me rolling around in bed naked, caressing myself vigorously.

They were the ones who knocked on my door and ran off.

When they returned to the ship, they told everybody what they saw.

I became known as the medic who had sex with himself in a hotel room in Thailand.

I tried to explain about my allergy, but no one believed me. You believe me, don’t you?

The bright side was that I was now the most popular guy on the ship. The cooks even gave me extra chicken wings at dinner time. So what if people thought I was an onanist?



The late great Whitney Houston did sing that learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all. So did George Benson.



And that, my fellow Singaporeans, is my contribution to the 45th anniversary of NS.

Maybe Jack Neo could do a movie about it for the 50th anniversary, unless he’s afraid of being accused of making another propaganda film.

I would offer to write the script, but I don’t want to appear too self-serving. The last thing I want is to come across as a jerk.

After all, it’s national service, not self-service.

Spank you very much.

- Published in The New Paper, 11 November 2012

What's with all these cross-dressing comedians in Singapore?

I dressed like a girl and I liked it. I might not have looked as hot as Katy Perry, but I did it just to try it.



My excuse is that I was young, I was in college in the US and I was going to a Halloween party.

I wore lots of eye make-up, some blusher, my girlfriend’s lipstick, her hairband, her black top and her black Fido Dido leggings – plus my own army boots.

The look I was aiming for was scary goth chick, albeit a scarily big-boned, flat-chested goth chick in rather unscary Fido Dido leggings.

Thinking back now, I realised I might have looked like Marilyn Manson – except for those damn Fido Dido leggings which were just dorky.

At least it turned out better than the time I shaved my eyebrows. I mean I could simply change my clothes and wash off the make-up, but it took months for me to grow back those damn eyebrows.

As much as I enjoyed playing dress-up that one time, I’m not making a career comeback out of it. Yes, I’m looking at you, Jack Neo.



What does it say about Singaporeans that some of our most popular comedians are men in drag?

There’s Neo as Liang Po Po and Liang Ximei, Dennis Chew as Aunty Lucy, Kumar as Kumar and Gurmit Singh as Phua Chu Kang.

Wait a minute, you say, Phua Chu Kang isn’t drag. I say he’s wearing a wig, make-up and a costume, he might as well be drag.

When I was working at MediaCorp in the 90s, I was told that it was forbidden to have men dressed as women on local programmes – with the special exception of Neo.

For a while, Kumar was thought to be banned from TV after The Ra Ra Show until it was clarified that he just wasn’t allowed to appear as a cross-dresser. Unfortunately, Kumar out of drag is not as funny as Kumar in drag.



But things change. Today, Chew’s Aunty Lucy is carrying on from where Neo’s Liang Ximei left off.



Both Kumar and Gurmit have played women on Channel 5 in recent years. You would think that cross-dressing is a can’t-miss gag, but the PCK episode where Gurmit did it was among the lowest rated of the series.

So is it a good idea for Neo to play another female character for his next movie, Homecoming, eight years after he last played Liang Ximei on TV?

Comedically, it’s going backwards, but as a marketing ploy, it’s brilliant. The movie won’t be out until Chinese New Year and we’re already talking about it.

The easy joke is that instead of other women, the Cultural Medallion-winning film-maker, scandalised by an extra-marital affair eight months ago, can now have an affair with himself.

But will the new movie be a hit?

Of course, it will – it’s a Jack Neo movie.

But then I said the same thing about the PCK movie. And I thought Fido Dido leggings were a good idea.

- Published in The New Paper, 21 November 2010

Being Human & Kidnapper at the box office: Singapore films flop (again)

With the Phua Chu Kang movie (for which I'm the credited scriptwriter) coming out in a few months, I'm following closely the box office returns of two recent local films, Being Human and Kidnapper.



Being Human, the latest movie directed by Jack Neo, released in Singapore a day before the scandal of his affair broke, has topped out at just over $700,000 at the local box office.

Compare this to Money No Enough 2's $3,389,709 and Ah Long Pte Ltd's $2,115,640, both movies also directed by Neo.

Was the scandal a factor in the weaker box office performance of Being Human? Or is it because the movie didn't have a strong enough hook like Neo's previous success Where Got Ghost?, which made $1,851,721?



Being Human also opened in Malaysia three weeks ago and looks likely to duplicate its Singapore box office performance there.



Kidnapper, starring Christopher Lee and directed by Kelvin Tong, has managed only around $350,000, about half of Being Human's Singapore BO.



It's also about half of what Tong's previous film, Rule Number One, earned in 2008. My guess is both of Tong's movies didn't make back their production cost.



Even Christopher Lee's previous movie, The Wedding Game with wife Fann Wong, did better, earning over $1 million last year.



(And if you're wondering, Glen Goei's The Blue Mansion made about $150,000 last year. He should feel blue.)



Being Human and Kidnapper clearly had a hard time competing with Hollywood blockbusters like Alice In Wonderland, How To Train Your Dragon and Clash Of The Titans which were released in the same period. These three hits took in at least $3 million each in Singapore.

Not very encouraging for local films.

My hope for the PCK movie is that it makes at least $1 million in Singapore and another million in Malaysia. If it doesn't, I'd consider it a failure.

Your film flopped? Here's more taxpayers' money

Maybe it's because I just filed my income tax.

But when I read last week that the Singapore Film Commission (SFC) is giving four local film projects up to a grant of $500,000 each - twice what it gave previously - my first reaction was: "Wait a minute. Isn't that taxpayers' money?"

Since the SFC is part of the Media Development Authority, which is part of the Ministry of Information, Communications and the Arts, I think it's safe to say that yes, that's taxpayers' money.

So possibly up to $2 million of taxpayers' money is going into making movies that I believe most taxpayers' aren't likely to watch even for free on Okto, much less pay to see in the cinema.

People complain about paying the TV & radio licence fee. So how come no one is complaining about this? Many local films suck as bad as local TV shows.

But hold on, the SFC says it isn't just "giving" the money away. That would be stupid.

No, the commission is actually "co-investing" in them and expects a cut from the millions of dollars the films would hopefully make. We'll see.

In 2008, the SFC had "co-invested" $250,000 each in nine films. That's a total of $2.25 million of taxpayers' money.

Of the nine, only one, Blood Ties, has been released. The film reportedly cost $850,000 to produce and has earned only $282,000 so far.



That Blood Ties lost money is not surprising. As a rule of thumb, Jack Neo's movies are the only local films that make money.

And since Singapore's most famous adulterer didn't make any of the nine SFC-funded films, I doubt the commission will see that $2.25 million again

So what does the SFC do? It has decided to double the individual grant to half a million dollars.

When will it end? Will it be a whole million next year? What about the year after that?

The expression "Throwing good (taxpayers') money after bad" comes to mind.

Set up in 1998 to "nurture" the Singapore film industry, the SFC has funded dozens of short films and features. After 12 years and tens of millions spent, its biggest hit was Royston Tan's 881 in 2007. A few other things were selected for international film fests and won awards here and there.

Any legit film company with a track record like this would've gone out of business a long time ago - or asked its managing director to leave. I'm looking at you, Raintree Pictures.

Would the money be better spent on, say, building safety barriers at all MRT stations sooner so that another life doesn't have to be lost on the train tracks?

Of course, nobody wants every local film to be a Jack Neo movie, but a viable local film industry has to be at least self-sustaining.

Unfortunately, for all its good intentions, the SFC may have encouraged a mindset where local film-makers seem to feel that the Government owes them a living.

Last year, when the SFC removed a travel grant for film-makers, oh how they bitched. One said: “It is a crisis for us film-makers and it is helping to bring us independent film-makers together.”

Perhaps it's time these independent film-makers live up their name and be truly independent.

It's funny how some would decry our nanny state, yet seem content to suckle at the nanny's teats indefinitely. Let the final cut be the apron strings.

If only I could claim tax relief on my cameraman.

- Published in The New Paper, 28 March 2010

SFC's response:

We refer to your article (dated 28 March 2010, entitled 'Your film flopped? Here's more taxpayers' money') referencing the funding of local movies and the question of how much funding is too much.

It focuses on a perennial challenge: balancing the call on one end of the spectrum by up and coming filmmakers for greater Government support, and the thought at the other end that these independent filmmakers should be true to their name.

The Media Development Authority (MDA) is continually in discussion with the industry to achieve the best balance between support and self-sustainability.

While we support artistic films and recognise its contributions to Singapore's culture and identity, we also believe that the industry is ready to develop a more commercially viable sector within the filmmaking space.

This is why the MDA takes a two-pronged approach to supporting local filmmakers; investing in capability development and artistic endeavour, with a greater emphasis on supporting commercially viable projects for a sustainable sector.

When the Singapore Film Commission first became part of MDA in 2003, much of SFC's and MDA's financial participation in content projects was in the form of grants. This was necessary to get the industry going.

In recent years, while we still have grants in place, such as the Short Film Grant and the Script Development Grant, we have also moved into co-investments, where Government's share of the rights and returns are ploughed back into further seeding and catalyzing of the industry.

As a result of these efforts, local films today are gaining traction in the international festival circuit with participation rates doubling in the last five years from 30 to over 70 in 2008.

Last year also marked the fifth consecutive year a Singapore film was screened at the Cannes Film Festival. In addition, our average annual feature film output for 2008 almost quadrupled compared to what it was before SFC was founded.

There is also growing evidence of local players creating or co-producing projects for international sales. For instance, world-renowned sales agent Fortissimo Films (who made Wong Kar-wai famous) signed Singaporean Boo Junfeng's debut feature, SANDCASTLE, for international distribution even before the cameras started rolling. SANDCASTLE, incidentally, was one of the films to receive funding through the New Feature Film Fund (NFFF).



The US$10 million HOST 2 film, scheduled for a 2011 release, is jointly-produced by Korea's Chungeorahm Films and homegrown Boku Films. BAIT, Singapore's first stereoscopic 3D film which has already been pre-sold to over 24 territories, will be co-produced by Australia's Arclight Films and Pictures In Paradise, as well as Singapore’s Blackmagic Design.

While the progress made by the local film industry is encouraging, not every homegrown film will find commercial success. This mirrors the very nature of the film industry worldwide.

By increasing our funding quantum for the New Feature Film Fund, we are stimulating higher overall production values and wider international marketability. This move supports our goal of creating a viable, self-sustaining film industry supported by robust production, distribution and financing frameworks. Such an industry would drive up employment and projects created for the global audience, but made by or with Singaporean talents.

We thank Mr Ong for his comments, and continue to welcome discourse and input to our ongoing calibration and refinement of our cluster development strategies.

Mr Kenneth Tan,
Director, Singapore Film Commission

Jack Neo should’ve listened to my mother’s advice

My mother and I don’t talk about sex much.

About 90 per cent of what I know about the subject I learnt when I was in the navy during my National Service.

The remaining 10 per cent I learned while watching Kumar’s stand-up earlier this month.

So I was surprised when a couple of years ago, out of the blue, my mother warned me not to be tempted into affairs with the pretty actresses at MediaCorp, where I was working at the time. This was long before Jack Neo’s affair with an actress in his movie came to light.

My mother probably thought that since I was then a TV producer, I must be friends with many pretty actresses. I didn’t know how to tell her that even ugly actresses didn’t want to be friends with me.

Instead, I told her that I was the secret biological father of Zoe Tay’s two children.

My mother then wondered aloud why she even bothered talking to me about anything. I wondered the same thing.

And now because of Jack, for the last two weeks, I’ve been asked several times by people other than my mother whether I had taken advantage of the legendary “casting couch” to have affairs with actresses in the TV shows I produced.

The sad truth is that because the shows I produced were for Channel 5, I don’t think any woman would debase themselves by having sex with me in a Toyota just to be on Channel 5.

Have you seen the channel’s ratings lately? Not worth it, babe.

Now, if I were working on shows for Channel 8 – like Jack – then maybe my mother might have something to worry about.

Anyway, MediaCorp programmes are generally so poorly regarded, I believe someone would be more likely to sleep with me just to get out of one. It would be better for her reputation.

One frequent criticism about local shows is that local people can’t act.

What I find strange then is that many have accused Jack of manufacturing the sex scandal to publicise his movie Being Human and that he, his wife Irene, Wendy Chong and Foyce Le Xuan were all faking it.

So now they can act?



I don’t think even a Cultural Medallion recipient like Jack is talented enough to pull off such a ruse.

I should’ve introduced my mother to Jack so that she could’ve given him the advice that she gave me.

But then I would be afraid he might hit on her.

On the other hand, if he did, I could just make a movie about it.

I'd call it Mommy No Enough.

- Published in The New Paper, 21 March 2010

What if Jack Neo made Phua Chu Kang movie?

How can I not talk about Jack Neo?



I had a couple of encounters with Singapore’s most famous adulterer in the ’90s when I was working at then Television Corporation of Singapore. Fortunately, he didn’t hit on me, although he might have wanted to hit me.

That was when I was working with him on a skit for a charity show and he was annoyed that I kept mispronouncing “Liang Xi Mei” as “Liang Si Mei”.

Sorry, my China not so powderful.

Ironically, even though I haven’t spoken to him since then, I never felt his presence more than when I was working on the Phua Chu Kang movie recently. The movie is set to be released later this year.

When I was first approached to do the script last August, my brief was to write in at least one “touching” moment and a social message – like in Jack’s movies. He is, after all, the country's most successful filmmaker.

About half the dialogue in the movie should be a mix of Singlish, Mandarin and/or other Chinese dialects.

I figured Hokkien was best since the dialect was practically the raison d’être of Jack’s movies – and like him or hate him, his movies made money.

When Mark Lee was unavailable to play the villain in the PCK movie because he was busy with his own movie, Henry Thia was cast to replace him. Both are, of course, members of Jack’s J Team.

So is the director of the PCK movie, Boris Boo, a long-time Jack Neo acolyte who has written scripts for him for years, including the movies I Do I Do and Love Matters. Boris’ only previous directorial credit was for a segment in Jack’s Where Got Ghost?



During my script meeting with Boris, he would cite what Jack wouldn’t allow in his movies. (I didn’t ask Boris if Jack ever hit on him.)

This is about as close as you can get to a Jack Neo movie without actually having Jack involved. And what’s wrong with that? His movies made money.

Even in casual conversations during the filming of the PCK movie in KL, Jack’s name came up often.

Gurmit Singh (who plays PCK) would complain about the last-minute script changes when he was acting for Jack in Just Follow Law, despite having received a Golden Horse best actor nomination for that movie.



But I didn't hear any mention of Jack being a “buaya”. Before the scandal broke a week ago, he seemed almost asexual.

All that mattered was his movies made money, which was enough to cover a multitude of sins.

Until now.

- Published in The New Paper, 14 March 2010

UPDATE: I’m scared to watch PCK movie because it may kill me