Sunday 21 March 2010

Jack Neo should’ve listened to my mother’s advice

My mother and I don’t talk about sex much.

About 90 per cent of what I know about the subject I learnt when I was in the navy during my National Service.

The remaining 10 per cent I learned while watching Kumar’s stand-up earlier this month.

So I was surprised when a couple of years ago, out of the blue, my mother warned me not to be tempted into affairs with the pretty actresses at MediaCorp, where I was working at the time. This was long before Jack Neo’s affair with an actress in his movie came to light.

My mother probably thought that since I was then a TV producer, I must be friends with many pretty actresses. I didn’t know how to tell her that even ugly actresses didn’t want to be friends with me.

Instead, I told her that I was the secret biological father of Zoe Tay’s two children.

My mother then wondered aloud why she even bothered talking to me about anything. I wondered the same thing.

And now because of Jack, for the last two weeks, I’ve been asked several times by people other than my mother whether I had taken advantage of the legendary “casting couch” to have affairs with actresses in the TV shows I produced.

The sad truth is that because the shows I produced were for Channel 5, I don’t think any woman would debase themselves by having sex with me in a Toyota just to be on Channel 5.

Have you seen the channel’s ratings lately? Not worth it, babe.

Now, if I were working on shows for Channel 8 – like Jack – then maybe my mother might have something to worry about.

Anyway, MediaCorp programmes are generally so poorly regarded, I believe someone would be more likely to sleep with me just to get out of one. It would be better for her reputation.

One frequent criticism about local shows is that local people can’t act.

What I find strange then is that many have accused Jack of manufacturing the sex scandal to publicise his movie Being Human and that he, his wife Irene, Wendy Chong and Foyce Le Xuan were all faking it.

So now they can act?

I don’t think even a Cultural Medallion recipient like Jack is talented enough to pull off such a ruse.

I should’ve introduced my mother to Jack so that she could’ve given him the advice that she gave me.

But then I would be afraid he might hit on her.

On the other hand, if he did, I could just make a movie about it.

I'd call it Mommy No Enough.

- Published in The New Paper, 21 March 2010