If you can apply for self-exclusion from casinos, why not elsewhere?

Dear Resort World Sentosa (RWS),

Belated congratulations on being Singapore’s first integrated resort.

When the idea of opening a casino in Singapore was first proposed a few years ago, there was concern (as there still is) about problem gambling.

To address this concern, one safeguard that has been put in place is voluntary self-exclusion.

I find this to be a fascinating, almost paradoxical, concept.

So someone who likes to do something so much that he or she can’t stop doing it is expected to have the foresight and fortitude to allow someone else to legally bar him or her from doing that thing that he or she likes to do? How likely is that?

Yet, amazingly, by the end of last year, 3,519 people did have the foresight and fortitude to exclude themselves from the casinos here.

If self-exclusion works, then why isn’t it applied to other areas of human stupidity?

Why aren’t alcoholics excluding themselves from bars, fat people from buffets and horny Facebook users from Fiona Xie videos?



Which brings me to the purpose of my mail.

I wish to exclude myself from RWS – but not from the casino, which is why I cannot apply for the exclusion online at the National Council of Problem Gambling website and why I’m writing to you directly.

I’m applying for self-exclusion from the Battlestar Galactica ride at your Universal Studios theme park.



Being a fan of the TV show that the ride is named after - both the original series and the remake (Cylons rock!) - I had been looking forward to the re-opening of the ride since its closure 11 months earlier.



But the reason I’m excluding myself is not because I’m afraid I would be addicted to the high-speed thrills the ride has to offer.



No, I want to exclude myself from the Battlestar Galactica ride because I don’t want to risk being public humiliated when I can’t get on the ride due to my fatness.

This was what happened to Mr Christian Abellaneda, according to a New Paper report last week.

He was able to enjoy the ride in the morning. Then later the same day, he wanted to go again, but he couldn’t be secured into the seat.

He said he felt particularly insulted after a staff member told him he might have “expanded” after lunch.

I can empathise. My waist grows by one pants size after every meal and I don’t need anyone pointing that out. I have enough body image issues as it is.

So if I go anywhere near the Battlestar Galactica ride, I would like someone from RWS to direct me to the casino instead – using brute force if necessary.

I hope my application for self-exclusion is accepted. Thank you.

Yours sincerely,
S M Ong

PS: I have already applied for self-exclusion from every buffet in town and anything involving Fiona Xie.



- Published in The New Paper 13 March 2011

Why Marina Bay Sands casino should hire me

Dear Marina Bay Sands,

I’m applying for the position of casino dealer at your esteemed integrated resort as I believe I would make an ideal MBS employee.

Here’s why:

Last week, it was reported that MBS threatened to penalise casino dealers who don’t show up for work during the upcoming Chinese New Year period – even if they have a valid medical certificate.

You have since rescinded this policy.

You were concerned that workers would give themselves a holiday during the holiday as holidays are when the casinos are the busiest.

Apparently, 250 of about 1,500 MBS casino dealers took medical leave on New Year’s Eve.

Understandably, you don’t want that to happen again on Chinese New Year’s Eve.



As an employee, I would not give MBS such headaches.

For one thing, I hate Chinese New Year.

During my full-time national service, I volunteered to be on duty during the first and second day of CNY.

This greatly confused the guys in my unit because CNY duty was what they would normally fight tooth and nail to get out of. The Encik even used CNY duty as a stick to make them do his bidding.

Then I came along and turned the whole thing upside down.

Encik: “If you book in late again, I’ll put you on Chinese New Year duty!”

Yours truly: “Woohoo!”

My fellow servicemen didn’t understand it, but they weren’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth – me being the horse.

To me, CNY duty was just a great – even patriotic – excuse to get out of visiting my relatives, which I still dread doing every year.

My willingness (verging on desperation) to work during CNY is not the only reason you should hire me.

Since I started my current job three years ago, I’ve yet to take a single day of medical leave.

That is not to say I’ve never fallen sick, but I’ve always recovered quickly enough to have never missed a day of work.

And not only do I never take medical leave, I look down on colleagues who do. There’s this guy I’m working with who seems to get sick every time Liverpool loses a match, which is a rather common occurrence nowadays.

I do not agree with the attitude that “Hey, it’s not like I fell sick on purpose”.

I believe it’s every worker’s responsibility to stay healthy to avoid taking medical leave, which is not only a burden to his employer, but also to his or her co-workers.

I want to work for a company that values and rewards a perfect attendance record rather than such trifles as aptitude and a decent haircut.

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you to arrange an interview.

By the way, Chinese New Year's Eve is only three days away. No pressure.

And if you have enough casino dealers, I understand you may have an opening for chief executive officer. I am nothing if not flexible. I don't mind being your CEO if you need someone urgently.

Regards,
S M Ong

PS: If I don't hear from you soon, I'm applying for a position at Singapore Airlines. I hear the Singapore Girl is making a comeback. I think I'll look fantastic in a kebaya.




- Published in The New Paper, 30 January 2011

UPDATE: MBS hires new CEO