Sunday, 9 January 2011

Why I will never be Singapore's Edison Chen

Last week, I rescinded my new year’s resolution to have a body like MediaCorp “hunkle” actor Zheng Geping as I thought it would be unchivalrous to look better than my wife.

So I’m stuck with this non-hunkle body of mine, which I’ve come to be ashamed of because of Zheng.

I mean, how can I go to foam parties now?

I’ll be paranoid that someone might take a picture of me half-naked at a foam party sticking my hand down a woman’s shorts and post it on the Stomp website.

I wouldn’t mind if people accused me of indecent behaviour, but I would be extremely hurt if they called me a “flabby old chap”.

Because that was what someone in an online forum called the half-naked man in a recent Stomp picture sticking his hand down a woman’s shorts at a foam party.

No hand down a woman’s shorts is worth being called a “flabby old chap”. Trust me.

My body image issues also dashed any ambitions I had of becoming Singapore’s Edison Chen like Chen Guilin, also known as Gary Ng.

Last week, Chen pleaded guilty to possession of 507 obscene films, of which more than 480 were clips of him having sex with various women.

Say what you will about the man, but he is definitely not ashamed of his body.

I imagine there are ways I can videotape myself having sex with women without showing my body. For instance, I can have sex with my clothes on, but chafing is a problem.

Also, having directed TV shows at MediaCorp before, I’m practised in a film technique called the point-of-view shot, in which the camera only sees what I see. Using this technique, I can avoid looking at my body altogether.

But if I can’t be seen in the video, it sort of defeats the purpose of me making the video – it could’ve been made by anyone. Why bother then?

Another minor issue is that making videos of myself having sex can get me arrested like Chen.

But obscene film-making aside, my body image issues are clearly preventing me from leading a full, happy life.

Perhaps I should follow the example of the fat women who posed naked for the Big & Beautiful Nude Calendar. (If you go to, you have the option of viewing some of the pictures in 3D. Yikes.)

How come they haven’t been arrested?

Every one of them weighs more than I do.

Hey, if they’re not ashamed of their bodies, why should I be of mine?

Thank you, naked fat women, for helping me learn to accept myself for what I am.

So the next time there’s a foam party, I’ll be there – with my hand poised and ready to go down your shorts when required. I just hope I don’t bump into Zheng Geping.

And if anyone is planning a male version of the Big & Beautiful Nude Calendar for 2012, I’m available – for a reasonable fee.

- Published in The New Paper, 9 January 2011


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