Why is the singer not wearing a mask on the bus in the new NDP 2021 music video?

Dear Linying,

Congratulations on the positive response to your National Day Parade (NDP) 2021 theme song, The Road Ahead, you composed with producer Evan Low.

I am not going to report you for not wearing a mask on the bus in the music video as you were lip-syncing to the song even though all the other passengers were wearing a mask.



I understand that we would not be able to see you lip-syncing to the song if we could not see your lips if you were wearing a mask.

However, I am a little perturbed that you were quoted in The Straits Times report last week as saying: “I’m quite grateful because I was so prepared for the hate, but it turned out well.”



Why were you “prepared for the hate”?

What hate?

Don’t you know that our NDP songs are so universally beloved around the globe that at least one person in India has plagiarised Count On Me Singapore and claimed to have written it?



When that happened a few months ago, all Singaporeans stood up, stood up for the song as ours, proof that we have nothing but love for the NDP songs.

So I am not sure why you were expecting hate for yours.

Is it because every new NDP song since Dick Lee’s composition Home in the past 20 years or so has not been as well received such that it has practically become a national tradition to criticise every new NDP song and ask whether we really need yet another new NDP song?

One year, 2013, the NDP song, One Singapore, got so much hate that it was decided that, no, we did not need yet another new NDP song the next year.



At least it was not a song about fun packs sung to the tune of a Lady Gaga hit.



To be fair, that was not meant to be the National Day song that year, 2011. It was just a song about fun packs – meant to be sung on National Day.

Since your song does not mention fun packs or sound like Bad Romance, you are safe.

It also helps that you resisted using any Singlish in your song unlike the Ministry of Health, which lacked such self- restraint with the Phua Chu Kang Covid-19 music videos.



The chorus for The Road Ahead could have easily been “Come what may on the road ahead, just you wait and see, steady pom pi pi.”

But you said no. Why? Because you have standards. And an Ah Beng contractor in yellow boots is not singing it.

Maybe next year.

Also, great job not mentioning “Singapore” in a song about Singapore.

Otherwise, you would have to rhyme “Singapore” with “more”, “roar” or “a land to treasure right down to the core”, whatever that means. What “core”? Earth core? Apple core? Softcore?



One drawback is that without “Singapore”, you are making the song easier for people in India to copy without having to change the lyrics.

No, wait, “island” is mentioned several times in your song and India is not an island. Well played, madam. Well played.

But if videos start popping up on YouTube of Mumbai school children singing The Road Ahead with “nation” replacing “island”, that would just be reaffirmation that the song is good enough to steal.

It feels weird not mocking the new NDP song like Singaporeans usually do.

Is this the abnormal new normal?

The next time people ask me to put on a mask on the bus, I will just show them your video on my phone and start lip-syncing to it.

I will also tell them I used to be from the navy.

Steady pom pi pi.

- Published in The New Paper, 12 July 2021

Should you get the McDonald's BTS Meal even if you're not a fan of BTS?

Dear non-BTS fans,

How do you even exist?

How do you live in this world and not be a BTS fan?

I mean, I can understand if you are a non-MBS fan who does not know Marina Bay Sands is not in downtown Chattanooga, Tennessee.

But a non-BTS fan? That’s like the law of physics in a Fast And Furious movie – you’re non-existent. #JusticeforHan

However, for the sake of discussion, let’s say you do exist and the BTS Army hasn’t hunted you down like the dog that you are yet.

Let’s say you can’t tell Jungkook from Joo Koon MRT station.

Let’s say you think Dynamite and Butter are the same song. Break it down!



Let’s say up is down, orange is black and Robinsons is back – whatever.

Even if you don’t stan the only Korean act to ever top the US Billboard Hot 100 singles chart – three times! – you must have heard that McDonald’s belatedly launched its much-hyped BTS Meal in Singapore last Monday, delayed by some deadly virus that has been going around.



At long last, Singaporeans get to experience what is basically an upsized nine-piece McNugget meal but with two “special” dipping sauces, namely Cajun and Sweet Chilli, allegedly picked by the boyband themselves and inspired by McDonald’s South Korea.

Surprisingly, no butter. A missed cross-promo opportunity? No sticks of dynamite either.

So how special are the “special” sauces?



Let me put it this way. The Cajun sauce isn’t going to transport you to the Mardi Gras in New Orleans. It’s just honey mustard.

The Sweet Chilli, on the other hand, takes me back to my childhood because that was when I used to put Sinsin chilli sauce on everything.

But if you’re ordering the BTS Meal for the food, you’re missing the point.

Remember those bad old days when we used to queue at McDonald’s for the Hello Kitty toys like how people are now queuing for durian and Sinovac? We got our priorities right back then.

The food was just the necessary evil that came with the mouthless cat.

For the BTS Meal, it’s all about the special BTS Meal packaging.



And McDonald’s knows this as it tells you upfront on its app and website: “BTS-branded brown bag is not available in Singapore.”

What you do get is a BTS-branded McNuggets box, a very large BTS-branded cup and I suppose the little tubs for the sauces.

There are hundreds of listings for these items on Carousell. I don’t know how many people are actually buying them though.

At least one person is selling a McNugget that the seller claims is shaped like BTS member Jungkook. Or an MRT station if you can’t tell the difference.

Not to be confused with the McNugget from a BTS Meal that resembled a character from the online game Among Us and was apparently sold for US$99,997 (S$134,000) on US eBay.



It seems that people would do anything rather than eat the McNugget.

One Singaporean managed to craft a pair of shoes out of the packaging from six BTS Meals. That’s quite a feet.



What amazes me is that for all this, the BTS Meal itself is priced at $8.90, just 40 cents more than the non-BTS upsized nine-piece McNugget meal.

The only caveat is that the BTS Meal is only available for delivery to avoid a repeat of the krazy Hello Kitty kueues of yore.

That means a delivery charge of $4 if you use McDelivery or you can use another food delivery service.

As it has been a week since the launch, the hype has died down a bit and ordering online should be easier now.



So even if you’re not a BTS fan, why not?

You may be able to recoup some of your cost by selling the used packaging on Carousell to someone to make footwear with.

The way I see it, you have two options.

It’s either the BTS Meal or the unholy crime-against-nature mutant abomination that is the KFC Cheesy Zinger Triple Down.



And that has even less right to exist than you do.

Break it down!

- Published in The New Paper, 28 June 2021

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I feel like a fool for believing Joey Mendoza didn't copy Count On Me, Singapore

Dear Mr Joey Mendoza,

The Internet, right?

Here you are, living your life and making YouTube videos of your jaunty performances of Row Your Boat and other ditties, and out of the blue, some foreign government asks you to “substantiate” your claim that you wrote some song in 1983.

We are aware that a song titled “We Can Achieve” that bears striking similarity in tune and lyrics to our national song...

Posted by Ministry of Culture, Community and Youth - MCCY on Wednesday, March 17, 2021

Who can substantiate anything they did almost 40 years ago?

The only thing I did then that I can substantiate is that I passed my O-level Chinese even though nobody can believe I did.

Fortunately, my O-level cert has not been destroyed in a flood, I mean, ponding.

Unlike all your evidence, which was supposedly lost in the 2005 Mumbai floods.

So you caved.

Mr Joey Mendoza had earlier claimed that he wrote “We Can Achieve”, a song that is practically identical to “Count on...

Posted by Ministry of Culture, Community and Youth - MCCY on Saturday, March 20, 2021

What happened to the living proof that is the 250 orphans you taught the song to in 1983? Floods again?

I believed you.

I thought maybe it really was a coincidence that in 1986, some ad agency paid to write a song by the Singapore Government more than 3,000km away came up with almost exactly the same melody and lyrics as your song, We Can Achieve.



You know what they say, a monkey hitting random keys on a typewriter for an infinite amount of time will eventually bang out the complete works of Shakespeare and, apparently, also the words to Count On Me, Singapore.

I didn’t agree with my fellow Singaporeans who accused you of copying one of our beloved national songs composed by a Canadian working for an American company.

It’s like accusing Weird Al Yankovic of copying Michael Jackson.

All you needed were a funny moustache and a Hawaiian shirt, and people would have just thought you were doing a parody. You know, since you already have Weird Al’s hair.

As evidence of your plagiarism, it was highlighted that in the chorus of We Can Achieve, the line “Count on me, India” does not rhyme with “Count on me to give my best and more” whereas “Count on me, Singapore” does.

What nonsense.

I would point out that in the verse of both versions, “We’re going to build a better life for you and me” does not rhyme exactly with “We can achieve, we can achieve” either.

So the lack of rhyme is hardly proof of song theft.

Also, if you are going to steal one of our National Day songs, couldn’t you have stolen a better one, like the ever popular Home written by Dick Lee?



It’s like robbing an Apple store and taking an actual apple.

Or if you were more cunning, you could have cribbed from a National Day song that Singaporeans don’t remember, such as, um… I can’t remember any. But trust me, there are so many.



Let’s just say any National Day song that is not Home and does not have “Singapore” in the title.

Then people might not have noticed your plagiarism.

But Count On Me, Singapore is way too obvious.

I feel like such a fool now for believing you. You are not my sunshine.

Ironically, thanks to your version and the controversy it created, the status of the song has been elevated somewhat, at least, in my mind.



I have always thought that it’s a lame nationalistic jingle forced down Singaporeans’ throats by our Government, but now that I have learnt that people in your country are singing it too (albeit as a children’s song), maybe it’s not so wretched after all.



It's like someone tryinng to steal your ugly girlfriend and suddenly she's the most beautiful woman in the world.

As our Ministry of Culture, Community and Youth said, imitation is the best form of flattery.

That’s what you’ve achieved with We Can Achieve.

So at least something positive came out of your copyright infringement.

Hey, did you write Row Your Boat too?

- Published in The New Paper, 22 March 2021

Dear Mr Ong

I like the way you hammered J Mendoza in today's thenewpaper. Hope he get to read it.

It would have been forgivable, if he defended his action as doing a cover version, rather than claiming to be the originator. This is worse than the similarity between George Harrison's "My Sweet Lord" and The Chiffons' "He's So Fine".

Lucky he did not touch our Majulah Singapore or else the composer's spirit would have haunted him.

This episode shows this little red dot cannot be bullied easily. But we are also forgivable, if one is willing to admit and apologise for wrongdoing towards us. Kudo to our MCCY for not pursuing the matter further thus maintaining the good relationship we have with India. It is moment like this that make me proud to be a true blue Singaporean.

With warmest regards

Cancel culture: I started working from home last week because of coronavirus outbreak

This column has not been cancelled.

Unfortunately.

It seems like everything else has been cancelled or postponed because of the coronavirus.

Movies that were supposed to open this month, A Quiet Place Part 2 and Mulan, have been postponed indefinitely.



Next month is No Time To Die for James Bond so the movie has been rescheduled to die another day in November, as 007 is no match for Covid-19.

Fortunately, tomorrow never dies. But what if tomorrow never comes?



It was shipping expert and former Boyzone studmuffin Ronan Keating who said it best: “Life is a roller coaster, just gotta ride it.”

Speaking of cute white guys who sing, A-ha cancelled their Singapore concert because even they can’t take on the coronavirus.

Or take the coronovirus on.

Fortunately, the virus also repelled my mortal enemy, quasi-jazz musician Kenny G, from performing here last month.

Unfortunately, it was announced last week that the greatest thrash metal band ever that is not Metallica, Megadeth, Slayer or Anthrax – I’m talking about Testament – cancelled their March 25 concert here.



Fortunately, the Scorpions and Whitesnake still performed here earlier this month because it’s bats we have to worry about.



You know what else is not cancelled? Qing Ming.

Despite the outbreak and advisory about social distancing, my mother still insists on making her annual pilgrimage to Choa Chu Kang Columbarium next month, and my sister and I have to accompany her.

Isn’t there some restriction on events with 250 people or more (not counting the dead)?



It would be rather silly if we end up dead from visiting the dead.

Hey, life is a roller coaster, I remind myself. Just gotta ride it.



Last week, I was on my way to work when I received a call that I didn’t have to go to work any more.

Has work been cancelled too?

Not quite.

Someone in my office has been quarantined and so now everyone, including me, has to work from home.

For the first time since the outbreak, the coronavirus has affected me personally.

Three weeks ago, I found out that someone living on my street was a confirmed case. Even though it was a bit disconcerting, life pretty much went on as usual.

But working from home is a big change for me. No one never expects your life to turn into Fifth Harmony song.



When I received the call, I didn’t know whether to feel happy or sad. I just felt disoriented. Life is a roller coaster, just gotta ride it.

Going to work without having to “go” to work is weird.

There’s no buffer period during the commute for me to transition from my “home” mode to “work” mode.

What’s the difference between the “home” mode and “work” mode?

The level of forbearance.

Besides saving time and money on the commute, the other obvious advantage of working from home is no dress code.

I could be working naked. (Because Singapore is hot, you know, and I don't have air-conditioning.)

My colleagues could be working naked.

If I just imagine them working naked, should I report myself to HR?

Another benefit is that my colleagues won’t complain about me playing Boyzone a bit too loudly because they’re somewhere else.

It’s a sign of the times, girl.



Could this become the new normal? Do I want it to become the new normal?

I’m just a little old-fashioned, but I still find it more efficient to talk to each other in person than through messages.



Even if I have to put on clothes.

Good thing I don’t have to wear anything to write this column.

Oops. Perhaps it would have been best if I had said nothing at all.

- Published in The New Paper, 16 March 2020

Hello Smong!

Hope you're doing well, and keeping safe. Thanks for making my day - I survive on puns and jokes, and had been hanging on to Arnie's reply to where he got his toilet rolls - Aisle B, back - for a week :) And now, your column today will keep me smiling while I work from home (fully clothed).

Ronan is my favouritest artiste, so I had instantly forgiven him for his shipping gaffe... here's a tribute to his song titles, and also to you for providing the best reason to read Today!

The way you make me feel, giving me brighter days - if I don't tell you now, I might be lost for words. Back in the day without Covid-19, we did not have to stay so far away... Still, I am blown away by the efforts everyone's putting in. I love it when we do the SG-United thing, up until the point I realised it was not Covid-19 related, but Dorscon Pink instead. I cannot say I wouldn't change a thing, or can bear to do it all over again, especially the long goodbye from my dear colleagues - we are on a worldwide mandatory Work From Home order - all promised solemnly to be clothed for our team video calls).

Thank you, and please keep up the great work!

Best regards,
Lisa

People are making the same damn joke about Ronan Keating's 'viral' Instagram post

Ronan Keating, you say it best when you say nothing at all.

this is what a regular, busy port should look like lah bodoh peh fish and chip. pic.twitter.com/69O4w5wbtP

— SMRT Feedback by the Vigilanteh (@smrtsg) March 2, 2020

Yes, I get it already. Ronan Keating says it best when he says nothing at all.

What irritates me about this is that although When You Say Nothing At All is one of ex-Boyzone singer's best known songs, his is not the best version of the song.



The definitive and my favourite version is by bluegrass musician Alison Krauss, whom Keating covered.



Even Krauss's version is a cover of country legend Keith Whitley's original.



So kudos to Black Dot Research for going with another Keating hit.






UPDATE: The Straits Times just went with an old Boyzone favourite.

Cryptopsy in Singapore: I wore a Hello Kitty shirt to a death metal concert and didn’t die

On March 7, the Singapore concert by Swedish black metal band Watain was cancelled by the authorities at the last minute.

I and presumably most of Singapore had never heard of Watain before. Only 150 were expected at the concert.

The cancellation was largely attributed to a petition by a Rachel Chan to “ban satanic music groups Watain and Soilwork from performing in Singapore”.

Soilwork’s concert is in October. I and presumably most of Singapore had never heard of Soilwork too.

But Home Affairs and Law Minister K. Shanmugam said: “The petition per se did not influence the decision.”



Even so, two months later, the petition was updated to include on the ban list the death metal bands Pestilence and Cryptopsy plus an event called Metal United World Wide.

I had never heard of Pestilence or Metal United World Wide. The shows were last month.

But I have actually heard of Cryptopsy. I own one of their albums, The Best Of Us Bleed.



You know how we all go through a phase where we seek out music that would annoy our parents? I went through that last year. I was 51.

I wouldn’t say I “stan” Cryptopsy, but I enjoyed the album.

After news spread that Cryptopsy was added to the Rachel Chan petition, the Canadian band responded on their Facebook page to the “potential banning” in Singapore:

“We as a band have no say or opinions when it comes to any sort of religion. We believe that everyone should choose their own paths in life.

“The lyrical & visual content in our music is a parody of the extremity of our music. It is a theatrical representation of the brutality and has been created to shock and awe as much as the drumming, guitar & bass riffs.

“We are in no way encouraging our fans to act out any of the content our art depicts.

“For us, our music and visual imagery is in no way worse than most of the Hollywood movies that are available today.”

Way to throw Hollywood under the bus, guys. Could a petition to ban horror movies about killer dolls be next?

Annabelle and Chucky in the same week? Come on, Hollywood, space them out!





To show my support for Cryptopsy, I bought two tickets to their concert at The Substation last Friday night. I paid $75 each, which is still much less than a U2 ticket or so I keep telling myself.

I forced my 19-year-old daughter to go with me. She prefers Bastille and K-pop.

She sported a black Snoopy T-shirt from Uniqlo while I rocked a white Hello Kitty Run T-shirt because wearing black to a metal concert is so basic – even though neither of us had been to one before.

There were more than 100 paying audience members in the small Substation theatre, mostly men in black T-shirts and only a few women. No seats. We all stood.



As expected, the music was very loud and the singing consisted mainly of growls without any discernible words. I couldn’t tell the songs apart. The repetitiveness made my daughter sleepy even though she used ear plugs.

But I enjoyed myself, watching the fans stage dive, crowdsurf and wince in pain when they crash to the floor. I just had to be careful not to let any metalhead land on me.



My daughter and I got violently jostled a few times by slam dancers as we were standing too close to the mosh pit, but we’re okay.

In between doing the windmill with his buttock-length hair, Cryptopsy frontman Matt McGachy alluded to the petition when he urged Singapore not to let anyone tell us what we can and cannot listen to. I’m giving you the censored version of what he said.

After the hour-long performance, I queued up for the meet-and-greet with the band to get a picture with them.



No one commented on my Hello Kitty T-shirt.

I asked if they were told not to play any songs like Watain were. Cryptopsy drummer Flo Mounier shook his head and joked that nobody can understand what they are singing anyway. So at least they have some self-awareness.



Asked whether they were worried that the concert could have been cancelled like Watain’s, Mounier said that Watain and Cryptopsy are very different bands.

He’s right. Watain is a black metal band while Cryptopsy is a death metal band.

You may ask, aren’t black metal and death metal the same thing?

That’s like asking if Katy Perry and Taylor Swift are the same person. In case you don’t know, they’re not.



Well, at least the concert wasn't cancelled.

The Rachel Chan petition has since been deleted. Could it be because of a petition asking Mr Shanmugam to “get Rachel Chan deported from Singapore”? Who knows?

I wonder whether I should go to the concert by Swedish death metal band Soilwork if it does not get banned.

My daughter says she never wants go to another metal concert. I’ll have to ask someone else. My mother may be free.

- Published in The New Paper, 8 July 2019

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UPDATE: Soilwork concert in Singapore was cancelled

Sugar! Less, please (Apologies to Maroon 5)

Sugar was a major topic in Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong’s recent National Day Rally speech.

Sugar is also the title of the song I wrote in response to his speech.



Just as Taylor Swift has given songwriting credit for her new song Look What You Made Me Do to members of the group Right Said Fred of I’m Too Sexy fame, I too must give credit to Maroon 5 because I basically used the tune from their song, Sugar.



Nobody wants to get sued like Robin Thicke.

Here are the lyrics to my song:

I’m hungry, PM, what did you say?
I need to switch to brown rice
Must I today?
White rice taste better, but high GI
Don’t want no diabetes
I guess I’ll try

I don’t wanna be buying soft drinks
I just wanna do more brisk walking
But it’s killing me to exercise
(No chendol)
’Cause I really don’t care how it tastes
I just wanna be watching my waist
So I gotta eat more brown rice

Sugar!
Less, please
Just 1 per cent for my bubble tea
I’m obese, I could lose
Little weight, more than a few kgs
Yeah, you gave me a tracker
Count the steps I take
Need to get 10,000 — in a day
Sugar!
Less, please
PM says it may cause diabetes



My broken diet, I couldn’t fix
I just kept eating, eating
I have the pics
When I eat healthy
I don’t feel full
Pizza’s the one thing, one thing
That always rules

I don’t wanna be needing more food
I just wanna be in a good mood
And it’s killing me to abstain
(More durian)
’Cause I really don’t care if I’m fat
I just wanna have no regrets
So I’m hitting the buffet again

Sugar!
Less, please
“Siu dai” is how I order my teh c
More water, I should drink
Little bland, a little too boring
Yeah, I tried the diet drinks
No calories
Artificial sweetness, not for me
Sugar!
Less, please
PM says it may cause diabetes

Yeah
I want that roti john
I want that Hokkien mee
Don’t let nobody makan
Unless that somebody’s me
I gotta tell PM
There ain’t no other way
’Cause, man, I’m craving for
sambal barbecue stingray

I’m still hungry for some rice
Don’t have to be all white
Mix in some of that brown shit
No more of that… sugar!
Less, please
I still wanna try to go sugar-free
Even if, no Big Gulp
It’s so hard to avoid corn syrup
Yeah, the doctor just told me
My blood pressure’s high
Need to cut down on salt — in my diet
Sugar!
Now salt too
Think I might as well just stop eating food

- Published in The New Paper, 28 August 2017

Shocking celebrity deaths not 2016's fault (Was George Michael's death predicted by Last Christmas cover photo?)

Finally. It’s over.

2017 is here.

We can’t blame everything bad that happens on 2016 any more.

Yes, David Bowie died last year. Then Prince. Muhammad Ali. Mr S R Nathan. Daniel Ong and Jaime Teo’s marriage.



Not to be confused with Glenn Ong and Jamie Yeo’s marriage, which had perished a few years earlier.

I was more stunned by the news of the former couple’s divorce than a driver encountering a vehicle going against traffic on the expressway.



The lesson here is that if your name is Jamie or Jaime or Jiame or Jaemi or Jimea or, hell, just starts with the letter J, you shouldn’t marry a DJ with the surname Ong.

But 2016 didn’t kill those famous people or anyone’s marriage. Not even Brangelina’s.



2016 was just an innocent bystander who happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time.

It got to the point where right after I woke up every morning, I would go to Facebook on my phone just to check what other celebrity had died while I slept.

2016 couldn’t catch a break even in the last week of the year, which was probably the most brutal in terms of celebrity deaths.

George Michael, Carrie Fisher and her mother Debbie Reynolds died within days of each other.

No, I’m not including the reported death of Mariah Carey’s singing career after her abortive performance on a live TV show on New Year’s Eve. All she wanted for Christmas was for the audio system to be working properly.



But for me, the most shocking death was Michael’s.

It was shocking because he was only 53. That’s just three years older than I am.



It was shocking because he died on Dec 25 when you could hear his song, Last Christmas, being played all over the place and thus, the world’s most morbidly obvious pun was born on Christmas Day

It was George Michael’s last Christmas.

Except that, officially, the 1984 song is actually credited to Wham!, the pop duo Michael was in with Andrew Ridgeley before Michael went solo.

So it’s actually Wham!’s Last Christmas.

Except that as far as I know, Ridgeley is still alive.

But should he be?

If you look at the inside cover of one of the original 12-inch single versions of the song, you will see a photo of Michael in Santa costume fake-crying over Ridgeley in reindeer costume playing dead.



This was 32 Christmases ago.

It is almost as if the photo predicted that a member of Wham! would die on Christmas Day.

Someone more insensitive than I am would say the wrong member did.

Which makes you wonder what kind of secret pact Ridgeley made with the devil.

Is your mind blown yet?

Wait, there’s more.

I have a 12-inch single version of Last Christmas and it was given to me by someone special.

Actually, it was my friend Stewart from the navy, although I do think of him as someone special. We sailed together to Thailand once.

I would like to say he gave it to me last Christmas, but it was actually two years ago and closer to Chinese New Year.

(I’m talking about the 12-inch.)

The vinyl record has been on display on my work desk since 2015 as an ironic homage to 80s kitsch, but now that Michael has died, it has become a poignant reminder of how we take a certain time in our lives for granted until it’s gone.

So as badly as we want to forget 2016 after it took away so many people who meant so much to us, at least it helped us remember why they meant so much to us in the first place.

So for 2017, our new year’s resolution should be to let those who are still with us know how much they mean to us while we still can...

I love you, Stewart!

Freedom.

- Published in The New Paper, 9 January 2017

Ode to free Milo peng: Nathan Hartono's tiny joke 'took on a life of its own'

The girl queuing up behind me for the free Milo just asked "Who's Nathan Hartono?"
I feel so sorry for him, since this Milo's bc of him 😅

— 制服を着たい名探偵 (@arifer48) October 7, 2016

Who is Nathan Hartono?
Asked a girl queueing for free iced Milo
To deal with such fools
There should be rules
If you have never heard of the man
You should not be allowed near the Milo van
He’s the reason you’re getting free Milo peng
Girl, on Friday outside Plaza Sing



Hartono is the first Singaporean
To make it to the final of the Sing! China competition
Which used to be called The Voice Of China
Is it related to The Voice in America?
Yes, it’s the Chinese version of the US show
Based on the original from Holland, don’t you know
Which brings a whole new meaning to going Dutch
It’s not just the lady on the milk products we drink so much
Because of disputes with the franchise owner
The Voice Of China was rebranded as Sing! China

In a Straits Times interview, he told his fans:
“If I win, I will rent a fleet of Milo vans
And treat everybody to Milo peng”
Although the singer later said he was kidding
Milo Singapore saw the marketing opportunity
And took advantage of his flippancy

The Nestle company posted on Facebook last Saturday:
“Nathan, win or lose, Milo will support you all the way!
No need to rent, also can
Just tell us where, we bring the van
Fellow Singaporeans,
Any suggestions
On the location?”
This is such blatant self-promotion
Not that anyone is complaining
As long as we get free Milo peng



Why couldn’t Hartono have said
That he would treat everybody to chilli crab instead
Then he could have even more new fans
Alas, where does one rent a fleet of chilli crab vans?

He was amused by how his quip grew:
“I made one tiny joke about a Milo van during an interview
Hahahahahaha… thanks Internet”
But free Milo peng isn’t the only treat we get

To celebrate the singer’s “awesome achievement”
Tung Lok Group released a Facebook statement
You get free Liu Sha Bao (or salted egg yolk custard buns)
Today at selected Tung Lok restaurants
Yesterday, it was free spinach tofu
They’re both Hartono’s favourite food
Tomorrow, a 25 per cent discount you can grab
At various Tung Lok restaurants including Dancing Crab

How does Tung Lok know what he likes to eat?
Because his mother is a senior VP at the company
His uncle is executive chairman too
And his grandfather the founder of Tung Lok Group
Imagine, if on Friday night, Hartono had won
Would Tung Lok be giving free crab to everyone?



One assumes he has no relatives working at Milo
He explained on Facebook two days ago:
“A lot of people have been asking me
If this is some kind of brand deal/sponsorship
It really isn’t. I haven’t even been in contact with Nestle
Because of the crazy schedule here in China
It started off as a joke
And it kinda just took on a life of its own
Because Internet
But hey, if it means people all over town today get
Free Milo, then I’m happy. Seeing that big green bus
Always brightened my day back in school
So glad we could recreate some of that nostalgia
Enjoy guys. Sending love from Beijing”



We got free McNuggets when Joseph Schooling came in first
Though Hartono came in second, he has already quenched our thirst
Should he also get a victory parade on Orchard Road for all to see?
Then maybe the girl in the queue wouldn't ask “Who’s he?”

- Published in The New Paper, 9 October 2016

UPDATE:

What the fruit! PAP should just turn Pen Pineapple Apple Pen into its theme song

I was thrown for a fruit loop.

At first, I thought it was a parody video about the People’s Action Party (PAP) and it should be.

After all, the video has PPAP in the title and it starts with a guy, who looks like Hong Kong comedian Richard Ng wearing gold animal-preens (shout out to Ris Low!) pyjamas with a matching scarf, saying “PPAP”.



Then he starts dancing and singing. Actually, to call it “singing” would be an insult even to Florence Foster Jenkins.

He is simply saying words to the beat, which I guess could be called “rapping”.

I have a pen. I have a apple.
Ugh! Apple pen.
I have a pen. I have pineapple.
Ugh! Pineapple pen.
Apple pen, pineapple pen.
Ugh! Pen Pineapple Apple Pen.
Pen Pineapple Apple Pen.

And that’s what PPAP stands for — Pen Pineapple Apple Pen. So it has nothing to do with Singapore’s ruling political party.



At one minute and eight seconds, the viral video is mercifully short but mercilessly inescapable, having accumulated more than 14 million views on YouTube since it was published on Aug 25.

This does not include the tens of millions of views the video got elsewhere after Pen Pineapple Apple Pen was re-uploaded by others.

No fruit has received this much attention since Amos Yee ate a banana on the way to court one day.

Like Gangnam Style and Harlem Shake, the song has inspired remixes, spoofs and memes from around the world.



You can even use it to report the news:

I have a bendy bus. I have a field.
Ugh! Field bus.
I have a bus.
I have tennis court.
Ugh! Tennis court bus.
Field bus, tennis court bus.
Ugh! Bus tennis court field bus.

But what is this Pen Pineapple Apple Pen nonsense about anyway?

What’s with the weird desire to marry fruit and writing instruments?

This is what it says in the YouTube description:

“Singer-songwriter ‘pico Taro’ from Chiba of the Furusaka University demon king one push.

“The ‘pico Taro animation project’ first that began at last!

“Pen Pineapple Apple Pen, also known as PPAP which is representative music!

“It is... to the person whom I do not entrust with music to affect a heart.”

Looks like someone has been relying too much on Google Translate.

Pico Taro, whom the video is credited to, is a character created and played by 43-year-old Japanese comedian and DJ Kosaka Daimaou, whose real name is Kazuhiko Kosaka.

He is apparently not related to Richard Ng.



That is, apart from the moustache.

I would like to point out that thanks to the power of suggestion, some people may remember seeing the Richard Ng look-alike holding up a pen, an apple and a pineapple in the video when in fact, he is lying.

He does not have a pen. He does not have an apple.

And he definitely does not have an apple pen.

He also does not have a pineapple, which means he does not have a pineapple pen too.

So no actual fruit (or pen) was harmed in the making of this video.



Is it just me or does the way he jabs his imaginary pen into his imaginary fruit each time he says “Ugh!” seem disturbingly sexual?

I’m not sure it would be more or less disturbing if he used an actual pen and fruit.

If you have ever wondered whether an apple pen or pineapple pen actually exists, Pilot Pen Singapore has read your mind.

The pen company posted on Facebook last week:

“Ever wondered if a pineapple pen or apple pen actually exists?

“Well, the answer to your question is the pineapple and apple ‘flavoured’ pens from our Pilot #Juice limited edition Aromatic series.”

Yes, pens that smell like fruit.

Are you supposed to write with them or make a smoothie?

Like Pilot Pen Singapore, PAP should also jump on the Pen Pineapple Apple Pen bandwagon and make it the party’s new theme song.

After all, Singaporeans already think of PAP when the guy says “PPAP” anyway.

You only have to change a few words to turn it into a PAP song:

I have a party. I have action.
Ugh! Action party.
I have a party. I have people.
Ugh! People’s party.
Action party, people’s party.
Ugh! Party People’s Action Party.

You’re welcome.

- Published in The New Paper, 2 October 2016

Flagged: Even if you're not Catholic, you should boycott Madonna for this reason

I am not going to the Madonna concert tonight.

And neither should you.

Even if you’re not Catholic.

Yes, the Catholic Church is condemning Madonna again.

In 1989, it was because of the Like A Prayer music video, which features burning crosses and the singer getting stigmata-like wounds on her hand.



In 2006, it was because of her Confessions tour, which featured the singer hanging on a cross with a crown of thorns on her head and singing Live To Tell.



I see a pattern here.

Her current Rebel Heart tour features the song Holy Water, which is performed with pole dancers on cross-shaped poles wearing nun costumes minus the bottom half.



But the Media Development Authority (MDA) is not allowing Madonna to perform the song at her M18-rated concert here because the segment contains “religiously-sensitive content which breach our guidelines”.

I’m guessing MDA is referring to the cross-shaped poles and pole dancers in nun costumes minus the bottom half.

But apparently, to the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Singapore, MDA censorship no enough.

The Archdiocesan Communications Office released a statement:

“Many have expressed their concern and even outrage at the performer’s disrespectful use of Catholic and other Christian symbols during her performances.”

In the Philippines, where Madonna performed last week presumably without MDA interference, Catholic bishops called her concert the devil’s work and wanted a boycott.

After all these years and the various controversies, you would think by now, someone in the Catholic Church would have come to the realisation: “Hey, this Madonna could just be trolling us.”

All I am saying is Madonna is the Amos Yee of popular music.

Except she has better hair and is old enough to be his mother.

Or grandmother.

Madonna is 57 years old. If she were Singaporean, she could withdraw her CPF. Well, partially at least.

But despite her CPF eligibility, she can still provoke the church like she’s 31.

In the Archdiocese’s statement, Archbishop of Singapore William Goh “reminds all Catholics that it is our moral obligation not to support those who denigrate and insult religions”.

In other words, if you’re Catholic, abstain from the Madonna concert. Is it still Lent?

Hey, you could go to the Kool & The Gang concert at Marina Bay Sands instead.



Unless the Archdiocese has something against having a celebration to last throughout the years.

The band even had a hit song in the 80s called Cherish — just like Madonna.





Both acts also recorded songs titled Celebration.





So Kool & The Gang are practically the same as Madonna but without the crucifixion fixation.

And the tickets are cheaper too.

No, wait — the Kool & The Gang concert was last night. Aiyah, just missed it.

Did anyone go?

If only MDA had banned Kool & The Gang from playing their hit Ladies’ Night for promoting lesbian parties, they could’ve have had more publicity for their show.



Unlike Kool & The Gang, Madonna doesn’t need extra publicity.

More than 22,000 are expected at the National Stadium tonight. Who knows how many of them will be Catholic?

It has been suggested that in response to Archbishop Goh, Madonna’s opening song should be Papa Don’t Preach.



But this won’t work because the archbishop is only a year older than Madonna. So he’s a bit too young to be her papa.

Like the archbishop, I want people to skip the concert too — but for a different reason.

In every country on her tour, Madonna has ended the concert with a performance of her 1983 hit Holiday draped in the country’s flag.

This part of her show has caused a flap, so to speak, in Taiwan and most recently, the Philippines.



I expect Madonna will wear the Singapore flag tonight as well.

Our law says no person shall use the flag as part of a costume except during the National Day celebration period between July 1 and Sept 30.

It’s February now.

I remind all Singaporeans that it is our moral obligation not to support those foreigners who break our laws.

There is no neutrality in law. One is either for or against. Being present (at these events) in itself is a counter witness. Obeying the law must come before the arts.

As law-abiding citizens, we should subscribe to authentic arts that don’t break the law and not support the “pseudo arts” that promote law-breaking at the expense of respecting the flag.

So if you’re a Catholic Singaporean, you now have two good excuses, I mean, reasons for not seeing Madonna.

They’re better than “I can’t afford the tickets.”

- Published in The New Paper, 28 February 2016

UPDATE: She caved! In the end, Madonna didn't don the Singapore flag at the Singapore concert. She used a blue flag with a peace symbol design instead. Could it be because of this column? More likely it was because of what happened in the Philippines. Not such a Rebel Heart after all.

Madonna performing Holiday as an encore, bringing her #RebelHeartTour concert at the National Stadium to an end. http://str.sg/ZyMt ST VIDEO: ANJALI RAGURAMAN
Posted by The Straits Times on Sunday, February 28, 2016