Wednesday 25 February 2015

Another 'online spat': Glenn Ong versus... me?

I guess this has been a long time coming.

In respose to my column on Sunday about his 'online spat' with Nicholas Lee, Glenn Ong tweeted this today:

He also went on Instagram:

And tweeted:

Do I finally get to be in an 'online spat' with a local celebrity?

As Dolly from Under One Roof used to say, so exciting!

So I tweeted back to Glenn:

He replied:

I corrected him:

Understandable mistake. Glenn probably confused Say Say Say with Richie's Say You Say Me.

Then a sudden change of heart:

And just like that, Glenn's "online spat" with me was over.

Not exactly the thriller one had hoped.

EARLIER: Still a jerk? Glenn Ong versus Nicholas Lee (and VR Man)

Sunday 22 February 2015

Still a jerk? Glenn Ong versus Nicholas Lee (and VR Man)

Glenn Ong again?

Yes, I’m aware that I wrote about the former radio DJ just last month.

Can I help it if last week, his second ex-wife Jamie Yeo revealed in a magazine interview that their 2009 break-up was her fault and that she was “really sorry”?

That is a game-changing revelation about Ong, who has provided this column with so much material since he announced his separation from Yeo on his radio show six years ago on Valentine's Day. How romantic.

Then, less than two weeks later, he announced he was dating another DJ, Jean Danker.

There was speculation that Ong was already “dating” Danker during his marriage to Yeo, leading to the split.

Since Ong already had one failed marriage with another DJ, the late Kate Reyes, where Yeo herself was alleged to be the third party, it was easy to jump to the conclusion that he was the bad guy.

Or “scum-worthy”, as radio DJ Joe Augustin put it in 2001 after Ong’s split with Reyes.

Augustin and Ong must have since kissed and made up as Augustin was Ong's last on-air partner before Ong quit MediaCorp last month to become a director at some consulting firm called Cirvis.

That's 50 Shades Of Glenn for ya.

But now Yeo has set the record straight — not about whether she was responsible for breaking up Ong’s first marriage, but about being responsible for breaking up his second marriage and her first.

In response to Yeo's bombshell, Ong, 45, told The New Paper last week:
“Maybe this will answer the questions of a lot of people who blamed me for the split. I bore the brunt of it for years, with netizens calling me a jerk and saying I had cheated on her and was the cause of it all.”
On behalf of all those netizens, I concede that they might have been wrong to say Ong cheated on Yeo - but the jury is still out on whether he is a jerk.

We need a character witness.

I know! Let's get Nicholas Lee.

The actor first came to fame in the 90s as a cast member of Singapore’s first sitcom, Under One Roof.

But today, he is probably better known for his recent online spat with Ong over another local show on Channel 5, a futuristic sci-fi drama called 2025.

It stars Lim Kay Tong, who coincidentally will also appear in another production with a year as the title, playing Mr Lee Kuan Yew in the upcoming movie, 1965.

How does Lim travel from 10 years in the future to 50 years in the past? In a hot tub time machine, of course.

So is 2025 any good?

Here is Glenn Ong’s Twitter review:

I have to disagree with him here.

VR Man was not funny.

Sure, the short clips of the 1998 series starring James Lye on YouTube are unintentionally hilarious.

But if you ever sit through a complete episode, you will realise it’s no laughing matter. You’ll wish for a hot tub time machine to get back the 60 minutes you wasted watching the show.

But I wasn’t the only who took umbrage at Ong’s tweet.

2025 happens to be produced by Nicholas Lee’s pornographically-named production company, XXX Studios.

In response to Ong dissing his show, Lee retorted: “Spends his entire career talking cock. Even after quitting still talks shit. Fuck Glenn Ong.”

I think it's safe to say Lee thinks Ong is a jerk.

I’m not sure whose side to take in this mini feud as I have been both a critic and a producer of criticised local shows.

Like Ong, I have been frustrated by how unwatchable local shows can be. We haters gonna hate.

On the other hand, I applaud Lee for standing up for his show and the people in his company who worked so hard to produce 2025, although he could’ve used fewer expletives.

As Lee told The Straits Times: “The show represents the collective efforts of over 200 Singaporeans over 14 months under very challenging circumstances.”

All this publicity could’ve even improved the show’s ratings last night.

You know who really should be angry with Ong? The people who worked so hard to produce VR Man all those years ago.

How dare Ong compare VR Man to 2025? What an insult to VR Man.

At least people are still talking about VR Man more than a decade later. You think anyone will even remember 2025 in 2025?

I’m going to be a jerk and say no.

Lim Kay Tong may be Mr Lee Kuan Yew, but he is no James Lye.

- Published in The New Paper, 22 February 2015


Why VR Man will outlive us all

Why I'm afraid to bump into Glenn Ong

UPDATE: Another 'online spat': Glenn Ong versus... me?

Wednesday 18 February 2015

Why does Chinese New Year seem so quiet this year?

Chinese New Year will be here tomorrow.


As I've written before (and got flak for it), I'm no fan of Chinese New Year.

But I've noticed that this year, ithe celebrations seem relatively muted (for which I'm grateful).

Makansutra's KF Seetoh also made a similar observation on Facebook:

Some attribute the lack of "CNY spirit" to businesses not wanting to pay the royalties for playing CNY songs. The flaw in the theory is that this requirement has been around for years.

This Sunday Times report is from 4 Feb 2007:

Copyright rules mean even small shops & eateries must pay up if they want to play CNY songs
Did you spot me in the Stop Shop Theft video by the Singapore Police Force?
Pay - if you want to play Chinese New Year songs in your shop, restuarant or hair salon.

This is even if you do so for a short period during the run-up to the celebration. That's the stand of the Composers and Authors Society of Singapore (Compass), a non-profit organisation which protects the copyright interests of composers, authors and publishers of musical works.

It collects, & distributes, royalities to them.

Compass spokesman Gerald Ng says a fee must be paid "whether they play music 2 weeks in a year during Chinese New Year or the whole year round".

An annual licence is required to broadcast music. And the rule doesn't just apply to nightclubs or KTV lounges. It also affects all commercial outlets that play recorded music - even neighbourhood stores, coffee shops and hair salons.

The cost can range from $195 for a small eatery with 32 seats to about $16,000 for a large mall with 20,000 sq m of pedestrian space.

An operator of an average-sized coffee shop with 90 seats will have to pay $380, or risk a fine not exceeding $20,000, a jail term of up to 2 years, or both.

How strictly does Compass enforce this? I don't know, but I'm unaware of any clampdown this year or last year. So why should it be a factor now?

There also isn't a recession (at least not yet) like in 2009, so you can't blame the economy.

My wife says it's because the Year of the Goat (or Sheep or Ram or Yak, whatever) isn't very popular, unlike say the Year of the Dragon or Horse.

Yes, it does seem to get more festive when it's the Year of the Dragon, but that doesn't mean it gets less festive in other years — it's just the usual level of festivities.

My own theory is that the this year's CNY feels rather subdued because it comes too late in the calender year — Feb 19, ie tomorrow.

In the years when CNY was in January, I have seen retailers quickly switch their Christmas decorations to CNY decorations even before December was over to cram as much pre-CNY promotion as they could in the few weeks they had.

But when you have more than seven long weeks from Christmas to CNY (with Valentine's Day in between), there is less urgency to go all out for CNY — and hence, less impact.

In fact, CNY has never come this late in the year since 1996, the last time the holiday fell on Feb 19. Anyone remember how low key it was then?

Or more recently in 2007 when CNY was on Feb 18, just a day earlier?

For an even later date, you have to go all the way back to 1985 when the first day of CNY was Feb 20.

Check out the chart below from

YearChinese New Year DateAnimal Sign
19301930-01-29Horse (1930-01-29—1931-02-16)
19311931-02-17Sheep (1931-02-17—1932-02-05)
19321932-02-06Monkey (1932-02-06—1933-01-25)
19331933-01-26Rooster (1933-01-26—1934-02-13)
19341934-02-14Dog (1934-02-14—1935-02-03)
19351935-02-04Pig (1935-02-04—1936-01-23)
19361936-01-24Rat (1936-01-24—1937-02-10)
19371937-02-11Ox (1937-02-11—1938-01-30)
19381938-01-31Tiger (1938-01-31—1939-02-18)
19391939-02-19Rabbit (1939-02-19—1940-02-07)
19401940-02-08Dragon (1940-02-08—1941-01-26)
19411941-01-27Snake (1941-01-27—1942-02-14)
19421942-02-15Horse (1942-02-15—1943-02-03)
19431943-02-04Sheep (1943-02-04—1944-01-24)
19441944-01-25Monkey (1944-01-25—1945-02-12)
19451945-02-13Rooster (1945-02-13—1946-01-31)
19461946-02-01Dog (1946-02-01—1947-01-21)
19471947-01-22Pig (1947-01-22—1948-02-09)
19481948-02-10Rat (1948-02-10—1949-01-28)
19491949-01-29Ox (1949-01-29—1950-02-16)
19501950-02-17Tiger (1950-02-17—1951-02-05)
19511951-02-06Rabbit (1951-02-06—1952-01-26)
19521952-01-27Dragon (1952-01-27—1953-02-13)
19531953-02-14Snake (1953-02-14—1954-02-02)
19541954-02-03Horse (1954-02-03—1955-01-23)
19551955-01-24Sheep (1955-01-24—1956-02-11)
19561956-02-12Monkey (1956-02-12—1957-01-30)
19571957-01-31Rooster (1957-01-31—1958-02-17)
19581958-02-18Dog (1958-02-18—1959-02-07)
19591959-02-08Pig (1959-02-08—1960-01-27)
19601960-01-28Rat (1960-01-28—1961-02-14)
19611961-02-15Ox (1961-02-15—1962-02-04)
19621962-02-05Tiger (1962-02-05—1963-01-24)
19631963-01-25Rabbit (1963-01-25—1964-02-12)
19641964-02-13Dragon (1964-02-13—1965-02-01)
19651965-02-02Snake (1965-02-02—1966-01-20)
19661966-01-21Horse (1966-01-21—1967-02-08)
19671967-02-09Sheep (1967-02-09—1968-01-29)
19681968-01-30Monkey (1968-01-30—1969-02-16)
19691969-02-17Rooster (1969-02-17—1970-02-05)
19701970-02-06Dog (1970-02-06—1971-01-26)
19711971-01-27Pig (1971-01-27—1972-02-14)
19721972-02-15Rat (1972-02-15—1973-02-02)
19731973-02-03Ox (1973-02-03—1974-01-22)
19741974-01-23Tiger (1974-01-23—1975-02-10)
19751975-02-11Rabbit (1975-02-11—1976-01-30)
19761976-01-31Dragon (1976-01-31—1977-02-17)
19771977-02-18Snake (1977-02-18—1978-02-06)
19781978-02-07Horse (1978-02-07—1979-01-27)
19791979-01-28Sheep (1979-01-28—1980-02-15)
19801980-02-16Monkey (1980-02-16—1981-02-04)
19811981-02-05Rooster (1981-02-05—1982-01-24)
19821982-01-25Dog (1982-01-25—1983-02-12)
19831983-02-13Pig (1983-02-13—1984-02-01)
19841984-02-02Rat (1984-02-02—1985-02-19)
19851985-02-20Ox (1985-02-20—1986-02-08)
19861986-02-09Tiger (1986-02-09—1987-01-28)
19871987-01-29Rabbit (1987-01-29—1988-02-16)
19881988-02-17Dragon (1988-02-17—1989-02-05)
19891989-02-06Snake (1989-02-06—1990-01-26)
19901990-01-27Horse (1990-01-27—1991-02-14)
19911991-02-15Sheep (1991-02-15—1992-02-03)
19921992-02-04Monkey (1992-02-04—1993-01-22)
19931993-01-23Rooster (1993-01-23—1994-02-09)
19941994-02-10Dog (1994-02-10—1995-01-30)
19951995-01-31Pig (1995-01-31—1996-02-18)
19961996-02-19Rat (1996-02-19—1997-02-06)
19971997-02-07Ox (1997-02-07—1998-01-27)
19981998-01-28Tiger (1998-01-28—1999-02-15)
19991999-02-16Rabbit (1999-02-16—2000-02-04)
20002000-02-05Dragon (2000-02-05—2001-01-23)
20012001-01-24Snake (2001-01-24—2002-02-11)
20022002-02-12Horse (2002-02-12—2003-01-31)
20032003-02-01Sheep (2003-02-01—2004-01-21)
20042004-01-22Monkey (2004-01-22—2005-02-08)
20052005-02-09Rooster (2005-02-09—2006-01-28)
20062006-01-29Dog (2006-01-29—2007-02-17)
20072007-02-18Pig (2007-02-18—2008-02-06)
20082008-02-07Rat (2008-02-07—2009-01-25)
20092009-01-26Ox (2009-01-26—2010-02-13)
20102010-02-14Tiger (2010-02-14—2011-02-02)
20112011-02-03Rabbit (2011-02-03—2012-01-22)
20122012-01-23Dragon (2012-01-23—2013-02-09)
20132013-02-10Snake (2013-02-10—2014-01-30)
20142014-01-31Horse (2014-01-31—2015-02-18)
20152015-02-19Sheep (2015-02-19—2016-02-07)
20162016-02-08Monkey (2016-02-08—2017-01-27)
20172017-01-28Rooster (2017-01-28—2018-02-15)
20182018-02-16Dog (2018-02-16—2019-02-04)
20192019-02-05Pig (2019-02-05—2020-01-24)
20202020-01-25Rat (2020-01-25—2021-02-11)
20212021-02-12Ox (2021-02-12—2022-01-31)
20222022-02-01Tiger (2022-02-01—2023-01-21)
20232023-01-22Rabbit (2023-01-22—2024-02-09)
20242024-02-10Dragon (2024-02-10—2025-01-28)
20252025-01-29Snake (2025-01-29—2026-02-16)
20262026-02-17Horse (2026-02-17—2027-02-05)
20272027-02-06Sheep (2027-02-06—2028-01-25)
20282028-01-26Monkey (2028-01-26—2029-02-12)
20292029-02-13Rooster (2029-02-13—2030-02-02)
20302030-02-03Dog (2030-02-03—2031-01-22)

I think I prefer CNY to come before Valentine's Day, so that we can get it over with as quickly possible. This year, it already feels like CNY has been going on forever.

Like I said, Chinese New Year will be here tomorrow.


EARLIER: Skip Chinese New Year? I tried

Tuesday 17 February 2015

Video: I want to stop shop theft like the 'yan dao' cop too

Did you spot my cameo in the Stop Shop Theft video by the Singapore Police Force?

A video posted by SM Ong (@sm_ong) on

I shot my scene at the NTUC FairPrice Xtra in Jem.


If you haven't seen the original video starring the 'yan dao' cop, ASP Ryan Koh, here it is:

My apologies to the Supremes.

Sunday 15 February 2015

Skip Chinese New Year? I tried

In 2001, US author John Grisham wrote a No. 1 New York Times bestseller called Skipping Christmas.

For those who have never heard of Grisham, his books were like the Fifty Shades Of Grey of the 90s. Only instead of writing about journalists having kinky sex with their interview subjects (happens to me all the time), Grisham wrote mostly about lawyers. So it was more like Fifty Shades Of Grey Suits.

But Skipping Christmas was not about lawyers, so it was quite a departure for Grisham. As the title suggests, the short novel is about a married American couple who decide to skip Christmas.

That is, to forgo all the annual rituals that come with the holiday — the shopping, the tree, the decorating, the cards, the fruitcake and so on.

As someone who routinely doesn’t do any of those things (except shopping), I was surprised you could write a whole book about not doing those things.

Why put up decorations and get a tree when you have to get rid of them in a couple of weeks anyway?

But Skipping Christmas was not only a book — it also became a 2004 movie called Christmas With The Kranks, starring Tim Allen and Jamie Lee Curtis.

Let’s just say it wasn’t exactly Lord Of The Rings.

Then this year, I finally got it. I finally understood why it was so difficult for the fictional American couple to skip Christmas.

It would be like me trying to skip Chinese New Year.

I have more or less managed to skip everything else.

Over the years, I have trained my family (my wife and two teenage kids) not to get sucked in by all these fake “holidays” promoted by the retail industrial complex — Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and the increasingly popular Halloween.

No presents. No cards. No overpriced “holiday” restaurant meals.

But I do allow cakes and presents on birthdays, and my wife gets the set lunch at Jack’s Place on our wedding anniversary. But that was it.

We, as a family, do not participate in any superfluous holiday ritual.

Except for Chinese New Year.

It should be called the Festival of Queues, with all the Singaporeans queueing for bak kwa and to buy Toto for the annual Hongbao Draw.

Even I couldn’t escape queuing for new notes at the bank to stuff into the hongbao.

But why do I need to give hongbao anyway, much less use new notes?

Just because everyone is doing it? Because it’s tradition? For good luck? Courtesy?

One year, I decided not to give out hongbao at all when visiting relatives.

Call me stingy. Call me a CNY Scrooge. I don’t care.

After the CPF changes, I’m still not sure exactly how much or how little I can withdraw from my account when I turn 55 in six years, so cash flow is no small consideration.

Not everyone can work at DBS Bank and get a $1,000 SG50 hongbao.

I should be practical and secure enough to withstand some name-calling and gossipy whispers behind my back.

But my mother wasn’t. I later found out that to save face, my mother gave out hongbao on my behalf, which kind of defeated the purpose.

I think too many of us care too much about saving face (instead of saving money). So it was back to queueing for new notes to stuff into the hongbao the next year.

Chinese New Year is one reason I miss full-time national service (NS).

At least during my NS, I could volunteer for CNY duty to avoid visiting relatives and lie to my mother that it was my unreasonable Encik who forced me to be on duty.

So I had two very restful Chinese New Years, thanks to conscription.

Without NS, the only way for me to get out of visiting relatives now is to go on an actual holiday overseas during the holiday, which indeed, some of my relatives have done.

Hey, wait a minute. Were they avoiding me?

I wonder, is it possible to not get sucked into the CNY industrial complex without leaving the country?

In other words, could I skip Chinese New Year?

I could lie to my mother that the family was going on a holiday.

No hongbao, no oranges, no shopping for new clothes and no reunion dinner.

My wife was all for it.

“Let’s do it!” she said.

But alas, my damn kids protested.

My son claimed he actually enjoyed seeing our relatives once a year.

My daughter said: “I have to go visit the food and the hongbao.”

Sure, it’s all profit for them, but it’s just dollar bills flying out of my wallet for me.

So not this year, but maybe next year.

And if not next year, then the year after that.

But someday — I don’t know when — I’m going to write a book called Skipping Chinese New Year and it will be autobiographical.

New York Times bestsellers list, here I come!

- Published in The New Paper, 15 February 2015

Friday 13 February 2015

'Annoying' but 'newsworthy': Tweets about AHPETC debate in Parliament

Monday 9 February 2015

They grow up so fast: 10 years of Chinese New Year clothes











Sunday 8 February 2015

50 shades of Baey: Run to be with him

This was it.

It was as if all the training was to prepare me for this moment — and I didn’t even realise it.

All the Jurong Lake Runs, the Hello Kitty Run, The Urgent Run for World Toilet Day, the Army Half Marathon — they were just foreplay for the main event on Thursday.

That was the day of my first #runwithBYK.

“Who is BYK?” you may ask.

That’s when I look at you with disgust and ask: “Do I have to explain what a ‘selfie’ is, too?”

If not for this person, many Singaporeans may not have even heard of the word “selfie”, although that may not necessarily be a bad thing.

Just like if not for Miley Cyrus, you may not know what “twerking” is and wish you didn't.

And no, I’m not talking about US selfie queen Kim Kardashian, primarily because her initials are not BYK, although like Kardashian, Singapore’s selfie king Baey Yam Keng is sort of like a reality star himself and not at all camera-shy.

And while Kardashian has a spouse who put her in his music video, Mr Baey has a spouse who put him in her play.

So the Member of Parliament for Tampines GRC not only runs but also walks the boards.

I had written so much about the man without actually meeting him that he was in danger of becoming like Hello Kitty, a disembodied construct that exists solely to provide material for this column.

So when the opportunity came to rectify this situation, I leapt at it. Or rather, I took the MRT train to Raffles Place at it.

It all started on Wednesday with a post by Mr Baey on Instagram with the hashtag #runwithBYK and an open invitation to join him in his “first ever evening run at Marina Bay tomorrow”.

His previous runs were either in the morning or in Tampines.

I couldn't join him for the morning runs because I don't usually get out of bed until lunch time.

And because I live in Choa Chu Kang, I avoid going to the eastern part of Singapore since the people there tend to look down on us “westerners” as evidenced by the West Sucks Story Tumblr.

Also, Tampines is very far.

But Thursday evening at Marina Bay was the perfect time and place.

Next, I had to decide what to wear.

My 2014 TNP Big Walk tee had shrunk in the wrong places and my ST Run At The Hub tee makes me look fat.

In the end, I settled on a tight bluish grey Renoma tee which shows off my moobs.

Then I had another problem.

The Instagram said to meet at the Raffles statue by the river, but I Googled it and found there were two Raffles statues in the area.

As if my life wasn’t already difficult enough. Damn you, Sir Stamford, if you ruin this day for me.

So I took a big chance and went to the statue nearest the river.

I was 10 minutes early and saw another guy in running gear hanging around the statue. Was he here for the #runwithBYK too?

That meant I wouldn’t have Mr Baey to myself. My heart sank.

Nursing my disappointment, I walked as far away as I could from the interloper while keeping the statue in sight.

A few minutes later, I saw Mr Baey talking to my new enemy and immediately went to make my presence known.

As I laid eyes on the MP's lean, tanned body in a black Adidas tank top, I finally saw in the flesh why I once called him the Sexiest Man Alive.

He recognised me and said: “S M Ong.”

I could die now.

Shaking my hand, he said: “You look better in person than in your photos.”

I know, right? Not everyone can be as photogenic as His Selfieness.

Then the most coincidental thing in the universe happened. The other guy (the interloper, my new enemy) recognised me and I recognised him.

We used to work at MediaCorp together. He was a producer-director for Singapore’s groundbreaking sitcom Under One Roof, which I also wrote for. I haven’t seen him in about a decade.

He, too, had never met Mr Baey before and decided to join the #runwithBYK after seeing the post on Instagram.

Who knew #runwithBYK could reunite old acquaintances better than Facebook?

Suddenly, Mr Baey seemed like the third wheel.

But after some quick catching-up, it was time to run.

From the Raffles statue, Mr Baey led us past the Esplanade, over the Helix Bridge, past Gardens By The Bay to the Marina Barrage where we took a break. That was over 3km.

Along the way, we were approaching an intimidating flight of stairs when I whined: “Stairs?

Mr Baey immediately changed direction and we ran up a gentle slope instead. He is considerate like that.

During the break at Marina Barrage, I explained I was still recovering from a 14km run at MacRitchie Reservoir the previous day, so I wasn’t in the best of shape. I think they believed me.

After we took the all-important selfies to commemorate the occasion, it was time to run back, this time round the other side of the bay past Marina Bay Sands and Clifford Pier.

But I lagged so far behind the other two that at One Fullerton, I completely lost sight of them in the evening rush-hour crowd.

Despite all the Jurong Lake Runs, the Hello Kitty Run, The Urgent Run and the Army Half Marathon, I couldn’t keep up with BYK.

Would I see him again?

I figured if I could find my way back to the Raffles statue, I still had a chance.

As I wandered through the maze of tunnels and bridges, I must have stumbled onto a shortcut because I suddenly see Mr Baey and my ex-colleague crossing the road in front of Victoria Theatre.

The road was so busy, I was worried they would be killed by oncoming traffic. That would certainly affect Mr Baey’s chances for re-election.

But I caught up with them and we made it across the road alive.

Alas, it was time to say goodbye — but not before I took one final selfie with the selfie king.

Who knows if we’ll ever meet again?

We’ll always have Instagram.

Here’s looking at you, BYK.

Valentine’s Day is this week. Should I get him something?

- Published in The New Paper, 8 February 2015

EARLIER: A Singaporean for Sexiest Man Alive?

Sunday 1 February 2015

What happened to Joanne Peh?

I suppose you’ve heard the big Joanne Peh news by now.

I, too, was caught by surprise like everyone else although in retrospect, I should’ve seen it coming.

I am, of course, talking about the actress leaving the Channel 5 drama series Code Of Law.

What a shocker.

I mean, there was no announcement that Peh was fleeing the local Law & Order rip-off, which she has been the star of since the show’s 2012 debut.

Then last week, on the fourth episode of the third season, she wasn't there any more. I found out about it on Twitter.

Sure, Keagan Kang, the other star of Code Of Law, is still on the show and is even prettier than Peh, but he’s no Mrs Qi Yuwu.

He’s more like Bobby Tonelli Light.

So what happened to Peh?

Was she killed off? Is she coming back?

Did I miss something in the previous episode?

Oh, yah, I did because I don’t watch Code Of Law at all.

Or Channel 5.

Or TV.

But I do watch YouTube.

So Channel 5 has helpfully uploaded on YouTube the Code Of Law episode that Peh last appeared in just so I can find out what happened to her.

No other full episode was uploaded on YouTube. Just that one.

Why? Because Channel 5 knows that there are many people like me who want to know what the hell happened to Peh and can’t be bothered to go to XinMSN where you can stream all the recent episodes for free.

The good thing about YouTube is that with a click of the mouse, you can easily forgo the 45 minutes of American-accented melodrama and skip to the American-accented melodrama at the end where Peh’s character explains why she’s abandoning ship.

The scene starts with Kang as lawyer Jacob Fernandez walking in on Peh packing her stuff and, speaking for all the viewers, he asks her: “So you’re really leaving?”

And she replies: “No, Mr Fernandez, I just really like putting files in boxes.”

LOL! Someone should cast Peh in the next Ghostbusters movie.

Then she added: “Actually, Sanjay would like to call it an indefinite leave of absence.”

I assume Sanjay is their boss at the law firm. Like I said, I don’t watch the show.

So they didn’t kill her off. Peh’s character is going on “an indefinite leave of absence”.

Does that mean she may return?

For the answer to that, I turned to the source for all my Joanne Peh-related information, the Instagram of Jollity Club, “the one and only official Singapore-based fanclub for Joanne Peh”.

The club posted on Jan 28: “Please note that Joanne will not be making an appearance in future episodes of Code of Law 3.”

Oh. So she’s really gone – at least for the season.

I wonder what could’ve caused Peh’s sudden departure from the show.

Perhaps it’s because of her role in the upcoming movie, 1965? Who knows?

I can’t think of anything else? Can you?

Anyhoo, moving on.

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What do you mean Joanne Peh is pregnant?

Didn’t she just marry Qi Yuwu?

They announced her pregnancy last week?

Whoa. That’s big news.

Am I the only person in the whole world who doesn’t know?

This is what happens when I don’t check the Jollity Club Instagram for a couple of days.

Why didn’t you tell me earlier instead of letting me go on and on like a fool about Code Of Law? Who cares about freaking Code Of Law?!

Now I feel so stupid.

Does Bobby Tonelli know?

Do reporters still go to him for quotes every time something happens to Peh?

Once Joanne Peh’s boyfriend, always Joanne Peh’s ex-boyfriend.

When she married Qi last September after breaking up with Tonelli, it was as if to prove how wrong I was to suggest in an earlier column that her relationship with Qi wasn’t real.

I admitted I was wrong in another column and pleaded for them to stop rubbing it in my face.

And here they are, rubbing it in my face again.

I wish I could go on an indefinite leave of absence from them – and all celebrity pregnancies.

Didn’t we just go through one last year with Fann Wong?

Wong was 43 when she had her first child. Peh is only 31.

What’s the rush, girl? Does she want the SG50 Baby Jubilee Gift so badly?

And the kid will be born in the year of the goat. That’s baaaaaa-d.

What about Code Of Law? Will she be back from her “indefinite leave of absence” after giving birth?

Or will she star in a new local rip-off of Modern Family instead?

You know, since she would have a little family of her own then and her husband is rumoured to be gay. You can’t get any more “modern” than that.

I hope Channel 5 will upload the new show on YouTube.

Otherwise, I’ll never see it.

- Published in The New Paper, 1 February 2015


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