Still hazy after all these years: Where's our 11 months of 'nice air', Indonesia?

Hello, haze, my old frenemy. I’ve come to talk with you again.

Is it really you or just smoke from the Hungry Ghost Festival?

No, it’s you. You have a distinct odour.

Can I get you a drink?

How about that popular Taiwanese milk tea, Chun Cui He?

No, wait, it has been recalled.

The Straits Times reported that the product could be available in Singapore again after more than a year.You could come and visit us again then.

On second thought, don’t.

No offence.

As you may or may not have noticed, people aren’t very happy to see you.

Actually, it’s more like because of you, people can’t see very much of anything.

And you do stink up the place. Again, no offence. Maybe you can try a new deodorant or breath mints or something.

It’s not a good sign when we can smell you before we can see you.

And you look, uh, as hazy as usual.

How long has it been?

The last time the PSI was in the unhealthy range was October last year. It’s August now. So that makes it 10 months.

Hey, I thought the Indonesian vice-president said we get 11 months.

Mr Jusuf Kalla said last year, referring to the neighbouring countries’ complaints about you:

“For 11 months, they enjoyed nice air from Indonesia and they never thanked us.”

So he owes us one month.

Now I regret going to the website at thankyouindoforthecleanair.com to thank Indonesia for “11 months of clean air”.

But since you’re here, that gives a chance to catch up.

How long have we known each other now? How many years?

Let me read you something:

“The haze over Singapore worsened last night after a comparatively sunny day. By 9pm, practically every part of Singapore was fog bound. Even in brightly-lit streets like Orchard Road and Nicoll Highway, motorists had to drive with full headlights on…

“The meteorological station at Paya Lebar airport reported that visibility was good in the afternoon but deteriorated to poor at about 10pm. Flight movements, however, were normal. A pilot who brought in an aircraft at 11pm reported: ‘There is haze at 3,000 ft, but visibility is still good.’”

That’s from a Straits Times article. Guess when it was published.

I’ll give you a clue.

My favourite song that year was Me And Julio Down By The Schoolyard by Paul Simon, who once wrote a song called A Hazy Shade Of Winter.

Was it about you?



Even though the article could have been written today (well, maybe except for the Paya Lebar airport part), it actually came out on Oct 14, 1972.



More than four decades ago.

My god. How young were we back then?

We had never even heard of PSI.

Or Gangnam Style.

The only mask I wore was when I played Zorro.



We didn’t even celebrate Halloween back then. We were so backward.

But Singapore has come a long way since 1972.

We now have an airport at Changi. We have even won a gold medal at the Olympics.

If you had shown up two weeks earlier, you could have caught Joseph Schooling’s victory parade.



On second thought, it’s a good thing you didn’t.

We have already given him a deferment for his national service so that he can win more medals for us. We don’t want you making him sick.

But for all the advancements Singapore has made in those 44 years, we still can’t get rid of you for good — and by the looks of it, probably never will.

Again, no offence.

Hey, we used to think we would never win an Olympic gold medal too.

So we can still dream.

And if we ever do see the last of you, there would be a parade surpassing even the one for Schooling. We would even put Mr Kalla on the open-top bus.



So don’t say we never thank Indonesia.

But alas, I probably will see you again next year.

It just better not be in less than 11 months.

No offence.

- Published in The New Paper, 28 August 2016

Celebrating Joseph Schooling: Victory parade accidents, leftover fried carrot cake & free McNuggets

And this is why we can’t have nice things.

When it was announced last week that a victory parade for Singapore’s first Olympic gold medalist Joseph Schooling would be held, some were quick to criticise the move as insensitive to Singaporeans who were still competing in Rio.

As someone commented online:

“Why don’t they wait for all the Singaporean Olympic athletes to return then do it together? They did not put in any less effort to compete for Singapore.

“Oops, I forgot we are a society that focuses on meritocracy. No medal or glory, no talk.”

But did many care? Not the thousands who thronged the parade route and pit stops such that crowd control became a problem.



A parent at the Marine Terrace market pit stop recounted:

“My kids and I were there and we left angrily. There were many kids standing at the front and the adults were the ones pushing everyone.

“Luckily, I held on to my kids. If not, you would see many kids and people being stepped over!”

And you thought the Pokemon Go crowds were crazy.

Even Schooling couldn’t manage more than a mouthful of his beloved fried carrot cake because of the mob.



So much left over! It would have been a waste to just throw the food away. Did anyone eat it and maybe have a taste of his DNA?

As for the parade itself, which had Schooling on an open-top double-decker bus, it caused two road accidents and Schooling confessed to being responsible for one of them.

The 21-year-old swimmer told Mothership.sg:

“So I was eating a pear in the bus downstairs. I was trying to make funny faces at this lady with her two kids through the glass and they’re freaking out. They’re like ‘oh my god!’

“So this lady tries to get her kids to wave at me and she has her steering wheel turned towards the bus. So when the bus starts moving, she gasses it and her car goes straight into our bus and rams — T-bones our bus.

“And I was like ‘oh my god!’ That just happened. I just caused an accident.”

(For those unfamiliar with the University of Texas student’s Americanisms, “gassing it” means stepping on the accelerator and “T-bone” in this case doesn’t mean the steak but a vehicle colliding with another at a right angle.)



Someone even questioned the wisdom of putting Schooling on top of an open-top bus in the first place:

“The weather is so hot lately. Are you guys trying to ‘barbecue’ him?”

Well, he does look pretty tasty.

And on top of all that, some were unhappy that the parade was on a Thursday:

“So kiasu… want public to support but conduct it on week day. Why no authority to ask companies to give half-day leave to line the street to support a historical event. Really shameful!”

And this is why we can’t have nice things like a victory parade.



When on Monday, Parliament “moved a motion” to congratulate Schooling, it also had the chance to move a motion to declare Thursday (or any other day) a public holiday to honour him even more.

But it passed the Administration of Justice (Protection) Bill instead.

Safe to say, more people would have preferred a Let’s Have A National Holiday Because We Just Won Our First Olympic Gold Medal Bill.

There wouldn’t be a seven-hour debate over that.

Minister for Social and Family Development Tan Chuan-Jin probably spoiled the market by suggesting a National Schooling Day where “everyone will have to go to school” because he couldn’t resist the pun.

And this is why we can’t have nice things like an extra public holiday.



We can only envy Fiji, which did declare a public holiday after winning its first Olympic medal by beating Great Britain in the rugby sevens final to get the gold.

That is, if we can find Fiji on the map.

But even though we didn’t get a holiday, McDonald’s offered six free chicken McNuggets to the first 50 customers at all its outlets (excluding iFly, Resorts World Sentosa, Lido, Gardens by The Bay and institutional stores) on Monday from 11am.



Why free McNuggets, you ask, and not, say, a free Fillet-O-Fish? Since, you know, Schooling swims like a fish.

According to McDonald’s, it was “to celebrate our hero and golden boy Joseph Schooling, on winning his own golden nugget at Rio”.

So now you know why athletes bite their medals when they pose for photographs.

Ummm… because the medals resemble chicken nuggets?



They should start giving out curry sauce with those McMedals.

Trouble is, McDonald’s and other companies promoting themselves while congratulating Schooling are not allowed to do this.

The Singapore National Olympic Council told The New Paper:

“While we celebrate Joseph’s victory, we must also stand guided by the rules and guidelines protecting the assets and marks of the Games.

“Henceforth, we would like to advise commercial entities to comply with these rules and not infringe or exploit the assets for commercial purposes.”

And this is why we can’t have nice things like free McNuggets.



Perhaps everyone took Schooling a little too literally when he said to the crowd welcoming him home at Changi Airport last Monday: “This is not for me. It is for all of you.”

Too bad the International Olympic Council isn’t as generous.

But on his part, Schooling has been true to his word, sharing the greatest moment of his life with all Singaporeans on the victory parade and elsewhere last week with a ready and winning smile.

And that’s a nice thing we do have.

— Published in The New Paper, 21 August 2016

EARLIER: Ode to 5039: I wasn't as fast as Joseph Schooling to buy 4D

Ode to 5039: Why I wasn't as fast as Joseph Schooling to buy 4D

Speed
That’s what you need
To beat the rest
And be the best
To get the gold
Before you get too old
And speed is what I lack
That’s why I’m always behind the pack
I wanted to buy the 4D number 5039
But it was sold out
Now all I can do is pout

Fifty point three nine
Was the history-making time
Joseph Schooling clocked in the 100m butterfly
Leaving the runners-up in a three-way tie
Even Michael Phelps who has the most gold
Couldn’t beat the 21-year-old

August 13, 2016

Just as Phelps wasn’t fast enough in the pool
I wasn’t speedy enough to get to Singapore Pools
Before it was too late
Condemning me to my fate
You know why I was so slow?
Because I was playing Pokemon Go
Why did I stop for the stupid Zubat?
I already have too many of that
The need to catch them all
Led to my downfall
And that’s why the game is evil
And should be made illegal

The gold medal Schooling won
Was better than finding a rare Pokemon

Oh, how the Lion City roared
Watching him top the leaderboard
We would’ve been aghast
If it were a delayed telecast



Even President Tony Tan was there in Rio
I hope he doesn’t get bitten by a mosquito
At least the pool wasn’t green
If I dive in, will I get gangrene?



I wiped the tears from my eyes
When I saw the Singapore flag rise
And heard our National Anthem
As Schooling stood on the podium
Majulah Singapura
It can still move us from afar
Does he remember the words?
If he doesn’t, it would be awkward

August 13, 2016

Detractors say Schooling is ang moh
His father says no
His son is Eurasian
100 per cent Singaporean
But his mother is Malaysian
Doesn’t that make him 50 per cent Malaysian?



For all Schooling has done, an online poll queries:
Should he be exempted from national service?
My answer is negative
NS should not be treated as punitive
To waive as reward for those you think deserving
Is a slap to those who have served and are serving



But do I think a public holiday should be declared?
Yes, that would really make me glad
Any weekday would be okay
Even though we just had National Day
If Fiji can do it, why not us, I say
Anything to get out of work and hit the hay
Is that too much to ask for?
We have never won gold in the Olympics before



For his 50.39-second feat
Schooling is in for a treat
He will get a million bucks
Meanwhile my life still sucks
I can’t even buy 4D
How hopeless can I be?
One thing I wish I knew
Does he play Pokemon Go too?

- Published in The New Paper, 14 August 2016



UPDATE: Celebrating Joseph Schooling: Victory parade accidents, leftover fried carrot cake and free McNuggets

Feeling old & inadequate because of Joseph Schooling, pull-up guy & our first woman general

I celebrated my 49th birthday this month.

“Celebrated” is perhaps the wrong word. It was more like a wake for my lost youth.

As if to rub it in, national swimmer Joseph Schooling’s birthday is on the same day as mine.



He celebrated his by donating $10,000 to charity. I “celebrated” mine by drowning my sorrows in Korean fried chicken wings at Chir Chir Fusion Chicken Factory in 313 Somerset.

Apart from sharing June 16 as our birthday, Schooling and I have little in common.

He has six-pack abs. I eat a lot of Korean fried chicken.

Days before turning 20, Schooling won nine gold medals in the SEA Games.

Last year, I received the finisher medal for completing the Hello Kitty Run on Sentosa.

At least I can brag that my medal is shaped like Hello Kitty whereas Schooling can’t say the same about his boringly round SEA Games medals.



At 20, my greatest achievement was getting a trophy for being on the team that won a tug-of-war competition when I was in polytechnic.

When I was 20, Madonna was singing Papa Don’t Preach.

Today, Madonna has to remind people who she is by singing Bitch I’m Madonna. It’s time someone told her, “Mama, don’t bitch.”





But Schooling isn’t the only one who has made me feel inadequate and that I’ve wasted my life.

At 25, National University of Singapore undergrad Yeo Kim Yeong got into the Guinness World Records by doing 44 pull-ups in a minute.

Sure, it can’t compare with Schooling’s nine gold medals, but at least Mr Yeo didn’t defer his national service (NS) to accomplish his feat.



But why only 44 pull-ups? Would it have killed him to do six more for SG50?

Remember those two guys who ran 50km every day for 50 days for SG50?

Did they stop after running 44km on the 44th day and say, “That’s it. I’m done”?

Not that I could even do 44 pull-ups myself.

When I was 25, I went AWOL in the canteen during my NS, which I mentioned in last week’s column.

Speaking of the Singapore Armed Forces (SAF), a woman also made me feel emasculated in my birthday month.

At 40, Colonel Gan Siow Huang has broken the camouflaged ceiling by becoming the first woman in the SAF to be promoted to Brigadier-General last week. She will assume her rank on Jul 1.

And I’m still a corporal. Maybe it has something to do with me going AWOL in the canteen when I was 25.

Wait, isn’t SAF celebrating its 50th anniversary this year?

So it took the organisation half a century to give a woman a star on her epaulette?

How come the Association of Women for Action and Research (Aware) didn’t complain about this during those five decades? Was Aware unaware?

Is it because soon-to-be BG Gan couldn’t do 44 pull-ups in a minute?

Pull-ups aren’t even part of the Individual Physical Proficiency Test (IPPT) any more.

At 40, I didn’t get a promotion but received a Hamilton watch instead from the SAF and was told to go away.

A photo posted by SM Ong (@sm_ong) on Oct 9, 2014 at 12:18pm PDT

I was finally done with NS.

Although I’m relieved to no longer have to pass my IPPT, looking back, I sometimes miss those days because they represent a bygone era before I became middle-aged and ate too many Korean fried chicken wings.

But you know what really made me feel old?

After breaking the national 50m freestyle record during the SEA Games, Schooling was quoted as saying: “It’s a huge relief to break Uncle Peng Siong’s record.”

Huh? Who is “Uncle Peng Siong”?

You mean Ang Peng Siong?

Since when did Ang Peng Siong become “Uncle Peng Siong”?

I remember when Ang set the record 33 years ago, he was Schooling’s age.

Ang was the guy every Singaporean guy wanted to be and every Singaporean girl wanted to meet.

He was the guy with the abs then. Now he’s “Uncle Peng Siong”?



Did he eat too many Korean fried chicken wings too?

Ang will be 53 on Oct 27.

Uh... happy birthday?

As for me, all I have to look forward to now is the big Hawaii Five-O next year.

If only I was born a year earlier, I could be celebrating my 50th birthday this year along with SG50. I couldn’t even get that right.

I blame my parents.

But as I embark on the final year of my 40s, I’ve come to terms with all of that.

Just don’t call me “uncle”.

- Published in The New Paper, 28 June 2015



EARLIER: Am I the 'sex pervert uncle' of Choa Chu Kang?

Joseph Schooling, Roy and Hui Hui: Maybe we need a Manual Of Obedience

Not quite The Anarchist Cookbook.

There’s something oxymoronic about a Manual Of Disobedience.

It’s like “Hey, you want to be disobedient? Fine. But you have to obey this manual about how to be disobedient.”

Before violence broke out on Friday, this manual was attributed as the reason the Occupy Central With Love and Peace (OCLP) demonstrators in Hong Kong are the “world’s politest protesters”.

Courtesy is apparently their way of life.

Who needs Singa the Courtesy Lion when they have the Manual Of Disobedience?

They reportedly picked up the litter after a hard day's night of being tear-gassed by the police, even making the effort to recycle.



Singaporeans reading this must be asking, “Really?”

Sure, the fine for littering in Hong Kong is HK$1,500 (S$250), but it’s not like they have the Corrective Work Order.

Are they just trying to make us look bad?

For all our “clean and orderly” reputation, Singaporeans can’t even clear our own trays after we eat.

Maybe we need a Manual Of Obedience.

And Joseph Schooling should be forced to memorise it.

The 19-year-old Asian Games medal-winning swimmer got into a little trouble for allegedly returning to the Athletes’ Village in Incheon, South Korea, very late and intoxicated with two other swimmers last month.



Who knows exactly what happened? No video has surfaced. They could be out heckling special-needs children.

Hypothetical question: If Schooling had participated in the “Singapore in Solidarity with HK event” at the Speakers’ Corner at Hong Lim Park on Wednesday night, would he have been investigated by the police?

You know, since “only Singapore citizens and permanent residents are allowed to participate in demonstrations held at the Speakers’ Corner”.

And enough people say Schooling is a foreigner that his father felt compelled to make a video to deny it.



The Manual Of Obedience should include this instruction just for the swimmer: “Do not be a Eurasian and speak with an American accent or some Singaporeans are going to call you a foreigner.”

If only he threw in a few “lahs” and “lehs” at the end of his sentences, he wouldn’t have this problem.



Or he could protest at Speakers’ Corner about being called a foreigner since he’s allowed to do so since he’s not a foreigner to prove that he’s not a foreigner.

In which case, the OCLP’s Manual Of Disobedience can provide some helpful advice.

It contains such instructions for protesters as “demonstrate virtues of higher standard than those of the suppressors, so as to gain the support of the society”.

And “display a peaceful and rational attitude with dignity”.

And “avoid wearing contact lens”.

Seriously.

That’s a good tip. If you think getting tear-gassed is bad, getting tear-gassed with contact lenses on is much worse.



Unfortunately, the Manual Of Disobedience doesn’t say anything about not heckling special-needs children.

Actually, the advice for protesters should be: Do not appear to be heckling special-needs children even though you’re not.

On further consideration, the advice should be: Just stay away from special-needs kids.

The Return Our CPF protesters at Hong Lim Park last weekend learnt that lesson a little too late - that is, if they even acknowledge it.

Despite all the videos that emerged showing what really happened on Sept 27, there is still debate over what really happened that day in the park. It’s like Rashomon at 360p or better.

The only thing the videos confirm is that a lot of video was shot at the event.

But the video that was widely shared online early on was one entitled “Hong Lim Park protesters heckle special-needs children from YMCA”.



And thus Hecklegate was born.

Poor YMCA. Where are the Village People when you need them?

One wonders if it’s still fun to stay at the Y.



So did the protesters really heckle the kids?

Remember the photo of the woman defecating outside Holland Village MRT station that went viral recently?

No one heckled her in person, but many immediately assumed she was a Chinese national. It didn’t matter that she was later identified as a “Singaporean with a long history of schizophrenia and intellectual disability”. That first impression stuck.

Likewise, it no longer matters whether the protesters actually heckled the children on stage. They’re now stuck with always having to deny that they did.

Hey, at least they weren’t tear-gassed.

Both the Return Our Protest protest leaders, Mr Roy Ngerng and Miss Han Hui Hui, were wearing glasses. Good. That means they weren’t wearing contacts.



So perhaps they did read the Manual Of Disobedience.

Too bad they skipped the part about displaying a peaceful and rational attitude with dignity.

But there’s no need to feel down.

Pick yourself off the ground.

There’s a place you can go where you will find many ways to have a good time.

But you better hurry because The Butter Factory will be closing for good in March next year.



Maybe you’ll see Joseph Schooling there.

- Published in The New Paper, 5 October 2014

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