ITE College West canteen needs support, so I ordered the cheese balls (among other things)

The Internet is not all bad.

Yes, even Facebook. (Or whatever it’s changing its name to)

Two weeks ago, someone named Wendy Choo posted an appeal in Facebook group Hawkers United - Dabao 2020.

It read:

“For ppl who are staying/ working near to CCK ITE West College ...

“U can visit the canteen located in the school.

“Business had been badly affected as students are mainly having HBL (home-based learning).

“They served a variety of food. Stall owners are barely making to cover the rental...

“Do help to support them if you are around that area.”

The post went viral, having been shared over 4,000 times and was reported by AsiaOne, Mothership.sg, Mustsharenews.com and SethLui.com.



I first saw the post in the Friends Of Yew Tee Facebook group.

I am in the Friends of Yew Tee Facebook group because, well, I live in Yew Tee, which is near enough to the ITE College West campus that I feel I should try to help out by grabbing a meal there even though it is a bit out of the way.

If you don’t drive, you can get there by taking the train to Teck Whye LRT station. That is two MRT and three LRT stations away from my place.

I decided to make the trip last Friday afternoon with my wife.

At the ITE campus SafeEntry check-in point, I asked the security guard where the canteen was. He told me to turn right and there it was.



At the canteen entrance, there was a big sign that said: “Food court open to public.”

The problem is that the location of the sign is such that not many members of the public can actually see it.

The food court was brightly lit and spacious with tables arranged far apart due to Covid-19 safety measures.



There weren’t many people eating there, but then it was almost 2pm, a little after lunchtime. I saw a few students in uniform and diners who didn’t look like students.

Of the 18 food stalls, only 10 were open. The vegetarian food stall seemed open, but the guy behind it gave me the international hand gesture for “no more food”.

I was intrigued by a stall called Australian Delights, but it looked like it had closed down for good. Did it sell BBQ kangaroo fillet or something?

So I ordered a $2 roti john from the Malay Cuisine stall, but when I found out it contained sardines, my wife didn’t allow me to eat it because of my gout. She ate it instead.

In the end, I had the spaghetti alfredo with grilled fish (not sardine) from the pasta stall. It was only $4, but I added two fried cheese balls for another $1.50 because, you know, I wanted to support the place.



I regretted the balls. It was all a bit too rich for my blood. I was feeling kind of bloated afterwards.

Including a $1.20 iced Milo and a $1 iced tea-O (no straws) for my wife and me, I spent less than $10 on lunch for both of us.

I felt like a hero, having done my good deed for the day.

Then I went home and found out that some local YouTuber named Zermatt Neo had posted a video about spending over $50 buying items from every stall in the ITE College West food court, including the roti john, pasta, fried rice, chicken rice, hot plate, fishball noodles and waffles.

The waffle stall was closed when I was there, damn it.



But he didn’t get the cheese balls.

Anyway, this is not a competition. It is not about who spends more money in the food court and is therefore the bigger hero. Am I right?

It is about supporting the stall owners.

The woman who sold me the roti john told me that thanks to the viral post, more people were eating at the food court.

She said that previously, members of the public were “scared” to go there because they didn’t know the food court was open to the public.

Well, I certainly wouldn’t have gone there if not for the viral post. And that over-eating yet inexplicably not overweight YouTuber too.

So the Internet is not just for spreading misinformation about Covid-19 vaccines and alleged sex videos of Night Owl Cinematics co-founder Sylvia Chan.

It can do some good too.

Unlike those cheese balls.

- Published in The New Paper, 25 October 2021

Should you get the McDonald's BTS Meal even if you're not a fan of BTS?

Dear non-BTS fans,

How do you even exist?

How do you live in this world and not be a BTS fan?

I mean, I can understand if you are a non-MBS fan who does not know Marina Bay Sands is not in downtown Chattanooga, Tennessee.

But a non-BTS fan? That’s like the law of physics in a Fast And Furious movie – you’re non-existent. #JusticeforHan

However, for the sake of discussion, let’s say you do exist and the BTS Army hasn’t hunted you down like the dog that you are yet.

Let’s say you can’t tell Jungkook from Joo Koon MRT station.

Let’s say you think Dynamite and Butter are the same song. Break it down!



Let’s say up is down, orange is black and Robinsons is back – whatever.

Even if you don’t stan the only Korean act to ever top the US Billboard Hot 100 singles chart – three times! – you must have heard that McDonald’s belatedly launched its much-hyped BTS Meal in Singapore last Monday, delayed by some deadly virus that has been going around.



At long last, Singaporeans get to experience what is basically an upsized nine-piece McNugget meal but with two “special” dipping sauces, namely Cajun and Sweet Chilli, allegedly picked by the boyband themselves and inspired by McDonald’s South Korea.

Surprisingly, no butter. A missed cross-promo opportunity? No sticks of dynamite either.

So how special are the “special” sauces?



Let me put it this way. The Cajun sauce isn’t going to transport you to the Mardi Gras in New Orleans. It’s just honey mustard.

The Sweet Chilli, on the other hand, takes me back to my childhood because that was when I used to put Sinsin chilli sauce on everything.

But if you’re ordering the BTS Meal for the food, you’re missing the point.

Remember those bad old days when we used to queue at McDonald’s for the Hello Kitty toys like how people are now queuing for durian and Sinovac? We got our priorities right back then.

The food was just the necessary evil that came with the mouthless cat.

For the BTS Meal, it’s all about the special BTS Meal packaging.



And McDonald’s knows this as it tells you upfront on its app and website: “BTS-branded brown bag is not available in Singapore.”

What you do get is a BTS-branded McNuggets box, a very large BTS-branded cup and I suppose the little tubs for the sauces.

There are hundreds of listings for these items on Carousell. I don’t know how many people are actually buying them though.

At least one person is selling a McNugget that the seller claims is shaped like BTS member Jungkook. Or an MRT station if you can’t tell the difference.

Not to be confused with the McNugget from a BTS Meal that resembled a character from the online game Among Us and was apparently sold for US$99,997 (S$134,000) on US eBay.



It seems that people would do anything rather than eat the McNugget.

One Singaporean managed to craft a pair of shoes out of the packaging from six BTS Meals. That’s quite a feet.



What amazes me is that for all this, the BTS Meal itself is priced at $8.90, just 40 cents more than the non-BTS upsized nine-piece McNugget meal.

The only caveat is that the BTS Meal is only available for delivery to avoid a repeat of the krazy Hello Kitty kueues of yore.

That means a delivery charge of $4 if you use McDelivery or you can use another food delivery service.

As it has been a week since the launch, the hype has died down a bit and ordering online should be easier now.



So even if you’re not a BTS fan, why not?

You may be able to recoup some of your cost by selling the used packaging on Carousell to someone to make footwear with.

The way I see it, you have two options.

It’s either the BTS Meal or the unholy crime-against-nature mutant abomination that is the KFC Cheesy Zinger Triple Down.



And that has even less right to exist than you do.

Break it down!

- Published in The New Paper, 28 June 2021

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Shoeman Ong (@sm_ong)

Hey, NEA, how do we return our trays when we’re not even allowed to eat out now?

Dear National Environment Agency,

It was one of the most humiliating experiences in my life.

And I wrote Phua Chu Kang The Movie, so I am very familiar with public humiliation.

I was having lunch at a staff cafeteria that I had never been to before.

This was a number of years ago, so I don’t recall exactly where it was and why I was there even though I wasn't a member of the staff.

What I do remember is after finishing my meal, as I started to walk away from my table, I was startled when the cafeteria suddenly erupted with angry shouting.

It was alarming how quickly the previously civilised office workers calmly eating their food just a second ago turned unhinged and rabid.

What was even scarier was realising that their feral rage was directed at me. It was as if I asked them a question about editorial independence or something. They looked like they were about to rip me to shreds.

What did I do?

Eventually, I figured out from the angry shouting that my fellow diners were taking rather extreme umbrage at me leaving behind my tray of dirty dishes on the table.

I looked around and saw signs reminding people to return their trays, which I hadn’t noticed before. I felt like such an idiot.

I swiftly picked up my tray and searched for where I could return it.

The shouting finally died down and my fellow diners let me live.

How was I to know that returning trays was part of the workplace culture there?

Talk about peer pressure. I wonder how many noobs were similarly traumatised into compliance like I was.

Yes, there were signs, but in most places where I have eaten, the signs are ignored and no one cares.

Whatcha gonna do?



And that’s probably why you announced last Friday that you are making it mandatory for diners in hawker centres to return their trays and clear their table litter from June 1 with the threat of fines up to $2,000 for repeat offenders.

Wait, but on Friday, it was also announced that from yesterday, dining out is banned until June 13 because of the surge of Covid-19 cases in the community.



So as much as we would love to return our trays and clean our table litter after we eat in the hawker centre from June 1, unfortunately, we won’t even be allowed to eat in any hawker centre from June 1 to 13.

This throwback to tighter Covid-19 restrictions must have caught you by surprise. Like Bennifer, it’s a sequel or reboot no one asked for.



I get it. The Government is a huge place. Sometimes the left hand doesn’t know what the right hand is doing. This just slipped through the butt crack. It happens.

All I’m asking you for is this.

You announced that there will be a grace period of three months from June 1 for people to adjust to this new return-your-tray rule. You will start enforcement only from Sept 1.



But since we will only be permitted to start eating in hawker centres again from June 14 (fingers crossed), can you also start enforcement from Sept 14 so that we get the full three months of the grace period?

Thanks. We need all the time that we can get to adjust to this new new normal.

Don’t you wish Miss Universe Singapore had “Return your tray” written on her national costume instead of “Stop Asian hate”?



Did you try to get Phua Chu Kang to do a “Don't play play, return your tray” video? I guess he’s too busy promoting Shopee and Covid vaccination these days. Did I mention I wrote Phua Chu Kang The Movie?



Anyway, it’s really too bad you have to resort to fines to force people to return their trays.

If only angry shouting could work nationwide.

Or can it?

- Published in The New Paper, 17 May 2021


JUNE 2021 UPDATE:

No April Fool's joke: After 3 years, Burger King finally makes Chocolate Whopper a reality

No one likes to be played for a fool.

Yet, it remains an annual tradition that otherwise veracious people and organisations would lie in the name of April Fool’s.

And it is your own fault for being dumb enough to fall victim to a joke.

It is probably the only time of year when victim-blaming is acceptable and practically a sport. It is all fun and games until it happens to you.

You think you are too smart to be fooled? Me too.

Beware the end of March as the first of April is nigh.

So I started questioning everything I read and even reality itself.

A giant ship blocked the Suez Canal, disrupting 12 per cent of world trade?

Yeah, sure. Was the Easter Bunny on board too?

But a giant ship did block the canal for six days and someone should search the decks for a bow-tied hare with a basket of chocolate eggs.



Speaking of sweet treats, when Durex announced three new condom flavours called Mao Shan Wang, Singapore Chendol and Botak Coconut Sherbet, I knew immediately it was a lie.

Come on, it was so obvious. You put a condom on your penis during sex to prevent pregnancy or disease transmission.

You do not eat it. Why would it come in different flavours?

I was proven right when Durex confirmed that it was a “prank” on April Fool’s Day and said that the three aforementioned flavours were actually the new flavours of Udders ice cream.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Durex Singapore (@durexsingapore)

I thought that was another joke, but Durex added the hashtag #NotAJoke.

Why would Udders partner with Durex to promote its new flavours?

Now when I think of Udders ice cream, I imagine it tastes like rubber.

I have a question for you – which would you prefer, rubbery ice cream or a chocolate burger?

The rubbery ice cream is hypothetical, but the chocolate burger is not.

At first, I assumed it was another April Fool’s joke when last week, Burger King launched its Chocolate Whopper, described as a “beef patty topped with fresh juicy tomatoes and onion, dressed with a layer of rich chocolate sauce swirly richness and cushioned between the King’s signature sesame drench buns”.

After all, the restaurant chain had teased the Chocolate Whopper exactly three years ago, but that turned out to be a hoax, cheating my feelings.



Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I must really want the Chocolate Whopper.

So it shook me to learn that like Pizza Hut’s alleged-crime-against-nature Bubble Tea Blossom Pizza, the Chocolate Whopper is for real.

It seems the joke this time is that it’s not a joke. Well played, Burger King, well played.

We ain’t joking this time! Get your hands on the King’s new sweet and savoury treats this April Fool’s. Available until 15 April.

Posted by Burger King Singapore on Thursday, April 1, 2021

Like a diabetic moth to a sugary flame, I was drawn to the brown abomination.

Surprisingly, the Chocolate Whopper is not as disgusting as it may look and sound. My only complaint is that I could have used more chocolate sauce and less onion. Those two ingredients kind of clashed.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by SM Ong (@sm_ong)

To complete the meal, BK is also offering nuggets with chocolate sauce for dipping plus fries in a chocolate sundae for, ummm... dessert?

All that chocolate! And just in time for Easter too.

Shiok!

Which, by the way, is now officially part of the German language.

Last Thursday, German Ambassador to Singapore Norbert Riedel tweeted: “Shiok, the #Singlish word to express a delightful experience such as eating delicious food, has made it into the Duden, the official dictionary of the German language.”

+++ Breaking news +++ ‚Shiok', the #Singlish word to express a delightful experience such as eating delicious food has made it into the ‚Duden', the official dictionary of the German language.😉(tb) @Dudenverlag @gweezilla @Vossstrasse17 pic.twitter.com/gBkCaN366e

— Ambassador Norbert Riedel (@GermanyinSGP) April 1, 2021

The German embassy even posted a video online showing supposed German individuals saying “shiok” while eating.

So not only has Singlish been recognised by Oxford dictionary, but also... wait a minute.

What was last Thursday’s date?

Dammit!

Et tu, Germany?

- Published in The New Paper, 5 April 2021


EARLIER: April drool: Flame-grilled Chocolate Whopper is mouth-watering fake news

Sugar level 100%: Is Pizza Hut's new Bubble Tea Blossom pizza as disgusting as it sounds?

Covid, Covid, Covid.

That’s all we seem to hear about nowadays.

Remember the good old days when the biggest threat to our health was sugar?



It was public enemy No. 1 when Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong dedicated one third of his 2017 National Day Rally speech to diabetes. He wore a purple shirt that day.

Sugar was such a hot topic that Maroon 5 wrote a song about it.



But why no song about the coronavirus, Adam Levine? Why?

Sugar didn’t prompt a $11 billion Resilient Package in this year’s Budget announced last week. Covid-19 did.



But the sucrose menace remains among us. We’re just not practising safe distancing to avoid it.

Perhaps because of the coronavirus pandemic and the stress it’s causing us, we’re even turning more to the sweet comfort of evil sugar for succour. High glycemic index be damned.

Or at least that’s my justification for trying Pizza Hut’s new Bubble Tea Blossom pizza.

Yes, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

The pandemic made me do it. Blame the coronavirus. It’s Covid-19’s fault I’m eating the latest Frankenstein food creation from Pizza Hut.

The concept is simple. People like bubble tea. People like pizza. Why not put them together?

That was also how we ended up with durian and mala pizza. That is, durian pizza and mala pizza separately, not durian and mala together on a pizza, although that sounds much more interesting. Disgusting! I mean, disgusting.





But the bubble tea pizza is definitely not disgusting even though it may sound like it.

It’s “drizzled with Brown Sugar Milk Tea Sauce, topped with chewy marshmallows and fresh boba pearls, spread atop a bed of mouthwatering cheese”, touted Pizza Hut.



One Facebook commenter wrote: “Not only is this a stupid combination but it is a simple disgrace to all pizza.”

Another typed: “This is worse than pineapples.”

My favourite comment: “Halo polis.”

What I suspect is that these commenters hadn’t actually tasted the bubble tea pizza. They were just reacting reflexively to the unholy union of bubble tea and pizza.

But people who did try it weren’t sweet on the saccharine concoction either.

The AsiaOne reviewer said: “The pizza did have a pleasant aroma, but was a tad too sugary for their liking, clashing with the savoury cheese base.”

Bubble tea = 👍 Pizza = 👍 Bubble tea pizza? 🤔

Posted by AsiaOne on Wednesday, February 17, 2021

You see, unlike bubble tea, you can’t customise the sugar level of the bubble tea pizza. So it’s always 100 per cent whether you want it or not.

The 8 Days reviewer said: “The pizza tastes a tad like someone accidentally spilled a cup of brown sugar pearl milk tea on it.”

I’m not sure whether that's a good thing or bad thing.

Mothership.sg said: “Bad enough that you should try it.”

That sounds like an endorsement to me.

Aiyo. ➡️ Get stories delivered to you on Telegram: https://t.me/mothershipsg

Posted by Mothership.sg on Wednesday, February 17, 2021

So I fired up my Pizza Hut app and ordered a large Bubble Tea Blossom stuffed crust pizza.

But when my pizza was arrived, the marshmallows were missing.



I was about to write a complaint to Pizza Hut, but the delivery person returned minutes later with marshmallows in a small plastic container. Crisis averted.

Despite a Facebook comment that the Boba Blossom “looks like some rabbits had diarrhea on the pizza”, I didn’t think the pizza looked like animals had defecated on it, mostly because I'm not sure what that would look like.

While the marshmallows provided some colour, there weren’t enough of them to add to the taste or mouthfeel. The boba pearls did, but the brown sugar sauce sort of overwhelmed everything.

Which I didn’t mind.

I was more disappointed that even though it’s called bubble tea pizza, there was no tea in it.

I mean, you got the bubble, you got the pizza, but where was the tea?

It should be more accurately called brown sugar boba pizza.

I feel misled. I risked type 2 diabetes for this?

Should’ve listened to the Prime Minister.

I blame Covid.

- Published in The New Paper, 22 February 2021

I have to (m)ask: How do you define 'eating or drinking'?

Do you remove your mask as soon as you sit down at a table, or do you stay masked until the food is served?

Posted by The Straits Times on Saturday, October 3, 2020

It was the first time I ate out in months because of the circuit breaker.

Even though I knew better, I reflexively took off my mask after taking my seat in the restaurant.

The hostess immediately rushed over and reminded me rather forcefully that I could take off my mask only after food or a drink had been brought to my table.

I was taken aback and chastened by her fierceness. She must have dealt with idiot customers like me too many times before.

Embarrassed, I apologised and quickly put my mask back on. I felt like a child scolded by my mother and deservingly so.

Looking back now, I might have gotten off easy.

Last week, the Ministry of Sustainability and the Environment revealed in a news release:

“On 25 September 2020, two patrons were fined $300 each for not wearing their masks when talking to each other at an F&B outlet in Orchard at 2.50am, even though they had completed their meal and their table had been cleared.”

What an expensive meal – a total of $600 plus whatever the two actually paid for the meal and this is Orchard we're talking about.

For that amount of money, they could have gone for a three-hour lunch for two in business class on an SIA Airbus A-380 double-decker superjumbo and maybe have enough left over for some pure Mao Shan Wang durian snowskin mooncakes with edible gold dust.

Here's a look at the various offerings for the Singapore Airlines experience.

Posted by The Straits Times on Thursday, October 1, 2020

But what I really want to know is how the two people were caught.

Did a safe distancing ambassador just happen to stroll past the F&B outlet and spot them not wearing masks?

The ambassador must have stood there and watched them long enough to observe that “they had completed their meal and their table had been cleared”.

But exactly how long is that?

As if that isn’t creepy enough, this happened at 2.50am?

There are safe distancing ambassadors working at that time of night?

I mean, if some stranger is standing outside a restaurant and watching me eat at almost three o’clock in the morning, I would be lucky that it’s only a safe distancing ambassador and not some psycho killer stalking me. Qu’est-ce que c’est?



Thanks to the pandemic, eating out is no longer a picnic.

There are rules.



One rule is keep your mask on except when eating or drinking. But how do you define “eating or drinking”?

Remember the hostess fiercely telling me that I could take off my mask once the food or drink arrived and nearly making me cry?

It seems that “eating or drinking” just means having some food or drink in front of you. You don’t have to be actually stuffing your face.

Would those two people have not been fined if their table had not been cleared? Whatever they had left over on their plates could still count as food.

Or would simply having a glass of water in front of them (which they didn’t even have to drink) have saved them $300 each?

I have seen people exploiting this “eating or drinking” loophole when they’re not dining in. They could be walking outside without their masks on simply because they have food or a drink in their hand.

Disney World in the US closed this loophole by updating its policy to allow visitors to eat or drink only when they’re “stationary”.

Disney World Closes Mask Loophole, Bans Eating And Drinking While Walking

Posted by Deadline Hollywood on Sunday, July 19, 2020

I never thought I would say this, but maybe Singapore should follow Disney World.

After all, aren’t we already Disneyland with the death penalty?

I’m not saying we should have a Mickey Mouse government, but the “mask on except when eating or drinking” rule is certainly ambiguous if not a little Goofy.

- Published in The New Paper, 5 October 2020

That’s a fowl: I finally got free Texas Chicken meal by pretending to be a Liverpool fan

Dear Texas Chicken Singapore,

I have a confession to make – I’m not a football fan.

But I’m a fan of free food.

Because I’m a fan of free food, I have pretended to be a football fan – specifically, a Liverpool fan.

It started last June after Liverpool won the Uefa Champions League after 14 years.

For some reason, even though Liverpool is not part of Singapore or vice versa, to celebrate the English football club’s European victory, several eateries in Singapore offered one menu item for free for one day to customers wearing a Liverpool jersey.



Even when our national team won big matches in the past, I don’t recall any restaurant offering free food.

Although that could just be because the last time Singapore won a big match was so long ago that I can’t remember.

What was more baffling was that one of the places offering free food to celebrate Liverpool’s win was Texas Chicken Singapore as Liverpool is nowhere near Texas or Singapore. We’re on three separate continents.



If you had offered a free meal when the Houston Astros won the World Series, sure, that would make sense since Houston is part of Texas, even though no one in Singapore cares about baseball.



But free food is free food and who was I to look at free fried chicken in the beak?

All I needed was a Liverpool jersey. The closest thing I got was a Liverpool T-shirt.

I had bought it together with a Manchester City shirt for $50 for both at Takashimaya for the sole purpose of trolling a colleague, who is a die-hard Reds fan.

Last year, Liverpool and City were in a close race for the English Premier League (EPL) title.

If Liverpool had won, I would wear the Liverpool shirt to annoy him because he knows I’m not really a Reds fan.

If Man City had won, I would wear the City shirt to rub it in.

It was win-win either way for me. The latter came true. Rub, rub.



But Reds fans could console themselves with the Champions League trophy – along with your free two-piece combo offer.

However, by the time my colleague and I reached the Texas Chicken outlet at Nex in our Liverpool apparel (him in an actual jersey), we were told the free combo had sold out.

How was that possible?

Apparently, there was a cap of 100 free combos per outlet, which wasn’t mentioned in the offer. Just “while stocks last”. I felt cheated.



I felt even more cheated a couple of hours later when you announced on Facebook that the 100 combo limit was lifted for the rest of the day.

So I was both too late and too early.

I was so upset that I complained on your Facebook page: “I went all the way to Nex at 6.50pm and was told only the first 100 customers get the free combo. And now you lift the cap. You cheat my feelings twice in one day.”

To my surprise, you actually replied to my comment and asked me to message you back.

A week later, I received a Texas Chicken $10 gift voucher in the mail. Woohoo! I haven’t thanked you for that.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by SM Ong (@sm_ong) on Jun 10, 2019 at 11:54pm PDT

Complaining on Facebook works. Former PAP candidate Ivan Lim knows what I’m talking about.

Then in a moment of weakness, I decided to give the $10 voucher to my colleague because he’s the true Liverpool fan. Also, I wanted to make up for trolling him.

So in the end, I didn’t get my free Texas Chicken meal.

That is, until last Friday.

Liverpool finally won the EPL title after 30 years.

You posted on Facebook: “Don your #LiverpoolFC jersey to any Texas Chicken outlet today – and receive a free 2-piece Chicken Combo meals (U.P. $8.80). Available for dine-in only from 11am till 9pm today or while stocks last.”



This time, I didn’t take any chances and showed up at your Star Vista outlet at 12.10pm in my mask and Liverpool T-shirt.

A guy in a Reds jersey was already in front of me ordering the free combo. Nice to know I wouldn’t be dining alone.

When it was my turn, the cashier saw my shirt and guessed what I wanted. All he asked was “Original or spicy?” and “Drink?”



Best of all, he charged me nothing.



I finally got my free Texas Chicken meal!

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by SM Ong (@sm_ong) on Jun 25, 2020 at 9:30pm PDT

About six other guys in Liverpool tops were in the restaurant with me. I'm not sure if they were all wearing jerseys.



I was happy at first, but now I feel guilty after realising I got the free food under false pretences.

I’m a fraud.

The offer was meant for Liverpool fans and I’m not one. I just got the T-shirt (not even a jersey) – and for a rather nefarious reason.

I apologise to you and all true Reds fans.

There goes my chances of becoming a PAP candidate.

To clear my conscience and help me sleep at night, I would like to belatedly pay you $8.80 for the free spicy two-piece combo I didn’t deserve.

Please let me know how.

You have PayLah?

- Published in The New Paper, 29 June 2020


EARLIER: Getting free food with my Liverpool T-shirt


From readers:

Dear SM Ong,

I read your article in the New Paper dated 29June 2020. You are so honest and funny! The photo is also funny... You look guilty hahaha. I read it laughing so much. Thank you for your honestly and humor... And making my day brighter. Pls write more...

Best regards,
Kat


Hi the new paper and smong journalist

I enjoy reading the new paper but not from today onwards

What is the purpose of The New Paper and any ethics being a journalist ?

As I was reading today article, I was fill with rage 😤, what values are you communicating to your reader? Are you asking us the readers to follow your journalist to wear a PAP t shirt and vote for opposition?! We have enough of fake news and spam in this information era! With deception news like yours, the kids and adults will think is ok to pretend and get a free meal

I am diehard Liverpool fan, the YNWA has encouraged me to complete my cancer treatment. I only have a red t shirt, I understand the meaning t shirt is not a jersey (I haven’t own one because is $100 over dollars which I cannot afford) so I didn’t go for the free combo meal. Your act is annoying to me, worst thing is your Facebook complain, I praying there will be lesser singaporean like you to exist on earth! You paid your price of unable to sleep and guilt, for all you know, the God above may cause a drought of 30yrs for Manchester City, not sure will you live to see it, is really sad to read such an article on a Monday morning!!!

I am saddened an adult matured and responsible can do such an act to create a news to bring values to the next generations that is ok to cheat and have what you want! A Little act will not cause harm and going to jail...

I sincerely hope your editor and CEO of SPH can look into this! If not, I will do like the journalist share in social media to get attention! With power comes responsibility. Those who are in power has responsibilities and make singapore a better place

You all owe an apology especially to Texas Chicken who want to celebrate a happy moment with all the truthful fans but abused by some, who did without consciousness. Very Sad 😔

Thank you
Mary

Why I wasn't among first five guys in line for opening of Five Guys: I blame Khaw Boon Wan

Dear Mr Khaw Boon Wan,

You like burgers?

Five Guys opened its first Singapore outlet in Plaza Singapura last Monday at 11am.

I wanted to be there. No, I had to be there.

I had missed the opening of Shake Shack at Jewel in April, and the queues were still too long even weeks later when I finally made my way there. So I have yet to try the burger at Shake Shack.

Five Guys was supposed to be the next Shake Shack. This time I would not be left out.



Expecting a long queue for the Five Guys opening, I set out from my Yew Tee home at 8.30am.

I might not be the first in line because I wasn’t going to start queueing at 4am, but my hope was that I could be at least among the first five guys. Get it?

Unfortunately, at that exact moment, there was no train service between Kranji and Bukit Gombak “due to a signalling fault”.

[NSL] UPDATE: Due to a signalling fault, there is no train svc btwn #Kranji and #BukitGombak. Free regular bus & free bridging bus svcs btwn #Kranji and #BukitGombak.

— SMRT Corporation (@SMRT_Singapore) December 16, 2019

After so many months with no major delays, why did SMRT have to break its streak on the most important day of my burger-eating life?

Most other commuters were just going to work. But I was on a once-in-an-eternity mission.

At first, I thought I must be the unluckiest man in the world.

I mean, the disruption could have been on the East-West Line. It could have been on the North-East Line. It could have been on the Circle Line. It could have been on the Downtown Line.

If the Thomson-East Coast Line were operating, it could have been on the Thomson-East Coast Line.

But no, it had to be on the North-South Line. Why? Because Yew Tee is on the North-South Line, and that is where I live.

It had to be more than just bad luck. It seemed like someone had it out for me. Who could it be?

But I persevered. I will not be foiled by our world-class transport system.

I decided to take a bus to Bukit Panjang, where I could take the Downtown Line to Little India and then take the North-East Line to Dhoby Ghaut.

But when I reached the bus stop, it was overcrowded because of the train breakdown.



Two buses went by without stopping. It was as if all of us waiting at the bus stop were invisible.

So I walked to another bus stop farther away that was less crowded to become visible again.

After I finally managed to get on a bus, I read on Twitter that SMRT had announced that the signalling fault had been rectified and train service was “progressively returning to normal”.

[NSL] UPDATE: The signalling fault on the North South Line has been rectified. Train service is progressively returning to normal. Free regular bus & free bridging bus svcs btwn #Kranji and #JurongEast are still available.

— SMRT Corporation (@SMRT_Singapore) December 16, 2019

No wonder the bus was emptier than I had expected.

Now I really felt like someone was toying with me.

Was this payback for all my past columns making fun of previous MRT disruptions?

Was it karma?

By the time I reached Plaza Singapura around 10am, a queue had formed outside Five Guys. About 20 people were ahead of me.



If not for the signalling fault and the two buses that wouldn’t stop, I could have been among the first five guys.

I blame you, Transport Minister.

You recently said our MRT is more reliable now, even comparing it with the Hong Kong MTR and Taiwan Metro. And that to maintain that reliability, we should expect to pay higher fares.



Where was that reliability when I needed it most?

Will there be a train delay on the day I want to queue for the opening of In-N-Out Burger if it comes to Singapore?

There better not be.

By the way, I took a selfie with the guy who was first in line at Five Guys.

His name is Ryan and he is a 14-year-old American student from United World College.

He started queueing at 4am. So it was too early for him take the train there. Lucky him.

I asked Ryan when the second person in the line showed up. He said 7am. We both laughed.

The kid queued for seven hours when it could have been just four. That made me feel less sorry for myself.

Was the food worth it? Ryan said yes.

I thought the burger was okay, but I really enjoyed the milkshake with bacon.

Hey, Transport Minister, if you make sure the MRT doesn’t break down again, I’ll even buy you one.

- Published in The New Paper, 23 December 2019

EARLIER: I queued up for opening of Five Guys and got the milkshake with bacon (and a free T-shirt!)