Why an otter in TraceTogether app? It should be a merlion and I have one in mind

Do merlions cry?

As in can tears come out of their eyes?

Or are they only capable of expelling copious fluid from their mouth like they are vomiting?

I am asking because somewhere out there, there must be a very sad merlion right now.

His name is Merli.

“Who?” you may ask

Merli is the “heart-warming and whimsical” cartoon character based on Singapore’s mythical national icon – no, not Phua Chu Kang – the Merlion, created by the Singapore Tourism Board (STB) in 2018 to appeal to families with kids.



According to STB, Merli the merlion “is energetic and outgoing, and has many friends from Singapore and around the world”.

He also “makes it a point to treat his friends to his favourite food – kaya toast – which he loves for its unique taste”.

So cute, right?

Merli eats kaya toast like a typical Singaporean – and human being. He thinks he is people.

Merli has appeared in various marketing collateral, including animated videos produced by STB, but you don’t really hear much about him.



Fast forward to today.

GovTech has updated its TraceTogether app to show your Covid-19 vaccination and test statuses on your check-in pass after you scan the QR code.

For those who are vaccinated, the screen will have a green background for venue staff to see easily from a distance so that queues can be cleared quickly.

The screen will also have animation for venue staff to easily check that it is not a screenshot in case people want to cheat.



So for the animation, GovTech decided to have a cute cartoon critter swimming back and forth across the screen.

Merli is perfect for this.

I mean, he is a cute cartoon critter and he is half fish. So swimming back and forth is not a problem for Merli.

Obvious choice, right?

But what did GovTech choose to put in the animation?

Not Merli. Or even Phua Chu Kang.

GovTech picked a damn otter.



Because according to GovTech, “what’s not to like about a cute floating otter”.

Well, there is a lot not to like if you have precious koi that were eaten by a otter. You wouldn’t have that problem with kaya toast-loving Merli.

Hey, at least GovTech didn’t make it a baby panda.



So instead of using a pre-existing animated critter that officially represents our country and can swim, GovTech wastefully creates a brand new animated critter based on… what? Popularity?

No wonder The Washington Post recently claimed: “Otters are taking over Singapore.”

Last month, the US newspaper reported: “Using drainpipes as highways, the carnivorous mammals traverse the city, sometimes popping up in rush-hour traffic, or racing through university campuses…

“They visit hospital lobbies and condominium pools, hunting for koi fish and drinking from fountains.”



They have been featured in BBC and Netflix documentaries.

They have gone viral by crashing a marriage proposal and writhing around a tree like they were possessed.



They were once voted by Straits Times readers to represent Singapore for National Day.

Just last week, when an otter pup died after suffering injuries from a fight with other otters, it was front page news in this very paper you are reading.



The animal couldn’t get more publicity if it were marrying Rebecca Lim.

After Jack Neo finishes the Ah Girls Go Army movie, the logical sequel would be Otters Go Army (that is, if he can find a trangender otter to be in the cast).



Which brings me to my point.

The otters have so much already. Couldn’t GovTech have at least given the TraceTogether animated screen to poor Merli who has so little?

I mean, he is right there!

STB must have paid someone a lot of money to create Merli.



What a missed opportunity. With the drop in tourism due to the pandemic, he could use the work.

Maybe he can get a gig promoting Shopee like PCK did.



The sad, under-utilised merlion is probably somewhere out there drowning his sorrows in kaya toast right now.

Damn otters.

- Published in The New Paper, 22 November 2021

From bat to worse: Bat eating bananas versus woman riding baby dino

Bat did not pay for the fruit.

Posted by AsiaOne on Friday, October 16, 2020

Dear bat eating bananas (and not bat-eating bananas because that would be CRAZY),

Hey, save some for me. Or better yet, don’t.

In fact, I may never eat a banana again.

What are you? A Minion?



Have you been tested for Covid-19? I wonder how they would insert a swab up your little nostril.

Why no mask? Want to get fined, is it?

Where’s a safe distancing ambassador when you need one?

Oh, I forgot. You don’t have to wear a mask when you’re eating.

It was an image that shook an entire nation.

And I’m not talking about Mark Lee in drag.

You’re famous now.

But it’s rather insensitive of you to re-enact the scene from the ending of the movie Contagion in the middle of a pandemic.



Too soon, man. It’s still two weeks till Halloween.

Because of you, FairPrice posted on Facebook last Friday:

“We are aware of a video circulating on social media of a bat eating a comb of bananas in the night at our 24-hour store located at 345 Jurong East Street 31. This incident occurred outside the store where the fruits were displayed.

“We have since moved all fruits inside the store to prevent future occurrences, and checks have also been made to ensure any fruits affected have been discarded.

“We are also in contact with the authorities to look into the cause for the presence of bats in the area.

“We apologise for any inconvenience caused.”

Why should FairPrice apologise? You’re the one who should apologise for making FairPrice move the fruits inside. No inconvenience caused for the rest of us.

I’m surprised FairPrice didn’t shut the outlet down for deep-cleaning or just burn it to the ground, you know, considering the whole Contagion thing. No offence.

But you weren’t the only one caught on camera where you shouldn’t be last week.

You know the Jurassic Mile that opened recently near Changi Airport with the outdoor dinosaur exhibits?

There is a video going around of a woman sitting on a baby dinosaur display and rocking back and forth.

A video of a woman rocking back and forth on a baby dinosaur exhibit started making the rounds earlier this week.

Posted by The Straits Times on Saturday, October 17, 2020

It’s a display, not a ride.

Many were outraged by her inconsiderate behaviour. You kind of wish the baby dino would come to life and eat her. Jurassic World 3: Makan Time!



What if because of this and other instances of vandalism, Changi Airport might consider moving the exhibits indoors like what FairPrice did with the fruits because of you?

But you did what you did because, well, you’re a bat. No offence.

The woman is no more civilised than a bat, except she apparently has TikTok.

And this is why we can’t have nice things, like unfenced dino displays and bananas hanging outside the supermarket.

Compared with humans, maybe you’re not so bat, I mean, bad after all.

I promise I will never eat soup made of you, even if it’s offered by Singapore Airlines.



I’m looking forward to see how many people are going to dress up as a bat eating bananas this Halloween.

Say hi to Bruce Wayne for me.

Speaking of which, wear a mask, dammit.

- Published in The New Paper, 19 October 2020

Did a 'Singaporean farmer' really propose to girlfriend with ring on cow’s teat? Sh-udder

I believe it started with this Aug 6 Daily Mail report “Man proposes to his girlfriend by putting ring on a cow’s udder”:



The only mention of Singapore is in this paragraph:

In the post, shared with 18,000 members of the global Facebook group 'That's it, I'm ring shaming', a young woman from Singapore shared a picture of an engagement post that had come up on her Facebook feed.

That just means that someone in Singapore posted the picture, which could be from anywhere.

But that somehow became the headline "Singaporean Farmer Proposes to Girlfriend By Putting Engagement Ring on Cow’s Teat" on NextShark.



Which in turn became this bit in James Corden's monologue on his Late Late Show on Thursday.



But how true is this story? Was it really a "Singaporean dairy farmer"?

Well, there are cows in Singapore and at least one dairy farm that we know for sure.



But I call bullshit.

Creature feature: My first Safari Zoo Run

I haven't been to the zoo in years and I've been looking for a new race route.

So I took part in the Safari Zoo Run 12km challenge this morning.

Flag-off was 7.10am for the second wave.



The 12km route was two loops around the zoo. My right heel hurt in the beginning due to plantar fasciitis but less so later in the run.



The runner in front was wearing a ostrich suit but didn't fully commit.



Not actual animals.



Chawang the elephant.



Miami Vice flamingos.





"Pandas" at the start of the second loop.



For the second loop, I decided take more photos of the animals since I was getting too tired to run continuously anyway.



White Lion had a big hit with When The Children Cry in the late 80s.



A hippo and a failed hipster (me).



5km to go.



Rubbernecking with the giraffe.



Crossing the zebra.



Cheetah Rivera.



4km to go.



Horny rhino.



Them again.



2km to go.



Trunkin' on.







End of second loop.



Almost there.



There.

Relive 'Safari Zoo Run'

After the race, my heel really hurt.

Welcome to Otter-pore? My proposal: Time for Singapore to replace the Merlion

Dear Singapore Tourism Board,

A few months ago, my American friend Bill, who lives in Iowa and hadn’t contacted me for a while, messaged me on Facebook.

His message included a video titled “Otter Tree” apparently shot in Singapore.

The video showed more than a dozen naked otters writhing around the base of a tree like some sort of kinky animal tree-worshipping cult ritual.



And I thought Black Friday shoppers were possessed.

Why didn’t the National Council of Churches of Singapore say anything about that?

All Bill wrote in the message was “Ong, what the hell is going on in your country?”

Okay, so this friend of mine – whom I hadn’t heard from for maybe five years and seen for decades longer – after all this time, felt compelled to finally get in touch with me, an old college friend living half a world away, to ask me about a 46-second viral otter video from Singapore?

Indeed, what the hell was going on here?

Bill didn’t ask me how I was doing, how my family was or thank me again for the Fragrance turkey bak kwa I sent him once for Christmas.

All he wanted to know about was the damn otter tree.

And the worse thing is that I couldn’t tell him.

I just replied lamely: “Yeah, I don’t know how in the last few years the country’s getting overrun by otters, of all things.”

I haven’t heard from Bill since.

It struck me as weird that now someone in Iowa thinks that Singapore is filled with otters.

And not just in Iowa.

A British couple came to Singapore to “witness the otters” after seeing the critters featured, not in the otter tree video, but in the BBC documentary series Planet Earth II.



A photo of the man kneeling to propose to the woman with otters at his feet went viral and was reported by international media last week.

And no one was even eating pizza with chopsticks in the picture.

I’m surprised Bill hasn’t messaged me about it.



But clearly the otters in Singapore are world-famous. Travellers are coming here to see them. They have become a tourist attraction.

And yet there’s no mention of them at all in your Visit Singapore website where passion is supposedly made possible.

Isn’t it about time you showed some passion for the otters? All this talk about hawker culture, but what about otter culture?

I would even go so far as to propose replacing the Merlion with the otter.

I mean, when was the last time Merli went viral, if ever?

At least the otter is real and not some awkward manufactured offspring of an impossible inter-species coupling that’s neither fish nor feline but both.

Two years ago, The Straits Times readers even voted that the otters best represented Singapore for the nation’s 51st birthday. Singlish came in second.

Now if we could only train an otter to speak like Phua Chu Kang, we’d be all set.



And this year, guess what photo won the National Geographic photography contest held in collaboration with the Ministry of Communications and Information as part of the #WhatMakesSG campaign for National Day. Hint: It wasn't a picture of the Merlion.

Look, I’m not suggesting that an otter be appointed the first assistant secretary-general of the People’s Action Party.

All I’m saying is if I don’t see an otter in the sequel to the Crazy Rich Asians movie, then you guys are simply not doing your job.

Sure, an otter bit a little French girl at Gardens by the Bay last December, but let's sweep that under the rug, shall we?



Next, I’m writing to the Monetary Authority of Singapore to get the otter on a coin despite there being no such thing as the Year of the Otter.

Yet.

That will be worth writhing naked around a tree for.

I can’t wait for Bill to message me about it.

- Published in The New Paper, 26 November 2018

Big lizard under MRT train: Iguana tell you, gecko of my tail!

Dear monitor lizard under MRT train,

You’re a pain in the caboose.

Being a monitor lizard, you probably don’t know what a caboose is. So you don’t appreciate what a sophisticated joke I just made.

The caboose refers to the end of the train.

So what I’m saying is that you’re a pain in the backside but with rail terminology because you were found under a train. Get it?

Trust me. After a few more million years of evolution, you’ll find it hilarious.



So why are you a pain in the caboose?

Because over the past two months, SMRT had already suffered enough bad publicity of almost biblical proportions.

A flooding, a fire, a collision, a lightning strike, eight SMRT staff members dismissed over the flooding and a partridge in a pear tree.

And now you?

I really didn’t want to write a fourth consecutive column about SMRT, but here we are.

Because of you.

What were you doing under the train at the Bishan depot last Tuesday anyway?

You know the queue for the new Gong Cha outlet is at the SingPost Centre in Paya Lebar, right?



Of course, there were jokes about how you just wanted to lend a helping claw to the SMRT maintenance crew.

“Give the poor lizard a break,” wrote someone on Facebook. “It came to help u guys. Since u guys can’t do the maintenance check properly, let the lizard do it.”

Maybe instead of just shortening train operating hours and closing 19 stations for two Sundays, SMRT should also hire more lizards.



Any friends to recommend?

I understand the company has at least eight job vacancies to fill.

Another person commented online: “‘MONITOR’ lizard was an independent auditor and observer checking on the maintenance.”

Get it? You’re a monitor lizard, so you were there to “monitor” the situation. LOLz. We humans are so funny.

But then others suggested you could be the new scape-reptile for our MRT’s problems after the aluminium foil balloon, the resignalling project, deep-seated cultural issues and life.



One commenter declared: “Finally the culprit for all the MRT breakdowns had been found, no more train breakdowns from now onwards, hurray!”

That should be a huge relief to Mr Khaw Boon Wan, our Transport Minister.

But some people are also not happy with the way the SMRT workers were poking you with a dustpan and dragging you by the tail in the viral video.

You didn’t look very happy in the video either.

I guess I wouldn’t like to be poked with a dustpan and dragged by the tail either.

But then I wouldn’t be loitering under the train at the depot either.

If I were, I probably deserved to be poked with a dustpan and dragged by the tail.

But then you’re a lizard and you probably don’t know any better, no offence.



The Animal Concerns Research and Education Society deputy chief executive Kalai Balakrishnan said: “The presence of many people and the use of sticks to prod the lizard, which was most likely a water monitor, and the dragging of its tail can cause the animal to get very stressed.”

I wonder if you weren’t discovered in time, could you have actually caused a train breakdown?

That would cause many, many humans to be very stressed.

I dread the day SMRT has to tweet: “Please add one hour to train travel time due to lizard fault.”

Like I said, you’re a pain in the caboose.

By the way, can you do me a favour and please stop startling my wife when she goes jogging at Pang Sua Canal?

A post shared by Projects By Jane (@projectsbyjane) on Apr 15, 2016 at 5:44am PDT

Next, I have to write an open letter to those damn otters at the airport and the wild boar at the bus interchange.

Even they don’t trust trains.

- Published in The New Paper, 4 December 2017

AVA versus PM Lee in Year of the Cock: Bird flu or lovebirds?

Yes, we're still talking about chickens.



So Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong posted this picture of chickens for Valentine's Day, writing:

"It’s quite the romantic period, with Chap Goh Mei and Valentine’s Day just a few days apart.

Thought this photo of a pair of lovebirds especially fitting this rooster year."

Unfortunately, this comes a day after Today newspaper published a letter from Agri-food & Veterinary Authority director-general Yap Him Hoo, which said:

Various media reports may have given the impression that the AVA is taking action solely because of complaints about noise.

But that is not the case. Our concern is not about noise but about public health and safety.

The noise issues only serve to bring attention to the relatively high numbers of free-roaming chickens in certain areas, which in turn raise 
the risk of exposure to bird flu in these localities.

So one day, the chickens are potential carriers of disease to be culled.

The next day, they are "lovebirds".

In just 24 hours, the poor birds have been both vilified and romanticised by our Government.

It's like KFC's heart-shaped Chizza for Valentine's Day.



On one hand, it's supposed to represent love. On the other hand, it's also dead chicken meat.

Way to mash up Valentine's Day, chicken culling and Year of the Cock.


EARLIER: In defence of the KFC Chizza (sorta)

America first... but can we just say Singapore second? Please, Mr Trump?

Dear President Donald Trump,

Greetings from Singapore.

We’re not part of China even though we have literally millions of Chinese people here. I know it can be confusing.

Please don’t start a trade war with us.



Or at least don’t start a trade war with us because you think we’re part of China.

We have our own issues with China. (Cough, Terrex, cough.)

Remember? You mentioned us in a campaign speech last year when you said: “Baxter Health Care laid off 199 workers and moved their jobs to Singapore.”

That’s right. We’re the bad dudes who stole American jobs.

But then you withdrew the US from the Trans-Pacific Partnership, which we wanted very badly. So let’s call it even on that front.



In your inauguration speech last month, you said: “From this day forward, it’s going to be only America first.”



It was tremendous. The best inauguration speech ever with the hugest inauguration crowd ever. Period.

But if America is first, which country is second?

The Dutch were the first to throw their funny pointy hat in the ring by producing a viral video that proposed “America first, the Netherlands second”.



Of course, having lost three World Cup finals, the Dutch are experts at coming in second. (I’m talking about soccer, a sport played by girls in your country.)

Switzerland, Portugal, Denmark, Belgium, Germany and Lithuania have since released their own videos and apparently, there’s now an international online competition called Who Wants To Be Second.













But why are only European countries in the competition?

That’s racist and I know you’re the least racist person I would ever meet. It’s true.

I want to make the case for “America first, Singapore second”.



We’re okay with not being first because we have a political party that calls itself Singaporeans First, believing that Singaporeans would vote for that. Wrong! The party did not win anything in the last election. Sad!

Almost as sad as the Democrats in your country. Losers!

While protesters demonstrated against you and your travel ban last week around the world, including in Indonesia and the Philippines, Singaporeans were more upset about something else — chickens.

Yes, chickens.



Last week, our Government was pecked by animal lovers for its decision to cull non-headless chickens running wild in our country.

They’re like our Mexicans. They’re noisy and some, I assume, are good chickens.

The timing is also rather insensitive as it’s the Year of the Chicken.

Are we going to cull stray puppies next year when it’s the Year of the Dog?

It could be our new annual tradition, culling the animal that it’s the year of.

2024 is the Year of the Dragon? No problem. If we can’t find Komodo dragons, monitor lizards will do. Just grab them by the tail.

A video posted by SM Ong (@s.m.ong) on Aug 26, 2015 at 10:56am PDT

By the way, some people may insist on calling it the Year of the Rooster, not the Year of the Chicken, but I think that’s sexist. That’s just talking cock on so many levels.

No other animal in the Chinese zodiac is gender-specific. It’s discrimination.

Like you, I love all women, even hens. It’s true.

Hmmm, I wonder what happened to the culled chickens.

Coincidentally, I read that KFC is bringing the chizza — a pizza with the crust made of fried chicken — to Singapore this week.



My feathers will be ruffled and I will cry fowl if that turns out to be fake news.

I believe you can also eat the chizza with a knife and fork, which I know is how you like to eat your KFC to avoid getting your small hands dirty.



Thanks, KFC, for making the Year of the Chicken great again.

It’s knife and fork-lickin' good!

Speaking of KFC, if you should meet our own president, don’t call him Colonel. He is not in the military.



I understand you also like pussies cats.

We have the Merlion, which is half cat (a lion) and half fish, although for you, the cat part may be at the wrong end.



If you want, we could have our Merlion statue spray water on you. But only water.

You like golden, uh, stuff? We have Golden Mile.

We call it Golden Mile and not Golden Kilometre because we know how you Americans hate the metric system.



You have Trump Tower. We have Orchard Towers, the best towers in Singapore. Believe me. No alternative facts here.

I am sure you will be peed, I mean, pleased.



You like walls. We have Wall’s ice cream (which is actually a UK brand, but hey, Brexit).



Incidentally, the Singaporeans First party also has the same logo as Wall’s ice cream. And like ice cream, the party appears to have melted away.

So we totally understand that it’s going to be America first, but can we just say, Singapore second?

If you could sign an executive order to make it so, you would be the best US president in Singapore and JB.

And some say Batam.

You can rub that in Arnold Schwarzenegger’s low-rated face.



God bless America!

- Published in The New Paper, 6 February 2017


UPDATE:

51 Shades Of Black & White: Kai Kai does 'sexercise' for panda porn sequel

It’s the most anticipated match-up since croissants versus salted egg yolk.

More exciting than Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice, where the Man of Steel and Jennifer Garner’s soon-to-be ex-husband are pitted against each other by Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg.



More primal than Mr Murali Pillai of the People’s Action Party versus Dr Chee Soon Juan of the Singapore Democratic Party in the Murali-Chee by-election in Bukit Buttock.

Of course I’m talking about Jia Jia versus Liang Teh, also known as Kai Kai.



Can’t wait for the 50 Shades Of Grey movie sequel? Book your tickets online for the sequel to 50 Shades Of Black & White.

Drop the kids off at Kungfu Panda 3 and bring your own 3D glasses to watch some real R21 animal behaviour.

As you may recall, last April, Wildlife Reserves Singapore (WRS) — which apparently isn’t very reserved at all — released some rather explicit images of pandas Jia Jia and Kai Kai attempting to mate.



There wasn’t even a NSFW warning.

And since Jia Jia was six and Kai Kai was seven at the time, could I be arrested for watching child porn?

Where’s the Media Development Authority to shield us from such lurid zoophilia when we need them?

We cut US President Barack Obama’s remarks on the gay community from The Ellen DeGeneres Show on Channel 5 and yet we let such critter smut go uncensored?



Wait, isn’t Ellen DeGeneres a lesbian? How is she still on Singapore TV?

It’s a slippery slope. Next thing you know, we’re allowing panda sex.

But does it count as sex if the animals couldn’t, uh... let’s say, close the deal?

I mean, Jia Jia and Kai Kai didn’t really get to Netflix and chill last year despite WRS’s best efforts.

But that was before Netflix was officially launched in Singapore, which could be why they couldn’t get “connected”, so to speak. Maybe their VPN wasn’t set up properly.



As usual, it was the guy’s fault. Kai Kai was blamed for choking in the clutch.

“He just didn’t know what to do,” said Dr Cheng Wen-Haur, the WRS chief life sciences officer, about Kai Kai. “I think he’s just too young. He’s just a boy.”

Way to kick a guy when he’s down, doc.

Instead of sending Kai Kai for counselling to rescue his shrivelled self-esteem, WRS sent Jia Jia for artificial insemination.

I’m surprised our Government hasn’t used this method on Singaporean women to reverse our falling birth rate. Just put them to sleep and stick a needle in them whether they want it or not.

But the artificial insemination may not take, which was the case with Jia Jia.



So here we are now, a year later and panda mating season is back again. WRS is mounting the sequel, 51 Shades Of Black & White.

In a statement released last week, WRS said:

“In the coming weeks, visitors (to the River Safari) can expect to see male panda Kai Kai bleating in his exhibit and scent-marking more frequently.

“He may also display the flehmen response, a behaviour whereby an animal curls back its upper lip to sniff for pheromones to assess the breeding readiness of its mate.”

Ooh, sexy. What female can resist a curled-back upper lip?

And Kai Kai has been training hard for his upcoming sexathon with Jia Jia as well. WRS said:

“To enhance his performance ahead of the breeding season, Kai Kai has been dutifully doing his ‘sexercise’ in his den for months.

“Panda keepers get Kai Kai to stand up on his hind legs for a few seconds at a time to strengthen his hind quarters.

“The exercise also serves to improve his stamina which would help to improve success rates during mating.”

Hey, can I sign up for that too?

I also need to strengthen my hind quarters and build up my stamina to prepare for my, uh… let’s say, participation in The Straits Times Run in May.

But despite all the “sexercise” Kai Kai is doing, WRS doesn’t seem to have much faith in the boy. The organisation said:

“Vets have also collected Kai Kai’s semen for artificial insemination to increase the chances of breeding the pandas should natural mating be unsuccessful.”

So WRS isn’t putting all its eggs in one basket, so to speak.

After all, the last thing we want is for WRS to fail to get Jia Jia pregnant again and become a symbol of Singapore’s own failure to produce more babies.

And like Singapore, WRS also brought in foreign talent — ironically, Jia Jia and Kai Kai themselves.



WRS said that once the pandas are “deemed ready” to get it on, they “will be taken out of their respective exhibits for three days to allow natural mating in the dens”.

I hope they get Netflix there.

Season two of Daredevil is pretty good. They can binge-watch it in those three days.

- Published in The New Paper, 27 March 2016



EARLIER:

Let's welcome Prince William & Kate like they're giant pandas

Panda porn: 50 shades of black & white