Greetings from Singapore.
We’re not part of China even though we have literally millions of Chinese people here. I know it can be confusing.
Please don’t start a trade war with us.
Or at least don’t start a trade war with us because you think we’re part of China.
We have our own issues with China. (Cough, Terrex, cough.)
Remember? You mentioned us in a campaign speech last year when you said: “Baxter Health Care laid off 199 workers and moved their jobs to Singapore.”
That’s right. We’re the bad dudes who stole American jobs.
But then you withdrew the US from the Trans-Pacific Partnership, which we wanted very badly. So let’s call it even on that front.
In your inauguration speech last month, you said: “From this day forward, it’s going to be only America first.”
It was tremendous. The best inauguration speech ever with the hugest inauguration crowd ever. Period.
But if America is first, which country is second?
The Dutch were the first to throw their funny pointy hat in the ring by producing a viral video that proposed “America first, the Netherlands second”.
Of course, having lost three World Cup finals, the Dutch are experts at coming in second. (I’m talking about soccer, a sport played by girls in your country.)
Switzerland, Portugal, Denmark, Belgium, Germany and Lithuania have since released their own videos and apparently, there’s now an international online competition called Who Wants To Be Second.
But why are only European countries in the competition?
That’s racist and I know you’re the least racist person I would ever meet. It’s true.
I want to make the case for “America first, Singapore second”.
We’re okay with not being first because we have a political party that calls itself Singaporeans First, believing that Singaporeans would vote for that. Wrong! The party did not win anything in the last election. Sad!
Almost as sad as the Democrats in your country. Losers!
While protesters demonstrated against you and your travel ban last week around the world, including in Indonesia and the Philippines, Singaporeans were more upset about something else — chickens.
Last week, our Government was pecked by animal lovers for its decision to cull non-headless chickens running wild in our country.
They’re like our Mexicans. They’re noisy and some, I assume, are good chickens.
The timing is also rather insensitive as it’s the Year of the Chicken.
Are we going to cull stray puppies next year when it’s the Year of the Dog?
It could be our new annual tradition, culling the animal that it’s the year of.
2024 is the Year of the Dragon? No problem. If we can’t find Komodo dragons, monitor lizards will do. Just grab them by the tail.
By the way, some people may insist on calling it the Year of the Rooster, not the Year of the Chicken, but I think that’s sexist. That’s just talking cock on so many levels.
No other animal in the Chinese zodiac is gender-specific. It’s discrimination.
Like you, I love all women, even hens. It’s true.
Hmmm, I wonder what happened to the culled chickens.
Coincidentally, I read that KFC is bringing the chizza — a pizza with the crust made of fried chicken — to Singapore this week.
My feathers will be ruffled and I will cry fowl if that turns out to be fake news.
I believe you can also eat the chizza with a knife and fork, which I know is how you like to eat your KFC to avoid getting your small hands dirty.
Thanks, KFC, for making the Year of the Chicken great again.
It’s knife and fork-lickin' good!
Speaking of KFC, if you should meet our own president, don’t call him Colonel. He is not in the military.
I understand you also like
We have the Merlion, which is half cat (a lion) and half fish, although for you, the cat part may be at the wrong end.
If you want, we could have our Merlion statue spray water on you. But only water.
You like golden, uh, stuff? We have Golden Mile.
We call it Golden Mile and not Golden Kilometre because we know how you Americans hate the metric system.
You have Trump Tower. We have Orchard Towers, the best towers in Singapore. Believe me. No alternative facts here.
I am sure you will be peed, I mean, pleased.
You like walls. We have Wall’s ice cream (which is actually a UK brand, but hey, Brexit).
Incidentally, the Singaporeans First party also has the same logo as Wall’s ice cream. And like ice cream, the party appears to have melted away.
So we totally understand that it’s going to be America first, but can we just say, Singapore second?
If you could sign an executive order to make it so, you would be the best US president in Singapore and JB.
And some say Batam.
You can rub that in Arnold Schwarzenegger’s low-rated face.
God bless America!
- Published in The New Paper, 6 February 2017