Coronavirus: The witch hunt has begun

So this showed up in my Facebook feed:



And this is how it begins.


EARLIER: 'I just cannot tahan this new virus from Wuhan'

TRS was our Donald Trump

So Donald Trump wins another primary.

He is leading the race for the Republican presidential nomination.

This despite him saying racist and xenophobic things like:



And:



Or more likely, because of it.

US officials said that diplomats from Europe, the Middle East, Latin America and Asia have expressed alarm about the xenophobic nature of Trump's statements, reported Reuters.

But what's more alarming than the xenophobic nature of Trump's statements is that many Americans seem to support those statements by voting for him.

Is it possible that Trump isn't really as xenophobic as he appears and is saying all that stuff just to win votes?

He has even been accused to making stuff up to monger the hate.

Don't blame Donald Trump for Donald Trump. Blame the people voting for him.

Could something like Donald Trump happen here in Singapore?

In a way, it already has.

The Real Singapore was our Donald Trump.

Like Trump, TRS tapped into the xenophobia of the populace and benefitted from it.

On Tuesday, former TRS editor Ai Takagi pleaded guilty to publishing inflammatory articles on the website (now defunct) and its Facebook page.

Embed from Getty Images

The prosecution said TRS editors "brazenly played up racism and xenophobia" on the site. "They even resorted to outright and blatant fabrication in order to attract Internet users to their website - all with the objective of increasing their advertising revenue."

One example of such fabrication was an article about a Filipino family causing a commotion between the police and participants of last year’s Thaipusam procession.

The court heard that TRS received more than 134 million page views in total from May 2014 to March last year, double that of the preceding year. Over 95 per cent of the website’s readers were from Singapore, reported The Straits Times.

Each time an article is viewed on the site, an advertisement is displayed and TRS would be paid for it. Between December 2013 and April last year, the website earned over A$473,000 (S$488,000) in advertising revenue from Google alone.

What all this suggests is that xenophobic articles = page views = $.

If the equation were cat photos = page views = $, TRS could've been filled with kitty pics.

So don't blame TRS. Blame ourselves for clicking on TRS for the xenophobic articles.

Just as the success of Trump playing up racism and xenophobia for votes says less about the man and more about the Republican voters, the success of TRS playing up racism and xenophobia for readership and profit says less about the website and more about us.

TRS may be gone, but not the readership.

Or the xenophobia.

Or Trump.

If only we liked cat photos more.

Twisted ankle? Racist incident? Nothing will stop Sharon Au from playing Mrs LKY

What is Au?

That’s the name of the actress starring as Mrs Lee Kuan Yew in The LKY Musical.

It was also probably what she said when she twisted her ankle backstage during the musical’s first preview performance on Tuesday night.

“Au! I twisted my ankle!”

That’s so convenient, to have a name you can shout out whenever you’re in pain. Jeanette Aw can do the same too.



But Aw isn’t in The LKY Musical. It’s Au, as in Sharon Au.

She told The New Paper what happened:

“A technical glitch caused a delay so we were all rushing backstage to change our clothes, which we only had three or four minutes to do.

“Let me tell you the irony: As I have a big fear of heights, (co-star) Adrian (Pang) has always carried me down those three flights of stairs that lead to our backstage changing rooms.

“Last night, adrenaline took over and I just ran ahead of him. He was shocked when I missed my step... and I twisted my right ankle.”

And that was how she ended up in a wheelchair after the show being pushed by Pang.

A photo posted by Sharon Au (@negitateno13) on Jul 21, 2015 at 8:22am PDT

By all accounts, a prince among men, Pang plays the late former Prime Minister whose name is in the title of the musical, Mr Lee Kuan Yew.

This, of course, is not the first time Pang has acted as a great ruler. In 2004, he was the title character in the TV sitcom, Durian King.



So in 11 years, Pang has gone from playing the king of the king of fruit to playing a leader whose death was cheered by a teenager who went to court eating a banana.

What a fruitful career.

Now at the Sands Theatre in Marina Bay Sands until Aug 16, The LKY Musical is the second musical in three months about “the tumultuous times of pre-independence Singapore”.

Actually, it’s more like “the tumultuous times of pre-Singapore getting kicked out of Malaysia”, but hey, you say tomato, I say ang mo kio.



The first musical was Singapura: The Musical, which was reportedly shut down “abruptly” earlier this month after announcing that it would extend its run.

Cast and crew members told The Straits Times that attendance was dismal with the actors performing at times to an almost-empty Capitol Theatre.

I suspect there was some resistance to a musical about Singapore directed by an American and written by a Filipino.



But The LKY Musical should do better because it’s a musical about Singapore directed by a Brit with a book by an American and lyrics by another Brit.

Wait, what? You mean even The LKY Musical must rely on foreign talent too?

Relak lah. It's not all FT. The music is by a Singaporean, Dick Lee. He composed the “This is home, truly” song that everyone loves so much that any new National Day song he writes after that sucks in comparison.



And the actors in The LKY Musical are Singaporean, so there should be no danger of “Singaporeans” speaking with a Filipino accent.

Although there could be a danger of Au lapsing into an Indian accent.

Last month, she co-hosted the SEA Games opening ceremony and someone complained on Facebook that Au spoke to an Indian girl in the stands and put on an Indian accent. The post went viral and Au was accused of being racist.

Before that, she was accused of just being an annoying host with a shrieking voice that made your ears vomit.

Sharon Au... SHUT THE F**K UP! You're shrieking is annoying! #SEAGames2015

— Ernie Teng (@ernest71) June 5, 2015

Sharon Au needs to stop. My ears are vomiting.

— Kyle (@kyleriiiil) June 5, 2015

Au quickly apologised on Facebook, but not for making people’s ears vomit.

She wrote:

“Some of you may have watched the pre-show and heard my attempt at mimicking an Indian accent. It was intended to be comic, but in hindsight, I realise how insensitive it was. I sincerely apologise to those whom I’ve inadvertently offended.”

Which was all well and good until she revealed to The Business Times later the real reason she apologised:

“It was a painful incident, an unintended joke, and I was very, very concerned about what impact it might have on The LKY Musical. I didn’t want anything to tarnish this because it is such a special project, and it was foremost on my mind when I made that online apology.”

So it seems she cared less about whether she was being racist than about protecting her precious musical.

Hence it was little surprise that after twisting her ankle last week, Au insisted on carrying on with the show.

If she won’t let a racist incident stop her, what’s a minor ankle injury?

She’s such a trooper.

After all, the show must go on.

Just nobody say, “Break a leg.”

- Published in The New Paper, 26 July 2015




UPDATE: Should I watch LKY in The LKY Musical or LKY in 1965 movie?

Singapura: The Musical by foreigners no worse than NDP song by Singaporean

Talk about revisionist history.

Who knew that before nationhood, Singaporeans spoke with a Filipino accent?

But then expecting Singapura: The Musical by the Philippines-based 4th Wall Theatre Company to be an accurate portrayal of Singapore’s struggle for independence is like mistaking Les Miserables for a documentary about the French Revolution with singing.



Miserable is also how you can describe the press reviews for Singapura: The Musical, which premiered at the wonderfully refurbished Capitol Theatre earlier this month and will run until June 7.

The Straits Times complained that the musical “suffers from a horrendous lack of focus”, with “thinly drawn characters” and “pleasant but ultimately forgettable” music.

Today newspaper lamented that the 2½-hour musical is “based on real events, but never at any point feels real” and is “about two hours too long”.

With my expectations sufficiently lowered, perhaps it was not surprising that I found myself well entertained when I attended the performance on Friday night.

This was despite me not being entirely sure what was going on for much of the plot.

For example, if the wife owns a “kopitiam”, why does the husband need to work as a bus driver? Just so he can be involved in the Hock Lee bus riot?

By the way, the title Singapura: The Musical is a bit of a misnomer as it suggests a wider scope than is presented. It should be called Hock Lee Bus Riot & Its Consequences: The Musical.



Anyway, the point I want to make is, if my wife is rich enough to own a “kopitiam”, I wouldn’t be driving a bus. I’d be at home shaking leg all day.

I was further confused by the story because I was seated so far away from the stage in literally the Nth row of the circle seats on the third storey (which I had to take a lift to) that I could barely see the actors’ faces and had trouble identifying a few characters.



That’ll teach me for getting the cheapest ticket, which at $75 wasn’t very cheap anyway.

At that price, binoculars should be provided.

I was mad at myself for forgetting to use my Passion card to get the 10 per cent discount.



But after a while, the plot points and knowing who’s who didn’t matter. Once I let the visuals, songs and history lessons wash over me like magic rainbow dust and went with the flow, that was when I started enjoying myself.

Every time a man in white shirt and pants appeared on stage, I wanted to shout “LKY!” — although the musical strangely doesn’t mention Mr Lee Kuan Yew’s name at all.

So don’t worry, Minister for Culture, Community and Youth Lawrence Wong. No commercialisation of Mr Lee’s name or image here.

Yes, the accents are wrong, but having been conditioned by the mélange of weird accents on Channel 5 TV dramas from Masters Of The Sea to Mata Mata over the years, Singaporeans should be accustomed to foreign accents being passed off as local by now.



It’s as if the musical’s Filipino cast members are doing a reverse Amos Yee by trying to sound Singaporean whereas Yee is trying not to sound Singaporean with his American accent.



It’s more than a little ironic that a theatre company from the same country as ex-Tan Tock Seng Hospital employee Ello Ed Mundsel Bello, who once posted on Facebook that “Pinoy better and stronger than Stinkaporeans”, would mount a production celebrating the resilience of Singaporeans during the turmoil of the 50s and 60s.

Ello was charged last month with sedition and lying to the police.

So the musical could be seen as the Fililpinos making up for Ello’s transgressions — or another instance where they’re taking jobs from Singaporeans.

But would the show have been better if it were produced by Singaporeans?

Well, this year’s new official National Day Parade song Our Singapore is written by Dick Lee, a Singaporean, but it’s so generic and facile that it might as well have been outsourced to a foreigner.



In fact, Lee’s song probably wouldn’t sound too out of place in Hock Lee Bus Riot & Its Consequences: The Musical — and I don’t necessarily mean that as a bad thing.

Near the end of the show, (spoiler alert) when the “kopitiam”-owning wife dies of injuries from the MacDonald House bomb blast (end of spoiler), I almost cried.

Does that mean that instead of shaking leg, I have to run the “kopitiam” myself now?

At the end of the musical, I was so moved by the closing song that I wanted to shout “Merdeka!” because I felt somebody needed to.

And I did.

Fortunately, there was no one in the seats near me to tell me to shut up.

Vive la revolution, baby.

- Published in The New Paper, 31 May 2013



EARLIER: Dick Lee rhymes 'core' with 'Singapore' because NDP song for SG50

UPDATE: Singapura: The Musical shuts down abruptly after announcing extension

Let's think about improving government videos about foreign workers

Last week, the Singapore Government released a series of videos with the tagline “Let’s think about it”.

At least, I assume it’s the Singapore Government since the YouTube videos were uploaded by “govsingapore” and look like they have been produced by committee.

They’re not good enough to go viral like the Jurong Point Mother’s Day video and not intentionally bad enough to go viral like the Un-Un-Unbelievable music video.

I would like to offer some suggestions to help improve the three government videos.




TITLE Then What Are You Complaining About?

DESCRIPTION

The video shows a married couple seated in a crowded bus presumably on their way to work.

Another passenger walks by and bumps into the shoulder of the husband, who gets annoyed and starts complaining in Mandarin that it’s crowded everywhere you go.

He says: “I think there are just too many foreigners in Singapore.”

Then the wife says the weirdest thing: “Our home is crowded too. Aren't you forgetting Floridel who’s busy taking care of our kids?”

Husband replies: “I’m not talking about our domestic helper.

“Or bus drivers. Or cleaners. Or restaurant staff. Aiyah!”

The video ends after he whines: “You know, my colleague’s contract is ending soon. He’ll be sent back to India. My boss will definitely ask me to take over his work.”

This is meant to show the irony of him complaining about too many foreigners in Singapore and yet he is upset that his foreign colleague is leaving.

Unfortunately, what it really shows me is that the husband has bigger issues at work than foreigners. If I were his boss and I saw this video, I would probably fire his ass for his poor work attitude.

MY IDEA

In the first place, how crowded can the bus be if the couple found a seat?

And not just for one of them, but for both of them, side by side.

For any rush-hour commuter, that’s like finding a unicorn.

To really show overcrowding on public transport, the couple could be on an MRT train that’s so packed, the wife is accidentally pushed out and her leg slips into the platform gap.



That’s when the husband can start complaining that there are too many foreigners in Singapore.




TITLE Now Even The Boss Has To Work

DESCRIPTION

The video shows a homeowner on the phone, asking for his air-conditioner to be repaired that day.

At the other end of the line, an Ah Beng type says he can only do it next week due to the lack of manpower, blaming the Government for its “hiring quota for foreign labour”.

The homeowner says: “Singapore so hot. How you expect me to survive one week without aircon.”

Ah Beng replies: “What to do? Singaporeans complain too many foreigners. So Government send them back lah!”

The punchline comes when the homeowner says: “Like that, I think I must get two aircons. One just to stand by.”

I have one word for him — fans.

MY IDEA

I understand the lack of air-conditioning can be an emergency for some Singaporeans, but it’s not dire enough.

Instead of a mere broken air-conditioner, the homeowner could be calling to complain that because of a choked pipe, his newly renovated flat is covered with shit like what happened in Punggol last week.



Never mind surviving one week without aircon. Try living one day with faeces on your floor.

Even fans won’t help.




TITLE What Matters Is That We Do A Good Job

DESCRIPTION

The video shows a boy and a girl discussing what they want to do when they grow up.

The girl says she wants to be a lawyer and “make lots of money”.

The boy says he’ll be a banker and make more money than her.

Bursting his bubble, the girl says: “My papa says all the top banking jobs are going to foreigners.”

Unfazed, the boy says: “My papa says as long as you have the right attitude, you will always have the chance to succeed!

“Singaporeans or foreigners does not matter.”

He even offers to hire the girl to be his lawyer when he becomes the boss.

MY IDEA

Why wait till he becomes a boss to hire a lawyer?

The boy could make his own YouTube video and be on trial for electronically transmitting an obscene image and uploading content that contained remarks against Christianity.

Just don’t expect the girl to work pro bono.

She wants to make lots of money.

Kids today...

- Published in The New Paper, 17 May 2015

Alien protesting against foreigners on Orchard Road

That's really one ugly head.

Blogger: Xenomorph rearing its ugly head again

Yahoo: Xenomorph rears its ugly head in Singapore once more

Yahoo: Is Singapore turning into a xenomorphic society?

World’s most expensive city? Don’t shy – own it!

The news was so big that even Stephen Colbert reported it.

On his US TV show The Colbert Report on Comedy Central last Tuesday, Colbert said: “Singapore is now the world’s most expensive place to live. For the world’s cheapest place, check your clothing label.”



I checked my clothing label. It said: “Made in China.”

But according to the 2014 Worldwide Cost of Living survey by the Economist Intelligence Unit (EIU), the world’s cheapest place to live is actually Mumbai, India.

So Colbert was wrong. That’s the misleading Western media for ya.

Or perhaps I’m taking a programme that’s on a TV channel called Comedy Central a little too seriously.

There are quite a number of international surveys like this with Singapore being ranked somewhere that pop up regularly throughout the year.

Last week, Singapore was ranked the second safest out of 99 countries, according to the US-based World Justice Project Rule of Law Index 2014. We were beaten by Finland, of all places.

My daughter is still upset by a survey two months ago that ranked Singapore as the No. 1 place in the world where you can find the best schools and the happiest kids.

The survey was by another organisation I have never heard of, the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development.

The daughter, who is in Secondary 3, was not happy that the survey said she was happy.

“Do I look happy?” she demanded to know. “Who did they ask to take the survey? They should have asked me!”

And it’s not just kids whose happiness was being ranked. In 2012, a Gallup survey said Singaporeans have the lowest positive emotions worldwide. In other words, we are the unhappiest people on the planet.

Then in 2013, the United Nations-sponsored World Happiness Report 2013 ranked Singapore as only 30th happiest globally, but it was good enough to make us the happiest country in Asia.

Then in January, another survey, called the World of Work Report by recruiting firm Randstad Group, said that Singapore workers are the unhappiest in Asia.

Unhappiest, happiest, unhappiest – I suspect if there’s a survey for the most bipolar country in the world, we would top that as well.

Personally, I always look forward to the results of the Durex survey to learn how much sex I am having – I mean, Singaporeans are having compared to the rest of the world.

But the EIU survey, which ranks Singapore as the world’s most expensive city, is getting more attention than most other surveys.

Even Finance Minister Tharman Shanmugaratnam addressed it in Parliament last week.

He said that surveys like the one done by EIU are “basically aimed at comparing cost of living for expatriates in different cities or countries” and “measuring something quite different from the cost of living for an ordinary local in different cities around the world”.



I know how expensive things are in Singapore. I live here.

I still can’t get over having to pay more than $2 for a can of spiced pork cubes. I remember when a can used to cost just $1.15 only a few years ago. That’s like a 100 per cent price hike.

I still love spiced pork cubes, but they’re now a luxury, like caviar and cable TV.

But what bothers me even more than the rising cost of living is this AFP headline for a report on Mr Tharman’s speech: “Singapore downplays ‘world’s most expensive city’ tag.”

Another headline I’m not happy about: “‘World’s most expensive city’ not happy to top the list.”



The smug tone of these headlines rankles me so much that I say instead of being embarrassed by the “most expensive” title, we should own it and rub it back in their faces.

We beat Tokyo, Paris, London and New York, man! That’s no small potatoes.

Look at it another away. You know how unhappy many Singaporeans are that we have so many foreigners here?

Just two days ago in Parliament, Acting Manpower Minister Tan Chuan-Jin said that more than 50 firms have hired disproportionately more foreign executives than they should.

With Singapore now being the most expensive city to live in, fewer foreigners will want to come and work here. The EIU ranking may be a blessing in disguise.

And if that doesn’t scare foreigners away, we still have the haze.

And the dry spell. And the heat. And the increasingly frequent train delays.

And the threat that Ris Low’s movie will eventually be released, like the Kraken.

If only we could also make Singapore a little less safe...

That would be priceless.

- Published in The New Paper, 9 March 2014



EARLIER: I’m not so positive these surveys are reliable

SMRT bus drivers' strike: Who's the villain?

So who has "netizens" vilified most in the dispute between SMRT and its mainland China bus drivers?

FOREIGNERS?

I was bracing myself for another round of foreigner-bashing online, now an entrenched local pastime.

While this may not be the first time foreign workers have stopped work en masse in recent times, this is the first time a public service has been affected.

Maybe this will finally force the Government to seriously re-examine our over-reliance on foreign workers for essential public services and beyond. Then these foreign bus drivers would've accomplished with one strike what all the online foreigner-bashing couldn't.

Surprisingly, there is actually some sympathy and even admiration for the bus drivers for standing up to the establishment.



SMRT?

The Chinese bus drivers complained about unequal pay and poor accommodations provided by the company.

Most of Singapore already hate SMRT for the train disruptions. Where are you now, Saw Phaik Hwa?

But surprisingly again, SMRT isn't the big butt of jokes this time round.

So who is the big butt of jokes?



MAINSTREAM MEDIA!

Of all things, "netizens" have chosen to focus their weekly outrage on the reluctance to use the word "strike" in news reports of the dispute.



It's another "ponding"!

I'd rather make fun of SMRT's increasingly ironic insistence on calling its bus drivers "Service Leaders".



So "netizens" actually hate local media more than they hate foreign talent and SMRT. Now that's saying something.

Anyway, here's proof that The Straits Times isn't afraid to use the word "strike" where it's warranted.



Headline on Stomp today: See how badly this auntie wants to score a bowling 'strike'.

COLUMN: Call a spade a spade...

Let's welcome Prince William & Kate like they're giant pandas

You mean their names are not Jia Jia and Liang Teh?

I think someone is missing a major sponsorship opportunity here.

So how excited are you about the two new foreign talents from China coming to Singapore?



Judging by the number of “panda-monium” puns, it seemed that many are indeed thrilled by the arrival of giant panda couple Jia Jia and Kai Kai last week – and they don’t even play table tennis.



The last time there was so much hype about the animal, it knew kungfu and had the speaking voice of Tenacious D’s lead singer.

Just don’t let Jia Jia or Kai Kai near a Ferrari.

But my larger concern is this:

With all this hoopla surrounding China’s “national treasures” on our island, how are we going to match the pomp for the upcoming visit to Singapore by British royalty Prince William and his wife Catherine on Tuesday?



Will there be commemorative stamps issued by Singapore Post and commemorative coins issued by the Monetary Authority of Singapore for the royal couple like for the pandas?

Will Singapore Airlines offer limited-edition plush toy versions of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge?

On their flight here, will the temperature be kept at 18 to 22 deg C and the humidity at 50 to 60 per cent to mimic their natural habitat?

Will they be fed lots of bamboo?

Will they be quarantined in a 1,500 sq m dome enclosure costing $8.6 million in Mandai for a month?

Will Minister of State for Trade and Industry Teo Ser Luck, former President S R Nathan and former Nominated Member of Parliament Claire Chiang be at Changi Airport to wearing neon green vests and holding a banner that says “Singapore welcomes Wills and Kate”?



Anything less would be a slap in Their Highnesses’ faces.

Unlike the pandas, at least the human prince and his wife are more likely to be able to read the banner.

Still, the pandas and the royals may have more in common than you realise, apart from them coming to Singapore in the same month.

For one thing, both the pandas and the royals are couples - as in there’s a boy (Kai Kai, Prince William) and there’s a girl (Jia Jia, Kate Middleton).

For another thing, the royals come from Britain which just hosted the London Olympics last month where Singapore won two bronze medals in table tennis.

The pandas come from China which hosted the Beijing Olympics in 2008 where Singapore won a silver medal in table tennis.

So both the royals and the pandas come from countries that hosted the Olympics where we won at least one medal in table tennis.

Also, Prince William has a brother Harry who was recently photographed naked in Las Vegas.

I don’t know if Jia Jia or Kai Kai has siblings, but they must have relatives back in China and I’m guessing they also enjoy baring it all. (Or rather, "bearing" it all. Smirk.)

So both the royals and the pandas have family members who are not always so keen on clothing.

Finally, remember Mr Teo (who showed up in a neon green vest with Mr Nathan and Ms Chiang holding a banner to greet the illiterate pandas at Changi Airport)?

He reportedly said that having the pandas mate is a KPI, or key performance indicator.

In his speech at the panda arrival ceremony on Thursday, Mr Teo said: “I’m sure many visitors and Singaporeans look forward to seeing Kai Kai and Jia Jia when the panda exhibit opens by the end of the year.

“And we look forward even more to hearing the pitter patter of baby panda feet soon.”

I wouldn’t call it a KPI, but having Prince William and his wife mate during their Singapore visit would certainly be a bonus.

With all the “Kate is pregnant” rumours, it’s safe to say that many are looking forward to hearing the pitter patter of royal baby feet soon.

How cool would it be if those royal baby feet were conceived during the royals’ three days here on our island?

Unfortunately, as Mr Teo himself acknowledged, Singapore is somewhat challenged when it comes to getting people to procreate.

Maybe we’ll have better luck with pandas.

Speaking of which, I’m getting a little thirsty. I think I’ll quench my thirst with a refreshing can of Jia Jia Liang Teh.

I’m available for sponsorship.

- Published in The New Paper, 9 September 2012

The story of a story

The story is my column called "My mother says Tao Li is too fat to win".



This is the story of that story:

Sunday 5 Aug

The column was published in The New Paper. As usual, I posted the column on this blog.

The article was mentioned on two online forums at Hardware Zone and Spatchy. The comments were generally positive.

But I felt the need to correct the perception that I was mocking foreign talent in the column and so I wrote a blog post entitled "Not my intention to mock foreign talent".

Tuesday 7 Aug

AsiaOne website picked up my column (which it has done before) and put it under the heading Sports.

Then AsiaOne did something it has never done before with my column - it shared the link to the article on its Facebook page and exposed my column to a whole new readership.

That was when things got a little crazy.

People on Facebook, Twitter and blogs started condemning my column (and my post "defending" it) for being rude, offensive, trashy, unfunny, xenophobic, sexist and so on.

My favourite comment is "My father says the reporter is too stupid to be published".

A blogger named Andrew Loh even wrote a post dedicated to calling me stupid entitled "Wow. This guy is really stupid".

Wednesday, 8 Aug

Reddit and The Singapore Daily linked to my blog, bringing in another wave of new readers.

That was when the tide seemed to turn a bit and I started to get more positive comments again.

Even my old boss, former CEO of MediaCorp and SPH Mediaworks Lee Cheok Yew, wrote a supportive comment on my blog. I haven't spoken to him in a decade.

A blogger named Dotseng wrote a blog post entitled "Wow... this Andrew Loh is really stupid to call that TNP journalist stupid!"

In the blog, Dotseng referred to me as the nameless "poor TNP journalist".

So you see, it was a rather interesting National Day week for me.

And that's my story of my story and I'm sticking to it.

Not my intention to mock foreign talent

On Sunday, after my column headlined "My mother says Tao Li is too fat to win" was published in The New Paper, I discovered that the article was discussed in two online forums at Hardware Zone and Spatchy.

On the one hand, I'm happy that people read my column and cared enough to share it online.

On the other hand, it's kind of surreal to read things about yourself written by people you don't know.

Of course, there are some negative comments. But I'm especially dismayed that my column is characterised as mocking foreign talent, which was not my intention.



But I'm relieved yet also feel conflicted that many people seem to enjoy the column because they think I was mocking foreign talent. Which I guess I was - but not intentionally.

My intention was just to make fun of the physical appearance of certain members of Team Singapore and it just so happened that they are foreign-born athletes.

But the point of my column is in the headline rewritten for this blog, "To win an Olympic medal, looks aren't everything."

So in a way, I was actually making fun of my mother for saying that Tao Li looks fat and that's why she can't win.

Ang Peng Siong looked like a world champion, but he never won an Olympic medal. Wang Yuegu looks like a beer aunty, but she helped win Singapore's first medal in 48 years.

As I wrote twice in my column, looks can be deceiving.

Yes, I also wrote that you can take Feng Tianwei out of China, but you can't take China out of her. That was just about her hair.

Ironically, I was writing about the National Day Parade for last Sunday's column but changed it hurriedly at the last minute after finding out that Neil Humphreys had also written about NDP in his column next to mine.

Not sure if it was a blessing in disguise.

I'm a little upset that someone in the Hardware Zone forum calls me an "unker". I suppose that's retribution for calling Wang a "beer aunty".

What's more disconcerting is that someone in the forum also mentions the area where I live. Scary.



UPDATE: The story of a story

To win an Olympic medal, looks aren't everything

So last week, I was having dinner with my mother, which nowadays, is an occurrence almost as infrequent as Singapore winning an Olympic medal.

As usual, the topics of conversation were how much her leg hurt, the different physicians she had seen because of her leg and how I should give her more money to pay for those physicians.

Then out of nowhere, she suddenly launched into a rant against Singapore swimmer Tao Li.

“She’s so fat!” my mother said in Mandarin.

“How can you look like her and not expect to lose in the Olympics?”

This was the day after Tao Li had failed to qualify for the women's 100m butterfly final in London, ending her medal hopes.

I never knew my 72-year-old mother was such a sports fan. Or a comedian.

While seated at the dinner table, she started doing the front crawl to demonstrate how Tao Li’s fat little arms were useless in competition.

My mother had never made me laugh so hard before in my life.

That’s the magic of the Olympics. It brings families closer together in the ridicule of defeated sports stars.

I laughed so hard I didn’t have the heart to tell my mother that she got the stroke wrong. (Tao Li's events are the backstroke and the butterfly, not the freestyle.)

Or that 22-year-old Tao Li had done pretty well for Singapore in the past despite her, uh, chubbiness.

But I understood where my mother was coming from.

I once spotted the cherubic swimmer and her colourful hair in the Soup Spoon at Ion Orchard and was surprised by how small she was for a two-time Sportswoman Of The Year award winner.

I couldn’t decide whether to congratulate her on her achievements or put her over my shoulder and burp her.

For the record, Tao Li is 1.6m tall and it would be unchivalrous to mention the lady’s weight.

But she isn’t the only member of Team Singapore who doesn’t quite look the part of a world-class athlete.

I was watching 32-year-old Singapore table-tennis player Wang Yuegu's loss to Japan’s 19-year-old Kasumi Ishikawa in the quarter final of the women's singles competition on TV and wondered, “Why are we sending a beer aunty to the Olympics? Of course, we’ll lose.”



You can't blame the Germans for that.

It’s like when I see people of certain body types (similar to Tao Li’s) wearing the Standard Chartered Marathon 42.195km finisher T-shirt and I'm thinking, “Really?”

Of course, looks can be deceiving. Runners taking part in marathons can come in all shapes and sizes, but I doubt the top finishers look like beer aunties.

Unfair or not, we expect Olympic athletes to look like superheroes, not like us. Gymnasts are supposed to look underage and weightlifters must have ample armpit hair.

You know which local sports figure I think really looked like a world champion? Ang Peng Siong.

I met the former "World's Fastest Swimmer" a few years ago while filming an episode of Phua Chu Kang at the Farrer Park Swimming Complex and he still looked like he could beat me up.



But then I also met another former Singapore swimming great, Joscelin Yeo, on the same day and she also looked like she could beat me up.

(Who knows? Maybe if Junie Sng showed up, she could’ve beaten me up too. I’m staying away from Pat Chan.)

The sad thing is even though they looked the part, Ang and Yeo never won an Olympic medal.

And who finally won a medal for Singapore in 2008 after 48 long years? The beer aunty and her two mei-mei, Li Jiawei and Feng Tianwei.

Once again, looks can be deceiving. So Tao Li still has a chance despite my mother calling her fat.

But since my mother started it, I shall continue to mock the physical appearance of Team Singapore with one last observation.

Did you see the photo of Feng, who won the bronze in the table-tennis women's singles competition last week, posing with the gold and silver medal winners?



How is it that Feng has been a Singapore citizen since 2008 and the other two are from China - and yet all three managed to have the same hairstylist?

You can take the girl out of China, but you can’t take China out of the girl.

(Yes, I know. My mother is funnier.)

- Published in The New Paper, 5 August 2012

UPDATE: The story of a story

Beggar? Busker? Who is this man in Orchard underpass?

Last Sunday evening, I was walking from Orchard MRT station to Shaw Centre and used the underpass.

As I was going down the escalator, I noticed an older man sitting on the floor beside the escalator who seemed to be in distress.

A woman was squatting next to him and a third person was standing a few metres away taking pictures of them.

At first, I thought the man was a beggar because the only people I had ever seen sitting on the floor in the Orchard underpass had been beggars.

But as I walked past the trio, I noticed the man appeared a little too well dressed to be a beggar.

Then I thought maybe he was a busker because the Orchard underpass has long been a favourite haunt for street musicians, perhaps attracted to the acoustics of the tunnels. Ooh, echoey.



And since Singapore Idol is no more, the underpass with its constant flow of captive audiences is the next best thing.



So was the man a busker? But where was his instrument? A busker usually has a guitar or keyboard or something.

A-ha! Maybe he was distressed because he lost his instrument.

And the other two were tourists who wanted to have their picture taken with a Singapore busker even though (or because) he was distressed about losing his instrument?

What a strange thing to do, I thought.

But then I had seen many strange things I don't understand, especially around the Orchard Road area.

I just tried not to stare, kept calm and carried on.

Earlier that day, I saw a group of people playing drums outside Paragon, which I didn't understand. Was Orchard Road not noisy enough already?

I couldn't get away from the loud, hearing-damaging drumming because I had to wait for the traffic light to change before crossing the road.



Then, to my dismay, I saw another group of drummers on the other side of the road getting ready to assault my ear drums. They were everywhere!

So I took refuge inside the Abercrombie & Fitch store at Knightsbride and my eyes were ambushed by the startling sight of a shirtless man at the entrance. He had weird bulges on his body that may or may not be muscles.

I just tried not to stare, kept calm and carried on.

In other words, just another typical weekend on Orchard Road.

The next day, on my Facebook newsfeed, I saw a Stomp picture that looked surprisingly familiar.



It was a picture of the old guy and the squatting woman I saw in the underpass!

The Stomp post was titled “Injured old man crying in pain at Orchard Rd, but no one stops to help”.

Oh, the old man was injured? I didn’t know that. So that was why he was in distress, not because he lost his guitar.

The person who sent the picture to Stomp wrote:

"This poor man was seen lying slumped against the wall at the escalator below Tangs at the underpass leading to Orchard MRT.

“My wife and myself had helped him up a staircase earlier near Tangs as he was limping heavily. He then thanked us and took a rest outside Tangs.”

"Half an hour later, he was on the ground and pleading for help after trying to make his way home. My wife, who is nurse, immediately ran over to help. It seemed that he had fallen down a flight of stairs earlier on.

"No one had bothered to help him when he fell again. He was writhing in pain and was in tears and no one bothered to help him.

"We then alerted SCDF as he had a probable fracture and could not move any further.

"Can you imagine the human traffic flow in the underpass on a Sunday evening? Crowded and yet Singaporeans just continued to pass by totally ignoring his pleas for help.

"The only human that day was a lone foreign worker who had ran off to the MRT control station to seek help.

"Even the MRT staff left the situation to my wife, probably as it wasn't on SMRT grounds.

"When a Ferrari driven by a foreigner crashes, the whole nation comes together blasting the driver.

"When a fellow citizen is down and in need of urgent medical assistance, a blue-collar foreign worker comes to his rescue.

"The best part, countless number people just looked and walked past.

"Where are you, Singaporeans? Minding your own business?"

Whoa! Why do I feel like I’m being scolded?

Yes, I was minding my own business because that was what I had been told to do several times in the past (and rather curtly too). No one has ever said to me: “Don’t mind your own business. Go and mind other people’s business.”

But if I had known the man was injured or heard his “pleas for help”, I would’ve minded his business.

But if I see that someone else is with him, I would assume he was already helped and my assistance is no longer required.

And how did this minor incident become another Singaporeans-versus-foreigners issue?

I find it more troubling that someone would take a picture of the injured man just to send it to Stomp to make the point.

I’m already avoiding sitting on the MRT train lest someone sends a picture of me not giving up my seat to Stomp and accuses me of being unchivalrous.

Now it seems I have to avoid Orchard Road’s treacherous tunnels as well.

- Published in The New Paper, 27 May 2012

Hello there

I read ur article this morning.

It is rather weird that no one stopped to help the injured man. There was no signs of him asking alms or him playing any instrument. How can the crowd be so blind? and that too on a Sunday where Orchard is packed like a can of tuna?

I have been noticing this from young that Singaporeans always put a blind eye when their help is needed. Why? Are all Singaporeans suffering from self esteem issues or are they just heartless?

When a hp rings in the MRT or when someone accidentally drops something, everyone stares at that person. It is just so silly. It is so embarassing that Singaporeans behave in such a uncivilised way.

Another issue i would like to bring about. Singapore is being defined as a diverse, multi-cultural country. I totally disagree.

I have witnessed people giving up their seats to a Chinese old lady but not to an Indian man or lady. So may i ask you, will u help someone with a different race? I hope your answer is yes.

U state in the article that you have been taught to mind your own business. So, you would turn a blind eye when someone is injured or crying in pain? We should never assume that if someone else is with him, then he is safe. We should always be vigilant as that person might one day be our loved ones.

Regarding the Ferrari accident, Singaporeans are just using this as an excuse to drive PRcs out of Singapore. Not all of them are concerned with the taxi driver's death.

It is high time that Singaporeans wake up and realize that humanity is above all values.

I just wanted to express my views.

And one more question before i end. Why is this article under humour? I really do not find anything humorous about a man getting injured.

Reshmel Gill

MY REPLY: Agreed, there's nothing humourous about a man getting injured. But I think there's something peculiar (if not exactly humorous) about people taking a picture of an injured man and sending it to Stomp.

Why I'm not getting a maid (again)

So I was hanging the laundry the other day when I thought to myself, "How many more times do I have to this?"



It’s like every time after I hang one batch of laundry, there will be another batch waiting to be hung, if not on the same day, then on another day.

It's as certain as death and taxes. Because everyone wears clothes. And those clothes have to be washed everyday. And those washed clothes have to be hung and dried.

It never ends.

This is not what I imagined my life to be. I’d rather be playing Angry Birds Space.



I mean I have my own Wikipedia page! I’m too important to be hanging up socks and bras.

Getting a clothes dryer is not an option because from experience, I know that a dryer ruins clothes. My beloved Weird Al Yankovic T-shirt is unwearable because of a damn dryer.

I need a maid.

Too bad my mother is getting too old and her leg hurts so much she has trouble standing.

And my wife would rather be playing Words With Friends.

And my teenage daughter refuses to do anything I say.



So I need to hire a stranger to be my maid. And not just a stranger, but a stranger from another country.

And this foreign stranger will have to live with me and my family in my little HDB flat. Awkward.

And then you read in the news about all these maids who kill or steal from their employers. That's even more awkward.

Yet, despite all the headaches (day off or no day off?) and possible death by strangulation, Singaporeans remain addicted to foreign maids like the maids are to their Bangladeshi boyfriends.

Years ago, I once hired a maid from the Philippines to help look after my daughter when she was a baby.



I remember picking the maid up at the Bukit Timah Shopping Centre agency and I instinctively wanted to help her carry her luggage but then wondered if that was the right etiquette.

What if someone took a picture of me lugging my maid's bag behind her and posted it online? My reputation would be ruined.

Right away, I didn't like that having a maid prevented me from being the naturally kind, considerate and helpful human being that I am.

I had to learn to be a lazy, cold-hearted and suspicious boss who expected everything to be done for him at home and treated the maid as a likely liar, thief and child kidnapper.

Which is kind of paradoxical. How could I not trust someone I hired specifically to care for my baby daughter, the most precious thing in my life?

Then I found out that the maid was married even though the agent had told me the maid was single. So either the agent lied or the maid lied to the agent.

It was a minor thing, but the seed of paranoia had been planted.

Then one day in the maid's room, I found a book that belonged to me. She had taken it without asking. The irony is that the book was the Bible.

Yes, I own the Today’s English Version of Good News Bible, which had not been read since Benjamin Sheares was president. Even though it has pictures in it, I could never get past Genesis.

At least she found some use for it. I let her keep it.

But after the lying and stealing, my wife made sure that the maid didn't have pictures of our daughter to send to her accomplices to plan an abduction.

My wife also quit her computer programming job to stay home and watch the maid, which to me, kind of defeated the purpose of having a maid.

But after a horrific incident where the maid scalded my two-year-old daughter’s fingers so badly the skin peeled off, we eventually took the maid back to the agency after employing her for 18 months.

My wife swore never to hire another maid again. She never went back to work and made me hang the laundry.

I just have to accept that I’ll be doing this for the rest of my life.

Thank the Bible my wife doesn’t mind indoor drying. That greatly reduces the chances of me falling out a window.

Oh, and she can live with not-so-clean windows.

I wonder how my mother’s leg is doing.

- Published in The New Paper, 25 March 2012

Hi

I read your article and it was witty and humorous. Well explained your thought process

Keep writing such articles.

Thanks
Ramesh

Ps so how is your mother's leg?