Still hazy after all these years: Where's our 11 months of 'nice air', Indonesia?

Hello, haze, my old frenemy. I’ve come to talk with you again.

Is it really you or just smoke from the Hungry Ghost Festival?

No, it’s you. You have a distinct odour.

Can I get you a drink?

How about that popular Taiwanese milk tea, Chun Cui He?

No, wait, it has been recalled.

The Straits Times reported that the product could be available in Singapore again after more than a year.You could come and visit us again then.

On second thought, don’t.

No offence.

As you may or may not have noticed, people aren’t very happy to see you.

Actually, it’s more like because of you, people can’t see very much of anything.

And you do stink up the place. Again, no offence. Maybe you can try a new deodorant or breath mints or something.

It’s not a good sign when we can smell you before we can see you.

And you look, uh, as hazy as usual.

How long has it been?

The last time the PSI was in the unhealthy range was October last year. It’s August now. So that makes it 10 months.

Hey, I thought the Indonesian vice-president said we get 11 months.

Mr Jusuf Kalla said last year, referring to the neighbouring countries’ complaints about you:

“For 11 months, they enjoyed nice air from Indonesia and they never thanked us.”

So he owes us one month.

Now I regret going to the website at thankyouindoforthecleanair.com to thank Indonesia for “11 months of clean air”.

But since you’re here, that gives a chance to catch up.

How long have we known each other now? How many years?

Let me read you something:

“The haze over Singapore worsened last night after a comparatively sunny day. By 9pm, practically every part of Singapore was fog bound. Even in brightly-lit streets like Orchard Road and Nicoll Highway, motorists had to drive with full headlights on…

“The meteorological station at Paya Lebar airport reported that visibility was good in the afternoon but deteriorated to poor at about 10pm. Flight movements, however, were normal. A pilot who brought in an aircraft at 11pm reported: ‘There is haze at 3,000 ft, but visibility is still good.’”

That’s from a Straits Times article. Guess when it was published.

I’ll give you a clue.

My favourite song that year was Me And Julio Down By The Schoolyard by Paul Simon, who once wrote a song called A Hazy Shade Of Winter.

Was it about you?



Even though the article could have been written today (well, maybe except for the Paya Lebar airport part), it actually came out on Oct 14, 1972.



More than four decades ago.

My god. How young were we back then?

We had never even heard of PSI.

Or Gangnam Style.

The only mask I wore was when I played Zorro.



We didn’t even celebrate Halloween back then. We were so backward.

But Singapore has come a long way since 1972.

We now have an airport at Changi. We have even won a gold medal at the Olympics.

If you had shown up two weeks earlier, you could have caught Joseph Schooling’s victory parade.



On second thought, it’s a good thing you didn’t.

We have already given him a deferment for his national service so that he can win more medals for us. We don’t want you making him sick.

But for all the advancements Singapore has made in those 44 years, we still can’t get rid of you for good — and by the looks of it, probably never will.

Again, no offence.

Hey, we used to think we would never win an Olympic gold medal too.

So we can still dream.

And if we ever do see the last of you, there would be a parade surpassing even the one for Schooling. We would even put Mr Kalla on the open-top bus.



So don’t say we never thank Indonesia.

But alas, I probably will see you again next year.

It just better not be in less than 11 months.

No offence.

- Published in The New Paper, 28 August 2016

No haze: Today, China-Taiwan summit; tomorrow, Taylor Swift-Katy Perry

Just when you think the haze is finally gone, air pollution of a different kind made the news.

Livestock flatulence.

Last month, something called The Aviation Herald reported that a Singapore Airlines cargo flight had to be diverted because of “exhaust gasses and manure” produced by the 2,186 sheep on board.

The Boeing 747-400 freighter was flying from Adelaide to Kuala Lumpur when the four-member crew received a smoke indication.



The plane was diverted to Denpasar International Airport in Bali for a safe landing. Emergency services did not find any trace of fire, heat or smoke.

The smoke indication was identified to be the result of the gas emitted by the aforementioned sheep.

Oh, sure, blame the innocent creatures. What about the four-member crew? Don’t humans fart, too?

Isn’t it just like homo sapiens to make the sheep the scapegoat?

Well, it is the year of the scapegoat.

SIA has since refuted the report, saying the cause of the smoke indication on the plane is “an assumption being made by media, which is not able to be confirmed”.

Gee, thanks for clearing the air.

Speaking of the haze, it cleared just in time for people to queue overnight for the new Hello Kitty toy at McDonald’s last week.

No? It’s not Hello Kitty?

Is the iPhone 7 out already? Wow, Apple really accelerated its product cycle.

No? Uh… K-pop concert tickets?

Did Mr Lee Kuan Yew die again?

Actually, the long queues were for the Balmain x H&M collection launched in Singapore on Thursday.



Whaaaaaaaaaaaat?

And it’s not even free stuff. A simple wool hat costs $24.90.

You better buy one since we all know how cold the winter can get in Singapore.

Come on, Singapore! Can’t we go back to queueing for something more meaningful?

Like Minion toys.

What a waste of blue skies.

You would think that after months of avoiding going outside because of the haze, we would better appreciate the freedom that clean air gives us and make better use of it.

Instead of standing in line, you could have been taking part in The Urgent Run yesterday at East Coast Park.



Organised by the World Toilet Organisation, the event aims to raise awareness for the need of proper toilets around the world.

You don’t want to be like the sheep on the plane, producing “exhaust gasses and manure” in the cargo bay.

The skies also cleared up in time for the arrival of a very important foreigner in Singapore.

No, not Chinese president Xi Jinping.

Or Taiwanese president Ma Ying-jeou.

Of course, it’s Taylor Swift.

She performed last night at the Singapore Indoor Stadium and will do so again tonight.



We’re all cray cray for Tay Tay.

Some even suspect that the two presidents chose Singapore for their historic meeting this weekend because the Blank Space singer would be here at the same time.



Sixty-six years of bad blood between China and Taiwan? As Swift would say, shake it off.

In your wildest dreams.

Come to think of it, if Singapore can be the venue for such a high-level tête-à-tête between two bitter long-time political rivals, perhaps we can also host a summit between Swift and everyone she has ever “feuded” with.

Like Katy Perry, who just beat Swift to become this year’s highest paid woman in music, according to Forbes magazine.



Swift said in an interview last year:

“For years, I was never sure if we were friends or not. She would come up to me at award shows and say something and walk away, and I would think, ‘Are we friends, or did she just give me the harshest insult of my life?’

“(Then) she did something so horrible. I was like, ‘Oh, we’re just straight-up enemies.’”

So Perry is clearly not a member of Swift’s squad.

Neither is Nicki Minaj, although she and Swift appeared to have made up at the MTV Video Music Awards after their overblown Twitter spat.



But there's still Miley Cyrus. And Avril Lavigne? Maybe... Madonna?

Band-Aids don’t fix bullet holes or snarky sub-tweets.

Imagine all of them coming to Singapore for “peace talks” with Swift. It could be more tense than the China-Taiwan summit.

Our city-state could end up in flames like the explosive climax of Swift’s Bad Blood video.



Talk about fireworks.

And after we just made it through the haze, too.

But it probably still wouldn’t be as bad as 2,186 sheep farts.

- Published in The New Paper, 8 November 2015

Boycott my toilet paper? This is why I shouldn't use my phone when I poop

There comes a time in a person’s life when you have to decide whether to take a stand.

Even when you’re sitting down.

That moment came for me last week when I was sitting on the toilet bowl at home.

After claiming my prize in the daily Piñata Party in the Plants Vs Zombies 2 game on my brand new space grey iPhone 6s, I tapped on Facebook to check for news of nude photos of any other celebrities besides Justin Bieber.

Baby, baby, baby, oh my. He’s certainly not a baby anymore.



I also read on my timeline about a Primary School Leaving Examination (PSLE) maths question that has upset at least one person on Facebook.

The multiple-choice question is, how heavy are eight $1 coins? Is it 6g, 60g, 600g or 6kg?



I would be upset by this question too. It’s not clear enough.

It doesn’t specify whether the coins are the old $1 coins or the new $1 coins even though both types are still in wide circulation.



It would be like asking for the weight of the Acting Minister of Education without specifying which one, now that we have two Acting Ministers of Education.

I would assume that it’s Mr Ng Chee Meng and not Mr Ong Ye Kung, as Mr Ng is in charge of Schools and Mr Ong looks after Higher Education and Skills.



But it would be an assumption and you know what they say when you assume — it makes an “ass” out of “u” and “me” and anyone taking the PSLE.

Speaking of “ass”, I was about to reach for the toilet paper to wipe mine when I read something on my iPhone that stopped me in my tracks.

It was a news report about supermarket chains withdrawing paper products sourced from Asia Pulp & Paper Group (APP).



This comes after the Singapore Environment Council temporarily suspended the use of the Singapore Green Label certification for APP’s exclusive distributor, Universal Sovereign Trading, pending further investigations.

APP is one of five Indonesian companies named by the National Environment Agency as possible contributors to the haze. The Government has sent notices to these firms for possible transgressions of the Transboundary Haze Pollution Act.

Why It Matters: Boycotting haze-causing firmsCan consumers in Singapore make a difference if they really want to? http://str.sg/ZukV
Posted by The Straits Times on Friday, October 9, 2015

Some people want to boycott APP products and urge others to do so too. If you hate the haze, don’t use APP products. One of APP’s products is Paseo toilet paper.

Alamak. That’s the brand of toilet paper in my toilet!

Why couldn’t I have read this after I had wiped myself?

That’ll teach me not to use the phone when I poop.

I don’t even usually get Paseo toilet paper at the NTUC FairPrice supermarket. I usually buy the cheaper FairPrice housebrand.

But one day, I was seduced by the Paseo Elegant four-ply because it was on offer ­­— and it has dolphins printed on it.



I mean, come on, who can resist dolphins?

So I bought three packs with 10 rolls in each pack.

As I sat there in the toilet, I looked at the dolphins dolefully.

What should I do?

Wipe myself with the sea mammals and contribute to the haze?

Or spend the rest of the day with an uncomfortable feeling when I walk?



Should I stop using a company’s products just because the company may have been involved in harmful practices?

Then I looked at my iPhone, which had put me in this buttock-numbing dilemma.

Apple has long been criticised for not doing enough to improve the poor working conditions in the Chinese factories that manufacture the iPhone.



Yet, millions, including myself, still rush to get one every time Apple releases a new model.

Would it be hypocritical of me to take a stand against a company that may have contributed to the haze and not the company that may have not done enough to prevent the exploitation of workers just because the haze is closer to home?

“What do you think, dolphins?” I asked as I flushed them down the toilet.

It’s a relief not to have to walk funny. I still have two more packs of dolphin-print toilet rolls to go.

I wonder how much a bidet costs.

- Published in The New Paper, 11 October 2015

Thanks to Juli Phang, I'm no longer the world’s worst wedding guest (dammit)

Today’s column was almost cancelled because of the haze.

I know reading this column often requires strenuous physical exertion. Just avoid doing it outdoors when the PSI is over 100, especially if you’re a child, elderly, pregnant, have a chronic lung or heart disease, or any combination of the above.

The reason I decided not to cancel is that something happened last week that I want to write about and I feel it is worth risking your health for.

A “beauty” blogger named Juli Phang made headlines when she live-blogged the wedding of her husband’s friend, posting negative comments about the bridal car, the bride’s bouquet and gown.



Ms Phang also took the opportunity to humblebrag on Dayre about how her husband made fun of her when she told him people were looking at her in the bridal car instead of the bride.

You know, because she was more beautiful than the bride.

Besides being narcissistic, Ms Phang also exhibited some mild xenophobia when she wrote: “Why the emcee role must use the restaurant staff?! One Pinoy and one PRC.”

As if she expected to be called out for her mild xenophobia, she added the disclaimer: “I’m not ethnocentric hor, but it’s not like the couple doesn’t have friends what.”



Well, if her point was that the bride and groom should have asked a friend to be the emcee, highlighting the nationalities of the restaurant staff members bolstered her argument not one whit.

Speaking of being “ethnocentric”, that reminds me of another woman who made the news after posting some comments about a wedding.

Almost exactly three years ago to the day, upset by the noise from a Malay wedding in the void deck, Ms Amy Cheong ranted on Facebook: “Void deck weddings should be banned. If u can’t afford a proper wedding, u shouldn’t be getting married.”



The rest, as they don’t say, is her story. Ms Cheong was fired from her job as an assistant director at NTUC and fled the country. She became the poster child for childish postings.

Sure, we’ve had Mr Anton Casey, Edz Ello and others since then, but Ms Cheong was a pioneer, although she doesn’t qualify for the Pioneer Generation Package.

Even Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong commented on her case on Facebook, saying:

“Let us all be more mindful of what we say, online and in person, and always uphold the mutual respect and sensitivity that holds our society together.”

So far, PM Lee has been too busy rearranging his cupboard to comment on Ms Phang’s case, but I think she is even bigger than Ms Cheong — at least globally.

Ms Phang’s infamy spread so far and wide that the New York Daily News said she has been dubbed the “world’s worst wedding guest”.

I was shocked. I thought I was the world’s worst wedding guest.

I have been dethroned.

True, there was never an official ceremony where I was conferred the title. It’s not like I was given a certificate or a tiara or anything.

But I’ve lost count of the number of wedding dinners I’ve attended where I didn’t give a hongbao.



For all her insensitive comments, my guess is that Ms Phang or her husband still handed the bride and groom a red packet containing cash.

That’s what most Singaporeans do.

Except me.

Because as an invited guest, I don’t believe it’s my duty to subsidise anybody’s nuptials. The other suckers can do so if they want.

I scoff at how Singaporeans are so bound by custom that they feel obligated not only to help foot the bill for the wedding dinner, they must also calculate and contribute an amount that commensurates with how expensive the restaurant is.



If that doesn’t make me the world’s worst wedding guest, it should at least make me Singapore’s worst wedding guest.

But then I’ve never live-blogged about how the bride was “drowning in her gown” on her wedding day.



Ms Phang has since removed the offending posts and apologised for them.

As she said on Dayre, the mobile blogging platform where it all started:

“I realise that what I wrote has caused the couple and their families great distress. I am really sorry for the pain and inconvenience I have unintentionally caused, and am doing my best to find ways to make it up to them.”

While she’s doing that, I should work on regaining the “worst wedding guest” title I lost to her. I may even start using Dayre. I just have to figure out how to pronounce it.

Then I need someone to invite me to a wedding.

No outdoor ceremonies please.

You know, haze.

So... anyone getting married soon?

(And can do without the hongbao?)

Send me a card.

- Published in The New Paper, 4 October 2015




EARLIER: Not sure how much hongbao to give for wedding dinner? Don't give!

Recapping The Straits Times Run At The Hub 2015: Haze? What haze?

I ran the 10km instead of the half marathon in The Straits Times Run last year.

This year, there's no 21km half marathon. Instead, it's 18.45km, you know, because The Straits Times was supposedly founded in 1845. Yeah, that makes sense.

Since only 18.45km runners get the finisher's T-shirt, I of course had to join the 18.45km category even though the shirt is rather ugly.



Last week, it seemed the event would likely be cancelled because of the haze. It was quite suspenseful checking the PSI on Saturday night and waiting for the announcement.

But as if someone at SPH was controlling the haze, the PSI compliantly went below 100 for the first time in days just so the ST Run could go on. It was uncanny.

Flag-off was at 5am yesterday near the Sports Hub. My work ended at 1am. I decided to head for the Hub straight from the office, so I didn't get any sleep at all.

I reached the Hub way too early at around 3.40am. I almost fell asleep standing up while waiting for the flag-off at the starting line.



Runners (including myself) taking pictures of the starting line.

The Straits Times editor flagged off the run promptly at 5am. This punctuality surprisingly doesn't happen often enough at the races I've joined.



It was good that in the early part of the race, the route was very wide to accomodate the huge crowd of runners.



Running under the distinctive arches of the Flower Dome at Gardens By The Bay.



The same dome from across the bay many minutes later.



I decided to take my time to survive the long distance and slowed down to almost walking speed after the half-way mark.

Another selfie on the run with the Singapore Flyer in the background.



A runner (sitting in gurney) getting help from an ambulance crew.



One way the ST Run cheat your feelings is that you see the dome and you think you're almost near the finish line, but you actually still have more than 1km to go and you're already limping.





Finally, the tunnel into the dome



The finish line.



My target was to finish the race in under two and a half hours, and I just made it.

It was funny to hear the announcer inside the dome having to keep reminding runners not to take pictures before crossing the finish line.

The danger is if you stop to take photos, you're blocking the way and other runners could run into you.

I wonder how organisers will handle this problem in the future. Will they enforce stricter rules against picture-taking by runners near the finish line? Or will they accomodate this behaviour and find a way to make it safer?



I spotted Mr Teo Ser Luck (Minister of State, Ministry of Trade and Industry and Mayor, North East District) among the runners. He is more bulked up than I thought. He's second from right in the picture above.

I also saw another minister, Mr Lawrence Wong. He is more petite than I thought.



Although the run was supposed to be 18.45k, my running app says it was more than 19k.



I've never felt more pain after a run despite having done two half marathons. I should just stick to 10k or below from now on.

But I've already signed up for the 13km run in The North Face 100 at MacRitchie in two weeks. I've even bought the shoes.

And worn the shirt.



Maybe it will be cancelled because of the haze.

Speaking of which, after the ST Run, the PSI went up again.

Uncanny.


EARLIER: Recapping The Straits Times Run At The Hub 2014

Feelings were cheated: Want a haze holiday? Only if you're not over 16

It was the one good thing that came out of the haze.

And then it wasn’t.

And I’m not talking about Friday being declared a “voluntary non-work day” by the Ministry of Manpower (MOM).

The announcement turned out to be a hoax. Did anyone even fall for it?

Just because we had two extra public holidays this year (Jubilee Weekend, Polling Day), do we assume that public holidays simply fall out of the sky now?

But what made the “voluntary non-work day” announcement so credible was that the Ministry of Education (MOE) had announced on Thursday night that school would be cancelled the next day because of the haze.

Are we so gullible to believe that MOM would care as much about the health of Singapore workers as much as MOE cares about the health of the Singapore school children?

Of course not. But then the “voluntary non-work day” wasn’t even an outright holiday.

According to the fake MOM announcement, civil servants got only half a day off and employers were merely “encouraged” to give their staff a “paid day off”.

I suspect the haze had already “encouraged” a few employees to get an MC anyway.

But you know who can’t get an MC? My wife.

That’s because she’s a stay-at-home mum.

And even though she’s a mum, she’s not under MOM.

But the haze has affected her too.

The one thing she hates most about being a stay-at-home mum is waking up early every morning to get our two teenage children ready for school.

If she doesn’t wake up, the kids don’t wake up. No non-human alarm clock can rouse my children from their coma-like slumber.

Because I work late regularly, I sleep through the whole thing, so I don’t care.

On Thursday night when MOE announced the school closures, no one was happier than my wife. She was going to sleep till noon the next day.

Finally, something good came out of the haze.

Then the other shoe dropped.

She found out that only primary and secondary schools were closed.

My daughter is in Secondary 4 and my son is in his second year of junior college.

So my wife still had to get up early for my son.

She felt like she was hit by a Formula One car driven by Sebastian Vettel near turn 13 at the Singapore Grand Prix.



Why, MOE? Why did you cheat my wife’s feelings like that?

Only I can do that.

Why didn’t you close junior colleges too? Is the haze rated NC16, suitable only for persons aged 16 and above?

It must be because of the obscene PSI readings.

It felt like 2013 all over again.

On Thursday, the PSI was so high that Pizza Hut, McDonald’s and KFC announced that they were suspending home delivery — just like in 2013.

[ SUSPENSION OF DELIVERY SERVICE ] Due to the hazardous conditions caused by the haze, we have temporarily suspended...
Posted by Pizza Hut on Thursday, September 24, 2015

That’s when you know the end is nigh — when you can’t go out to get food because of the haze, and the food can’t come to you.

On the Pizza Hut Facebook page, someone wrote: “No worries, I will order Canadian Pizza.”

Ironically, the next day, when MOE closed the schools, the haze situation apparently improved enough that the food companies resumed their delivery service.

[ RESUMPTION OF DELIVERY SERVICE ] As conditions with the haze have improved, we have resumed our delivery service. Thank you for your kind understanding.
Posted by Pizza Hut on Thursday, September 24, 2015

So did MOE jump the gun? Or Pizza Hut?

Ask the people queueing outdoors for the new iPhone 6s on Friday morning.



Wow, deja vu. I just flashed back to June 2013 when people were queuing for the black Hello Kitty doll at McDonald’s in the haze. I was one of them.

But unlike Friday, schools weren’t closed in 2013 because the haze happened during the June school holidays.

Surprisingly, my son didn’t feel any resentment that he had to go to school on Friday in the haze and his sister didn’t.

My daughter, on the other hand, resented that her chemistry teacher gave her more homework via WhatsApp.

Her teachers weren’t that happy they had to go school on Friday in the haze too. Her history teacher used not one but two crying face emojis in a WhatsApp message to the class.

My wife knows how he feels.

Can teachers complain to MOM?

- Published in The New Paper, 27 September 2015

Complaining about the complaints: Singaporeans get the haze we deserve

I don’t mean to complain, but the haze is back for the second time this year and it’s worse than before.

In March, the three-hour PSI in Singapore hit 106, which is in the unhealthy range.

The National Environment Agency (NEA) released an advisory that said:

“The haziness is likely due to an accumulation of particulate matter in the atmosphere under light wind conditions. Burning activities in the region could have contributed.”

Hmmm, what were these “burning activities in the region” NEA was referring to?

Since this happened in March, it couldn’t be Singaporeans burning stuff for the Hungry Ghost Festival since that takes place around August and September.

Let's blame Indonesia.

On March 3, Jakarta Globe reported:

“Vice-President Jusuf Kalla has denounced neighbouring Singapore and Malaysia for complaining about the severe haze caused every year by Indonesian forest fires.

“He said he took note of the way the neighbouring countries had kept complaining when toxic haze from adjacent areas in Indonesia, Riau in particular, fouled their air.

‘For 11 months, they enjoyed nice air from Indonesia and they never thanked us. They have suffered because of the haze for one month and they get upset,’ Kalla said.”

Jakarta Globe added:

“Kalla said Indonesia has repeatedly and profoundly apologised for the forest fires and for the inconvenience and pollution the haze caused in neighbouring countries.”

Was the Indonesian vice-president right? Should we be grateful for the “nice air from Indonesia” we get the rest of the year?

This wasn’t the first time that someone had complained about our complaints.

In 2010, then Senior Minister Goh Chok Tong reminded Singaporeans to think of the less fortunate. He said:

“It is important that we do not complain too much when we can’t get the house that we want, we can’t get the carpark that we want, when the MRT trains are a little crowded.

“We are in fact quite fortunate. These are problems created by our own success. There are many people who are not able to benefit from our overall success.”

It’s so quaint that when Mr Goh made this speech five years and a gazillion breakdowns ago, all you could complain about the MRT trains was that they were “a little crowded”.

O, Phaik Hwa, Phaik Hwa! Wherefore art thou, Ms Saw Phaik Hwa?

But despite Mr Goh and Mr Kalla complaining about our complaining, we can’t seem to break the habit. It has been our favourite pastime after shopping and eating for too long.



Just over a week ago, after his Reform Party lost the election, Mr Kenneth Jeyaretnam said:

“Singaporeans get the Government they deserve. I don’t want to hear any more complaints.”

I don’t think he means he wants Singaporeans to stop complaining. He just wants Singaporeans to stop complaining to him.

But then why would we complain to him? It’s not like he’s a Member of Parliament and can do anything except compare Singapore to North Korea.

What I infer from Mr Jeyaretnam’s remark is that many people had been complaining to him about the Government, which led him to believe that many were unhappy with the ruling People’s Action Party (PAP) and thus his party had a good shot of winning the election.

When this turned out to be not the case, he understandably felt misled by the complaints and doesn’t want to hear them anymore.

But Mr Jeyaretnam wasn’t the only one blindsided by the election results. Many have given their analysis on why the PAP did so well in the election, but the real question is why no one saw it coming. Not even the PAP.

The answer? All the complaining we do.

As Mr Tan Jee Say of the Singaporeans First party said:

“The results are not consistent with the feedback we’ve heard from the ground, and these results are even worse than what we had expected.”

My guess is that the “feedback” they heard were complaints about the Government. This Complaints Index is probably not the most reliable indicator of how Singaporeans will vote.

So the lesson the opposition parties have learnt here is that just because they hear many complaints about the Government, it doesn’t mean the majority will vote against it.

So it’s their turn to complain about the complaints.

Just like the Indonesian vice-president did six months ago.

Hey, wait. Didn’t Mr Kalla say we get to enjoy 11 months of “nice air from Indonesia”?

But we had the haze in March, August and this month, and the year isn’t over yet. That’s less than 11 months of nice air!

Can we complain now, Mr Kalla?

That is, if Mr Goh and Mr Jeyaretnam are okay with it.

- Published in The New Paper, 20 September 2015

Dark armpits, average penis size and equal-opportunity body-shaming

I have a quick movie trivia quiz for you.

If you know the answer, raise your hand (and show your armpit).

What recent Oscar-nominated movie about Nivea deodorant did Bradley Cooper star in?

Answer: American Sniffer.



What 1992 movie did Sam Raimi direct for Nivea Extra White & Firm Q10 deodorant?

Answer: Armpit Of Darkness.



In the hilarious Facebook video released last week to promote the deodorant starring YouTube personality Maimunah Bagharib, why are people so turned off by her armpits?

Answer: Because of the 50 shades of grey.



Unfortunately, you can't view the video any more to count exactly how many shades there are in Maimunah’s armpits because the video has since been removed after it was criticised for highlighting another body part for women to feel self-conscious about.

The Association of Women for Action and Research (Aware) naturally raised a stink, saying:

“Apparently, having the ‘wrong’ colour of armpit makes you unfit to interact with other human beings. This is supposedly humour — but is promoting shame and insecurity about our bodies a laughing matter?”

I guess it’s safe to assume Nivea isn’t sponsoring the carnival at Hong Lim Park from 4pm to 9pm today organised by Aware to celebrate International Women's Day.

When I first saw the video, I thought it was a spoof of deodorant commercials from The Noose or something.

It just seemed so intentionally ridiculous, like the Indonesian vice-president complaining that no one thanked Indonesia for letting us enjoy 11 months out of the year without the haze.

I mean, dark armpits? Really? That’s a thing people worry about? Talk about First World problems. There are kids starving in Africa with dark underarms.

I couldn't believe someone actually came up with a product to help “whiten” your underarm.

That sounds vaguely racist, Nazi-ish, white supremacist to me. It actually says “extra white” in large letters on the product. Heil, Aryan armpits!

Also, are your armpits so frequently exposed that you care what colour they are?

Blue and black! No, white and gold!

But then I'm not a woman — at least according to my IC — so what do I know?

After all, the Nivea Extra White & Firm Q10 deodorant is targeted at the “fairer sex” presumably to help them stay “fairer”.



I couldn’t possibly understand the pressures that women face to conform to the beauty standards set by society.

Or could I?

Have you heard of Nivea Men?

Yes, men get it too.



After the Nivea armpit video was deleted from Facebook, I tried looking for it on YouTube and instead found another Nivea video about armpits, but this one is a six-year-old instructional video on how to shave your armpits — for men.

“Start with short downward strokes from the top of your armpit,” says a soothing male voice over a hunky guy shaving his armpit in the shower with Nivea For Men Active3, “and then work upwards.”

No, I will not.



Wait, are men supposed to shave our armpits?

Have I been obliviously neglecting this vital aspect of male grooming all my life?

No wonder my wife complains that my armpits smell even after I shower.

But the pressure to match up to the male standard doesn’t end there.

Last week, the results of a scientific UK study to determine the average size of the adult penis were widely reported.



After reading the report in The Straits Times, my wife immediately made me pull down my pants and used a measuring tape to determine the length and circumference of my penis to see how I compare.

To my relief, I wasn’t below average.

Hey, I need something to make up for my unshaved armpits somehow.



On the other hand, a Nigerian woman reportedly divorced her husband because his penis is too big. So I could lose either way.

So women weren’t the only ones made to feel insecure about their bodies last week.

I asked my wife if she ever worried about the hairiness or darkness of her underarm.

She said no. She doesn’t wear sleeveless tops.

Oh. No need for the Nazi-ish deodorant then.

Nivea has since apologised for the deodorant video, saying its intention was “never to demean or hold women to certain standards of beauty”.

But so far, no one has apologised for the average penis size study yet.

By the way, how come we didn’t get a carnival at Hong Lim Park for International Men’s Day last November?

- Published in The New Paper, 8 March 2015