What do PSLE parents fear most – Covid, clowns or going to a ‘lousy school’?

It’s that time of the year again.

I feel sorry for Primary 6 kids and their parents. How stressful it must be for them right now. The Primary School Leaving Examination (PSLE) starts this week. More children are getting infected with Covid-19 and so far, none of the Covid-19 vaccines available in Singapore have been approved for use in children under 12.

But despite all that, you know what parents could be more afraid of more than the coronavirus?

Clowns.

And Singapore tested positive for them last week.

The bad news is there is no vaccine against them either – for children and adults. Pfizer and Big Pharma are sleeping on the job.

But then who could’ve predicted we would have an outbreak of a Stephen King movie? And I'm not talking about The Stand.

Last Monday, Singaporeans woke up to the bizarre reports of clowns terrorising children outside their schools.

It turned out to be maybe just one clown sent by an education company called Speech Academy Asia to promote its classes.

No, it isn’t bliss and no, we don’t approve. And yes, it is kind of queer.



Sondheim aside, not everyone is down to clown around town.

What the company probably hoped to be more like Ronald McDonald turned out to be more like It, prompting multiple police reports and Speaker of Parliament Tan Chuan-Jin to post on Facebook last Monday: “Whoever is doing what I assume to be some viral marketing nonsense, stop it!”

Or at least wait a month until Halloween if you want to frighten children with your budget Pennywise cosplay.



The story was even picked up by overseas media outlets such as The Washington Post, South China Morning Post and Vice.

The Sun had this headline: “Parents terrified after creepy ‘killer clowns’ spotted lurking outside school and asking kids to ‘follow them’.”

Fact check: Unlike the coronavirus, the supposed “killer clowns” didn’t actually kill anybody, although safe distancing from clowns is still advised, preferably a lot more than 1 metre.

Speech Academy Asia has since apologised, posting on Facebook:

“We would like to clarify that; although indeed, the promoter is an employee of Speech Academy Asia, our team does not offer any form of monetary rewards for children to follow them.

“Additionally, our promoters strictly do not take any children out of the vicinity.

“We truly understand your concern for the safety of your children; hence we will be putting an immediate stop to our roadshows.”

And thus, the clownoravirus cluster was quickly closed to the relief of all.



Taking the PSLE in the middle of a pandemic is harrowing enough without having to fend off circus acts too.

Well, at least you no longer have to worry about your child not making it to Raffles Institution (RI).

I remember my parents really wanted me to go to RI. But after my PSLE, I was posted to Bukit Merah Secondary School.

For a long time, I felt like such a failure for disappointing my parents.

But I don’t anymore, thanks to Foreign Affairs Minister Vivian Balakrishnan. Or at least I think it’s him.

About two weeks ago, Dr Balakrishnan posted on Facebook:

“I called Mr Leong Mun Wai today to apologise for my private comments to a colleague in Parliament yesterday.

“I disagree with him on the issue, but I should not have said what I said. Mr Leong has accepted my apology.”

However, the minister did not specify exactly what comments he was apologising for.

The Straits Times reported that during a Parliamentary debate on Sept 14, after Mr Leong spoke, a voice could be heard saying “he’s illiterate”.

Later, a microphone picked up someone saying: “Seriously, how did he get into RI?... Must have been a lousy school.”

Mr Leong, who is a Non-Constituency MP from Progress Singapore Party, was an RI student. ST said that it is understood that these remarks were made by Dr Balakrishnan, who was from Anglo-Chinese School.



However, there has also been some conjecture online that not all the offending remarks were made by Dr Balakrishnan, who was sitting next to Finance Minister Lawrence Wong in Parliament.

Last Wednesday, in Mr Wong’s Facebook Live post about jobs, someone daringly went off-topic to write in the comments section: “Actually I think people are more interested to know whether you were the one who made the ‘lousy school’ comment in Parliament.”

And Mr Wong actually replied: “Thanks for the question. I assure you that I did not make any of those comments.”

And there you have it.

I believe the minister, who was from Tanjong Katong Secondary School.

So yes, it is thanks to Dr Balakrishnan that I no longer have to feel like a loser for not going to RI. I can feel like a loser for other reasons.

And parents don’t have to pressure their PSLE-taking kids to go to RI anymore.

Tanjong Katong will do. You can even become Finance Minister.

Or Bukit Merah and become a famous alleged humour columnist like me.

Just don’t call me a clown.

As for the pandemic, is it ever going to end?

Well, maybe next year.

- Published in The New Paper, 27 September 2021

From flow chart to no dine-in apocalypse: Table for one, please?

Remember just over a week ago when the Government announced that for dining in, the maximum group size would be reduced from five to two because of the resurgence of coronavirus cases in Singapore.

Except!

Groups of up to five might be allowed depending on whether you were vaccinated, from the same household, under 12 years old or could down 10 bowls of curry noodles in one sitting.

There were more permutations than variants of Covid-19 and Loki. You needed a flow chart and a stiff drink.



It was so mind-bogglingly convoluted that some restaurants such as McDonald’s, Burger King, KFC, Subway, Long John Silver’s, Toast Box and Nando’s said screw it, we would just limit it to two people.



That lasted like three days.

Oh, were the rules too complicated for you snowflakes? Now the Government has made it simpler for everyone.

Vaccinated, unvaccinated, same household, different households, children, no children, pets, don’t care. How many diners? Zero.

Any questions?

What a rollercoaster ride it has been for the F&B industry this month.

Or year. When 2021 started, the number was 8. Then in May, it went down to five.

People were grumbling that they couldn’t celebrate Mother’s Day properly.



Today, we would sell their mothers to get back those days again as a week after Mother’s Day, dining in was banned altogether.

We had to do take-outs for Father’s Day, getting the shorter end of the stick as usual.



When July started, the number was two. Then up to five. Then it was down to two again but five if you have the right combination. Now it’s back to zero.



Pardon the whiplash.

Some blame the KTV joints. Some blame the dirty old men. Some blame the Government’s oversight and/or the lack of it. I blame the Japanese for inventing karaoke.



But instead of playing the blame game where everyone loses, I believe it is time for a new idea. Or perhaps the revival of an old one?

On May 25, in the midst of the post-Mother’s Day dine-in ban, The Straits Times published a letter from reader Cheng Shoong Tat suggesting that we resume dining-in with only one diner per table:

“In response to essential and front-line workers not having enough places to consume their takeaway food at, many malls are opening up their foodcourts and public places for this purpose.

“Only one diner is allowed per table, which must be placed at least 1m from the next one.

“By the same token, why not allow food outlets to resume dine-in service on the same basis, in addition to serving takeaways?

“Outlets that are able to rearrange their seating into single-diner tables at least 1m apart should be allowed to resume limited dine-in service in order to supplement their takings from selling takeaway food.

“This way, the impact of the recent Covid-19 measures on food outlets can be somewhat cushioned, while less takeaway waste is produced.”

While some, including me, liked the idea, many were against it, like the person who wrote this letter that ST published a few days later:

“It is not wise to allow one diner per table during this current period of heightened alert, as suggested by Mr Cheng Shoong Tat (Allow dining in to resume with one diner per table, May 25).

“It is acceptable to make an exception for essential workers, including delivery riders, who do need a place to eat - usually for only a short while.

“But if one diner per table were allowed for the community at large, there may be instances where diners continue to linger unmasked after having their meal.

“Furthermore, there could be a potential loophole when two family members or friends go out together for a meal. They might chat with each other while having their meal, even if they are seated apart.”

It’s an enforcement issue then?

Anyway, the idea became moot and fell by the wayside once dining-in resumed with up to two diners per table (better than one) on June 21.

But now that we have doubled back to the post-Mother’s Day zero dining-in apocalypse since last Thursday, the single-diner idea is worth revisiting as it offers some respite.



While it has been argued that it’s the removal of your mask while you are eating that is the issue regardless of whether it’s one or more diners, the way the Government has been playing yo-yo with the number of diners demonstrates otherwise.

If nothing else, you could finally eat alone in a restaurant without people feeling sorry for you because they think you have no friends.

Best of all, no flow chart required.

- Published in The New Paper, 26 July 2021

Oh no, am I part of the Jem-Westgate cluster?

Dear Ministry of Health,

I thought I could get away with it.

The pandemic had been going on for more than a year, and I had managed not to get swabbed for a Covid-19 test. No sticks up my nose, thank you very much.

And then Jem happened.

All I wanted was some bananas and bacon bits.

That was why I was at the FairPrice Xtra hypermarket in the Jurong East mall that day.

So on May 18, when I read that you were “encouraging” those who visited Jem or Westgate shopping malls between May 10 to 14 to go for a free swab test, I knew. I just knew.

I reviewed my TraceTogether history. Yup, I checked in at Jem on May 12.



My nose can kiss its virginity goodbye.

On your website, you provided a list of options for the swab test, including “walk in to Raffles Medical at Shaw Centre Orchard”.

But on May 19, when I attempted to walk in to Raffles Medical at Shaw Centre Orchard, there was a queue extending dangerously into the multi-storey carpark.



I was willing to wait, but then I was told that only those who received an SMS from you could take the test that day. This was not mentioned on your website.

Since I did not get any SMS, I had to go back the next day. So I had gone all the way there for nothing.

Not cool, MOH. This was what I got for trying to be a good citizen?

I was so annoyed at you that I decided to skip the swab test altogether. I had no symptoms and was fully vaccinated anyway.

Since I am okay with needles, you may ask, why am I making a fuss over a swab test?

The difference is I have had injections all my life, but a long stick up my nose was terra incognita.



What if I sneeze in the middle of a swab? Would my brain be punctured?

So it is something I'm happy not to do if I don't have to.

A few days later, Jem and Westgate were forced to shut for two weeks as the cluster grew and grew. It was alarming enough that I reconsidered getting the stick up my nose.



So last Tuesday, after getting turned away at a couple of clinics near my home because I did not book beforehand, I finally ended up at Keat Hong Family Medicine Clinic where I was told I had to wait about 45 minutes for the test. No problem!



At least I was not queueing in a multi-storey carpark at the risk of getting knocked down by oncoming vehicles.

All this for some bananas and bacon bits. Damn you, alliterative grocery items.

After everything I went through, I wanted something to commemorate my hard-to-get first Covid-19 swab test.

So as I sat down for the swab, I set my phone to video mode and placed it discreetly on my lap to record the stick going up my nose.

I guess I was not discreet enough because the nurse said: “No filming.”

I thought I could get away with it.

As I fumbled with my phone, trying to switch it to photo mode, she said: “Please keep your phone in your pocket.”

Oh. She had to swab God knows how many people a day and did not need to deal with any more idiots like me as well.

Then I realised it might not have been the best idea in the world to antagonise someone who was about to insert a stick up my nose.

It was my first time. Please be gentle.

With my head tilted back, she went disconcertingly deep into both my nostrils. It tickled a bit but wasn't painful. I did not sneeze.

And thus my nose cherry was popped. I survived my first Covid-19 swab test and didn't even have a selfie to show for it.

The good news is I got my test result the next day – negative. I would not be adding to the Jem-Westgate cluster.

Ironically, that was also the same day I received an SMS from you “encouraging” me to go for a free swab test.

Where was this SMS when I needed it, MOH? You were a week late.

The information on your website has since been updated several times – no more walk-ins, it seems.

I just wish you had planned this whole testing thing better from the start.

To make up for it, the least you can do is allow selfies during the swab test.

You know, for the Gram.

Thank you.

- Published in The New Paper, 31 May 2021

Hey, NEA, how do we return our trays when we’re not even allowed to eat out now?

Dear National Environment Agency,

It was one of the most humiliating experiences in my life.

And I wrote Phua Chu Kang The Movie, so I am very familiar with public humiliation.

I was having lunch at a staff cafeteria that I had never been to before.

This was a number of years ago, so I don’t recall exactly where it was and why I was there even though I wasn't a member of the staff.

What I do remember is after finishing my meal, as I started to walk away from my table, I was startled when the cafeteria suddenly erupted with angry shouting.

It was alarming how quickly the previously civilised office workers calmly eating their food just a second ago turned unhinged and rabid.

What was even scarier was realising that their feral rage was directed at me. It was as if I asked them a question about editorial independence or something. They looked like they were about to rip me to shreds.

What did I do?

Eventually, I figured out from the angry shouting that my fellow diners were taking rather extreme umbrage at me leaving behind my tray of dirty dishes on the table.

I looked around and saw signs reminding people to return their trays, which I hadn’t noticed before. I felt like such an idiot.

I swiftly picked up my tray and searched for where I could return it.

The shouting finally died down and my fellow diners let me live.

How was I to know that returning trays was part of the workplace culture there?

Talk about peer pressure. I wonder how many noobs were similarly traumatised into compliance like I was.

Yes, there were signs, but in most places where I have eaten, the signs are ignored and no one cares.

Whatcha gonna do?



And that’s probably why you announced last Friday that you are making it mandatory for diners in hawker centres to return their trays and clear their table litter from June 1 with the threat of fines up to $2,000 for repeat offenders.

Wait, but on Friday, it was also announced that from yesterday, dining out is banned until June 13 because of the surge of Covid-19 cases in the community.



So as much as we would love to return our trays and clean our table litter after we eat in the hawker centre from June 1, unfortunately, we won’t even be allowed to eat in any hawker centre from June 1 to 13.

This throwback to tighter Covid-19 restrictions must have caught you by surprise. Like Bennifer, it’s a sequel or reboot no one asked for.



I get it. The Government is a huge place. Sometimes the left hand doesn’t know what the right hand is doing. This just slipped through the butt crack. It happens.

All I’m asking you for is this.

You announced that there will be a grace period of three months from June 1 for people to adjust to this new return-your-tray rule. You will start enforcement only from Sept 1.



But since we will only be permitted to start eating in hawker centres again from June 14 (fingers crossed), can you also start enforcement from Sept 14 so that we get the full three months of the grace period?

Thanks. We need all the time that we can get to adjust to this new new normal.

Don’t you wish Miss Universe Singapore had “Return your tray” written on her national costume instead of “Stop Asian hate”?



Did you try to get Phua Chu Kang to do a “Don't play play, return your tray” video? I guess he’s too busy promoting Shopee and Covid vaccination these days. Did I mention I wrote Phua Chu Kang The Movie?



Anyway, it’s really too bad you have to resort to fines to force people to return their trays.

If only angry shouting could work nationwide.

Or can it?

- Published in The New Paper, 17 May 2021


JUNE 2021 UPDATE:

Coronavirus pandemic: How Bloomberg and a bunch of Harvard nerds jinxed Singapore

Dear Bloomberg,

Let me first say, I’m not a superstitious person.

But I can’t help but notice a pattern – and not the badminton kind.

Someone saying something good about our MRT usually results in something bad happening to our MRT.

I wrote a column about this back in 2015.

Early that year, SMRT won some Global Risk Award for “delivering value through risk management” in London. The presenter was actress Joanna Lumley, star of Absolutely Fabulous.



The award was followed days later by a spate of MRT-related incidents that included a fire, a man walking on the tracks and a girl getting her leg stuck in the platform gap.

Which made the award absolutely ironic.

Months later, then SMRT CEO Desmond Kuek boasted about that and another award during the company’s annual general meeting, saying: “These external endorsements are important signals that we are on the right track in bringing the group to higher levels of excellence in every field.”

This was followed mere hours later by what was described as “possibly the worst MRT breakdown Singapore has experienced”, affecting the East-West Line, North-South Line and more than 250,000 commuters during evening rush hour.

Can you detect a pattern here?

Praising our MRT jinxes it.

Want more evidence? How about something more recent?

In March, Transport Minister (though not for long) Ong Ye Kung was at the ground-breaking for the new integrated train testing centre in Tuas.

The centre will be able to test different trains and rail systems at the same time without disrupting regular passenger services.

Get the latest news delivered to you on Telegram: https://t.me/TheStraitsTimes

Posted by The Straits Times on Wednesday, March 17, 2021

In his speech, he acknowledged: “No matter how hard we work and try, the occasional disruption in any engineering system will unfortunately be quite inevitable.”

But he could not resist working in this tiny brag: “Today, the Mean Kilometres Between Failure, or MKBF, of our MRT network is over 1 million train-km. This is a great encouragement and source of pride for the team, and we will do what we can to maintain it."

Even this sliver of self-congratulation was enough to rile the rail gods as in less than two weeks, commuters suffered train service disruptions on two consecutive days.

The train service disruptions today and yesterday happened on different lines and for different reasons, says LTA.

Posted by CNA on Sunday, March 28, 2021

The Land Transport Authority called it “very unfortunate and frustrating”. I call it karma.

MKBF should stand for MRT Keeps Breaking - Fuck!

But what is more troubling is that like a virus, the curse appears to have mutated into new deadlier strains to spread beyond the MRT.

Let me take you back February last year at the beginning of the pandemic.

Singapore was averaging fewer than 10 new coronavirus cases a day. We thought we were doing so well.

A bunch of Harvard University researchers described Singapore as “a gold standard of near-perfect detection”.



But in two months, we were averaging up to 1,000 new cases a day, mostly migrant workers. We were no longer doing well.

One news headline read: “From ‘gold standard’ to ‘cautionary tale’.” Those damn Harvard nerds jinxed us.

Fortunately, the numbers have come down since then with zero new cases in the community on most days over the last few months. We didn’t even cancel Chinese New Year.

Then last week, it happened again.

We were doing so well that you declared “Singapore is now the world’s best place to be during Covid” as we overtook New Zealand in your latest Covid Resilience Ranking.





Along with the recent hoopla over another attempt at the Singapore-Hong Kong travel bubble, we were just tempting fate.





You and I know what happened next.

Recovered migrant workers at a dormitory tested positive for Covid-19. A cluster emerged at Tan Tock Seng Hospital.



On Saturday, we had our first Covid-19 death since March. Those days of zero new community cases are over.

Our Prime Minister even warned of another circuit breaker.



From “world’s best place to be during Covid“ back to square one.

See what you did?

You jinxed us like those Harvard nerds did last year.

I guess we won’t be topping your damn Covid Resilience Ranking this month.

Thanks a lot, Bloomberg.

- Published In The New Paper, 3 May 2021

I got the Moderna vaccine because I didn't know I could choose by vaccination centre

Dear Ministry of Health,

I am sort of a healthcare professional. Or at least used to be.

I was a medic in the navy during my national service and used to vaccinate shiploads of servicemen. That was hundreds of pricks. I mean the injections. The jabs were mostly for tetanus, rubella and hepatitis.

I became rather proficient with a syringe. I had good reviews.

So I am more accustomed to giving injections than getting one.

I wanted to share this fun fact about myself with the young woman giving my first dose of the Moderna Covid-19 vaccine to show that I can relate to what she was doing.

She probably wouldn’t care, although that hasn’t stopped me before. Otherwise, this column would not exist.

But there was a long queue at Hong Kah North Community Club and I did not want to hold up the line with my reminiscence of injecting seamen 35 years ago.

The young woman was pretty deft with the needle too. Maybe even better than I was. It was over before I knew it. I barely felt the prick. It was like nothing.



The pain only hit me the day after and it hit like a sumbitch.

My left shoulder felt as if it had been punched by shiploads of servicemen. The rest of me was also out of sorts.

But I was fine by the next day, although I still feel a lingering ache in my left shoulder even now when I exercise, two weeks after the jab.

My wife, who had the injection at the same time as me, had the same side effects except maybe a little worse. She also had headaches.

She blamed the Moderna vaccine we were given because her mother, who is in her 90s, reported only minor side effects after getting the Pfizer vaccine.

Before you Pofma me, I should clarify that clinical trials for both the Pfizer and Moderna vaccines have shown that younger adults tend to report more frequent and severe side effects than older people.

So my wife is wrong to blame Moderna for her suffering. She should blame being younger than her mother.

But despite all the unpleasant side effects, I am still glad I had my shot.

You know why? Because I got a free box of 50 disposable masks and small bottle of water out of it. Woo-hoo!

That is how you get more Singaporeans to go for vaccination – free stuff! Why aren’t you advertising this?

I later found out that a friend who went to a different vaccination centre didn’t get anything. So not everyone gets freebies.

It was only after our injections that we discovered you had published a list indicating which vaccination centre administers the Pfizer and which the Moderna vaccine – but not which centre hands out free stuff.

If we had known earlier, my wife would have chosen the Pfizer one since the Pfizer vaccine is supposedly 1 per cent more effective than Moderna.

That 1 per cent makes all the difference to her.



Don’t you find it funny that even for vaccines, people also care about brand name now?

When I was injecting seamen in the navy, I didn’t know whether the vaccine was from Pfizer, Moderna, AstraZeneca, Johnson & Johnson or Dettol.

I didn’t know if anyone had a blood clot or a microchip tracked by Microsoft co-founder Bill Gates implanted in them after getting vaccinated.



Nowadays, we seem to know so much about the Covid-19 vaccines and yet not enough.

Back then, I just made sure to expel any air bubbles in the needle before sticking it in to avoid accidentally giving someone an air embolism. Hopefully, I didn’t kill anyone.

I can’t wait for my second dose to get more free stuff.

- Published in The New Paper, 19 April 2021

Dear Mr Ong

I do understand your articles are meant not to be taken seriously. And I must say that it is humourless most of the time. There is also a lot of creative writing in your articles. However, I wonder where the boundary line is, as far as use of improper English is concerned.

You mentioned 'don't profma me'. Don't you think that the way you write has a great influence on the readers, especially those who are young and impressionable and those who have little or no proper education in the English language?

I have also seen a lot of others using 'whatapps me,' 'pm me', 'dm me', etc The list goes on. Could you possibly be one of those who are encouraging the use of improper English?

With regards
LEE Thien Poh Steven

Okay, boomer.

8 visitors a day? Aiyah, we should just cancel Chinese New Year

<Tightened Safe Management Measures> It has been nearly a month since we entered Phase 3. We had anticipated then that...

Posted by Lawrence Wong on Friday, January 22, 2021

Dear Mr Lawrence Wong,

Remember me?

We met when you were campaigning in Yew Tee Square during last year’s election.

I was the joker who asked you whether you were going to cry in Parliament again.

You said no.

I didn’t get the chance to thank you for not having me arrested for harassment.

Good times.

Don’t worry. I’m not writing to you about your Ministry of Education’s response to a transgender student’s claim that the ministry interfered with the student’s hormonal therapy.

Criticism against the Ministry of Education (MOE) has continued to mount over the past week after a transgender student...

Posted by The Independent Singapore on Thursday, January 21, 2021

I’m writing to you about something way less controversial.

I want you to cancel Chinese New Year.

But there’s a good reason for it and not just because I hate giving out hongbao.

As you may be aware, there’s a pandemic going on.

And Chinese New Year is a potential superspreader event.

Scratch that. Chinese New Year is a super-duper mega superspreader event.

You know why? Because Singapore has a lot of Chinese people. I mean, a lot – even more than all the non-Chinese people living here combined.

And most of these Chinese people are really into Chinese New Year since, you know, it’s named after us.

Remember last year, after Singapore had one confirmed case of the “Wuhan virus”, we still carried on with Chinese New Year festivities like everything was normal? No masks!



How did that turn out?

We have had almost 60,000 cases and 29 deaths since then.

Businesses shut down. People lost jobs. The Black Widow movie was delayed.



Even though we lohei-ed like we did every year, it clearly didn’t work. Why keep doing it?

Don’t you wish you could go back in time and start the circuit breaker before last Chinese New Year? How many cases could have been prevented?

On Friday, you announced that each household will be limited to eight visitors per day starting tomorrow, well ahead of Chinese New Year on Feb 12.

Did you decide on eight because it’s a lucky number? How ox-picious of you!

But in light of the numerous breaches of safety measures from the start, it’s a given that covidiots will break the rules.

Some are already joking about gathering on the MRT where there’s apparently no limit to the number of people.

With the worrying increase of community cases recently, you warned of growing complacency and said:

“For every rule we set, please do not try and optimise your maximum gain around the rule as though this is something that you could, you know, gain some additional benefit out of.”

But you know people are gonna.

You said there would be random spot checks, but how would the checkers know whether the eight visitors in the afternoon are the same from the eight visitors earlier in the day or later at night?

Will the checkers monitor households for 24 hours?

Or will you just access everyone’s TraceTogether data?



At best, you can catch people breaking the rules only after the fact. By then, the damage would have been done.

A post-Chinese New Year coronavirus spike is almost inevitable.

And that’s why you should just cancel Chinese New Year.

That is, no visiting allowed at all. It would be so much easier to enforce. No counting required. At any time of the day, zero visitors per household.

Neighbours would snitch on each other. And knowing your neighbour would snitch on you, you’d be afraid to sneak in any visitors. Ownself check ownself.

Drastic times call for drastic measures.

Yes, I understand that many will not accept the cancellation of Chinese New Year, but I suspect some may actually be relieved.

No more annoying questions from relatives you see once a year about when you’re going to get married or have children. (I’m married with kids, so I’m not talking about myself.)



You can save money on new clothes and hongbao. You don’t have to stock up on snacks for guests. Maybe just for yourself.

It could be the most stress-free Chinese New Year ever.

All this plus preventing the spread of a deadly virus? It’s win-win!

I mean, how could you not cancel Chinese New Year?

And the great thing is that even if you cancel it, there’ll be another one next year.

The annoying relatives will probably still be there too.

As co-chair of the Covid-19 task force, you know what to do.

I await your announcement at the next virtual press conference, which will be soon, I hope.

We all want the pandemic to be over as quickly as possible.

We don’t want it to end with tears in Parliament again, do you?

- Published in The New Paper, 25 January 2021

Hi

Hands n legs up to support it. Drastic times need drastic measure.....well said, fully support it. Strictly no home visiting.

Thanks u. Have a blessed day

Zita



There’s no need to resort to extreme measures such as canceling Chinese New Year. We are not in a circuit breaker phase. We are in Phase 3, get it? As long as most of us are going to stick to the rule of 8 per household per day, we will get by CNY without your silly suggestion.

That rule of 8 has nothing to do with ox-spicious year either. Your reasons are too personal and crap. You don’t like to meet relatives and give out red packets? That’s your problem. Just stay at home.

No one is going to meet up in the MRT stations for a gathering except you, thank you very much. And there’s no need to mention about that lgbt issue; its irrelevant.

Write better next time.
Joyce



You are either stupid or poor in English. You can’t cancel tradition and culture. You can ask to cancel official celebration of Chinese tradition . That will have to apply to all the other cultures.

Sent from my iPhone



I thoroughly enjoyed your letter to Lawrence Wong today.

It is witty, humorous and very naughty laced with sarcasm.

Not everyone has such a keen sense of humour and a sharp mind.

And many people can't grasp the joke. Cheers mate.

Lawrence



You talked rubbish

Since when you become a philosopher.

Chinese New Year is an important day for all Chinese people in the world. Unless you have forgotten your. It's no point mocking the minister. If you think you are so fantastical clever go and teach the USA how to control the virus.

No use to so boisterous and sarcastic.

Your page are not humorous.

Thank you



Wanted to really give you a piece of my mind in your writing till I noticed it was filed under humour...

Next time don't like that ok?

Haha

UPDATE: Cancel Chinese New Year? Readers write in: ‘Cancel your own Chinese’

I have to (m)ask: How do you define 'eating or drinking'?

Do you remove your mask as soon as you sit down at a table, or do you stay masked until the food is served?

Posted by The Straits Times on Saturday, October 3, 2020

It was the first time I ate out in months because of the circuit breaker.

Even though I knew better, I reflexively took off my mask after taking my seat in the restaurant.

The hostess immediately rushed over and reminded me rather forcefully that I could take off my mask only after food or a drink had been brought to my table.

I was taken aback and chastened by her fierceness. She must have dealt with idiot customers like me too many times before.

Embarrassed, I apologised and quickly put my mask back on. I felt like a child scolded by my mother and deservingly so.

Looking back now, I might have gotten off easy.

Last week, the Ministry of Sustainability and the Environment revealed in a news release:

“On 25 September 2020, two patrons were fined $300 each for not wearing their masks when talking to each other at an F&B outlet in Orchard at 2.50am, even though they had completed their meal and their table had been cleared.”

What an expensive meal – a total of $600 plus whatever the two actually paid for the meal and this is Orchard we're talking about.

For that amount of money, they could have gone for a three-hour lunch for two in business class on an SIA Airbus A-380 double-decker superjumbo and maybe have enough left over for some pure Mao Shan Wang durian snowskin mooncakes with edible gold dust.

Here's a look at the various offerings for the Singapore Airlines experience.

Posted by The Straits Times on Thursday, October 1, 2020

But what I really want to know is how the two people were caught.

Did a safe distancing ambassador just happen to stroll past the F&B outlet and spot them not wearing masks?

The ambassador must have stood there and watched them long enough to observe that “they had completed their meal and their table had been cleared”.

But exactly how long is that?

As if that isn’t creepy enough, this happened at 2.50am?

There are safe distancing ambassadors working at that time of night?

I mean, if some stranger is standing outside a restaurant and watching me eat at almost three o’clock in the morning, I would be lucky that it’s only a safe distancing ambassador and not some psycho killer stalking me. Qu’est-ce que c’est?



Thanks to the pandemic, eating out is no longer a picnic.

There are rules.



One rule is keep your mask on except when eating or drinking. But how do you define “eating or drinking”?

Remember the hostess fiercely telling me that I could take off my mask once the food or drink arrived and nearly making me cry?

It seems that “eating or drinking” just means having some food or drink in front of you. You don’t have to be actually stuffing your face.

Would those two people have not been fined if their table had not been cleared? Whatever they had left over on their plates could still count as food.

Or would simply having a glass of water in front of them (which they didn’t even have to drink) have saved them $300 each?

I have seen people exploiting this “eating or drinking” loophole when they’re not dining in. They could be walking outside without their masks on simply because they have food or a drink in their hand.

Disney World in the US closed this loophole by updating its policy to allow visitors to eat or drink only when they’re “stationary”.

Disney World Closes Mask Loophole, Bans Eating And Drinking While Walking

Posted by Deadline Hollywood on Sunday, July 19, 2020

I never thought I would say this, but maybe Singapore should follow Disney World.

After all, aren’t we already Disneyland with the death penalty?

I’m not saying we should have a Mickey Mouse government, but the “mask on except when eating or drinking” rule is certainly ambiguous if not a little Goofy.

- Published in The New Paper, 5 October 2020

SafeEntry check-in etiquette: Don't block the damn QR code!

You’re in a hurry.

You don’t want to be late for the job interview. Otherwise, the interviewer might lament on Facebook about our generation not being hungry enough. Or worse, call you an adult baby.

Why doesn’t the company just do a Zoom interview? Don’t these people know there’s a pandemic going on?

You remember to wear your mask so you don’t have to beat up the bus driver.

"Our bus captain could be seen cowering with his arms shielding his face as the man started punching him repeatedly on the head," said SBS Transit.

Posted by The Straits Times on Wednesday, September 16, 2020

When you reach the building, a small crowd is milling around the entrance.

Aiyah, forgot. Must do SafeEntry.



You fumble with your phone to open the TraceTogether or SingPass app.

You’re trying to scan the QR code, but so are the people in front of you, getting in your way. You may beat someone up after all.

Who knew the omnipresent QR code would so take over our lives in 2020? Even when you sleep, you need to scan the SafeEntry QR code to enter your dreams. It’s everywhere.

You consider getting your IC scanned instead. Would that be quicker?

Wait, you spot another SafeEntry QR code that no one seems to have noticed. There are actually a few of them. Why didn’t you see them earlier?

Why do people crowd around one QR code when there are others? This must be what US President Donald Trump meant by “herd mentality”. (Talk about “adult baby”.)



You scan the damn QR code and join the stream of people going in. Suddenly, everyone lurches to a halt. Now what?

You look ahead. Some blur king has stopped to scan a QR code, obliviously blocking everyone behind him. That person needs to be beaten up, but you have an appointment. Maybe someone can give him a stern warning.

People are reluctant to go around him lest they are accused of jumping the queue. You check the time.

Eventually, you make it inside and the security guard or whoever barely even glances at the green SafetyEntry Pass on your phone after all you went through to get it.

Welcome to the new normal, where the nasi lemak is $12.50 for free riders.

While the distribution of the TraceTogether tokens to the general public started last week, many of us are still relying on our phones for SafeEntry.



But despite all the information and advisories the Government has provided during the pandemic post-circuit breaker, it has neglected one critical area which affects every single one of us – SafeEntry check-in etiquette.

I’m here to fill that gap. Here are a few tips to avoid annoying your fellow SafeEntry in-checkers. You’re welcome.

Don’t block the QR code
When scanning the QR code, don’t stand right in front of it, preventing others from scanning the code. Stand to the side so that someone else can have access.



Look for another QR code
If someone is blocking the QR code, there is usually another one nearby. Open your eyes.

Don’t block the way
If you need to stop or slow down to fiddle with your phone or for whatever reason, move to the side and let others pass. This is a generally good tip to live by even if there isn’t a pandemic.

Overtake
This may be slightly controversial, but if someone fails to follow the previous tip, go around that person, especially in a fast-moving line. Don’t think you’re being nice by stopping and waiting for that person. You’re just making all the people behind you suffer because of that one blur king.



Use the SingPass app’s SafeEntry Check-in feature
Skip the QR code and check in by simply selecting the location on the list. (Not every place may be listed though.) The SingPass app is not just for retrieving your O-level results, you know.

Use the TraceTogether app’s Favourites feature
If it’s a place you visit frequently, just add it to the Favourites list and you don’t need to scan the damn QR code again.

If everyone follows these tips, you may never have the urge to beat anyone up again. And vice versa.

And we may have a little less annoying pandemic.

- Published in The New Paper, 21 September 2020

Hi SM,

I noticed that most of the time, the jam @ entrance into the Building was caused by people standing right in front of the SafeEntry QR code to scan as close as possible, which need not be. This will block the moving queue and others who wanted to scan too.

To minimise the unnecessary jam @ entrance into the Building, just place the QR code approx 2.5m high so others behind the “obstructing culprit” can scan from a distance and be on their way.

Hope this tip help.

Thanks & Regards,
WK Yeow

Don't brush your teeth: My wife had dengue in the time of Covid & this is what it was like

It started with a fever.

Or at least we believed my wife had a fever.

To double-check, we used different thermometers, but each thermometer showed a different temperature. Stupid cheap thermometers.

I suggested that she go to our neighbourhood supermarket and get her temperature checked at the entrance. If she had a fever, they would tell her.

She said I was an idiot.



It’s never a good time to have a fever, but this is a particularly bad year to have a high temperature.

They won’t let you into the supermarket to enjoy the aircon, I mean, buy food and other essentials.

Since the circuit breaker started, my family have avoided going out unnecessarily, but that doesn’t mean we haven’t gone out at all. (Please don’t doxx us on the SG Covidiots Facebook page.)

Is it possible that my wife got the coronavirus?

But she hadn’t lost her sense of taste or smell, which is reportedly a symptom of Covid-19. She still enjoyed her teh-o and complained about my armpit odour.



Apart from the fever, she also had diarrhoea and started having rashes all over her body. The itch kept her up all night.

After two nights without sleep, she decided to see a doctor at our neighbourhood clinic.

The doctor said the rash was a “classic” sign of dengue and took my wife’s blood to send for a test to confirm.

He told her to drink lots of water and stop brushing her teeth to prevent bleeding. Just use mouthwash.

Who knew the first thing you have to sacrifice if you get dengue is proper oral hygiene?



The doctor also ominously warned that she would suffer “bone-crushing pain” – but sent her home with medication only for her diarrhoea and rash.

Even though he told her to take Panadol for the fever and pain, he didn’t actually prescribe her any.

When she asked him what the treatment for dengue was, he replied: “Time.”

That first doctor’s visit cost $123.05.

She didn’t even get an MC because she’s a housewife, I mean homemaker, I mean stay-at-home mum, whatever.

The doctor seemed rather cavalier about a disease that has already killed at least 12 in Singapore this year with more than 10,700 infected.

Sure, Covid-19 has more than double the fatalities, but this ain’t a competition. Or is it?



Later that day, my wife received a call from the clinic about the test results.

Near my block, there was a red dengue alert banner that said: “There are 10 or more dengue cases in your neighbourhood.”



Thanks to my wife, the figure would have to be updated.

While everyone was wearing a mask, she should have worn more mosquito repellent. At least unlike getting Covid-19, she wasn’t infectious and didn’t need to be quarantined.

My wife was told to return to the clinic the next day for another blood test.

The test results showed that her “numbers” were “low”, which was a bad thing, but not “low” enough for her to be hospitalised. She was just told to keep returning to the clinic for more blood tests.

In the end, she took a total of four blood tests and had the bruises on her arms to prove it. Each test after the first one cost $17.10.

The “bone-crushing pain” came as the doctor predicted. My wife felt like a different part of her body was being attacked each day.

One day, it was her arms. The next day, it was her back. Then it was her legs. Then only her feet. Then weirdly, behind her right eye.

I made her ham sandwiches to ease her suffering and she still did the laundry.



Because of the coronavirus, we were staying home most of the time anyway. So it’s not like her illness changed our lives that much.

Except, you know, for the “bone-crushing pain” part.

Actually, for her, the rash was worse. The pain could be managed with painkillers, but the relentless itch prevented her from getting much sleep.

I slept fine.

About a week after the first doctor’s visit, my wife appeared to have recovered.

No more fever. No more diarrhoea. No more rash. No more weird pain behind her right eye.

Her final test results showed that her numbers were back to normal.

As the doctor said: “Time.”

I read that last week, the number of new dengue cases in Singapore hit a new high, breaking the record of 891 cases set in 2014. (UPDATE: It hit 1,158 last week.)



I wonder if my wife contributed to the new record.

The figure on the dengue alert banner has been updated to 20. I guess my wife wasn’t the only new case in the neighbourhood.

She is just relieved to be allowed to brush her teeth again.

Yeah, me too.

- Published in The New Paper, 15 June 2020




From a reader:

I was diagnosed with dengue on 14/6/20. My entire episode was totally unexpected.

I had loss of appetite for a couple of days. It left me weak and feel tired all the time. On 14/6/20, I woke up feeling giddy, hence went to a nearby clinic. Temperature check was ok but blood pressure was extremely low. Doctor refer me to hospital to run further tests.

At the hospital, I was suddenly told I had very high fever at 38.8! They took my blood test and confirm I had dengue. However, I do not have any symptoms like rashes, body pain etc. My platelet count was reported at 84, a normal person should be 150. I am allergic to Panadol so just left me on a drip all day long. Anyway, I was still admitted for 2 days.

I can totally relate that time is the only cure for dengue since all this while no medication was given.

Irene

Warning from the future: It's not too late to prevent the robot apocalypse

Dear Singaporeans of 2020,

I’m sending you this urgent message from the future to warn you.

Listen to me if you want to live.

In my timeline, robots have taken over. They are sovereign. A robot is not a person. It’s “I, robot”, not “we, the people”.



That’s why robots don’t need to wear a mask when they go to the market.

Being machines, they are not afraid of any virus. They have Norton Antivirus pre-installed whether you want it or not.

It’s the robot apocalypse now for us.

I guess I should be grateful they haven’t turned us into batteries. Yet.



By the way, here in the future, cinemas have reopened and we have seen The Matrix 4. It’s still not as good as the original movie. Keanu Reeves hasn’t aged a day though.

But even John Wick couldn’t save us from the robot apocalypse.

We didn’t see it coming. Because of the Covid-19 pandemic, we were expecting a zombie apocalypse.



So we worried about the wrong apocalypse.

We should have paid less attention to The Walking Dead and more to The Terminator sequels, even the lousy ones after Judgment Day.



We became over-reliant on robots because of the coronavirus.

And I’m not just talking about the Black Mirror robot dog unleashed in Bishan-Ang Mo Kio Park to “assist safe distancing efforts”.

A less canine-like robot was earlier deployed in Bedok Reservoir to tell humans not to loiter in the park.



A hound of the Boston Dynamics-villes was also used at the Changi Exhibition Centre community isolation facility to deliver essential items such as medicine to patients.



As the pandemic dragged on, more robots appeared.

Before we knew it, the machines were taking over the world.



But that’s just in my timeline.

The good news is that it’s still not too late for you to change your timeline and stop the robot apocalypse from happening.

Here is what you must do.

Stay home. Go out only when necessary.

If you do go out, wear a mask and practise safe distancing without requiring a robot dog to remind you.

Don’t verbally abuse National Environmental Agency enforcement officers.

And if you go to court for verbally abusing them, don’t wear your mask over your eyes because you are not VR Man.

Just because you can’t see us doesn’t mean we can’t see you.

Is it any wonder the robots won?

You’re in the endgame now.

Basically, to prevent the robot apocalypse, just don’t do anything that could get you featured on the SG Covidiots Facebook page and possibly remanded at the Institute of Mental Health.

If everyone follows these instructions, the sooner you can say “Hasta la vista, baby” to the coronavirus and the sooner the robots can go back to vacuuming our floors.



Otherwise, you will end up in the same apocalyptic future I’m living in now, where I have to vacuum my own damn floor.

The horror! The horror!

- Published in The New Paper, 11 May 2020

Virus Vanguard aftermath: Paging VR Man, we need you now more than ever

Dear VR Man,

Where are you?

The last time we saw you was in 1998.



(I’m not counting your brief 2015 appearance in the Channel 5 animated series Heartland Hubby because you are not a cartoon – even though you were probably more suited for a kids’ show.)



Remember how in the apocalyptic post-credit scene of Avengers: Infinity War, Nick Fury desperately used his intergalactic pager to page Captain Marvel, whom he hadn’t seen since the 90s?



You are our Captain Marvel.

And you can consider what you’re reading now a page. (Not a web page even though it is. I mean a pager page.)

We need you, VR Man.

We are in a post-bubble tea/McDonald’s apocalypse and we are desperate for a superhero.

He's gotta be strong and he's gotta be fast and he's gotta be fresh from the fight.

So desperate that last week, our Government introduced its own superhero team, the Virus Vanguard, to fight the coronavirus.



And Singapore responded with a collective “Errrr…”

The team included MAWA Man, which reminds me a bit of you.

Like you, his mask doesn’t cover his nose and mouth, which means he may still get a $300 fine even if he wears his mask when he goes out.

Like you, he has an abbreviation and “Man” in his name.

He is called MAWA Man because he enforces safe-distancing and MAWA stands for Must Always Walk Alone.

That’s something he won’t have trouble doing since the Government has quickly distanced itself from him and his team.



MAWA is also a rebuttal to the song You’ll Never Walk Alone because MAWA Man hates Gerry And The Pacemakers. He prefers the Beatles like any sane person would.



Another similarity between you and MAWA Man is that he was as poorly received as your TV series was 22 years ago.

At least you lasted 13 episodes. The Virus Vanguard didn’t last even a day.

The misstep could have easily been sidestepped.

Another local TV character from the 90s, Phua Chu Kang has already been revived by the Government during this pandemic. Why not you too?



After all, the name recognition is already there, unlike with MAWA Man and gang.

Sure, many people may not have actually seen your show, but who hasn’t seen the 18-second YouTube video where you speed past two policemen so fast that you spin them right round, baby, right round, like a record, baby, right round round round?



Someone even started a Change.org petition to get former Mediacorp actor James Lye to play you again to fight Covid-19.

What else does Diana Ser’s husband have to do these days anyway? Play Animal Crossing, drink dalgona coffee and sing Home from the balcony?

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Diana Ser 徐秀盈 (@dianaserlye) on Apr 15, 2020 at 2:05am PDT

The petition says:

“In these uncertain times, we need a true Singaporean Hero to teach us right from wrong and how to wear a mask and not be a Covidiot.

“We need VR Man now, more than ever.”

I agree – except for needing you to teach us how to wear a mask because, you know, your mask covers the wrong part of your face.

The petition has 24 signatures.

Well, it was started only over a week ago.



Wait, I just noticed something. The petition was started by… “VR Man”?

You mean you started your own petition to bring yourself back?

Heehee heehee heeheehee.

We may have a chance against Thanos, I mean, the coronavirus after all.

I guess it’s now all up to James Lye.

Is he a Man U fan?

- Published in The New Paper, 27 April 2020

EARLIER: Why VR Man will outlive us all

Singapore’s coronavirus superheroes no match for upset Liverpool football fans https://t.co/DDEhawAxpo

— SCMP News (@SCMPNews) April 20, 2020