Shane Pow! Mediacorp's Toggle gets black eye over blackface

At least now I know what not to wear for Halloween this year.

Blackface.

Instead, maybe I’ll go as Shane Pow.

Except nobody will know I’m Shane Pow unless I go in blackface.

But I can’t go in black face because I would then have to apologise like Toggle did — twice.

And also, you know, because it’s racist.

Admittedly, I had never heard of Shane Pow before I read about his controversial make-up choice in an episode of the Mandarin comedy series I Want To Be A Star produced by Mediacorp.



I have never seen the show. It’s not on Channel 8 or U, but on video streaming service Toggle, which is sort of like Mediacorp’s version of Netflix.

And like Netflix, Toggle also produces its own original content. I guess you can say I Want To Be A Star is Toggle’s Orange Is The New Blackface.

In the episode in question, Pow played an actor who put on blackface make-up and an Afro wig after a casting director failed to find an African man for the role, reported The Straits Times.

So at least the blackface wasn’t gratuitous. It was plot-motivated, not that that made it any less racist.

On Wednesday, Toggle apologised on Twitter, saying:

“Ep 6 of I Want To Be A Star on Toggle Originals featured a brief scene on the portrayal of an Afro-American, played by actor Shane Pow.

“The scene has been perceived as being racially insensitive by some viewers, although that was never our intention in the production.

“We appreciate the feedback and truly apologise to viewers who have been affected by this portrayal. The relevant scenes have also been removed from the programme.”

pic.twitter.com/RfUQ8ig5dv

— Toggle (@ToggleSG) October 25, 2016

Toggle’s apology was more poorly received than my column.

You go to Twitter to say sorry, Twitter will make you really sorry.

Here are some of the replies:

• “This isn’t an apology. Admit someone made a mistake during the production process instead of blaming the viewers’ ‘perception’.”
• “So I take it that @ToggleSG and @mediacorp still don’t have an issue with blackface? Only the viewers’ reactions?”
• “Remove yourselves from existence please.”

The backlash got so bad that the next day, Mediacorp’s head of connected media Anil Nihalani had to apologise for the apology:

“Our apology yesterday came out wrong. We’re sorry for the blackface portrayal and for the poor apology.

“We take race-related issues very seriously and that portrayal should not have happened.”

To show how serious he is about his apology, he also apologised on Facebook, not Twitter.

Last year, another Mediacorp artist, Desmond Tan, was also criticised for posting on Instagram a photo of himself in blackface and a turban.



I can see how this happens.

In a local entertainment culture where male comedians have made a career out of pretending to be another sex (see Liang Xi Mei, Liang Po Po, Aunty Lucy and maybe Kumar?), why not another race?

Look at Gurmit Singh.



If a Singh can play Phua Chu Kang, why can’t Desmond Tan play a Singh?

I’m old enough to remember watching on Channel 5 a BBC programme called The Black And White Minstrel Show, where the male performers were all in blackface and everyone seemed fine with it. The popular series lasted from 1958 to 1978.



But this is 2016.

You can still find the show on YouTube if you want to be horrified by casual racism packaged as lavish song-and-dance numbers.

Nowadays, you can no longer get away with Mickey Rooney playing a Japanese man in Breakfast At Tiffany’s (1961) or James Bond going undercover as a Japanese man by getting Vulcan eyebrows in You Only Live Twice (1967).





Or can you?

Last week, I saw Doctor Strange, where the character of The Ancient One, who appears Asian in the comics, is played by the very Caucasian Tilda Swinton.



Well, at least they didn’t give her Vulcan eyebrows.

I’m also old enough to remember when Darlie toothpaste used to be Darkie toothpaste and the logo was a black man (or possibly a white man in blackface from The Black And White Minstrel Show) wearing a top hat.

The name was finally changed in 1989 and the logo became a man of indeterminate race wearing a top hat.





Unfortunately, in Chinese, the product is still called “Black Person Toothpaste”.

Because of these mixed signals, perhaps it’s understandable if not excusable that Toggle thought that blackface was acceptable comedy fodder.

One can only wish that Singaporeans could be at least less racist than a toothpaste.

For Halloween, I think I’ll just go as 200 eggs.

- Published in The New Paper, 30 October 2016


UPDATE: IMDA fines Mediacorp $5,500 for racially insensitive content

No shit, Matt Damon: If you love Singapore, celebrate World Toilet Day

Remember, remember the 19th of November.

Going potty, poop and plop – I see no reason why World Toilet Day should ever be forgot.

While this Tuesday may not be the first World Toilet Day (it has been around since 2001), it will be the first World Toilet Day since July 24 when the United Nations adopted Singapore’s resolution to designate Nov 19 as World Toilet Day.



The man behind it was Singaporean Jack Sim, founder of the Restroom Association of Singapore and the World Toilet Organisation. He must be flushed with joy.

It was the first time Singapore had tabled a resolution before the UN General Assembly after 48 years as a UN member – and it had to be for a day to commemorate toilets. There’s a Phua Chu Kang joke there somewhere.

At least Singapore’s resolution wasn’t for a World No Chewing Gum Day.

But I’m disappointed that despite Singapore’s diplomatic coup, Nov 19 has yet to be gazetted as a public holiday here. I don’t even know what “gazetted” means.

So World Toilet Day will be like one of those pseudo-holidays, such as Halloween and Valentine’s Day, only instead of flowers, you can give your loved one scented bathroom tissue.

Actually, I’m not really sure what we are supposed to do on World Toilet Day. Instead of wearing costumes like on Halloween, do we wear diapers? What are the World Toilet Day traditions?

Well, just as a new song is written for National Day every year, a new song has been written for World Toilet Day this year and I reckon it’s even better than this year’s National Day song, although that may not be saying much.

I think the song is called Thank You Toilet and it’s sung by an animated toilet bowl with toilet rolls for eyes in a YouTube video released by an organisation called WaterAid.



The song starts:

“I am a toilet, so how do you do? I take away your wee and the odd number two.”

Other memorable lines:

“Oh, think about the things you put me through (that have been through you). Stuff from your body I happily take, liquid or solid, whatever you make.”

Then it suddenly goes from eeky to morbid:

“I am a lifesaver and that is not a lie. Where I don’t exist, thousands die.”

Knowing that is not going to improve my bowel movement at all.

The YouTube description says: “Around 700,000 children die every year from diarrhoea caused by unsafe water and poor sanitation – that’s almost 2,000 children a day.”

So it’s no joke.

But sad to say, World Toilet Day has been overshadowed by another cause-driven enterprise this month – Movember.



Getting people to grow moustaches to raise awareness for men’s health issues since 2003, the Movember movement has become so fashionable that even my wife is growing facial hair.

And it isn’t even recognised by the UN.

But the UN does support International Men’s Day. Yes, there’s such a thing. Don’t tell Aware or they may try to get it banned.

And wouldn’t you know, International Men’s Day is on the same day as World Toilet Day – Nov 19. It seems the UN has double-booked.

World Toilet Day can’t compete with Movember because it’s not like it can get people to have diarrhoea to raise awareness of poor sanitation around the world.

Well, maybe it can, but it won’t be very visually appealing – although some may argue the same thing about moustaches.

Worldtoiletday.org suggests a number of activities for the big day including organising a toilet queue, a “mass squat” and a “toilet sit-in”.

I won’t take part in a toilet sit-in (not to be mistaken for a “shit-in”) as I already have trouble walking after sitting on the toilet longer than I should just because I want to get three stars for an Angry Birds level. Two is not enough.

Even celebrities didn’t help the World Toilet Day cause very much.

Last year, US actor Matt Damon vowed at a mock press conference in a jokey YouTube video: “Until everyone has clean water and sanitation, I will not go to the bathroom.”



Despite support from other famous people like Richard Branson and U2’s Bono, I doubt anyone actually believed Damon wasn’t going to use the toilet until “everyone has clean water and sanitation”.



Maybe Damon should get his buddy Ben Affleck to direct a movie about World Toilet Day. Instead of Argo, the movie can be called Ahhh, I Have To Go.

In Singapore, the Restroom Association has announced several events for World Toilet Day including a LOO (Let’s Observe Ourselves) Carnival at shopping malls and a Hawker Centre Happy Toilet Cleanup on Tuesday.

But no mass squats or sit-ins.

Since I’m a patriot and World Toilet Day is recognised by the UN because of Singapore, come Nov 19, I shall make the ultimate sacrifice and have my own one-man toilet sit-in.

As long as I can play Angry Birds on my phone, my legs can take it.

- Published in The New Paper, 17 November 2013



UPDATE: World Toilet Day Urgent Run 2014 recap

After Halloween, it's Guy Fawkes Day in Singapore

Why do I even bother?

Week after week, I slave over this column, but sometimes I get the feeling that no one is even reading it.

Well, no one except Adam Lambert fans, defenders of Chinese New Year and someone working at KK Women’s and Children’s Hospital who called me Samantha.

How do I know these people are reading this column? Because they wrote in to complain about this column.

And these were not hastily typed short critiques but lengthy thoughtful dissertations on how I am unprofessional, unfair and unfunny, missives which could be wordier than the articles they were condemning.

Hey, at least they cared enough to write.

As vicious as these flagellations can be, they at least provide some indication that people are reading this column even if they loath it.

When I was producing TV shows for Channel 5, I received daily ratings reports so I had an estimation of how many (or how few, since we’re talking about Channel 5) people watched a specific show.

At a newspaper, circulation and readership figures may be available, but as for how many people actually read this specific column, I am so demoralised now, my guess is zero.

Why am I so demoralised? Blame Halloween.

As everyone knows - unless you were too busy celebrating Deepavali - Halloween was on Thursday.

Last month, a glut of Halloween-related events were organised around Singapore.



There was a zombie run as well as a zombie walk last weekend. (I’m shocked there wasn’t a zombie yoga class.) A Singaporean zombie book was launched on Halloween itself. It was zombie this, zombie that - I’m sick to un-death of zombies.

I guess it’s the time of the season.



But it’s not this Halloween overkill that’s driving me to an early grave.

It’s people saying: “Wah, why is Halloween suddenly so big in Singapore this year?”

Hello! I predicted this in my column two years ago! Does anyone read my column? Obviously not.

On Oct 30, 2011, The New Paper on Sunday published a column by me entitled “Why Deepavali is better than Halloween”.

Like this year, Deepavali fell on the same week as Halloween in 2011. I reported that “some grumbled about seeing more decorations in Singapore for Halloween than Deepavali”.

2011 was also the year when all the fuss was made over Wildlife Reserves Singapore replacing the Halloween Horrors event at the Night Safari with a “Deepavali-themed line-up”.

So I listed a few reasons Deepavali is better than Halloween, including the fact that Deepavali is an actual public holiday while Halloween is not.

But I conceded that “despite the misgivings, I expect Halloween to be even more popular in Singapore in coming years”.

If you had read that, you shouldn't be so surprised to see all the Halloween stuff being sold in NTUC FairPrice supermarkets.



In that column, I also half-jokingly suggested that since Singaporeans are celebrating Halloween, we might as well celebrate other popular American holidays like Thanksgiving, Groundhog Day and Independence Day too.

Now it appears someone else has taken that half joke to another level.

Last Thursday, an online video was released showing someone in a mask (on Halloween, of course) calling for “freedom of information” in Singapore.



At first, I thought it was an over-elaborate viral marketing video for the movie sequel to V For Vendetta, but then I remembered there’s no such thing as a movie sequel to V For Vendetta. Natalie Portman is too busy playing Thor’s girlfriend.



What I found interesting was that the video ended with the line: “Remember, remember, the fifth of November.”

At first, I thought it was referring to an old Harry Belafonte song I know, “Try to remember the kind of September…” but then it was the wrong month.



The line turned out to be a reference to a poem about Guy Fawkes Day, a day observed in the UK on Nov 5.

Guy Fawkes was a British guy who conspired and failed to blow up the House of Lords in 1605. His historic epic fail is now sarcastically commemorated with fireworks and bonfires.



So Arnold Gay might have celebrated Guy Fawkes Day a little too early.

Also, the mask that the person is wearing in the video is a Guy Fawkes mask from the V For Vendetta movie, based on an 80s graphic novel by Alan Moore and David Lloyd.

So like my column, the video is just suggesting that since Singaporeans are celebrating a foreign holiday like Halloween, we might as well celebrate Guy Fawkes Day too.

I’m not saying that whoever made the video was inspired by my two-year-old article. I’m just saying that great minds think similarly.

Anyway, I doubt they had read my column. No one does.

Please complain if you’re there.

- Published in The New Paper, 3 November 2013

EARLIER: Why Deepavali is better than Halloween (but not Independence Day)

UPDATE: Readers write in to 'complain'

Phua Chu Kang Halloween episode? Not quite, but close enough

Since it's Halloween, here's a spooky Phua Chu Kang episode (in three parts) I wrote from the final season.

It's a spoof of Incredible Tales as well as a crossover episode with a character from Police & Thief.

Don't miss the post-credits outtakes at the very end of the third part. Utt was a good sport to play along.



The episode was shot and aired in 2006. That seems like a lifetime ago now.

Will Thanksgiving (or Black Friday) be as big as Halloween in Singapore?

A month ago in this column, I suggested as a joke that since Singaporeans are already celebrating Halloween, we might as well celebrate other American holidays like Thanksgiving which was on Thursday.

At least, I thought I was joking (whether I’m actually funny is irrelevant).

It turned out I was prescient.

Because just over two weeks later, I saw in The Straits Times an ad by local supermarket chain FairPrice Finest with the headline: “Joyful feasting this Thanksgiving”.



Okay, a couple of things.

If I ask my wife for some “joyful feasting” tonight, she would probably say she has a headache.

Another thing is that I think this is the first time I’ve seen an Thanksgiving ad in Singapore.

Sure, it was only one ad and I assume it was just targeted at Americans living here, but this is how it starts. This must be how Halloween first gained a foothold on our formerly devil worship-free island years ago.

Before you know it, local netizens will be calling for the resignation of the CEO of Wildlife Reserves Singapore after she replaces Thanksgiving Turkey Day at Jurong Bird Park with some Deepavali event.



Maybe President Tony Tan Keng Yam will pardon a turkey at the Istana. Maybe Singaporeans will start watching American football.

Okay, now I’m just being ridiculous, I know.

I mean how can I expect Singaporeans to care about a sport played by teams in a country practically half way around the world from us?

(Oh, by the way, how’s Man U doing this season?)

But American football and presidential turkey pardons notwithstanding, I believe that Thanksgiving’s insidious takeover of Singapore is imminent and inescapable, thanks to our fixation with American entertainment and its accessibility through the Internet.

So to get ahead of the game, I decided to practise celebrating Thanksgiving this year by listing what I’m thankful for – and what I’m not thankful for.

For a start, I’m not thankful that Thanksgiving Day was also PSLE Resultsgiving Day.

But I’m thankful that my daughter’s results were good enough to get her into the Express stream.

I am not thankful that my 12-year-old daughter is now getting hooked the Twilight book series.

But I’m thankful that the latest Twilight movie, Breaking Dawn Part 1, is rated PG13, so that my daughter is too young to see it and be spared the vampire sex scene.



I’m also thankful that Sitex is back this weekend, so that I can get a good deal on a new hard drive to replace yet another hard drive that broke down which I bought at Comex earlier this year. Or was it at the IT Show? Maybe it was the PC Show...

But I’m not thankful Sitex is held at Singapore Expo, which is a long way from my home in Choa Chu Kang. Maybe I’ll shop for a new hard drive online.

Which brings me to what I’m thankful for most of all – Black Friday.



Not named after how some 12-year-olds and their parents felt the day after getting disappointing PSLE results, Black Friday is the day after Thanksgiving when the Christmas shopping season kicks off in the US in earnest.

Ironically, even though Singaporeans don’t care much about Thanksgiving (yet), Black Friday is another matter, thanks to the Internet (again) and the universal appeal of getting something at a discount.

Last week, I saw ads by local companies such as vPost and comGateway promoting Black Friday deals. It’s like the US version of The Great Singapore Sale crammed into a single day with the convenience of online shopping for Singaporeans (thus avoiding getting pepper sprayed).

If you missed Black Friday, don’t worry. Just be thankful for Cyber Monday tomorrow.

So you’ll still have a chance to “feast” on more good deals. Just don’t tell the wife.

- Published in The New Paper, 27 November 2011

Why I ain’t afraid of no ghost on Pulau Tekong

I know Halloween is over, but let’s talk about ghosts.

Sorry, not ghosts – since there’s no such thing as ghosts – but ghost stories. There are plenty of those. Specifically, army ghost stories.

Now showing in theatres is 23:59, a new local horror movie starring Mark Lee set in Pulau Tekong army camp.



I haven’t watched it, but I bet that at some point in the movie, soldiers see ghosts in the woods.

Why does that sound so familiar?



Perhaps it’s because one of the two stories in The Ghosts Must be Crazy released in January this year was also about soldiers seeing ghosts in the woods.

Ditto one of three stories in Where Got Ghosts? in 2009.





Ditto the 2008 made-for-TV Pulau Hantu, which MediaCorp aired again on Okto only a few months ago.



It’s like a mini movie subgenre unique to Singapore, films about soldiers seeing ghosts in the woods.

I’m old enough to remember one of Channel 8’s earliest dramas, Army Series, which included a memorable episode about, yes, soldiers seeing ghosts in the woods. This was back in the early 80s.



So for almost 30 years now, Singapore soldiers have been seeing ghosts in the woods – at least in TV shows and movies.

But how often does it actually happen in real life?

I doubt that Mindef keeps track of such figures, but I do recall when I was a recruit on Pulau Tekong, I got lost in the woods quite a number of times and during all those times – even the times at night (hated that) – I never saw any ghosts.

What’s more, I was in the notorious Charlie Company of the three-door bunk fame, which I wrote about in a column two years ago.



So instead of me repeating my version of the three-door bunk story, here’s what a reader wrote in response to that column: “My uncle also told me the story, but his version was a bit different.

“He said that the bunk had three doors initially and when the recruit died (they found him with his stomach slit opened and organs arranged out nicely), they needed a place for his corpse.

“So they put his body back onto the bed where he used to sleep, which was the bunk with three doors.

“Because spirits only know of two doors... his spirit was stuck in the bunk. After the sightings and haunting, someone invited a Taoist master and he suggested locking the third door so that the spirit could leave.

“My cousin said that the padlock is still there and very rusty.”

I can testify under oath that I have seen the three-door bunk and rusty padlock, but I can’t vouch for the rest of the story.

So how did I manage not to see any ghosts during my three months in Charlie Company on Tekong despite getting lost in the woods as often as I did?

I credit my mother.

Just before I went into the army, she gave me some unexpected advice. Actually, it was more like a specific instruction, which she made me promise to follow.

She told me that before peeing in the woods, I must always first apologise to the person who might be buried at the spot where I’m peeing.



Okay, a couple of things.

First, I found it awkward to be discussing urination with my mother. Yes, I know she used to change my diapers, but I was much, much, much shorter then.

Second, why did she assume that I would be peeing in the woods? Being extremely shy, I would be more likely hold it until I return to civilisation.

I would’ve felt more reassured if her advice was “If you ever feel the need to pee in the woods, don’t. People may see you.”

Also, since the woods is vast enough for me to get lost in, what are the chances of me peeing at the exact spot where someone is buried?

Why would people be buried in the woods anyway? I believe we have cemeteries for that.

And since people buried in the woods are probably dead, I didn’t think they would notice being urinated on or hear my apology.

But a promise is a promise.

I did as my mother instructed and thus avoided pissing off any spirits (so to speak).

Instead, I’m haunted by too many local movies about soldiers seeing ghosts in the woods.

How about a horror movie about Bedok Reservoir?

Oooooh...spooky...

I want my mummy.

- Published in The New Paper, 6 November 2011

A Halloween treat for Phua Chu Kang fans

An episode written by me where Rosie thinks Margaret is turning into a vampire. It climaxes with the funniest scene I've ever written involving Unchained Melody.

Phua Chu Kang Season 2 Episode 19 from gurmitsinghfan on Vimeo.

The Ally McBeal reference in the first scene dates it terribly. By the way, it was the highest rated PCK episode ever.

Why Deepavali is better than Halloween (but not Independence Day)

Deepavali versus Halloween?

How did we come to this?

I remember a time when Halloween was like Thanksgiving and Independence Day – US holidays familiar to Singaporeans mostly as plot devices in Hollywood movies and TV shows.

But in recent weeks, some grumbled about seeing more decorations in Singapore for Halloween (which is tomorrow) than Deepavali (which was on Wednesday).

Halloween detractors regard the foreign holiday as an interloper, encroaching on the celebrations of a long-standing local holiday.

Halloween-themed events are being held around Singapore with at least two on Sentosa alone – Universal Studios’ Halloween Horror Nights and the Sentosa Leisure Group’s Sentosa Spooktacular.

Why the sudden fervor for all things mock scary?

I blame Wildlife Reserves Singapore (WRS).

By abruptly deciding to replace the popular Halloween Horrors event at Night Safari with a Deepavali-themed line-up, WRS unwittingly turned Halloween into the wronged underdog and Deepavali the unwelcomed interloper.

The irony is that in its clumsy rush to promote Deepavali, I fear WRS might have inadvertently diminished the holiday instead.

This is why I now feel the need to remind people why Deepavali is better than Halloween:

1. Deepavali is an actual public holiday – as in you get a day off from work or school. Halloween is not, even in the US.

2. Deepavali is the festival of lights. Halloween is the festival of black and orange.

3. I don’t like pumpkin.

4. Three words: no devil worshipping.



5. For Halloween, we get horror movie sequels like Paranormal Activity 3. For Deepavali, we get Ra One, reportedly India's most expensive blockbuster ever, starring Shah Rukh Khan as a Bollywood superhero.



I repeat, a Bollywood superhero. To quote Stan Lee, ’nuff said.

Unfortunately, despite the misgivings, I expect Halloween to get even more popular in Singapore in coming years.

Fortunately, Deepavali will be on Nov 13 next year, so no more Deepavali versus Halloween.

Unfortunately, in place of Deepavali, Hari Raya Haji takes over the Oct 26 date next year, so it will be Raya versus Halloween instead.

So a year from now, will my column be about how Hari Raya Haji is better than Halloween?

Aiyah, you know what I’m thinking? Why stop at just Halloween?

Since Singaporeans are already celebrating one US holiday, we might as well celebrate them all.

Here are a few to start:

Thanksgiving

This is probably the most important holiday for Americans apart from Christmas. But I don't think it will catch on with Singaporeans because it involves a lot of travelling, eating turkey and watching American football. (Go, Packers!)

Groundhog Day

This is the day when you wake up and it's the same day as yesterday.



Independence Day

Also known as the Fourth of July, this is no longer just an American holiday, thanks to Will Smith, Jeff Goldblum and US President Bill Pullman.

This was the day the world declared in one voice: “We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today, we celebrate our Independence Day!”

And then we beat the aliens.



I’m sorry, but even Deepavali – or Shah Rukh Khan – can’t top that.

- Published in The New Paper, 30 October 2011

Very funny and enjoyable article. Really made my day. I was at Clarke Quay last night and somehow Halloween has become a costume party. With superman, princesses and prince charmings, playboy bunnies sexy busty policewomen, topless cowboys and clowns. Heehee.

Janice

Hair-raising mole mail just in time for Halloween

I’ve got mail!

And not the usual “You’re so sexy and talented” fan mail. These e-mails are only slightly less disturbing. Just in time for Halloween too.

I received them after last week’s column about how I ended up removing one of the three moles on the face - the Ber-mole-da Triangle - because of something a fengshui expert said.

The mole that I amputated was on my lower left cheek and had two strands of hair growing out of it.



I still have that mole in a plastic container in my refrigerator so that I can pay my respects every time I open the fridge door to get my Marigold Peel Fresh Mangosteen Mixed Fruit Juice with no sugar added.

(You too can get your product placement here. Just write to smong@ymail.com to get rates.)

I mentioned in the column that the hairs on the mole are still intact.

A reader wrote: “Try keeping the amputated mole for a few months and see if the hair continues to grow. Wouldn't that be insanely creepy?”

Thank you for the suggestion.

In fact, I plan to keep the mole for not just a few months, but for many years so that I can show it to my grandchildren and give them nightmares to remember me by after I’m dead and cremated, possibly with the amputated mole.

“Remember when crazy Ah Kong showed us that fossilised mole he kept in his fridge? Eeeeee! I couldn’t sleep for weeks after that. I could still see the hair!”

And yes, it would be insanely creepy if the hair continues to grow.

Now there’s an idea for a Halloween costume - a human-size amputated mole with still-growing hair.

Don’t worry. You won’t hurt my feelings if you’re still going as Lady Gaga.

But you know what would be creepier than if the hair continues to grow? If a whole other me grew out of that amputated mole.

We would probably end up fighting over the mangosteen juice. I don’t like to share.

Though it would be nice to have someone else take the kids to tuition.

Actually, my bigger concern is that hair would continue to grow from the spot on my face where the mole used to be. I have enough stray hairs growing from unexpected parts of my anatomy to trim. I’m looking at you, nipple fur.

As it turned out, I might have been a little too hasty to excise my mole because of something a fengshui expert said, according to another reader.

The reader wrote: “Actually, your life path is all in your date of birth. Not about looking at the number of moles you have.”

Oh, now he tells me.

The reader continued: “If you do not mind giving me your date of birth, I can tell who you are and what will become of you. It is free of charge just for you only.

“I set up my company PON Consultant Pte Ltd doing consulting on Life Destiny. If you are keen, please provide me with your date of birth and I will provide you with a 20-page report of who you actually are and what will become of you in the future.”

Flattered as I am that someone is offering something free “just” for me, I find this e-mail disturbing on several existential levels.

First is the idea that everyone’s future is pre-determined on the day he or she is born.

Second is the idea that my life can be summed up in 20 pages. I’m not sure whether it’s too many pages or too few. I don’t know what font size he’s using.

Third is the idea that this stranger, whom I’ve never met and know next to nothing about, expects me to give him my birthdate so that he can unlock everything about me. And you thought Facebook had privacy issues.

And last but not least, the idea of knowing my future is scarier to me than mutant mole hair or any Lady Gaga costume.



I can barely deal with knowing the present.

Have a creepy Halloween and keep the fan mail coming.

- Published in The New Paper, 23 October 2011

UPDATE: I had the "teardrop" mole removed on 15 Nov and it's also in my fridge now.

Halloween to be replaced by Deepavali

I have cancelled my Halloween column, which was supposed to run in The New Paper on Sunday on Oct 30.

The decision to cancel my column about Halloween is not due to any religious beliefs, but rather my shaky belief that contriving a parallel to the recent controversial decision by Wildlife Reserves Singapore to cancel this year's Halloween Horrors event at the Night Safari could be funny.

Even though I am neither Christian nor Buddhist, I am against devil worship of any kind that doesn't involve listening to heavy metal music from the 70s and 80s because I'm old school.



But someone has to teach me how to get my MP3 player to play the songs backward so that I can get my instructions from Beelzebub. It used to be easier with vinyl.

Damn you, technology!

With such references to Beelzebub, heavy metal and school, you can see how the topic of Halloween can be too scary for children.

My writing can already be horrifyingly bad enough without it being about Halloween. Just ask anyone who saw Phua Chu Kang The Movie. Yes, I wrote that.



The New Paper is a family newspaper. As such, my column should promote family-bonding and some may argue that frightening children is antithetical to family-bonding.

My column three weeks ago on the new Mooncake Festival levels in the Angry Birds Seasons smartphone game marked the latest in my series of Asian-themed and family-bonding columns.

Who can forget my thoughtful column in 2009 on whether I should wear shorts or long pants to visit my relatives on the first day of Chinese New Year?

I am now planning a column centred around Deepavali which falls on Oct 26. This will be a multi-cultural family column for all Singaporeans and tourists to enjoy.

With my focus on Asian festivities, I have therefore decided to cancel my Halloween column in view of the clash in dates.

So no more columns about Christmas, New Year (the non-Chinese one), Good Friday and Labour Day as these holidays don’t go with the Asian theme. I’m still on the fence about National Day though. Can't decide whether it's Asian or not.



My decision to cancel the Halloween column is also due to the lack of any feedback from corporations, "friends" on Facebook, the public and the media about the column. In short, no one cares.

Another reason is that my Halloween column has no relevance in relation to conservation.

I thank myself for my dedication and the seven months of hard work that went into planning for the column.

I was so shocked by the sudden cancellation that I cried. I hope it doesn’t affect my work performance bonus.

Going forward, I will write more family-centric columns, which will include new youth engagement and interactive stuff throughout the calendar year.

A relative in Tampines offered to read my Halloween column because he did not want my efforts to go to waste. I declined the offer as I felt he was being patronising.

Before I go, I also want to apologise to Beelzebub for earlier linking him to the cancellation of my Halloween column and stress that Beelzebub had nothing to do with the decision.

For those of you who subscribed to The New Paper for my Halloween column - sorry, no refund.

Please don’t call for my resignation.

At least I didn’t kill any fireflies.

- Published in The New Paper, 25 October 2011

UPDATE: Why Deepavali is better than Halloween (but not Independence Day)

What's with all these cross-dressing comedians in Singapore?

I dressed like a girl and I liked it. I might not have looked as hot as Katy Perry, but I did it just to try it.



My excuse is that I was young, I was in college in the US and I was going to a Halloween party.

I wore lots of eye make-up, some blusher, my girlfriend’s lipstick, her hairband, her black top and her black Fido Dido leggings – plus my own army boots.

The look I was aiming for was scary goth chick, albeit a scarily big-boned, flat-chested goth chick in rather unscary Fido Dido leggings.

Thinking back now, I realised I might have looked like Marilyn Manson – except for those damn Fido Dido leggings which were just dorky.

At least it turned out better than the time I shaved my eyebrows. I mean I could simply change my clothes and wash off the make-up, but it took months for me to grow back those damn eyebrows.

As much as I enjoyed playing dress-up that one time, I’m not making a career comeback out of it. Yes, I’m looking at you, Jack Neo.



What does it say about Singaporeans that some of our most popular comedians are men in drag?

There’s Neo as Liang Po Po and Liang Ximei, Dennis Chew as Aunty Lucy, Kumar as Kumar and Gurmit Singh as Phua Chu Kang.

Wait a minute, you say, Phua Chu Kang isn’t drag. I say he’s wearing a wig, make-up and a costume, he might as well be drag.

When I was working at MediaCorp in the 90s, I was told that it was forbidden to have men dressed as women on local programmes – with the special exception of Neo.

For a while, Kumar was thought to be banned from TV after The Ra Ra Show until it was clarified that he just wasn’t allowed to appear as a cross-dresser. Unfortunately, Kumar out of drag is not as funny as Kumar in drag.



But things change. Today, Chew’s Aunty Lucy is carrying on from where Neo’s Liang Ximei left off.



Both Kumar and Gurmit have played women on Channel 5 in recent years. You would think that cross-dressing is a can’t-miss gag, but the PCK episode where Gurmit did it was among the lowest rated of the series.

So is it a good idea for Neo to play another female character for his next movie, Homecoming, eight years after he last played Liang Ximei on TV?

Comedically, it’s going backwards, but as a marketing ploy, it’s brilliant. The movie won’t be out until Chinese New Year and we’re already talking about it.

The easy joke is that instead of other women, the Cultural Medallion-winning film-maker, scandalised by an extra-marital affair eight months ago, can now have an affair with himself.

But will the new movie be a hit?

Of course, it will – it’s a Jack Neo movie.

But then I said the same thing about the PCK movie. And I thought Fido Dido leggings were a good idea.

- Published in The New Paper, 21 November 2010

Forget Halloween - I wish you a happy new year

You know, I like to be ahead of my time because it makes me feel superior to other people.

That’s why I wear a T-shirt that says “I listen to bands that don’t even exist yet”.



That’s why I was on Facebook long before anyone heard of the movie The Social Network.



That’s why almost 20 years ago, I raved about this little horror movie called Braindead long before its director, Peter Jackson, became famous for The Lord Of The Rings movies and unleashed onto the world the horror that is Orlando Bloom’s acting.



That’s why I get hungry before it’s time to eat. That’s why I don’t think premature ejaculation is all that bad. And that’s why I read monthly magazines as they too are ahead of their time. Do you know that you can actually buy the November issue of many magazines in October? It’s like time travelling!

Imagine if you can get tomorrow’s edition of The New Paper today. You’ll be rich from betting on the horse racing results. But then you would also have to race against time to save the woman who was hit by a car in an accident that is reported in tomorrow’s paper but hasn’t happened yet. Wait ... wasn’t that a TV show? Anyway, where was I? Oh yah, magazines.

So I was getting my future copy of Yachting World in Borders last week when I noticed the bookstore was selling Christmas stuff. Already?

Then I stepped out of Wheelock Place and I saw the Christmas decorations along Orchard Road. Already?



All of a sudden, I felt so behind the times. And here was I, still preparing for Halloween, which is today.

I’m planning to go as Jack Neo, by the way. My costume consists of a pair of spectacles and an obliviousness to my own moral hypocrisy.



But I have yet to decide on what to wear for Deepavali on Friday or figured out my outfit for Hari Raya Haji, which is less than two weeks after that. I couldn’t believe Orchard Road is three holidays ahead of me.

If I was still living in America, there would still be the Thanksgiving holiday on Nov 25. The Christmas shopping season starts the day after - on what has become known as Black Friday.

In Singapore, the Christmas shopping season can start whenever it wants as long as it’s after the Great Singapore Sale.

Which I think is great because if there’s one thing that this country sorely needs, it’s an excuse to go shopping.

But I’m not letting anyone – or anything – get the better of me, even if it’s a road that has to be raised over the next few months to reduce flooding.

So next week, I'm going to get a haircut, wear red, visit my relatives and demand they give my kids hongbao. Gong xi fa cai!

(The TV show was Early Edition.)

- Published in The New Paper, 31 October 2010