Boycott my toilet paper? This is why I shouldn't use my phone when I poop

There comes a time in a person’s life when you have to decide whether to take a stand.

Even when you’re sitting down.

That moment came for me last week when I was sitting on the toilet bowl at home.

After claiming my prize in the daily Piñata Party in the Plants Vs Zombies 2 game on my brand new space grey iPhone 6s, I tapped on Facebook to check for news of nude photos of any other celebrities besides Justin Bieber.

Baby, baby, baby, oh my. He’s certainly not a baby anymore.



I also read on my timeline about a Primary School Leaving Examination (PSLE) maths question that has upset at least one person on Facebook.

The multiple-choice question is, how heavy are eight $1 coins? Is it 6g, 60g, 600g or 6kg?



I would be upset by this question too. It’s not clear enough.

It doesn’t specify whether the coins are the old $1 coins or the new $1 coins even though both types are still in wide circulation.



It would be like asking for the weight of the Acting Minister of Education without specifying which one, now that we have two Acting Ministers of Education.

I would assume that it’s Mr Ng Chee Meng and not Mr Ong Ye Kung, as Mr Ng is in charge of Schools and Mr Ong looks after Higher Education and Skills.



But it would be an assumption and you know what they say when you assume — it makes an “ass” out of “u” and “me” and anyone taking the PSLE.

Speaking of “ass”, I was about to reach for the toilet paper to wipe mine when I read something on my iPhone that stopped me in my tracks.

It was a news report about supermarket chains withdrawing paper products sourced from Asia Pulp & Paper Group (APP).



This comes after the Singapore Environment Council temporarily suspended the use of the Singapore Green Label certification for APP’s exclusive distributor, Universal Sovereign Trading, pending further investigations.

APP is one of five Indonesian companies named by the National Environment Agency as possible contributors to the haze. The Government has sent notices to these firms for possible transgressions of the Transboundary Haze Pollution Act.

Why It Matters: Boycotting haze-causing firmsCan consumers in Singapore make a difference if they really want to? http://str.sg/ZukV
Posted by The Straits Times on Friday, October 9, 2015

Some people want to boycott APP products and urge others to do so too. If you hate the haze, don’t use APP products. One of APP’s products is Paseo toilet paper.

Alamak. That’s the brand of toilet paper in my toilet!

Why couldn’t I have read this after I had wiped myself?

That’ll teach me not to use the phone when I poop.

I don’t even usually get Paseo toilet paper at the NTUC FairPrice supermarket. I usually buy the cheaper FairPrice housebrand.

But one day, I was seduced by the Paseo Elegant four-ply because it was on offer ­­— and it has dolphins printed on it.



I mean, come on, who can resist dolphins?

So I bought three packs with 10 rolls in each pack.

As I sat there in the toilet, I looked at the dolphins dolefully.

What should I do?

Wipe myself with the sea mammals and contribute to the haze?

Or spend the rest of the day with an uncomfortable feeling when I walk?



Should I stop using a company’s products just because the company may have been involved in harmful practices?

Then I looked at my iPhone, which had put me in this buttock-numbing dilemma.

Apple has long been criticised for not doing enough to improve the poor working conditions in the Chinese factories that manufacture the iPhone.



Yet, millions, including myself, still rush to get one every time Apple releases a new model.

Would it be hypocritical of me to take a stand against a company that may have contributed to the haze and not the company that may have not done enough to prevent the exploitation of workers just because the haze is closer to home?

“What do you think, dolphins?” I asked as I flushed them down the toilet.

It’s a relief not to have to walk funny. I still have two more packs of dolphin-print toilet rolls to go.

I wonder how much a bidet costs.

- Published in The New Paper, 11 October 2015

Hello, queues: The iPhone is not a cat

Haze and triple-digit PSI.

Long, unruly queues all over Singapore for something that sold out quickly.

Police were called.

It was like June 2013 all over again.

Except the haze isn’t as bad this year. Touch wood that the Indonesian farmers haven’t burned yet.



Last year, the queues were for the McDonald’s Hello Kitty Fairy Tales toy.

Oh, Ugly Duckling Hello Kitty, you’re so the opposite of ugly. You’re worth sucking unhealthy air for.

After years of causing catty chaos with their Hello Kitty promotions, McDonald’s finally got into the 21st century and let people pre-order the Bubbly World toys online this June.

And thus the Kitty queues were quelled.

Last week, the overnight queues were not for Hello Kitty but for buses going to Johor where the MDA-restricted documentary, To Singapore, With Love, was screened on Friday as part of the Freedom Film Festival.

I’m kidding. The queues were for the iPhone 6.



At least Singaporeans got their priorities right.

If you want to watch To Singapore, With Love in the country mentioned in the title, all you have to do is matriculate.

But be careful not to matriculate every day or you may go blind.

On Friday, MDA said it “recognises that lecturers and students of media or related courses at tertiary institutions may require access to a wider variety of films...

“Some leeway is provided to these institutions to screen films for educational purposes, on condition that these films have either been previously classified by the MDA, or prior approval has been sought from the MDA before the films are acquired.”



You see how clever MDA is?

After making the mistake of stirring interest in the Tan Pin Pin-directed documentary by giving it a “Not Allowed for All Ratings (NAR)” classification, it’s now attempting to kill interest by making it “educational”.

Talk about box-office poison.

At the end of the day, To Singapore, With Love is still just a documentary. It’s not Guardians Of The Galaxy. It’s not even a documentary about the making of Guardians Of The Galaxy.

Not a gun-wielding raccoon on a waking tree in sight.

Anyway, someone will eventually upload To Singapore, With Love on YouTube, where you can also watch Tan’s previously best known work, Singapore GaGa, for free.



You can even watch it on your new iPhone 6 if you’re one of those who successfully queued for it.

The rest of us can watch it on our antediluvian iPhone 5s and Android phones like animals.

Sorry if I sound a little bitter. I came close to pre-ordering the iPhone 6 at the Apple online store but hesitated and... I don’t want to talk it.



Like the Kitty Hello Bubbly World Collection, you could also pre-order the iPhone 6 online.

But while the toys sold out online in a week, the iPhone 6 was gone within minutes.

One SingTel customer who pre-registered his interest in an iPhone 6 Plus was so upset about not getting his device that he started an online petition to protest.

The petition asked for pre-registered SingTel customers to be allowed to buy the iPhone 6 Plus this weekend “and not iPhone 6”.

The petition also said: “We do not want to queue for the remaining stock of iPhone 6 and wish to buy iPhone 6 Plus at appointment booking timings.”

The iPhone 6 Plus is apparently the iPhone 5s Gold of this year.



Another telco, M1, suspended online pre-orders for 12 hours after a customer stumbled onto a security loophole.

Strange to say that McDonald’s might have handled the online thing a bit better than the telcos. At least the fast food chain quelled the queues.

I actually think it’s less irrational to queue for a Hello Kitty toy than for an iPhone.

And I’m not just saying that because I like Hello Kitty ironically.

Each Hello Kitty toy was available at McDonald’s for only a week. Once it was sold out, it was pretty much gone for good.

The black Singing Bone Hello Kitty toy, which I so desperately wanted, is now priced from $13.99 to $88 on eBay. If I had managed to get it last year at McDonald’s, it would’ve cost me only $4.60 with a meal.

Now I wish I had started a petition to protest against me not getting the Singing Bone Hello Kitty.

As for the iPhone, if it’s sold out, new stock will eventually be available.

Are living in such an accelerated culture that we can’t wait for anything any more?

Actually, queuing is also a form of waiting, so the joke’s on the queuers.

So if you insist on queuing to satisfy your desire for instant gratification, expect bad things to happen.

As I’ve just scientifically established, iPhone queuers are even less rational than Hello Kitty queuers.



Police were called on Friday to settle iPhone queue disputes at Tampines Mall and 112 Katong. Apple retailer Nubox said on Facebook that the iPhone 6 launch at the Katong mall outlet was cancelled to “protect the safety of our customers and staff”.

That didn’t make the people who queued overnight in Katong very happy. Perhaps they can try their luck on eBay, where a 128GB iPhone 6, which retails at $1,288 without contract, was auctioned off yesterday for $1,650.

Wah. That’s an even higher profit margin than for the Singing Bone Hello Kitty.

Hmmm. Maybe those iPhone queuers aren’t so irrational after all.

I wonder if I can find an iPhone 6 in JB.

I hope the $13.99 Hello Kitty is still available on eBay.

Anyone queuing for the Apple Watch?

- Published in The New Paper, 21 September 2014

Closed, cancelled & Jemmed: New iPhone still can’t play CDs

It has been 15 years since the popular US TV sitcom Seinfeld ended. But last week, I was reminded of a favorite episode from the series.

In the episode, the character Jerry is trying to figure out the name of a woman he was dating. All he knew was that her name rhymed with a part of the female anatomy. One of his (incorrect) guesses was that her name was Mulva.



On Friday, the new iPhone was launched. First in line at The Paragon’s M1 store was a 23-year-old poly student who had been queueing since the day before. He was also first in line for the iPhone launch last year, in 2011 and 2010. I suppose you can call him a serial queuer.

His name? Mr Melva Yip.

Congratulations to him for getting the gold iPhone 5s, which was reportedly the fastest to be sold out. The other colours are silver and black – sorry, I mean “space grey”.

I notice that the gold part is only at the back and the sides of the phone. The front is white. So if I put my old white iPhone 5 in a case that covers its back and sides, I can pretend I have a gold iPhone 5s.



Mr Yip is lucky that he wasn’t queueing at Jem, where the ceiling could’ve fallen on him.



Jem announced on Thursday that it was “closed until further notice” after the false ceiling collapsed, hurting three people.

Living in the western part of Singapore, I am saddened by the Jurong East mall’s closure.

But I promise to remain faithful. I will not go to the Uniqlo outlet at Causeway Point to get the $9.90 three-quarter sleeve Mickey Mouse T-shirt that’s on sale.



I will wait for Jem for re-open whenever that may be. (As long as it’s before 9.30 tonight because today is the last day of the sale.)

Besides having such fashionable tenants like Uniqlo, H & M and Old Chang Kee, Jem is also a trendsetter in other ways. Remember in June, how Jem cancelled its big opening just one day before due to lack of fire permits?

Cancelling something at the last minute is now the hip thing to do. Even the 1 World Music Festival jumped on the bandwagon last week.

Featuring such cool artists like Moby and Snoop Dogg (or Snoop Lion or Snoop Octopus, who knows anymore?), the festival was scheduled to take place at the Marina Barrage on Friday and yesterday but was cancelled just two days before opening due to poor ticket sales.

Let me tell you Jem was cancelling openings three months ago before it was cool.

Understandably, the 1 World cancellation wasn’t so cool to the people who had bought tickets, especially those overseas who were flying it for the event. I hope Ms Aung San Suu Kyi isn’t too disappointed.

What are these people going to do in Singapore now? If only there’s some other major event happening in Singapore this weekend.

Hmmm… can you think of anything?

Say again? I can’t hear you over the Formula One cars roaring past.

No, wait, that’s just someone playing Grand Theft Auto V too loudly. I’m not sure if he’s over 18.



No, wait, it's not a “he”. It’s Ms Aung San Suu Kyi!

And if the 1 World cancellation wasn’t enough bad news for music fans here, on the same day, local music store Gramophone announced that it “decided to close its business due to the difficult trading conditions and other challenges faced by the industry for some years now”.



What challenges? Well, for one thing, I now listen to music mostly on my pretend gold iPhone and even after I’ve updated to the new iOS 7, there’s still no slot on my iPhone to insert a compact disc.

Yet, I bought a CD from Gramophone as recently as three months ago when I could’ve downloaded the album from iTunes more cheaply. The album was It Just Comes Natural by country music superstar George Strait.

I was so disturbed by my behaviour that I asked a Facebook friend who is the editor of NPR Music in the US: “Am I a schmuck for still buying CDs?”

He answered: “I prefer CDs to MP3s as a general rule, if only because you’re getting uncompressed sound files – and, more to the point, the ability to pop a disc into your computer and magically produce MP3s where there were no MP3s before.

“My attachment to CDs has waned a bit as I’ve come to listen to them less (and as the literally tens of thousands of discs in my basement threaten to drag my house into the center of the earth), but they still represent the most versatile format in my mind...

“So, no, you’re not a schmuck for buying CDs.”

Next, I’m asking my friend whether I’m a schmuck if I am the first in line for the next four iPhone launches.

No, wait, “schmuck” is Yiddish for “penis”, which is a part of the male anatomy.



So what I should be asking instead is: “Am I a Melva if I am the first in line for the next four iPhone launches?”

I think the answer is yes.



By the way, the name of the woman Jerry was dating in the Seinfeld episode was Dolores.

- Published in The New Paper, 25 September 2013

From reader mike

Mulva so lame.

Is Virginia too obvious that he/you could not use it????

No, I did not Q for my iPhone 5

This is a follow-up to my column about my failed attempt to be the first person in Singapore to get the iPhone 5.

Seven days after the iPhone 5 launch, I went to the SingTel website and ordered the phone online, and it was delivered to me (at no extra charge) four days later.



It was a surprisingly painless process compared to what I went through earlier.

But when colleagues see me with the phone, they would say, "Oh, so you're of those people who queued up."

Why do they assume that?

Anyway, here's my quick first-impression review of the iPhone 5.

It's lighter and slimmer, which is the most immediate improvement over my old iPhone 4.

The taller display gives you one more row of apps on the screen, but otherwise it makes little difference for now as most apps are still designed for the smaller display.



The battery seems to last longer, but the new Lightning connector is a pain because I have so many old connectors.

The new EarPods earphones are impressive bass-wise for its price (free), but not very comfortable and not secure enough for use when running.

Not to be confused with the LTA, the LTE - where available - is definitely faster than 3G.

Yes, the new Apple Maps app is not as detailed as Google Maps, but it's not a deal breaker.



I guess I'm just slightly disappointed the phone didn't change my life like my first iPhone did.

The biggest difference this time is just a little less weight in my pocket.

I'm actually more excited about the $5 iPhone 5 cover (including shipping) I ordered on eBay and received a couple of days ago. Five bucks!



So Y Q?

I mean, why queue? There's this invention called the Internet ...

Why I'm not the first person in Singapore to get the iPhone 5

There’s been a lot of talk recently about what we should talk about in the Singapore Conversation.

Cost of living? Foreigners? Education? Clearing your tray at the hawker centre? Alex Au? Xiaxue’s pregnancy?

Of course, you and I know what Singaporeans really want to talk about.

The greatest product the world has ever known was launched on Friday to long queues around the globe including Singapore – and I’m not talking about chendol ice cream mooncake.

It’s the iPhone 5!

Even I, who have yet to succumb to the temptation of buying a mooncake no matter how many crazy flavours there are, wasn’t safe from the hype.

I received the SMS at 8.42pm on Wednesday.

For once, it wasn’t from a mysterious number informing me of the newest freehold development just minutes away from an MRT station. Call now for VVIP preview! UN to unsub.

Instead, it was from the “SingTel iPhone Team”.

The message: “The Appointment Booking Site will open tonight, 19 Sept from 10pm. Visit https://m.singtelshop.com/iphone5apptbooking to make your appointment to purchase the iPhone 5 at the launch event. Appointment slots are limited.”

Suddenly, my life changed. Suddenly, my pointless pathetic existence on this planet had meaning. Suddenly, I had a purpose.

I decided I would be the first person in Singapore to get the iPhone 5.

I would be famous.

My picture would be on the front page of The Straits Times. (And not just in a little blurb buried somewhere in the corner on an inside page.)



Singapore Grand Prix? What Singapore Grand Prix?

Katy Perry would be dedicating Firework to me tonight at the Padang stage. I love you too, Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson, and I won’t be the one that got away.

Men would want to be me. Women would want to sleep with me. And so would muscular men in V-neck T-shirts carrying large handbags.

My quest for epicness would begin at 10pm on Wednesday – one hour and 18 minutes after I got the SMS. It would be the longest one hour and 18 minutes of my life.

I received the SMS because two days earlier, I had “registered my interest” for the iPhone 5 at the SingTel website. I later learnt I was among a record 68,000 people to have done so.

When I registered, I wasn’t planning on getting the new phone so soon because I mistakenly thought I wasn’t eligible to recontract until the end of the year. But after registering, I checked and discovered I had been eligible since July!

And so the seed of my “first person in Singapore to get the iPhone 5” ambition was sown.

I set the alarm on my museum-ready iPhone 4 for 10pm.

No, to play it safe, I changed it to 9.59pm.

What the heck, let’s make it 9.55.

Before 9.55pm, I was already at my desktop computer watching the clock. I prematurely went to the SingTel iPhone 5 page and all I got was a message to check the “bulletin board” for updates.

(Not the first time I’ve been premature if you know what I mean.)

Then at 9.57pm, my stomach felt strange. Alamak. What did I eat?

I really needed to go to the toilet. Why now at this critical moment? Should I stay or should I go? This indecision was bugging me.

I thought of Katy Perry and forced myself to hold it for a few more minutes.



The pain …the pain …and I didn’t even eat any chendol ice cream mooncake.

At 10pm (finally!), I went to the SingTel iPhone 5 page – but still got the “bulletin board” message.

The same thing happened at 10.01pm. And 10.02pm. And 10.03pm. Ahhhhhh!

I rushed to the toilet with my iPhone 4. The Wi-Fi in the toilet sucked, but at least I could get a connection.

After some pain-relieving diarrhoea, I managed to tap my way to the SingTel iPhone 5 page on my phone a few times and eventually got a new message: The appointment booking site was open, but due to overwhelming response, blah blah blah, try again.

And so I tried again and again and again, left the toilet, returned to the computer and tried again and again and again …until 11.35pm.

That was when I got another message: “Thank you for your overwhelming support for the iPhone 5 with SingTel. All appointment slots for the launch event are now fully booked. Stay tuned to SingTel iPhone 5 bulletin board for updates!”

And just like that, my dream was over.

I didn’t get any of the 10,000 appointment slots.

No more first person in Singapore to get the iPhone 5. No more Straits Times front page. No more Katy Perry. No more muscular men in V-neck T-shirts.

My life has no meaning again.

It’s enough to drive a guy to chendol ice cream mooncake.

- Published in The New Paper, 23 September 2012

My love-hate thing with Apple (Or why I will never buy a Mac)

My sister used to work for Apple, whose co-founder Steve Jobs died on Wednesday.

After leaving the company, she posted on her Facebook page that “working for it was like marrying the hottest guy and realising that he snores and farts like any other man”.

Then she added: “But he’s still the hottest guy.”

Let me first clarify that my sister has never been married – to the hottest guy or otherwise. So I’m wondering what qualifies her to make this analogy.

And no matter how accurate it is, if she imagines that even the hottest guy she marries to snore and fart... well, no wonder she’s still single.

But I get her point.

Although I have never worked for the company, I too have this love-hate thing with Apple.

It all started when I was in Secondary 3.

I joined my school’s new computer club and was introduced to my first computer, the Apple II. (Yes, I’m that old.)

It was, as they say, love at first byte.

This was before the iPad. Before data plans. Before social media. Before the World Wide Web. Before the mouse. Before the compact disc. Before IBM made personal computers. Before Abba broke up.

If not for the Apple II kicking off the home computer revolution, all those things might not have happened (well, except the Abba thing).

Thanks to the Apple II, I learned how to program a computer using a language called Basic, which stands for Beginner’s All-purpose Symbolic Instruction Code and is - surprise! - quite basic.

I saved my programs on floppy disks, back when floppy disks were still floppy.



I loved the games that came on these floppy disks, especially strip poker, which was how I learned to play poker (although I still can’t tell a flush from a straight – but at least now I know Kumar isn’t one).

I was so loyal to Apple in the 80s that even when everyone I knew bought an IBM-compatible, I refused to switch. IBM was the enemy.

To me, the only true personal computer was the Apple computer.



But I hated Apple when it unveiled the Lisa computer in 1983. Protective of my beloved Apple II, I felt threatened by the new Apple product.

To me, the only true Apple computer was the Apple II computer.

I rejoiced when the Lisa flopped.

(I was kind of sad when the Apple III died though.)

When the Macintosh came along a year after the Lisa, I expected and hoped that it would flop too. It didn’t.



I resented the Mac’s success – especially when the company killed the Apple II series in 1993.

If you look up the Apple II page in Wikipedia, there’s a line that says: “Many outspoken Apple II fans were bitter that the company had invested its Apple II profits into the Macintosh rather than using them to further the Apple II series.”

I’m one of those bitter Apple II fans.

Although I have used the Mac at work, till this day, I will not buy a Mac for myself. I’m still bitter over the betrayal and death of my first computer love, the Apple II.



I hate the Mac so much, I switched my loyalty from Apple to the descendant of a former enemy, the Windows PC.

But I was still rooting for Apple to succeed when it released the Newton in the 90s, even though the handheld device kind of sucked. It also flopped.

And then I bought my first iPod in 2005. It was like falling in love for the first time all over again. All that music in my pocket! Good-bye, Discman.

In 2008, I got my sister to buy the iPod Touch for me at a staff discount and for the first time, I had the Internet in the palm of my hand. It changed my life.

I not only went everywhere with it, I was sleeping with it. If I could marry it and book an HDB flat with it, I would. If I could have children with it, I would. My wife got a little jealous.



Two years later, I upgraded to the iPhone, which to me, is just an iPod Touch that I can make phone calls with.

And then Apple introduced the iPad, which looked great until ... eh, how come no Flash support?

So now I’m hating Apple again – actually, just the Apple iPad, at least until the company reverses its anti-Flash policy.

I have a cousin who works at Samsung. I asked him for the Samsung Galaxy Tab 10.1. He got one for me for free last month.

I love it! You know why? It plays Flash.



I’m not sure I would marry it though. It may snore and fart like any other man.

- Published in The New Paper, 9 October 2011

Dear Mr Ong,

Thank you so much for your Apple piece.

So many people are busy praising Steve they completely overlook his bad side.

Like you, I'll use Apple but I won't buy - not since I spent S$1,800 on a PowerBook and S$2,500 on repairs.

I'm aghast people keep saying, "Singapore need more people like Steve."

Really? People who are worth billions but won't give a cent to charity? Is this what we want to tell our kids - and I have none.

Thanks again - as usual, your piece was accurate and entertaining.

Not like some brain-dead celeb who can only echo the 'we need more Jobs' comments.

Best regards,
Tay

Why I must check Facebook during the National Anthem

Hi, my name is S M Ong and I’m addicted to the Internet.

During the singing of the National Anthem at the National Day Parade. I was using my iPhone to check how many “Likes” I had on my Facebook page.

Fortunately, I was watching the NDP on TV in The New Paper newsroom and I wasn’t caught on video looking at my phone when I should be belting out Majulah Singapura with my hand on my heart like all true Singaporeans.

More fortunately, I’m not a Member of Parliament...like, say, Ms Penny Low.



During The Pledge Moment, I was watching the latest episode of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart at thedailyshow.com on my desktop PC, which was fortuitous because Stewart actually mentioned Singapore in that particular episode.



He was talking about US investors looking for a safe haven for their money after the US credit rating was downgraded and joked, “Singapore is looking pretty nice this time of year.”

(The line is at 7:43 in the video below.)



Hooray for Singapore's AAA rating!

I was so delighted to hear Singapore mentioned by an American celebrity other than Seth Rogen and Rupert Murdoch (now a US citizen) – on National Day no less – I forgave myself for not saying the Pledge.

The Internet is not only full of such wonderful surprises – I can also use it to affect change.

Remember the faded Singapore flag outside my neighbour’s window I mentioned in last week’s column?

On Monday morning, I posted the article on the Yew Tee Zone 11 Facebook page and within hours, the flag was replaced with a brand new one.

I feel so empowered.

Now I’m wondering if I can use Facebook to find out what kind of TV set another neighbour has.

He lives in a block opposite mine. Even from as far as my block, I can see through the neighbour’s window that it’s the sharpest high-definition TV I have ever laid eyes on.

It makes my own HD TV look like a crayon drawing. Why is the HD TV always sharper on the other side?



I want to know what brand my neighbour’s HD TV is and whether it’s an LCD, LED or plasma TV.

I’m tempted to knock on my neighbour’s door and ask, but I’m afraid it might be a little weird to go to a stranger’s home just to find out what kind of TV he has after coveting it from afar for so long.

Maybe I’ll use the Yew Tee Zone 11 Facebook page instead.

The Internet is so useful that I feel the need to be connected almost all the time.

When I sleep, I have my iPhone beside me so that when I wake up, I can surf the Web right away.

My wife is so frustrated with my addiction that she has forced me to choose between sleeping with her or with my iPhone.

Afraid to go cold turkey, I managed to convince her that our king-size bed is big enough for a threesome.



Have I hit rock bottom yet?

Just let me check my Facebook page one more time. You may carry on with the National Anthem.

- Published in The New Paper, 14 August 2011

iPad 2 released same day as my Grow & Share Package - coincidence?

What an exciting Friday I had - and I'm not just talking about the royal wedding, to which I was inexplicably not invited.



That was the day my Grow and Share Package was deposited into my bank account, even though the notification letter had said the money wouldn't be in until today, which is May Day.

It would've been the closest I would ever get to a May Day Award.

But I got my Grow and Share Package two days early! Woohoo!

It was even more exciting than Nomination Day, which was the day the trailer for Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows Part 2 was finally released online.



This time, the movie (premiering in July) better be in 3D as promised in the trailer. Without 3D, how will we be able to fully appreciate the woman that Harry Potter star Emma Watson has grown into?

I’m so happy to get the free money from the PAP Government that if Polling Day were today, I would vote for ...

Actually, I wouldn't know who to vote for because I would be too confused by the sudden change of Polling Day. Isn't it on Saturday?

Three weeks ago, I wrote a column wondering how I should spend my $700 Grow and Share Package and concluded that I would get the Apple iPad 2 even though it wasn’t available in Singapore yet.



Well, Apple has finally released the iPad 2 here – on the same day I got my Grow and Share Package!

Coincidence?

Or an insanely great marketing plan?

Like Michelle Chia, I want the white one. Thankfully, I don’t have to divorce Shaun Chen to get it.

The cheapest iPad 2 is priced at $668, which means I will still have enough left over from my Grow and Share Package to get both the Tin Pei Ling and Nicole Seah sushi rolls.



I wouldn’t mind seeing them in 3D, if you know what I mean. I’m talking about the sushi rolls.

But since I don't intend to spend all my remaining $32 on sushi rolls no matter how comely they are, I will still have few bucks left.



Being a big fan of the MRT jingles by Dim Sum Dollies Selena Tan and Pam Oei, who last week appealed on their Facebook pages for people to help a group of would-be independent candidates pay for their election deposits, maybe I can donate my last remaining dollars to them.

No, wait, I just realised I’m four days too late – just as they were 30 seconds too late.

But with all this election talk about the rising cost of living (and the iPad 2 being sold out), I’m now having second thoughts about blowing my Grow and Share Package on such non-essentials.

So I've decided to save my money and spend it wisely only on something I really really really need.

I’m getting the white iPhone.



- Published in The New Paper, 1 May 2011

UPDATE: Slight delay in some 'Grow & Share' cheques

How should I spend my Grow & Share Package?

Free money alert!

Have you received your 2011 Grow & Share Package letter yet? I just found out I’m getting $700.

On top of that, I’ve also received the refund cheque of $110 for the 2011 Radio and TV Licence fee.

I’m rich!

Maybe now I can afford to buy the iPad 2.



No, wait. I just realised it’s not available in Singapore yet.

Then maybe now I can afford to eat at a “cultured” Holland Village restaurant.

No, wait. I just realised I don’t like Dutch food.

Then maybe now I can afford to buy over the domain name temasekreview.com since the website’s editor has said that it’s shutting down.

No, wait. I just realised I don’t want to be sued by Temasek Holdings.

Then maybe now I can afford to buy tickets for the Justin Bieber concert at the Singapore Indoor Stadium.

No, wait. I just realised I’m not a 13-year-old girl and no longer wish to contribute to the further decline of civilisation.

Besides, I like only that one song: “Baby, baby... oh!”



Then maybe now I can afford to hire a company to write me a song with a chorus that sounds like “Baby, baby” and produce a video of me performing it with my friends, which I can then upload onto YouTube.

No, wait. I just remembered I’m not a 13-year-old girl and no longer wish to contribute to the further decline of civilisation.



Then maybe now I can afford to buy that Kate Spade bag which I’ve wanted, like, forever. It’s white to match my cute white baker’s hat.



No, wait. I just realised I’m not a 27-year-old woman who is really, really concerned about such important issues as caring for the elderly and how Mother Tongue should be taught.

Hey, isn’t Sharon Au back in Singapore after completing her studies in Japan?

Then maybe now I can afford to hire her to star in the follow-up to her 2005 dramedy Tiramisu.

No, wait. I just realised I can’t remember the name of her hunky Thai co-star or much else about the show – except that it was one of the lowest rated local series on Channel 5, ever.

Then maybe now I can afford to erase the biggest regret of my life by finally taking my parents to Universal Studios Singapore at Resorts World Sentosa.

No, wait. I just realised my father is dead and I can’t stand my mother.

Then maybe now I can afford to hire a maid to help me carry my wallat which is getting so heavy from all the money I got for my Grow & Share Package and TV licence fee refund.

No, wait. I just realised I’ve already completed my national service. So I don't need a maid anymore.

Then maybe I should just donate the money to charity.

No, wait. I just realised the iPad 2 comes in white, which matches my cute white baker’s hat!



I think I’ll just wait for the iPad 2 – the white one.



- Published in The New Paper, 10 April 2011

UPDATE: iPad 2 released same day as my Grow & Share Package - coincidence?

Who wants to be the richest guy in the cemetery?

Is death really the great leveller?

When Singapore's richest man Ng Teng Fong died on Tuesday, it was front page news.

Three days earlier, Tan Eng Yoon, who represented our country in the 1956 Olympics, was killed in a road accident and also made the news, but the coverage was nothing compared to what Ng's death was getting.

When I die, no one besides my immediate family will know because I won't be able to update my Facebook status. Maybe I'll tweet something.

Coincidentally, on the night before I learned of the death of Singapore's richest man, I chanced upon YouTube video of a 2007 joint interview with two great business rivals, Apple's Steve Jobs and Microsoft's Bill Gates.



The latter, of course, has been the world's richest man for the past two decades or so, occasionally giving up the top spot to stock picker extraordinaire Warren Buffett, depending on the vagaries of the stock market.

Asked if he envied Mr Gates, Mr Jobs replied in the video: "I think the world is a better place because Bill realised that his goal isn’t to be the richest guy in the cemetery."

Mr Jobs was referring to Mr Gate's 2006 announcement that the Microsoft founder would relinquish his day-to-day role at the company to focus on philanthropy and giving away some of the billions he made through the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation.

Mr Jobs, on the other hand, was more focused on launching a new Apple product, the iPad, last week. Judging by its name, I'm guessing it's a revolutionary digital feminine hygiene device.



Maybe Mr Gates was heeding the words of another iconic entrepreneur who said: “There's no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery. You can't do any business from there.”

That iconic entrepreneur was Colonel Harlan Sanders. Yes, that Colonel Sanders.



Anyway, the day after I saw the video, my colleague Paik Choo mentioned that she had been assigned to cover Mr Ng's wake and I thought of what Mr Jobs said.

Whether it was his goal or not, Mr Ng will probably be the richest guy in the cemetery.

According to reports, he was a reclusive man, but a generous boss. No mention of any philanthropy though. However, that could just mean he donated millions to charity but chose not to send press releases about it.

Where does that leave the rest of us who have yet to make our first billion? What will be our legacy?

Like Bill Gates, I can never get a good haircut and my goal also isn't to be the richest guy in the cemetery.

No, my goal is to be the wealthiest pile of ash in the columbarium. And the world is a better place for it.

But for now, I just want some fried chicken. Extra crispy.

- Published in The New Paper, 7 February 2010

UPDATE: Apple co-founder Steve Jobs died on Oct 5, 2011. He was 56.

iPhone again? I'd rather talk about hunky vampires and werewolves

On Wednesday, a friend asked me if I was getting the iPhone since prices are going down because of the telco war that broke out last week. He already has an iPhone, but was thinking of getting one for his girlfriend.

Not again. It seemed like every other conversation I’ve had recently – or overheard – was about whether someone was or wasn’t getting an iPhone.

So I just rolled my eyes and tried to steer the discussion to something less banal – like whether Robert Pattinson or Tayler Lautner is hotter.



Then my friend mentioned that to fight off M1 and StarHub, SingTel was offering the iPhone for $0 with its lowest-priced plan, which is $39 a month.

I said no way. If that were true, then everyone would get the iPhone – SingTel might as well not bother selling any other handphone models.

My friend insisted that he saw the SingTel ad in the newspaper. I insisted that he must have misread the ad.

So we made a bet that if he was right, I would buy him a meal. We hooked each other’s pinky finger to seal the wager and went to find a copy of a newspaper.

And there it was – a full-page SingTel ad with a huge picture of the iPhone 3GS. The copy read: “$0 on iFlexi Plans.”

I couldn’t believe it – I had to pay for someone else’s food. The horror.

The iPhone ads that day by the other two telco didn't say how much they were charging for the handset. SingTel had clearly trumped them.

For $39 a month, it would be remiss of me not to get an iPhone for myself – and my entire family.’

All of a sudden, my beloved iPod Touch, bought only two months ago, seemed hopelessly inadequate. Why couldn’t I make phone calls with this damn thing? It was like owning a black and white TV when everyone else had full HD.

I felt sorry for the suckers who paid hundreds of dollars for the iPhone just before the war broke out.

My friend decided to get the iPhone for his girlfriend and called SingTel to apply for the $39 iFlexi plan right there and then – with his iPhone, of course, which he paid hundreds of dollars for.

That was when he found out that he had to pay over $500 for the phone. Huh?

But didn’t the ad say $0?

We had failed to notice the fine print at the bottom of the ad. The $0 price only applied to the $95 and $205 iFlexi plans, he was told. Alamak! Who’s the sucker now?

This is what I call "LPPL", an abbreviation of a Hokkien phrase I picked up during NS regarding the collision of the male genitalia.

If you compare the iPhone plans of the three telcos now, they are actually not that different from one another. Both M1 and StarHub are also offering $0 iPhones with the higher priced plans.

I don’t know if my friend is still getting an iPhone for his girlfriend – but at least I got a free meal out of him.

- Published in The New Paper, 13 December 2009

iPhone-crazy? Not so kid-friendly apps in Apple's online store

Everyone seems to be a little iPhone-crazy these days.

When M1 announced two weeks ago that it will be the second telco to sell the hot Apple gizmo in Singapore, it was big news.

When I mentioned to a colleague that I was succumbing to the hype and considering getting the iPhone, she went into a rage. She threatened that if I set my iPhone to have the same ringtone as hers, she would take my iPhone and pee on it.

When I said I haven't even decided to get the iPhone, much less what the ringtone would be, she said she couldn't care less and reiterated her urination threat. She was that possessive about her ringtone.

Like I said, iPhone-crazy.

But even precluding the fear of my telecommunication device being doused with my colleague's DNA, it is unlikely that I will get the iPhone anytime soon.

For one thing, I've recently already recontracted with my mobile carrier. Plus I have little desire to pay data charges.

Actually, all I really wanted was to replace my old second-gen iPod Nano that I lost a while ago.

So what I did do?

I decided to get the closest thing to an iPhone I could get without a contract - the iPod Touch.

Why I chose it over the new iPod Classic or Nano, which now comes with a video camera, can be summarised in one word: games.

I figured when I'm not using the iPod Touch, I could let my children download free games onto it after their exams.

So to try it out, I went online to see what's available in Apple's Singapore Apps Store. I browsed my way to the "Entertainment" category and my eyes popped out of my head.

Mixed in together with such kiddy apps like Kitty BubbleWrap and Burping Pillow were somewhat more adult titles, specifically Bikini World, Blonde Bikini Girls, Asian Boobs, A+ Japan Busty, 1001 Sex Life Stories, Alexis Texas Strip Tease, Body Sushi - Sexy Match-Up Game, Naughty Hotties: Video To Go, Asian Hot Sexy Model Premium Series #1 Free and Pocket Girlfriend.

What if I hadn't found this out before I let my kids log on?

Where was the parental warning? It was only after I clicked on the adult app that I got the message: "You must be at least 17 years old to download this application."

By then, my children would've been exposed to more semi-clad oversized chest than I was comfortable with. They have already been traumatised enough by my moobs.

Why can't the adult apps be segregated into a "Mature" category that I can tell my kids to avoid?

That was when it hit me - I should've bought my kids a PSP instead. For sure, there would be no danger of my colleague going No 1 on it.

- Published in The New Paper, 25 October 2009

UPDATE: Apple Removes Some Adult Apps (23 February 2010)