Sunday 12 January 2014

Alviva split, breast man weds & three shows worse than Rules Of Tham

I thought I had today’s column planned out.

I was going to write about former NUS scholar Alvin Tan breaking up with his sex-blogging partner, Miss Vivian Lee.

Described as a “self-proclaimed aspiring porn star”, Mr Tan said he caught Miss Lee having sex with someone else on Dec 28.

He told The New Paper: “What did you expect me to do? Say ‘oops, I’m sorry’ and close the door? This is not cool… not honest.”

How to be a porn star like that? Everyone knows that in porn, when you catch someone having sex with another person, you’re supposed to to join them and make it a threesome.

It’s standard.

Anyway, Miss Lee said she still loves Mr Tan and desperately wants him back.

Well, if he doesn’t take her back, I believe there are plenty of other self-promoting fish in the sea who like making videos about themselves.

Like Mr Kurt Tay, the man with C-cup breast implants.

Unfortunately for Miss Lee, Mr Tay is no longer single, having just married. Through a matchmaking agency, he found a Vietnamese woman willing to wed a guy bustier than her. He was the groom and breast man at his own wedding.

But despite his ample bosom, at least it’s clear that Mr Tay is a man and not a woman.

Unlike “Heather Chua”, whom I thought was a woman but turned out to be a man.

The 22-year-old man is now being investigated by police for allegedly making racially insensitive remarks online under the name “Heather Chua”.

I wonder how big his breasts are.

And that was roughly how I planned to write the column about Alvivi.

But my plan was thwarted when I received this SMS from an ex-MediaCorp colleague: “Did you just watch the latest Ch 5 sitcom? TV has sunk to a new low. Please write about it in your column.”

The sitcom she was referring to was Rules Of Tham, which premiered on Tuesday night.

I was initially reluctant to do another column about a Channel 5 show as I had already written about the New Year’s Eve countdown show last week.

I’m also wary of anything described as “a new low”.

Especially since someone on Facebook just called my New Year’s Eve column an “all-time low”.

Really? “All-time low”? Should I alert Guinness World Records?

Is it lower than the column where I mistook local football hero Quah Kim Song for Worker’s Party chairman Sylvia Lim's mum?

Or the column where my mother called national swimmer Tao Li fat?

But who knows? My ex-colleague could be right. Maybe Rules Of Tham is “a new low”.

However, in the race to the bottom, there are a number of Channel 5 shows that Rules Of Tham has to be worse than to earn the title of “new low”.

And I’m not just talking about VR Man because everyone remembers VR Man even though it premiered way back in 1998. I’m talking about more recent shows that you’ve probably forgotten even though they were overhyped by MediaCorp at the time.

Like After Hours (2007), starring Joanne Peh and MTV Asia veejay Utt, which lived up to its name when it was moved from 10pm to an even later time slot mid-season after poor ratings.

And Tiramisu (2006), starring bonded MediaCorp scholar Sharon Au, which could be the lowest rated local comedy in prime time ever.

And Now Boarding (2001), starring Mark Richmond’s first two wives, Vernetta Lopez and Beatrice Chia-Richmond, probably the only local series to be cancelled mid-season.

All three achieved new lows. I don’t think Rules Of Tham is quite there yet.

What struck me about the show is that Nominated Member of Parliament Janice Koh plays the titular Professor Tham and the Media Development Authority logo appears at the end.

This would suggest that the show is endorsed by the Government. As such, I would expect the casting to be more representative of Singapore’s multi-racial populace.

So for my critique of Rules Of Tham, I’m going to copy parts of Ivan Heng’s critique of the New Year's Eve countdown show.

I’m sorry to say this, but Rules Of Tham is so “cheena”.

Both its stars Kimberly Chia and Edwin Goh are from the Channel 8 drama On The Fringe. Please. We are still three weeks from the Year of the Horse.

Wake up your idea, MediaCorp. This is public service broadcasting. Where are the Malays and Indians?

(Joakim Gomez is only half Indian, so I’m not sure he counts.)

No, folks. I’m not coming home to 5. Because it’s not home.

Thank you, Ivan Heng.

By the way, in the first episode of Rules Of Tham, the characters spend a lot of time making videos about themselves.

That reminds me of the people I mentioned at the beginning of this column.

Hey, maybe this column can be about Alvivi after all.

Described as a “self-proclaimed aspiring porn star”, Mr Tan said he caught Miss Lee having sex with someone else on Dec 28...

- Published in The New Paper, 12 January 2014