Friday 27 July 2012

Getting your chicks for free: What are the career options?

People sometimes ask me why my hair is so long.

The answer is simple – haircuts cost money.

And it's not just a one-time cost because hair grows back. So to maintain a short length, you need to pay to get your hair cut again and again. It adds up, you know?

Some people have suggested that I shave my head.

I don't understand how that suggestion helps because shaving my head costs money too.

Even at the Hair For Hope event at VivoCity this weekend, you have to pay at least $20 as a walk-in to get your head shaved.

I understand it’s for a good cause, but it's only $10 at QB House.

Perhaps the idea is that if I shaved my head, it would take longer for my hair to grow back and so I would need to visit the barber less often and thus save money.

My response to that is, wouldn't I save more money by not cutting my hair at all?

Anyway, when I was in school and national service, that was sort of what I did – I cut my hair botak each time I went to the barber so that I got my money's worth.

Then I would let my hair grow until the discipline master or the encik started giving me the evil eye and I would get a durian head again.

This went on until I was 40 when I got my Hamilton watch from the Government for my years of military service to the Republic of Singapore and was no longer liable for call-up.

That was when I decided that since I don’t have to cut my hair anymore, I would stop doing it. Free at last!

Okay, all that you have just read? It’s just a cover story.

Want to know the real reason my hair is so long? It’s because I want to look like a rock star.

Why do I want to be a rock star?

Because I want to get my money for nothing and my chicks for free. You know how much I like free stuff.

But after all these years of using a Dire Straits song as a guide for major life decisions, I now realise that I could have aspired to other professions if my aim was to get chicks for free.

I should’ve gone into medicine or law instead – just like my mother wanted!

Last week, a psychiatrist was suspended and fined for having a sexual relationship with a patient while a National University of Singapore law professor was charged with having sex with a student in exchange for giving her a better grade.

If only I had listened to my mother, I could be naked with a patient or a law student (maybe even both) at this very moment.

Too bad I wasn’t so academically inclined in my youth. Instead of trying to get into medical school or law school, I was too busy learning the guitar and writing songs about selling my soul for rock ‘n’ roll when I should be writing songs about selling my soul for a roll in the hay.

Remember recently, it was alleged that former Singapore Civil Defence Force (SCDF) chief Peter Lim Sin Pang had sexual encounters with three female IT executives in three different carparks, a Clementi flat, a Tanjong Rhu apartment and a Paris hotel?

I was so jealous. Even Russell Brand would be jealous – and Brand used to be married to Katy Perry’s breasts.

And as if to purposely show me up, the SCDF guy looks like the opposite of a rock star. Still water runs creep.

And he didn’t even go to medical school or law school. He studied mechanical engineering. I studied electronics engineering.

Hey, I also know CPR (I give great mouth-to-mouth) and how to handle a hose. Why can’t I be the head of SCDF?

But I guess I should stop deluding myself. I’m never going to be a head of a government agency so that I can have sex in a stationary vehicle.

I’m never going to be a psychiatrist or a law professor. And most tragic of all, I’m never going to be a rock star. So Adam Levine has one less rival to worry about. Anybody wants to buy a used guitar?

Well, what are my career options now?

I applied to be the director of the movie Snow White And The Huntsman, but apparently, that position had already been filled.

Wait. I know what to do – I can become a teacher!

That’s the way you do it.

Finally, I have a reason to cut my hair. QB House, here I come.

- Unpublished