S M Ong: May 2018

Monday, 28 May 2018

Summit or no summit, I'm rescinding my invitation to Stormy Daniels to visit Singapore

Her Storminess
Stephanie Clifford (aka Stormy Daniels)
Three-time F.A.M.E. (Fans of Adult Media and Entertainment) Award winner for Favourite Breasts

Dear Ms Clifford,

I greatly appreciate your time, patience, and effort with respect to my recent request that you don’t get President Donald Trump impeached before the summit between the US and North Korea, which was scheduled to take place on June 12 in Singapore.

In return, I invited you to visit Singapore as my personal guest.

I was informed on Thursday that the meeting was cancelled by Mr Trump in a letter to Mr Kim Jong Un.

But that to me is totally irrelevant because on Saturday, Mr Trump tweeted:

“We are having very productive talks about reinstating the Summit which, if it does happen, will likely remain in Singapore on the same date, June 12, and, if necessary, will be extended beyond that date.”

There’s still hope. Fingers crossed.

Although I understand that some Singaporeans were relieved when they first heard news of the cancellation.

And groaned again when it was reported that the White House was still sending a team here to prepare for the summit.

It’s like this year’s National Day Parade organisers. They can’t decide whether they want a new National Day song or not. So we have half a new song instead.

But even if the summit doesn’t happen, I still want something to remember these few weeks of will-they-won’t-they by.

That was why I went to the White House Gift Shop website to order the commemorative summit coin featuring “raised silhouettes of President Donald J. Trump and North Korea's Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un”.

The “Deal of the Day Price” is US$19.95, down from the regular price of US$24.95. I even managed to find a 10 per cent-off coupon code which saved me another two bucks

But I balked when I saw that shipping to Singapore costs US$60.50. That’s more than three times the cost of the coin itself!

I’m not a “billionaire” like Mr Trump, you know?

I was very much looking forward to you being here in Singapore with me.

Sadly, based on the tremendous uncertainty and open dithering displayed in your President’s most recent statement, I feel it is inappropriate, at this time, to have your long-planned visit to Singapore.

The thing is, even if you don't get Mr Trump impeached before June 12, the summit could still be called off.

Therefore, please let this letter serve to represent that your visit to Singapore, to the detriment of both parties, but for the good of my marriage, will not take place.

You talk about spanking Mr Trump with a rolled-up copy of Forbes magazine with his picture on the cover, but our caning is so massive and powerful that I pray to God it will never have to be used on me. Ask Michael Fay.

I felt a wonderful dialogue was building up between you and me, and ultimately, it is only that dialogue that matters. Someday, I look very much forward to meeting you as well as Thunder and Lightning.

In the meantime, I want to thank you for the release of your movies even though we in Singapore aren’t allowed to see them. That was a beautiful gesture and was very much appreciated.

If I change my mind having to do with this most important visit, I will not hesitate to call you or write. Singapore, and myself in particular, has lost a great opportunity to see Your Storminess in the flesh.

This missed opportunity is a truly sad moment in history.

Sincerely yours,
S M Ong

- Published in The New Paper, 28 May 2018

EARLIER: Dear Stormy, please don't get Trump impeached ... before he comes to Singapore

Sunday, 20 May 2018

My first Sundown (half) Marathon

My first night race was last year's Marina Run, which was a miserable experience.

Last night's Sundown Marathon was much bigger and had a better atmosphere.

I was hoping to see my Baey Yam Keng there but he was in the 10km race which was earlier.

This was my first half marathon of the year.

Despite battling a stubborn left leg injury for the past two months, I felt good about the race. At least I wasn't limping or in pain when I ran.

The starting line was near the F1 Pit Building like the Star Wars Run.

Flag-off for the 21.1km race was supposed to be 11.45pm, but was a couple of minutes late.

I lied that I could finish in under two hours to get into the first wave so that I could catch the 3am transport home I booked through ShareTransport. If I had told the truth that it would take me close to three hours, I would have been in the third wave and might have missed my ride.

There were quite a number of U-turns especially in the first half of the race, but I appreciated the wide route in the early part of the race.

I was surprised there wasn't a hydration point until after the 6km mark.

By 12km, I was practically walking at the pace I was jogging.

This was another one of those races where I told myself I was not going to join any more races after this year.

I'm getting too old and too many injuries to keep doing this.

To my surprise, I still had enough petrol in the tamk to sprint the last kilometre.

But my time was still nowhere near my personal best of 2 hours 40 minutes.

After the race, runners were given a green banana. I'm someone who almost never rejects food, but the banana was so unripe I spat it out after one bite.

I didn't have much time after the race anyway. It was close to 3am when I crossed the finish line. I caught the transport to Yew Tee with just minutes to spare.

It was a good thing I lied.

Monday, 14 May 2018

Dear Stormy, please don't get Trump impeached ... before he comes to Singapore

Dear Stormy Daniels,

Big fan. Loved you in The 40-Year-Old Virgin and Knocked Up.

Your surprise appearance on Saturday Night Live a week ago was a hoot. Maybe two.

In the SNL sketch, US President Donald Trump (played by Alec Baldwin) asked you over the phone: “What do you need for all this to go away?”

You (played by you) replied: “A resignation.”

Who did you think you were talking to? Then-Malaysian prime minister Najib Razak?

I know you and Mr Trump have a complicated history.

His lawyer admitted to paying you US$130,000 not to talk about your alleged 2006 affair with Mr Trump.

You claimed you once spanked him with a magazine with him on the cover.

And you’re the one suing him for defamation.

Is it me or are you trying to bring down the President of the United States?

Which is your prerogative.

But can you just do me one favour?

If you do bring down President Trump, can you do it after June 12?

Wait a month. Please?

You see, five days after your SNL appearance, Mr Trump tweeted that he is meeting North Korean leader Kim Jong Un in Singapore on that date.

Many of us Singaporeans are really excited about it. Our country hasn’t been in the international spotlight like this since, uh... the Crazy Rich Asians trailer?

Even our Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong said “he looked forward to welcoming President Trump to Singapore”.

We have not been this hyped for an American visiting our little island since Robert Downey Jr.

He is Iron Man, you know.

And just like in Avengers: Infinity War, nothing less than the fate of half the universe – or at least the Korean peninsula – is at stake.

You don’t want to be Thanos, do you? (Spoiler: He killed a lot of people.)

Personally, I am more psyched that Mr Kim is coming to Singapore.

I went to North Korea two years ago just to get a haircut like his – and I haven’t cut my hair since.

My hair has grown so long and unsightly that my wife is now begging me to cut it. And in honour of Rocket Man’s visit, I may actually do it.

But if you get Mr Trump’s resignation (like you said you wanted on SNL) before June 12, the meeting could be called off and Mr Kim wouldn’t be coming, which means no haircut.

You don’t want to disappoint my wife, do you?

In return, I would offer to buy all the movies you directed – except that I don’t think they are allowed in Singapore. (Though spanking is.)

Instead, I would like to invite you to the Lion City as my guest.

I will take you to Gardens by the Bay and eat crispy chicken rendang and all that, and we can talk smack about Seth Rogen.

My wife would probably insist on the tagging along. Just try and stop her!

It will be fun. You can see my new haircut.

By the way, can you tell me how I can get in touch with Special Counsel Robert Mueller as well?

I would ask the US ambassador to Singapore, but there isn’t one.

Here’s hoping Mr Mueller doesn’t get Mr Trump impeached before June 12 too.

After June 12, whatevs.

Thanks for reading this and give my best to Thunder and Lightning.

- Published in The New Paper, 14 May 2018

UPDATE: Summit or no summit, I'm rescinding my invitation to Stormy Daniels to visit Singapore