Sunday 3 June 2012

Gaga's gone, let's protest Katy Perry!

Is it Halloween already?

No, it's Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, better known as...

All I hear is Lady Gaga, Lady Googoo, Lady Gaga.

Halloween came early this year as Her Monstrosity completed her three-night stand at the Singapore Indoor Stadium last week and her fans, or Little Monsters, dressed up to look the part.

Nando's even offered a whole chicken if you showed up at the restaurant dressed as Lady Gaga. But I don't know whether you'd get water or not. I wouldn't wear the meat dress in case the restaurant cooks it by mistake.

The US singer's concert in Indonesia was cancelled due to protests and security concerns. There were also protests in South Korea, the Philippines and Thailand - but none in Singapore.

That kind of makes me feel left out.

While she has been condemned elsewhere for her provocative image, mocking religious figures, promoting homosexuality, ripping off Madonna and tweeting about buying a fake Rolex, one Singapore minister actually held up Lady Gaga as a role model.

At an event last July, Mr Lim Swee Say reportedly said: "Somehow, Lady Gaga is able to engage her fans all over the world, not just with her songs... but also with experiences. Every (company) ought to find a way such that more of you will become like the Lady Gaga of your respective sectors."

Yes, the Minister in the Prime Minister's Office was telling us to be like Gaga - which explains the early Halloween, I guess.

So no protests against Mother Monster in Singapore then. (We'd rather protest SingTel mioTV anyway.)

But there are still plenty of foreign musical acts coming to town who haven't been endorsed by a minister.

Now which ones can Singaporeans protest against? Here are a few suggestions.

Stylistics, June 14

I want to protest against the Stylistics because they no longer have the original lead singer with them. Only two original members of the 70s hit-makers remain.

The guy who sang lead on those 70s hits left the group years ago and formed the New Stylistics.

I would rather see the New Stylistics and hear the correct voice singing the song from the Gatsby commercials: "I can give you Gatsby... Gatsby... Gatsby..."

I believe my wife would rather see the pretty Japanese guy from the Gatsby commercials.

Train, June 17

Eastbound Train service between Boon Lay and Lakeside moving slower due to track fault.

Jason Mraz, June 29

I'm seriously disturbed by the missing vowel in his last name.

Dan Hill, July 1

He had one solo hit, Sometimes When We Touch, 35 years ago and he's giving a concert? Are we supposed to sit through 80 minutes of songs we don't know just for that one hit?

Maybe he'll trot out Vonda Shepard to sing Can't We Try with him for an encore. Yeah, and I'm Ally McBeal.

Stone Roses, July 22

Or is it "Stoned" Roses? Ban them!

Snow Patrol, Aug 6

The band's biggest hit Chasing Cars is not about high COE prices, even though it should be.

The song was also featured on the US TV show Grey's Anatomy, which inflicted Katherine Heigl on the world.

Garbage, Aug 21

The band's song Stupid Girl is hurtful to young women with learning disabilities.

New Order, Aug 22

The band is named after a Nazi ideology. The members used to be in a band called Joy Division, named after sexually exploited women in Nazi concentration camps. That's two Nazi references too many.

Beach Boys, Aug 22

The average age of the five current Beach Gramps is 68. Their audience is even more elderly. Not in my backyard.

Maroon 5, Sept 22

One of the band's biggest hits is Moves Like Jagger, which is about elderly Rolling Stones singer Mick Jagger, who has been arrested for drugs before. Just say no to bands that sing songs about elderly stoners.

Proclaimers, Sept 21 to 23

The identical twin brothers from Scotland wear glasses, obviously mocking the myopia epidemic in Singapore. They shouldn't be allowed within 500 miles of the island.

Bananarama, Sept 22 to 23

The 80s pop trio is now a duo, so they should be called Banarama. Tickets should also be 33 per cent off.

Katy Perry, Sept 23

Her first hit I Kissed A Girl is banned on Singapore radio. Her cleavage was banned on Sesame Street. But most unforgivable of all, she misspelled California Gurls.

Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds, Sept 22 to 23

They're not Oasis.

- Published in The New Paper, 3 June 2012