Sunday 24 June 2012

Ah Lian versus Predator... I mean Priority Seat Aunty

Spoiler alert!

A week after the Alien prequel of sorts Prometheus crash-landed in the cinemas and killed the evil queen from Snow White And The Huntsman (again!), the Ah Lian Versus Priority Seat Aunty (AVP) video spread online like an alien virus on a spaceship without a stringent decontamination protocol.

Where’s a flamethrower when you need one? Maybe I can use a screwdriver.

Just as many moviegoers have questions about the movie Prometheus, I have a few questions about the AVP video.

The video shows an alien... I mean Ah Lian standing in the MRT train having a war of words with an aunty in a “priority seat”.

Warning: If you have not seen the video, stop reading this column now. It will give away major plot points and dialogue.

By the way, if you’re planning to watch the video, I hope you’re not younger than 16 because even though the video has not been submitted to the Media Development Authority for classification, I believe it should be rated NC16 for explicit language.

What if you’re under 16 and have already seen the video? Hey, if you don’t tell anyone, I won’t tell anyone.

Question 1:

Why is the AVP video in English? This greatly limits its box-office potential. How to appeal to heartlanders like that?

The local productions that are the most consistently profitable are Jack Neo movies. Why? Because they are not in English.

Since the two main characters in the video are supposed to be an Ah Lian and an aunty, wouldn’t it be more natural for them to speak Chinese?

I would attribute the English spoken in the video to the Speak Good English Movement except that the English spoken in the video isn’t good.

At least now non-Chinese-speaking viewers can follow the story without having to read subtitles.

Question 2:

Since the Ah Lian speaks English (or Singlish) and not, say, Hokkien, is it then correct to call her an Ah Lian?

After all, no one actually refers to the younger woman as Ah Lian in the video.

In the first Ah Lian... I mean Alien movie, at least someone called the alien an “alien”, so that we know for sure it’s an alien.

Not being a certified expert on the anthropology of Ah Lians, I cannot verify whether the woman is an Ah Lian or not. But I can verify she’s kind of hot.

And since she has been given the Most Polite Ah Lian Award online for her, uh, restraint in the video (plus she said “please” and “thank you”), she’s pretty much stuck with the Ah Lian label.

I hope she attends the award ceremony. I wonder what she’ll wear for the red carpet. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it’s something low-cut. Please and thank you.

By the way, I have no problems with the older woman being called aunty. Just don’t call me uncle.

Question 3:

Why does the aunty say to Ah Lian, “Most probably you’re from China”?

Doesn’t the aunty know that Singapore is not in China, but in Europe? Doesn’t she follow Amanda Bieber on Twitter?

Amanda Bieber, also known as Manda Swaggie, is the pseudonym of an online troll, which went viral last week with this tweet: “Amanda Bieber and Manda Swaggie is trending in Singapore. Does that mean I'm famous in Europe? :D SWAG!”

I’m guessing the aunty doesn’t have a Twitter account.

Question 4:

Why isn’t Mr Alex Ong in the video?

Mr Ong, a well-known local scarf aficionado, recently starred in his own viral video where he threatened to hit an older woman on the bus and eventually pushed her off, but he later apologised.

Wouldn’t it have been cool if after Ah Lian gets off the train, Mr Ong enters the frame and stands in front of the aunty just before the video ends? What a cliffhanger!

I would pay to watch the sequel - AVP2: Alex Ong Versus Priority Seat Aunty.

Question 5:

What are the headphones Ah Lian is using in the video?

They look like Monster Beats by Dr Dre, but I want to know if they’re the real thing or fakes.

In case the Ah Lian is reading this, she can tell me by writing to my e-mail address here on this page.

So e-mail me, maybe?

- Published in The New Paper, 24 June 2012

SM Ong,

Firstly hilarious article on Sunday paper, do you know that the fake Beats outnumber the authentic Beats Headphone/Earphone out there on a ratio of 5:1, basically the fake one come in 3 different categories, priced differently as well.



Your article is classified as Humour but I have to say it failed to even make me smile. I am not related to te Ah Lian by the way. My question is, do u have to make a mockery of her by questioning, of all things, if her headphones are the real thing. If that is meant to bring humour to your article, it certainly was in distaste and you have failed miserably. Give me Dawson Cheong anytime.


Dear Smong,

After your last line: E-mail me, maybe, Baby!

And she does reply ...

And so the story continues...

U get a reply... From the Alien (aka - Ah Lien). I call in JN (aka Jack Neo),
To make a sequel in Mandarin!! - this time around.

From AVP3 - the story progresses - in tru style and takes the spin off a step further - alien mates - with U - to extend her progeny - aka Species - except she's no Natasha Henstridge.

I do believe Species spawned a whole lot of other franchises - and on and on it goes. Jack Neo's career is revived.

He goes on and scores with many of his female leads and now - THAT is a horror story in its own right!!!!

Glad I cld b of help!!



UPDATE: The Ah Lian has been identified and she doesn't like being called Ah Lian (but that doesn't mean she isn't one)