Sunday 1 April 2012

I was driving my Ferrari to Orchard Towers when...

So I finally decided to get a car.

And it’s not because of the frequent MRT delays that have become the new normal.

And it's not because I don't want to be charged $1,210.78 for a cab ride from Bugis to Marine Terrace if I want to pay by Nets.

And it’s not because that rather than making sure commuters don’t get overcharged, TransitLink is making it easier for us to get refunds when we get overcharged. Are we supposed to say “thank you”?

No, I decided to get a car because I don’t want to get my beautiful buttocks burned by a “wet” seat on the MRT train. (Well, that’s one way of making sure no one takes the “reserved” seat.)

But what car should I get?

Since I’ve been told that I’m having a mid-life crisis, I feel obliged to conform to the stereotype and buy a sports car.

After all, I still have so much money left over from all the millions I made from writing the script for Phua Chu Kang The Movie, which, as everyone knows, was a huge mega-superhit.

At first, I wanted to get a Lamborghini because it rhymes with bikini. Just ask Ris Low. (Remember her?)

But then I’m reminded that Gurmit Singh (yes, Mr Phua Chu Kang himself) also drives a Lambo.

I haven’t seen Gurmit’s car myself, but I’m told it’s black, the doors open like wings and it looks like the Batmobile.

I believe Gurmit, who’s 47, is also merely conforming to the mid-life crisis stereotype and being a MediaCorp actor, he is obviously well-practised in playing stereotypes.

But the last thing I want is to be accused of copying Gurmit, Singapore’s most popular comedian ever.

So I left the Lambo in limbo and pondered purchasing a Porsche.

But I wasn’t sure whether Porsche is pronounced with two syllables or one and that was how I ended up with a Ferrari.

One reason I picked the Ferrari is that its logo is a horse.

I was born in the year of the horse and so naturally, I like to collect stuff with horses on them.

I once bought a box of Horse Brand bird's nest - even though I don't like bird's nest - just to collect the box and threw away the bird's nest. Best $3,880 I had ever spent.

My affinity for horses was also why I went to Orchard Towers for the first time about a week ago.

I had heard that the building is also known as Four Floors of Horse. I figured there must be many shops in the building selling items with horses on them.

I wanted to get something nice to decorate my brand new Ferrari.

Because I had never been to Orchard Towers before, much less drive there, I had trouble finding the entrance to the carpark.

But then I decided that since I was driving a Ferrari, I should be allowed to park anywhere I want because, well, I was driving a Ferrari.

It turned out the most convenient place to park was at the zebra crossing because it was closest to the building entrance.

I was surprised and delighted to see so many attractive women from different countries at Orchard Towers. They were friendly too.

I thought some of them had rather unusually deep voices, but they were the ones who were particularly fun and sexy.

I was so distracted by the female attention that I forgot what I was doing there in the first place.

And then, don't ask me how, but I realised the attention I was getting wasn’t entirely female.

I suddenly felt the need to get out of Orchard Towers as quickly as possible.

Outside, there was some sort of commotion near the back of my Ferrari. I was afraid the people were going to scratch it.

I managed to get them away from my car, but then this one guy started shouting at me for no good reason.

Maybe it was because my adrenaline was still pumping after what happened with the “ladies” inside, but I was itching for a fight. I wanted to prove my manliness.

Or maybe it was the mid-life crisis.

And then I don’t know what came over me, but...

I just got into my car and drove home. I had enough excitement for the day. I’m getting too old for this sort of thing.

Which is why last week, when I saw the viral video of the Ferrari man getting beaten up at Orchard Towers, I was outraged that so many people online described him as “uncle”.

I was just there with my Ferrari. It could’ve been me!

I hope the police arrest not only all the culprits who beat up the Ferrari man, but also all the netizens who added insult to injury by calling him an “uncle”.

I bet this never happens to Gurmit.

I decided to sell the Ferrari and bought a brand new ez-link card because even getting acid burns on my bum won't be as bad as getting beaten into a coma.

And Orchard MRT station is only a short walk from the... uh... attractions of Orchard Towers.

I’m talking about the horses.

- Published in The New Paper, 1 April 2012

UPDATE: Gurmit Singh doesn't drive a Lamborghini anymore. He bought an Audi S5 in February 2013.