Sunday 2 January 2011

My new year's resolution? I want to be a 'hunkle', but...

Remember three weeks ago when being naked in public was like the fashionable thing in Singapore?

To be part of the “in” crowd, I wanted to go to Burger King and get the Steakhouse Burger in the nude.

In retrospect, I’m relieved I decided against it. (So are the staff of Burger King, I suspect. They’re not paid enough for that kind of punishment. I know how much they're paid because my mother works there.)

I realised apart from possibly getting arrested, I would’ve made a fool of myself if I had gone naked.

When did I realise this?

When I saw a picture of MediaCorp “hunkle” actor Zheng Geping’s awesomely chiselled body in The New Paper on Wednesday.

Now I’m embarrassed by my body even with clothes on.

I mean this guy is older than I am!

I’ve actually met Zheng about six years ago at MediaCorp when he starred in a mini-series I wrote for Channel 8. I had no idea who he was before.

Basically, he used to look, well, like me – doughy with pasty skin – but taller. The sad thing is that at the time, I thought both of us looked pretty good.

Now that he looks like a Manhunt winner while I look like man-chunk reject, it’s even sadder.

Therefore, my new year’s resolution for 2011 is to look like Zheng Geping (again).

According to The New Paper report, to get that youthful hot bod, Zheng trained for three months, pumping weights three days a week and doing cardio five days a week for one and a half hours per session.

I feel winded just typing that.

His diet consists mainly of skinless chicken breast, fish and lean beef plus plenty of eggs.

What? No Steakhouse Burgers?

Wait, I just noticed something.

Zheng, 46, is married to actress Hong Huifang, who is three years older than him.

But because he now looks 20 years younger, she can't help but look like she’s 23 years older than him.

If you thought she looked like his mother before...

That’s just wrong.

How can Zheng be so inconsiderate? How could he so thoughtlessly get those washboard abs when his wife is turning 50 on Friday and looks it?

What happened to chivalry?

I would never do that to my own wife. Being the sensitive New Age husband that I am, I make it a point never to look better than her.

Because that’s what marriage is about – making sacrifices. Just for her, I’m going to stop exercising and eat whatever I want.

You’re welcome, dear.

So I hereby rescind my new year’s resolution to look like Zheng Geping (again).

(I'm not breaking my resolution - I'm rescinding it. There's a difference. It's like annulling a marriage instead of getting a divorce.)

To celebrate, I’m not only getting Steakhouse Burger – I’m getting the Loaded Steakhouse Burger.

And yes, I want the meal.

Now I just have to decide what to wear to Burger King.

- Published in The New Paper, 2 January 2011