Monday 30 March 2020

Singapore should be grateful to Trump: 'Very few' infected here, thanks to his guidelines

Dear President Donald Trump,

How are you holding up? Have you been washing your hands?

No, not because of the Covid-19. But because of all the women you grabbed by the you-know-what.

Luckily, since your hands are so tiny, you need less than 20 seconds to wash them.

You don’t have to sing Happy Birthday twice or even once. Just say the words “happy birthday” and you’re done. Save water.

Do stay healthy. Stop shaking hands. At least you don’t touch your face because of all the spray tan.

Practise social distancing. Ask the First Lady how. She has been doing it for years with you.

Watch where you sit when you eat out even though it’s not true that you could be fined by a Safe Distancing Ambassador. That’s – say it with me – fake news.

I just don’t want you to get sick after all you’ve done for Singapore.

And I’m not talking about you holding the historic US-North Korea summit here in 2018 with the other plus-size world leader with fab hair, Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un. I got the commemorative nickel-plated zinc coin from Singapore Mint for $36. No regrets.

I’m talking about how you helped Singapore fight the Chinese virus – I mean coronavirus, early on.

We are so grateful. Words are not sufficient to express our appreciation. I need a tissue. Where’s Grace Flu?

Of course you’re too modest and humble to bring it up yourself. It was your White House Coronavirus Task Force coordinator, Dr Deborah Birx, who let the pussy out of the bag.

During a “virtual town hall” on the US Fox News channel last week, she said:
“Well, remember in Singapore, they took the President’s guidelines and they executed them very early because they could see China next door…

“So very few people became infected in Singapore.”

What a bombshell.

I didn’t know we have been using your guidelines to fight the outbreak all this time.

Singaporeans didn’t get a chance to thank you.

Why did our Government hide this from us?

I thought we were using guidelines from the old Phua Chu Kang Sars Rap video:
  • “Wash your hands whenever you can. Wash with soap, then at least got hope.”
  • “If you're sick, don't go to work even if your boss is a jerk.”
  • “Cover your mouth when you cough or sneeze. You think everyone want to catch your disease?”

Which are rather similar to a few of your guidelines:
  • “Wash your hands, especially after touching any frequently used item or surface.”
  • “If you feel sick, stay home. Don’t go to work.”
  • “Sneeze or cough into a tissue – or into the inside of your elbow.”

The PCK video came out in 2003. Your guidelines came out earlier this month.

Wait. Does this mean you took the guidelines from our sitcom character?

And our Government took them and released a new PCK music video last week based on those guidelines which are actually from the old PCK Sars video, which was also produced by our Government?

Wow, it’s like a snake eating its own tail. Talk about flu circle.

But I do wonder how our Government could’ve been telling us to wash our hands since January, long before your guidelines came out.

A member of your administration can’t be wrong, right?

After all, according to her, I am able to see China next door. I can even smell the bat soup they’re cooking.

That makes me hungry. I’ll probably get some bak kut teh, which is like bat soup but with less wing. I hear it’s worth breaching a stay-home notice for.

After that, I’ll wash my large hands while singing Imagine.

Before I go, can I just ask you for one favour?

Since you’re the President, can you sign an executive order to make Weird Al Yankovic record a parody of My Sharona called Bye Corona?

Words will not be sufficient to express my appreciation.


- Published in The New Paper, 30 March 2020