Monday 25 November 2019

Goodbye: I'm breaking up with Hello Kitty

Dear Hello Kitty,

We need to talk (even though you don’t have a mouth).

More than a week ago, the plastic food carrier made up of your big head sold out at McDonald’s.

People who are aware of my relationship with you asked me whether I got mine.

I have a confession to make – I didn’t queue for it.

It was a weird feeling at first, not wanting to buy McDonald’s latest promotional novelty.

I mean, I even ordered the McDonald’s pyjamas last month even though I haven’t worn pyjamas since my mother stopped buying them for me.

I decided to skip your carrier because I already got the McDonald’s My Melody food holder last December.

I tried to sell My Melody for $1,001 on Carousell and someone actually offered to buy it.

I waited at Braddell MRT station for half an hour, but no one showed up and the person stopped replying to my messages.

I couldn’t believe anyone could be so evil as to lead me on like that. Faith in humanity destroyed.

This is how Carouhell became a billion-dollar company?

But I guess it was my own fault for stupidly thinking anyone would pay $1,001 for something you can now get for maybe 10 bucks.

So the My Melody holder is still in a box gathering dust at home.

Along with my McDonald’s SG50 Hello Kitty Collector’s Set, which includes six plushies.

And my SingPost SG50 Hello Kitty Plush Collectible Set, which has five toys.

And my six-piece McDonald’s Hello Kitty Bubbly World collection, which I bought in 2014.

And the 40th anniversary Hello Kitty Run medal I got the same year.

I wore the Hello Kitty Run T-shirt to my first death metal concert recently. (Cryptopsy rules!)

But apart from the T-shirt, all the other stuff is pretty much useless.

Am I actually going to use the My Melody food holder to hold my food? Not if I can’t even bear to take it out of the box.

They’re all just sitting there, competing for space with my Star Wars merch, Marvel merch and 125 pairs of running shoes in the Choa Chu Kang flat I share with three other people, also known as my family.

Marie Kondo would commit seppuku if she saw the way I live.

So when McDonald’s announced that Singapore would be the first country where your carrier would be launched, I said no, thanks.

I don’t know where I found the strength.

Initially, there was a fear of missing out. But now, just over a week later, no one cares.

And I realised I don’t have to waste money on every overhyped piece of dreck with your face on it to be happy.

You no longer spark joy. Just maybe some buyer’s remorse.

I’m sorry to say it’s over between us. We had a good run.

Please don’t be sad (not that anyone can tell whether you are since you have no facial expression whatsoever).

You still have millions of real fans, unlike ironic bandwagon jumpers like me.

It’s not you. It’s meow.

If you really must know, yes, there is someone else.

I would die for Baby Yoda.

Goodbye, Kitty.

- Published in The New Paper, 25 November 2019