Monday 25 September 2017

I want to protest Kingsman: The Golden Circle because what kind of ridiculous made-up Singaporean name is Wu Ting Feng?

I want to make a protest.

Not to sound like a dotard, but I’m not sure how.

Hong Lim Park? You mean outside? But it gets so hot. And what if it rains?

And suppose I held a protest and nobody came. So pai seh.

Like Donald Trump and the organisers of the recent “silent protest” at Hong Lim Park against the reserved presidential election, I can be very sensitive about my crowd size.

And this being Singapore, I can’t even blame the smallness on cold weather.

I wish I can do what Soh Rui Yong did.

He’s the marathoner who won the gold medal at the SEA Games last month, which earned him $10,000 from the Singapore National Olympic Council under the Multi-Million Dollar Awards Programme. Under a Team Singapore agreement he signed, Soh is supposed to give 20 per cent of the amount to Singapore Athletics (SA).

But he is not happy about it.

He wrote on Facebook:
“I have submitted in writing a protest against the rule which requires me, and other SEA Games gold medal winning athletes, to give a 20 per cent cut of our award money to our National Sports Association (NSA).

“The reason I’m doing so is because I believe that the 20 per cent of gold medal prize money that every athlete requires to give back to the NSA should not be taken for granted...

“For the 2017 SEA Games, SA has not only failed to adequately help our athletes, but they have also hindered the performance of several athletes with continued infighting, turmoil, and poor administration.”

Who needs Hong Lim Park to protest?

All you need is a gold medal and $2,000 to withhold from the entity you’re protesting against.

So what got Soh so triggered?

A singlet.

Allegedly, on the day of the SEA Games marathon, SA technical director Volker Herrmann shouted at Soh before the race because the runner had cut holes in his singlet to cope with the heat and humidity in Kuala Lumpur.

Soh told The Sunday Times: “I think the fuss that SA kicked up over the holes in my singlet was the last straw.”

Well, $2,000 can sure buy you plenty of new singlets.

Unfortunately for me, I don’t have a gold medal and $2,000 to withhold from the entity I want to protest against.

And the entity I want to protest against?

The movie Kingsman: The Golden Circle.

The reason I want to protest against the sequel to Kingsman: The Secret Service is not the controversial scene where a GPS tracker is inserted into a woman’s vagina.

Or that Channing Tatum is in the movie less than the ads would have you believe.

Or that the original Rocket Man, Sir Elton John, doesn’t sing Rocket Man in the movie.

No, it’s because the movie depicts Singapore as an illicit drug haven populated with nefarious dudes named Wu Ting Feng.

It’s like Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders all over again — but with Halle Berry.

How can I not protest? It’s a matter of national honour.

I mean, what kind of ridiculous made-up Singaporean name is Wu Ting Feng?

Everyone in the cinema laughed when they heard it. The name might as well be Sum Ting Wong.

No, wait, I just googled it.

There’s actually someone in Singapore named Wu Ting Feng.

Oh. Never mind then.

Is it too late for me to cancel my online application to protest at Hong Lim Park?

- Published in The New Paper, 25 September 2017