Sunday 24 July 2016

Please invite me to your wedding, Glenn Ong (I missed your first two)

Dear Glenn Ong,

Congratulations! I just read that you’re finally marrying fellow radio DJ Jean Danker in December.

It’s about time, right? I mean, you have been engaged since 2011 and dating since 2009.

That was like three Ah Boys To Men movies ago. We’ve had four Education Ministers since then.

We’ve had two general elections, two by-elections and one presidential election.

And three MPs have quit because of alleged extra-marital affairs.

Not exactly great advertisement for the institution of marriage.

But then neither are you.

I’m kidding! Who is anyone to judge just because you have been divorced twice and don’t want to make it three in a row?

Still, it was a bit of a shock when you and Jean called off your wedding in 2012.

Back then, she told The New Paper that she had cold feet after a fitting for a bridal magazine photo shoot.

“The gowns were beautiful,” she said. “Then I was like oh-oh, we were jumping the gun. I panicked a bit. I had sweaty palms. The vision that was running through my head was that of the wedding, and it was just too overwhelming.”

Last week, Jean explained to Today newspaper that her mother died soon after you proposed.

She said: “It was hard to plan something happy because you’re always grieving.”

But we didn’t know that back then.

In 2012, you told TNP: “People kept asking us when the wedding date was going to be and there was just so much pressure to deal with.”

You said:
“Many times, I feel like I shouldn't have proposed. It was a way of saying to Jean: ‘Look baby, I love you, you're the only one for me and I'm showing you my commitment.’

“I’m regretting it now. I proposed too soon. I wish I could press the reset button and do it all over again.”
Wow. What a bombshell that was.

After that revelation, my wife wanted to bet with me that you and Jean would break up before any wedding.

My wife is such a cynic. Please forgive her. You know how wives are. You’ve had two of them. And another one akan datang.

Way to prove my wife wrong four years later. Now I wish I had taken that bet.

But you know what you can do to help me really rub it in her face?

Invite me to your wedding!

That will definitely show her.

I didn’t get to go to your previous two weddings. I don’t want to miss another one.

Yes, I know that Jean has told Today that the dinner would be a “relatively small affair” with fewer than 30 tables.

Yes, I know that you and I barely know each other.

Yes, I know that we’ve had maybe just one face-to-face conversation back in the 90s.

But we did make eye contact four months ago at the Men’s Health Urbanathlon.

And in February last year, we had a Twitter fight over whether VR Man was funny which devolved into me correcting you on some Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney lyrics that you misattributed to Lionel Richie.

Hey, it’s easy to confuse Say Say Say with Say You Say Me. After all, you’re just a DJ who makes a living playing music.

Sure, our mini feud was no Taylor Swift versus Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, but we made up and I feel like we have bonded on an existential level since then.

You even tweeted:
“All is cool again between @sm0ng and me. Everyone please continue to buy @thenewpaper and read Act Blur! OK?”
So what if I’ve made fun of your proclivity for marrying fellow DJs n this column you were urging your Twitter followers to read? I did it only four times, right?

Just as people have forgiven you for that time you said, “If you have to put these mad dogs to sleep, then you should,” regarding the mentally ill (for which MediaCorp was fined $4,500 in 2012), I believe you are big-hearted enough to let bygones be bygones.

If nothing else, consider me a good luck charm.

You know why your previous two marriages to Kate Reyes and Jamie Yeo didn’t work out? Because I wasn’t invited to the wedding.

I was invited to Gurmit Singh’s wedding in 1995, and he and his wife Melissa are still happily married after more than two decades.

I was also a guest at Mark Richmond and Vernetta Lopez’s wedding dinner, and see how happily married they are now.

To other people.

I shall patiently await your invitation in the mail.

Yours existentially,
S M Ong

- Publlished in The New Paper, 24 July 2016


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