Sunday 19 December 2010

Why a naked man can't get coffee at McDonald's

Talk about overexposed.

Last week, we had WikiLeaks, public nudity around Singapore and a photo of bare (possibly underaged) manga breasts on page A17 in Wednesday’s The Straits Times.

Which was why I was feeling a bit overdressed.

I was also feeling a little peckish.

Being a dedicated follower of fashion (or the absence of it) and a sucker for any food ad starring Sheikh Haikel, I wanted to strip and head for the nearest Burger King outlet to sample the new Steakhouse Burger naked.

But then I had read about the naked man who tried to order coffee at McDonald’s, but was refused service.

What if Burger King also refuses to let me have the Steakhouse Burger because of my lack of clothes? I don’t take rejection very well.

Why are naked people being discriminated against? Why are we being persecuted?

Why should fast food joints refuse to serve a customer just because he’s naked? How is that good business?

Isn’t the customer always king, even when the emperor has no clothes? Was that naked man’s money not good enough for McDonald’s?

Wait a second, I just realised something.

Naked means no pants. No pants means no wallet. No wallet means no money.

So that was why McDonald’s didn’t serve him!

Unless he kept his cash in, uh … certain parts of his anatomy. In which case, McDonald’s would be right to tell him, “Your money’s no good here.”

Hold on. It was reported that the naked man had a laptop case with him, so maybe he kept his money there.

Wait, something else just occurred to me.

We all know how hot McDonald’s coffee is. If it’s possible for a beverage to be above boiling point temperature, McDonald’s has achieved it.

And we all know how painful it is if that hot coffee is spilled on your lap. Imagine if it’s spilled on your lap when you’re naked.

“Ouch” doesn’t even begin to cover it. We're talking wrath-of-god kind of hurt.

So maybe McDonald’s refused to let the naked man have coffee for his own protection. It was a safety issue.

McDonald’s was actually doing the naked man a favour by refusing to serve him. He should be thanking McDonald’s for saving him from himself - and the hot coffee.

Unless that was what the “laptop” case was for.

But then coffee contains caffeine, which is a stimulant. You can't blame McDonald's for not wanting to get the naked man "stimulated".

Anyway, I can take a hint. I went to get my Steakhouse Burger at Burger King fully clothed.

My only complaint is that I didn’t know where to put the onion rings.

I wondered if Burger King would serve Sheikh Haikel if he showed up naked.

Suddenly, I lost my appetite.

- Published in The New Paper, 19 December 2010