Monday 5 October 2009

Tie a Yellow, Silver & Pink Ribbon round Ris Low

If you go to the official Miss World website, you will see no mention of Miss Singapore.

However, on the "Miss World 2009" Wikipedia page, you can find the names of all the 90 delegates from around the world - except, of course, for one.

Instead of a name for Miss Singapore World 2009, there are three letters: TBA. Maybe they stand for "The Boomz Attack".

Oh, Ris Low, what have you wrought?

Many have opined that the convicted credit card fraudster, who has also been accused of murdering the English language, should not be allowed to represent Singapore in December's Miss World pageant because she would "tarnish" our country's reputation.

What reputation? You mean "Disneyland With The Death Penalty" where you can get flogged for spraying graffiti and chewing gum?

Heaven forbid, our nation's integrity be compromised by a 19-year-old diploma student with a declared penchant for animal prints.

Last week, a New Paper reader wrote in to suggest that the dethroned Miss Singapore World could instead be "Miss Yellow Ribbon" and a role model for other young ex-offenders.

It's an incredibly enticing idea, partly because it conjures images of all those vintage low-budget babes-behind-bars B-movies with lots of catfights and shower scenes.

Imagine Ris bitch-slapping another female prisoner and then they rip each other's clothes off and then the prison guards turn the water hoses on them — hot.

Except Ris went on probation, not to jail, so all that slammer stuff doesn't quite work.

Still, there's no denying the unique cachet and trashy mystique of a teen beauty queen with a criminal history. She's beautiful — and baaad.

Instead of trying to cover it up, Ris could've been upfront about her troubled past from the start and used it to her advantage as a platform for her Miss World campaign.

While the other contestants mouth platitudes about world peace, human rights and blah blah blah, our Miss Singapore can go up there and say in her exotic Ah Lian accent: "I'm here to represent those who have made mistakes in their lives and should be given a second chance to succeed — because I'm one of them. And if you don't let me win, I'll boomz you."

Wait, isn't she bipolar as well?

That means she can also represent sufferers of brain disorders. She can be Miss Silver Ribbon.

Yes, there is actually a Silver Ribbon Coalition, whose mission is to promote awareness of the problems faced by the mentally ill.

Hey, why not just give Ris a hat trick by making her Miss Pink Ribbon too? She qualifies because Pink Ribbon promotes breast cancer awareness and she has breasts.

And what perfect timing because this month is Breast Cancer Awareness Month - plus World Mental Health Day is this Sunday.

So who needs Miss World when Ris can be Miss Yellow, Silver and Pink Ribbon all rolled into one?

And somewhere out there, someone must be producing a women's prison movie with a role for her in it. One can only hope.

- Published in The New Paper, 5 October 2005
hello mister I just want to say that what you wrote about that Ris person on the new paper today was hella funny! But to be honest, i think that anything criticizing Ris is hilarious. xD so to sum it up, YOUR COLUMN VERY BOOMZ .

TinkerHell raddxcore