I did not order penis enlarger

Talk about talking cock.

On Wednesday, The Star newspaper in Malaysia reported something big.

Or so it seemed.

At a press conference to warn consumers about online scams, chairman of Malaysia’s customer complaints bureau Michael Chong mentioned three people who had complained to him that they had been duped by online scammers this year.

One of the victims was a man who ordered a RM450 (S$175) penis enlarger online and was deflated when he received a magnifying glass.

It came with the instruction: “Do not use in direct sunlight.”

On reading The Star report, a colleague said to me: “Sounds like you.”

Wait, what?

How did it sound like me?

I don’t believe I have ever expressed a desire to increase the dimensions of any part of my genitalia to anyone.

Just my luck the man who ordered the penis enlarger was identified in the report as someone named Ong.

Yes, my surname is also Ong, but that’s just a coincidence. I am sure there are millions of people in this world with the name Ong.

Like my father.

Not that I'm accusing my father of ordering penis enlarger online, especially since he has been dead for more than 10 years.

So it would be very difficult for him to order anything online since dead people don't usually have a valid credit card although credit card companies give credit cards to practically anyone nowadays.

I was at The PC Show with my daughter on Thursday and more than one promoter offered her a credit card application even though she is only in Secondary 3.



Anyway, my point is, even though I have a valid credit card – several, in fact – I have and would never order a penis enlarger online.

Have I made that very clear?

Actually, all this denial is kind of moot.

A day after The Star report came out and was picked up by news outlets around the world including the Daily Mail in UK, the story was revealed to be a hoax.

So there was no one named Ong who ordered a penis enlarger online and received a magnifying glass.

Vindication!

The Star reported that Mr Chong, the Malaysian customer complaints bureau chairman, clarified that he brought up the example at the press conference to highlight the dangers of buying stuff online.

He didn’t know it was a hoax at first. “Many of my friends, whom I trust, forwarded the message to me and requested that I warn the public about the scam,” Mr Chong told The Star.

Chong said he received many calls from acquaintances after the story was published. “The story had them laughing, no doubt. If humour is what it takes for the message to sink in, then where’s the harm in that?”

Well, the harm is that innocent people like me are wrongly accused of ordering a penis enlarger online.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Some of my closest friends order penis enlargers online. Actually, that’s not true. I have no friends.

At least, my ordeal was over. Or so it seemed.

On Thursday, Singapore’s Minister of Foreign Affairs, Mr K Shanmugam, posted on Facebook:

“Some days ago, I wrote on the work done by MFA officers providing consular services.

“Singaporeans are making more overseas trips, almost 7 million last year compared to 3.6 million a decade ago.

“From time to time, they run into trouble and seek help from our consular staff. We handled over 3,000 consular cases last year.

“Many cases are genuine. But sometimes we do get odd requests.”

And he gave this example:

“A Singaporean sought MFA’s assistance for a refund after he had gotten illegal sexual services in a foreign country. He wasn’t satisfied with what he had gotten.

We had to tell him that MFA could not help!”

On reading the minister’s post, another colleague said to me: “Sounds like you.”

Wait, what?

How did it sound like me?

The last time I was out of the country was six years ago when I went to South Korea with my family.

It would’ve been very difficult for me to sneak out to obtain any unsatisfactory illegal sexual services, much less seek MFA’s assistance to get a refund.

I don’t know whether to feel more insulted that my colleague believed that I am a man who would pay for illegal sexual services or I am a man who would try to get a refund.

Why is this happening to me?

Do I look like someone who would complain to a government agency when my carnal and sizing needs are not met?

Why do people get the impression that I’m in the market for a penis enlarger and illegal sexual services in the first place?

Then on Friday, I sort of found out why.

My wife happened to see my new IC which replaced the one I lost last year.

She looked at my photo and said: “You look like a pimp.”

Wait, what?

How do I look like a pimp?

“It’s that stupid expression you have on your face,” she said.

What expression?

“Like a pimp.”

Oh, thank you very much.

At least, now I have a clue why my colleagues think I’m a magnifying glass-buying sex tourist.

I’m grateful Mr Shanmugam didn’t divulge the identity of the guy seeking the refund.

With my luck, his name is probably Ong too.

- Published in The New Paper, 8 June 2014

Real men don't buy Hello Kitty (online)

So this year, McDonald's let people pre-order its new Hello Toys collection online to prevent the chaotic queues of previous years.

But to give myself a challenge and a purpose in life, I decided to try and collect all six Hello Kitty Bubbly World toys by getting each toy at a McDonald's outlet as it is released one at a time each week.



Although there were no queues in the first week, I remember how last year, the queues started forming only in the final weeks of the promotion.

True enough, at the start of the second week of this year's promotion, Stomp published a report that the queues were back.



But that turned out to be a false alarm. When I bought my second Bubbly World Hello Kitty at the McDonald's Yew Tee outlet, there was no queue.



There were also no queues for the next two Hello Kittys.





But when my wife went to buy the fifth toy for me, she had to queue, though not for very long.



That got me worried. Was it going to be a repeat of last year with queues in the last two weeks?

Coincidentally or not, like last year, the final Hello Kitty toy for this year is also black.

If I fail to get that final Hello Kitty toy to complete my collection, all my efforts would be for nothing.

My life would be meaningless.



Fortunately, I got the black Hello Kitty yesterday with no problem. My collection is complete.

Life is worth living again.

That is, until next year.

EARLIER:

How I failed to get the black Hello Kitty

The long tortured death of my balloon Singing Bone Hello Kitty

Kumar: From drag queen to Grammar Queen

Is this what they mean by the Queen’s English?

Last week, the Speak Good English Movement launched a new campaign with a series of videos starring comedian Kumar as the “Queen of Grammar”.



Wait, you say. Isn’t Kumar a man? Shouldn’t it be the “King of Grammar”.

Wrong word used. That is hardly very good English.

Well, Kumar is dressed like woman in the videos, specifically a queen with a tiara and all that.

So the Grammar Queen is also a drag queen.

Wait, you say. Why is a national campaign using a drag queen to teach us good English?

A drag queen is hardly a very good role model, especially for children.

Well, at least it’s not Phua Chu Kang.



But have you seen Kumar’s stage act? Not exactly what I would call family-friendly.

The thing is that there are actually two Kumars – the M18-rated stage version and the G-rated TV version.



This is how the comedian has reigned since the early 90s.

I first worked with Her Highness 20 years ago on a variety TV show on Channel 5 called Live On 5.

I was the “research writer” on the show although I did very little writing and even less research.

I spent most of my time at work watching my fat Australian boss play Doom on his office PC. Good times.

The weekly show had a movie review segment, for which I had to book a guest to review the movie.

One week, the movie was to be the Mel Brooks comedy Robin Hood: Men In Tights.

I thought who better to review a movie about men in tights than Kumar, who was then already famous for performing in drag at The Boom Boom Room in Bugis.



But my boss, during a cigarette break in between gunning down inter-dimensional demonic monsters in Doom, expressed reservations.

Kumar was a controversial figure.

He had been featured on the front page of The New Paper a few months earlier with the headline “Who says I’m gay?”

He claimed he was not, which no one believed (except me).

But in 2011, he revealed in the book, Kumar: From Rags To Drag, that yes, he is gay.

So everyone was right (except me).

Another reason for my boss’s reservations was that he thought Kumar was banned from TV after The Ra Ra Show.

Kumar was one of the stars of The Ra Ra Show, which was a sketch comedy series that was cancelled after complaints about Singlish and supposed sexual innuendos on the show.

One innuendo that the show was accused of involved a gear stick in a car in a sketch. You can imagine.

Kumar wasn’t even in that sketch.

Still, my boss was understandably reluctant to allow me to book such a controversial figure as it might get him into trouble and keep him from playing Doom.

So he asked his boss: Was Kumar really banned from TV?

To my relief, my bigger boss said no.

However, he was quick to add, the cross-dressing stage version of Kumar was.

But as long as Kumar was not dressed as a woman, it was okay to have him on Live On 5.

Fortunately, going drag wasn’t a requirement for the movie review segment.

When I called Kumar on the phone to invite him on the show, the first thing he said was “I thought I was banned.”

I told him what my bigger boss told me.

Kumar then agreed to be on the show and asked what movie he had to review.

I said Robin Hood: Men In Tights.

“Oh,” he said, “how appropriate.”

I thought so too.



I sometimes wonder if I hadn’t called Kumar back in 1994, would he still think he was banned from TV?

I might have changed the course of Singapore TV history and Kumar’s career more than I realised.

Since then, he has appeared many times on the small screen, even co-starring with Hong Kong star Carol Cheng on the Channel 5 sitcom Oh Carol! in 2002.



He can currently be seen on TV in the Channel 5 infotainment series Kumar Goes Back To School, not in drag of course.



I would like to say that Kumar has yet to be allowed to wear a dress on TV, but that’s not true.

I remember seeing him play a woman on a Channel 5 sitcom a few years ago, although I don’t remember the name of the sitcom.

I was then told Kumar was allowed to play a woman on TV, but he was not allowed to play a man playing a woman.

Did you get that?

In other words, it would be okay to cast him as the lead in the TV biopic of Zoe Tay but not in the TV biopic of Jack Neo.

You know, since Neo used to play women like Liang Po Po and Liang Xi Mei.

(I should point out that cross-dressing is not banned on TV per se as evidenced by Neo and Dennis Chew’s Aunty Lucy. Even on The Ra Ra Show, the character Bibik Belacan was played by a man in drag, but ironically, it wasn’t Kumar.)

The Speak Good English Movement videos aren’t produced for TV, but what you get is more or less the G-rated TV version of Kumar.

Except that he’s in drag.

But thanks to 20 years of Kumar on TV, Singapore has been conditioned to accept a drag queen as the face of a national campaign.

And I apologise for that.

Long live the queen.

- Published in The New Paper, 1 June 2014

EARLIER: Kumar lied! I will never believe celebrities again