Sunday 4 May 2014

Star Awards without Ann Kok is like a protest without dog poo

What a disappointment.

And I’m not just talking about Ann Kok’s no show at last Sunday’s Star Awards show.

Last year, she wore a Herve Leger tube dress worn over a long-sleeved see-through netted top that made her look like “an aspiring porn star”, according to The Straits Times.

This year, I was hoping she would wear something that would make her look like an established porn star.

But it wasn’t to be.

Kok, 41, had left MediaCorp in March and is now promoting her new movie, Filial Party, which opens on Thursday.

And it seems I wasn't the only one disappointed by Kok not being at the Star Awards, judging by these Tweets:
  • “The only person I might remotely be interested in watching isn’t at the awards. #annkok”
  • “No Ann Kok no #ootn see the whole thing boring already sigh.”
  • “Ann Kok and Fiona Xie... The only 4 reasons to watch #StarAwards20 and they didn’t even show up.”
Wait, Ann Kok and Fiona Xie – that’s only two reasons, not four... ohhhhhhh, I get it. The tweet was referring to the busty actresses’... uh... eyes.

But despite Kok’s absence from the award show, she still managed to make headlines last week.

My favourite headline was by Stomp:
Ann Kok thinks this is even better than going to the sperm bank.

That headline alone was almost enough to make up for Kok’s Star Awards no-show.

There must be a rule somewhere that if one has the opportunity to use the words “Ann Kok” and “sperm” in the same sentence, one must take it.

So what is it that Kok thinks is better than going to a sperm bank?

No, not making a withdrawal at the sperm ATM (otherwise also known as just “men”).

It’s freezing her eggs.

Kok, who is single, told The New Paper: “If the technology for egg freezing is advanced and the doctors are confident they can be preserved well, I think it’s a good idea.”

I believe there are already volunteers to help fertilise her eggs.

Besides the Star Awards, another major event last week was the launch of the new McDonald’s Hello Kitty Bubbly World toys.

It was such big news that even the Wall Street Journal ran the story with the headline: “Singapore braces for a Kitty riot at McDonald’s.”

But it wasn’t to be.

There was no riot except possibly online where the McDonald’s website was overwhelmed by orders and the toys quickly sold out.

After all the build-up by the media, the lack of riots in McDonald’s restaurants around Singapore must have been galling to some.

You can almost sense the indignation in headlines like “What Hello Kitty craze? Online sales kill in-store McDonald’s queues” and “How did Singapore dodge a Kitty cat-tastrophe?

I got my Hello Kitty Bubbly Kerokerokeroppi toy from the McDonald's outlet at IMM on Tuesday with no problem.

And that was the problem.

Without the long queues, getting my Hello Kitty toy from McDonald’s no longer gives me a sense of accomplishment and seems rather – gasp! – pointless.

I just paid $4.95 (not including what I paid for the Extra Value Meal) for a mouthless cat I don’t know what to do with.

But that’s also not the disappointment I was referring to earlier.

No, that would be the Labour Day protest held at Hong Lim Park on Thursday.

Using Facebook, the organiser had called on protesters to “spit, throw eggs, splash dog poo, draw graffiti and kick at the poster of our Prime Minister”.

But it wasn’t to be.

They were “advised” by police not to do so.

I was curious as to how they had planned to “splash” the dog poo.

Would they first collect the dog poo and then take it to Hong Lim Park? Or would they take their dogs to Hong Lim Park so that they could get it fresh?

And the word “splash” suggests that they wanted to use liquid dog poo, which is even grosser than regular dog poo.

And were they planning to “splash” the dog poo on the PM’s poster with their hands? That’s gross to the max.

I think the police might have done the protesters a bigger favour than they realise.

But the lack of animal excrement at the protest wasn’t why I felt let down.

It was because that of all the Scorpions songs the protesters could’ve sung that day, why did it have to be Wind Of Change?

I hate that song.

So what if it was the German band’s biggest hit? The whistling is even more annoying than the whistling in Moves Like Jagger and I ain’t just whistlin’ Dixie.

Hello, this is Hong Lim Park, not the Berlin Wall.

If the protesters wanted a Scorpions song about wind, why couldn’t they have picked Rock You Like A Hurricane, only the best Scorpions song ever?!

What a disappointment.

- Published in The New Paper, 4 May 2014


Celebrating Singapore’s 17-year love affair with Ann Kok’s chest

How I failed to get the black Hello Kitty

Is there really a law against defacing PM's poster? No... and yes