Sunday 6 May 2012

Thank you, Constance Song, on behalf of straight middle-aged men

A week ago, The Straits Times reported that middle-aged men are getting testosterone injections to boost their sex drive.

This confused me because weren’t some middle-aged men recently charged with having paid sex with a minor?

So shouldn’t they be trying to reduce their sex drive instead? By, say, going to a Lady Gaga concert?

The first two nights are sold out, but tickets may still be available for the third show at the Singapore Indoor Stadium.

Maybe those middle-aged men getting the hormone jabs were merely trying to keep up with their teenage counterparts.

Last week, The New Paper reported that more than one teenager gets a sexually transmitted infection every day.

Talk about a bad romance. These teens should go see Lady Gaga to turn them off sex as well.

But let me get this straight (since I’m heterosexual and prefer getting it no other way):

So the problem is that teenagers are too horny while some middle-aged men are not horny enough, except for those charged with having sex with a prostitute who turned out to be an underage teenager who may or may not have a sexually transmitted infection.

See this look on my face? I’m not acting blur. This is actual blurness.

All I know is we middle-aged men shouldn’t let ourselves be out-sexed by the kids. But injections are painful and underage prostitutes are illegal.

That’s why I’m grateful to those Channel 8 actresses for doing their part to give our sex drives a boost by flashing plenty of skin at the Star Awards.

So I am puzzled by this report in The New Paper about the great outfit that Constance Song wore:

“Defending her pick, Song told The New Paper: ‘My dress had a mesh that revealed skin all the way to my belly button. I was also wearing nipple tape.’”

I don’t understand the “defending her pick” part. What’s there to defend? (By the way, she said “nipple”. Heh heh.)

If anything, it’s the other actresses whose clothes weren’t revealing enough who should defend their choice of outfit.

Don’t they know there are middle-aged men out there resorting to needles and vice?

Would it have killed Fann Wong to show a little more cleavage this year? (The operative word being “little”.)

Because as much as I appreciate Song’s plunging mesh-covered neckline, as an infrequent Channel 8 viewer, I have to ask: Who the hell is Constance Song?

She’s one of those MediaCorp actresses whose names are familiar, but I wouldn’t recognise them even if they rubbed their bosoms in my face. (Not that I’d mind.)

Beyond the Zoe Tays and Fann Wongs, these women all start to look alike to me.

At least I can now identify Song as the one with the plunging mesh-covered neckline.

At least I had heard of Constance Song before. On the other hand, I had never heard of Kate Pang.

Pang is now famous for kissing Vivian Lai on the mouth at the Star Awards and it appears that’s the only thing she’s famous for.

Some people are upset by the kiss for the same reason I stopped holding my son’s hand when crossing the road with him after he grew taller than me – it seemed kind of gay.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Unless, of course, you’re one of those people who were upset by the same-sex smooch on prime-time TV because children were watching.

But the question is: Was the kiss good for a middle-aged man’s sex drive?

Let’s just say it didn’t hurt – like an injection would.

I have my poker face on. There are no bosoms in it.

I’m waiiitinnng...

- Published in The New Paper, 6 May 2012