Sunday 13 February 2011

Compulsory paternity leave? It’s an evil plot against men!

Gentlemen, welcome to the first meeting of the the Association of Men for Action and Research (Amare).

The pizzas will be here in a few minutes. I will try to get this over with before the match starts.

First item on the agenda, former Maxim cover girl and Deal Or No Deal “suitcase girl” Evangeline Tay Su Ann.

Last week, she was fined $2,000 for perverting the course of justice, although I know after seeing her picture, many of you had a different kind of perversion in mind.

Yes, she’s hot. We’re raising money to help her pay the fine in case she loses her appeal (which would be a shame because as it is, she’s very “appealing”). Please donate generously.

Speaking of which, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. If you want to order flowers for Ms Tay or your wives and girlfriends, write your name and how many flowers on the piece of paper I’m passing around. My brother-in-law can get roses at a bulk discount. So the more you buy, the more you save.

Next on the agenda, last week, our arch-enemy, the Association of Women for Action and Research (Aware), called for the Government to make paid paternity leave of two weeks mandatory.

To put it another way, a bunch of women wants a law to allow men to get out of work for 14 days to stay home and help look after the baby. Yes, I’m horrified too.

Although Aware said it’s about gender equality and reversing Singapore’s declining birthrate, I searched the Aware website and found the real motive behind this call for compulsory paternity leave.

The website said: “Aware would like to see fathers given the opportunity to play a more active role in the care of their newborn babies, not just so that they will share the parenting load with their wives but also so that they will have more time for the joys of fatherhood and for developing a bond with their children.”

Did you hear that? Our enemy wants us to “share the parenting load” with our wives! So basically, this is just Aware’s diabolical plot to get men to do more housework.

I believe I speak for all of us here when I say, “No thanks!”

And what does a women’s association know about “the joys of fatherhood” anyway? They’re women!

It’s time for our voices to be heard. This is the very reason our asoociation, Amare, was formed. We will hold a press conference and...

Hmmm... Wait, I just thought of something.

Why don’t we let Aware have the new law? Before you throw that potato chip at me, hear me out.

But when we take the paternal leave, we just use the two weeks off to watch more football or shop for a bigger TV to watch football on.

Baby? What baby?

We’ll turn our enemy’s evil plan against itself and we don’t even have to do anything!

Oh, the pizzas are here? Meeting adjourned!

Turn on the TV. I hope we didn’t miss kick-off.

- Published in The New Paper, 13 February 2011

Dear Sir,

I have always been a fan of your articles and I must say, I couldn't agree more with your most recent article despite it being written in a half serious manner.

I understand that we have come a long way from the good old days when a man was considered to be helping with the household chores if he lifted his legs while watching television so that the missus could vacuum under him.

Today, it is only natural for men to take a more active role in child rearing and the housework since women work for as many, if not more, hours than men.

However, the shoddily done research and survey by AWARE does not prove that more paternity leave will reverse Singapore's declining child birth rates.

Using their logic, it would be fair for one to assume that colorectal cancer is caused by the courtesy campaign as colorectal cancer rates have skyrocketed suspiciously around the period of time when that annoying lion was introduced and have remained high ever since.

Any sane and reasonable person would come to the logical conjecture that two weeks of paternity leave a year is unlikely to cause women to go into a child producing frenzy.

AWARE's real motive, as you stated, is to promote what they believe to be an ideal of equality between the sexes and also to prove that they are campaigning for women rights instead of just drinking fruity alcoholic drinks, discussing make-up and plotting on how to emasculate men further as most of us already presume.

I cannot understand why the media would give AWARE so much of attention after the not too distant but still painful and embarrassing saga AWARE experienced which by the way not only showcases the hilarious and pointless antics women get up to when they are let out of the kitchen in which two groups of women spent more time fighting each other than focusing on their common goal of empowering women.

If AWARE really believes in equality between the sexes, they should campaign for compulsory military service and caning in prisons for women as well.

Yours Sincerely

PS: In the interest of saving time and preparing you on what to expect, I have included a likely reply from AWARE.
Dear Sir,

We find your article unfair and sexist, not so much because of its content but more so because you are male.

Your article has distracted us from more important activities such as eating chocolate and watching chick flicks.

We hate you. Once again, it's nothing personal, it's just because you are a guy.