Did you see the pictures in last Tuesday’s New Paper of the Johor Baru house in Kampung Tawakal where escaped terrorsist Mas Selamat Kastari was arrested?
It was like the tidiest terrorist hideout I had ever seen – not that I have seen that many terrorist hideouts.
I’m used to flipping through interior design magazines and seeing these pictures of other people’s beautiful homes and thinking, “My god, compared to them, I live in a pigsty.”
By the way, living in a pigsty is not so bad anymore since swine flu has been renamed Influenza A (H1N1).
But thanks to Mas Selamat, I now realise that I’m not only living in a pigsty, but I’m living in the undesirable part of the pigsty where the local pigs send foreign workers to live.
How did my home become such a mess? Where did all this clutter come from? How can a fugitive have better housekeeping habits than I do?
I’m assuming Mas Selamat didn’t have a maid. Neither do I because, you know, good help is so hard to find these days.
And here I was, thinking he was hiding in constant fear of capture somewhere in the woods, feeding on insects and sleeping without a mattress, blanket, pillow, bolster or air-conditioning – in this heat!
While all this time, Singapore’s most wanted man was reportedly going fishing, picnicking and growing rambutans as he lived among some remarkably clueless villagers.
(But his kampung house looked like it didn’t have any air-con, which made me feel slightly better.)
Mas Selamat even had a garden. The only garden I have is the mildew growing in my bathroom.
But you know what I’m really jealous about? He had a punching bag hanging from the ceiling in the middle of the living room! How awesome is that? It was like his own private gym. No membership fees required.
You think my wife would let me have a punching bag hanging from the ceiling in the middle of the living room? All she gave me were these two little dumbbells, but I really shouldn’t talk about our kids like that.
You know what? That’s who I blame – the kids. Because of them, my HDB flat has never been – and will never be – featured in Home & Decor.
They spill. They vandalise the walls and furniture. They leave toys accumulated over numerous birthdays and Christmases all over the place. They hide half-eaten sandwiches in the storeroom that you discover months later when you’re wondering, “What the hell is that smell?”
Once you have children, you can kiss any illusions of having a picture-perfect home good-bye.
But for all the messiness, I suppose having a family is still marginally preferable to being a fugitive. Though I wouldn’t mind some free rambutans.
- Published in The New Paper, 17 May 2009
TRENDING POSTS OF THE WEEK
It’s like 1996 all over again. Only instead of the Macarena , we’re dancing Gangnam Style . Instead of watching the White House get bl...
Dear Ashley Garcia , Clothes maketh the man while the lack of clothes can make a woman famous. Sometimes unintentionally. I mean, y...
So The Alternative View posted this yesterday: Since my name appears in the post, I feel I need to fact-check it line by line. First ...
Lately, I've been noticing the recurring use of an unfamiliar word on social media. Aisey. Posted by SMRT Ltd (Feedback) on Wedne...
Last Monday, The New Paper reported that a naked man was spotted loitering at a Sengkang HDB lift lobby at night. Last week also saw a fl...
Yesterday, the New York Times apologised on Facebook for running this editorial cartoon about India's Mars mission . Post by The ...
Did you see the pictures of Ris Low in The New Paper on Wednesday? Those legs! That hair! The peek-a-boo panties! If the pictures wer...
Toggle has reported that actress Carole Lin has given birth to her first child: Despite being told by a gynaecologist that conceiving at ...
When I say “Jewel”, what is the first thing that comes to mind? The waterfall? Shake Shack? A&W? The song Foolish Games from the Bat...
I first met Darryl David at Gurmit Singh's wedding dinner in 1995. David's date was a woman named Lynette Pang , who was a stag...