Sunday 1 June 2008

'Sex': I don't get it

It was a defining moment in my brief movie reviewing career.

The film was a now forgotten 1993 Bruce Willis thriller called Striking Distance.

Panning it on live television on a now forgotten variety show called Live On 5 hosted by a still remembered newcomer named Gurmit Singh, I summarised my biggest problem with the movie in four words: Sarah Jessica Parker’s nose.

Her nose stole every scene she was in. Whatever else was happening on the big screen, all I could see was her gigantic schnozzle. And she was supposed to be the "babe" of the movie.

(Years later, Angelina Jolie’s bulbous lips would have the same effect on me in The Bone Collector. If lips could kill...)

A viewer wrote in to complain about my complaint about Ms Parker's probiscis and I did’t continue reviewing movies for much longer after that.

So you can imagine the vindication I felt when Maxim named her the unsexiest woman on the planet last year. You go, girl!

And you can also imagine my pain now as the Sex And The City movie opens in cinemas this week and pictures of Ms Parker and her nose are everywhere. Even Mas Selamat’s surly mug is preferable.

Obviously, I’m not a fan of the HBO series and it's not because of Sarah Jessica Parker. It’s because I don't have a vagina.

While I'm usually up for anything that promises explicit sex scenes and female nudity, this is just too much girly talk to sit through for a chance to see 52-year-old Kim Cattrall naked.

Besides, I’ve already seen her undergrowth in the horny teen classic Porky’s when she was still of child-bearing age.

That is not to say that I think Sex And The City is a bad show. Heck, it was created by a gay guy, so how bad can it be? Desperate Housewives was also created by a gay guy. But I’m clearly not the target demographic, being neither a housewife nor that desperate.

My Sex And The City would be Star Trek, another TV series-turned-feature film, but otherwise the complete opposite of SATC. I can’t wait for the new Star Trek movie coming out next year, but women won’t care for it. Why? Because they have a life.

Star Trek enables guys like me to fantasise about flying around in a spaceship with busty female aliens.

Sex And The City allows women to live out the fantasy of finding the perfect Jimmy Choo mules to match that fab Fendi clutch. (I have no idea what I’m talking about.)

However, SATC devotees may be lured into watching Star Trek VII: The Undiscovered Country because Kim Cattrall is in it – with a horrifying Vulcan haircut Samantha wouldn't be caught dead wearing even on Halloween.

And if Sarah Jessica Parker should ever star in a Star Trek movie, the collision of the two fanbases could result in the collapse of the cosmos itself.

Where’s Bruce Willis when you need him?

- Published in The New Paper, 1 June 2008