Sunday 9 January 2005

When wireless doesn't mean radio anymore

I have a blog.

Doesn't everyone?

You mean you don't? How uncool are you?

According to Merriam-Webster, 'blog' was the word of the year last year. Not having your own blog is like not having your own Gmail account.

What? You don't have Gmail either? My God, what are you? A caveman?

No problem. I'll send you an invite. You do have an Internet account, right?

That's a relief. What's your broadband speed? 1.5 meg? Cable? Huh? You're using dial-up? You mean, you still have a land line? How retro.

Wait. You're still using wires? The horror. But you have a handphone, right? Good, take my picture.

Huh? You can't take pictures with your phone. Then what's the point of having a phone?

You mean you actually use a camera to take pictures? What a concept.

Cheeeeeese! Snap!

Let me see the picture. Where's the little LCD screen on the camera? What do you mean I have to wait for the photos to be developed?

Film? Your camera uses film? I weep for you.

Next thing you'll be telling me is you listen to CDs, ha ha ha... oh. I see. You mean you actually buy whole albums?

I have two words for you: iPod and download. No filler, all killer.

What's this? A video cassette recorder? You should donate it to a museum, Grandpa, along with your eight-track cartridges and vinyl records. Tape is so last millennium.

Is that a DVD recorder? Oh, it's just a player. What movies do you have? Please, no LDs or - heaven forbid - VCDs. You got The Lord of the Rings DVD? Cool.

Wait. This is the theatrical cut! You didn't get the special extended edition?

What the hell is wrong with you? Never mind. At least you have the wide-screen version. So you're not a complete loser.

Where's the surround sound? Oh, I see. Your 'entertainment centre' has only two speakers. It's okay, I'm just grateful that it's not mono.

Hmmm, there's something not right about your TV, apart from the microscopic 36-inch curved screen. I think it's the cathode-ray tube. No, the cathode ray tube is working fine. The problem is your TV actually has a cathode ray tube.

I have one word and three letters for you: Plasma and LCD.

And if you say 'projection TV', I'll beat you to death with my Nintendo DS.

Speaking of trilogies, did you see the trailer for Star Wars Episode III: The Revenge of the Sith? No, not in the cinema. On the web. I'll show you.

Where's your computer? Ah, that pesky cathode ray tube again. Three words: Flat panel monitor.

Ah, your mouse and keyboard - more wires. Wireless doesn't just refer to radio any more, you know. Get into the 21st century, man.

My ears! My ears! What's that awful screeching noise? The modem? Oh, yeah, I forgot. you're using dial-up.

How do you live like this? Like an animal!

Okay, I found the site. I'm downloading the Star Wars trailer for you now. Judging by your dial-up bit rate, I'd say this will take roughly 4,000 years.

Forget it, I'll Gmail you the file.

By the way, did I mention I have a blog?

- Published in The New Paper, 9 January 2005