Ode to free Milo peng: Nathan Hartono's tiny joke 'took on a life of its own'

The girl queuing up behind me for the free Milo just asked "Who's Nathan Hartono?"
I feel so sorry for him, since this Milo's bc of him 😅

— 制服を着たい名探偵 (@arifer48) October 7, 2016

Who is Nathan Hartono?
Asked a girl queueing for free iced Milo
To deal with such fools
There should be rules
If you have never heard of the man
You should not be allowed near the Milo van
He’s the reason you’re getting free Milo peng
Girl, on Friday outside Plaza Sing



Hartono is the first Singaporean
To make it to the final of the Sing! China competition
Which used to be called The Voice Of China
Is it related to The Voice in America?
Yes, it’s the Chinese version of the US show
Based on the original from Holland, don’t you know
Which brings a whole new meaning to going Dutch
It’s not just the lady on the milk products we drink so much
Because of disputes with the franchise owner
The Voice Of China was rebranded as Sing! China

In a Straits Times interview, he told his fans:
“If I win, I will rent a fleet of Milo vans
And treat everybody to Milo peng”
Although the singer later said he was kidding
Milo Singapore saw the marketing opportunity
And took advantage of his flippancy

The Nestle company posted on Facebook last Saturday:
“Nathan, win or lose, Milo will support you all the way!
No need to rent, also can
Just tell us where, we bring the van
Fellow Singaporeans,
Any suggestions
On the location?”
This is such blatant self-promotion
Not that anyone is complaining
As long as we get free Milo peng



Why couldn’t Hartono have said
That he would treat everybody to chilli crab instead
Then he could have even more new fans
Alas, where does one rent a fleet of chilli crab vans?

He was amused by how his quip grew:
“I made one tiny joke about a Milo van during an interview
Hahahahahaha… thanks Internet”
But free Milo peng isn’t the only treat we get

To celebrate the singer’s “awesome achievement”
Tung Lok Group released a Facebook statement
You get free Liu Sha Bao (or salted egg yolk custard buns)
Today at selected Tung Lok restaurants
Yesterday, it was free spinach tofu
They’re both Hartono’s favourite food
Tomorrow, a 25 per cent discount you can grab
At various Tung Lok restaurants including Dancing Crab

How does Tung Lok know what he likes to eat?
Because his mother is a senior VP at the company
His uncle is executive chairman too
And his grandfather the founder of Tung Lok Group
Imagine, if on Friday night, Hartono had won
Would Tung Lok be giving free crab to everyone?



One assumes he has no relatives working at Milo
He explained on Facebook two days ago:
“A lot of people have been asking me
If this is some kind of brand deal/sponsorship
It really isn’t. I haven’t even been in contact with Nestle
Because of the crazy schedule here in China
It started off as a joke
And it kinda just took on a life of its own
Because Internet
But hey, if it means people all over town today get
Free Milo, then I’m happy. Seeing that big green bus
Always brightened my day back in school
So glad we could recreate some of that nostalgia
Enjoy guys. Sending love from Beijing”



We got free McNuggets when Joseph Schooling came in first
Though Hartono came in second, he has already quenched our thirst
Should he also get a victory parade on Orchard Road for all to see?
Then maybe the girl in the queue wouldn't ask “Who’s he?”

- Published in The New Paper, 9 October 2016

UPDATE:

What the fruit! PAP should just turn Pen Pineapple Apple Pen into its theme song

I was thrown for a fruit loop.

At first, I thought it was a parody video about the People’s Action Party (PAP) and it should be.

After all, the video has PPAP in the title and it starts with a guy, who looks like Hong Kong comedian Richard Ng wearing gold animal-preens (shout out to Ris Low!) pyjamas with a matching scarf, saying “PPAP”.



Then he starts dancing and singing. Actually, to call it “singing” would be an insult even to Florence Foster Jenkins.

He is simply saying words to the beat, which I guess could be called “rapping”.

I have a pen. I have a apple.
Ugh! Apple pen.
I have a pen. I have pineapple.
Ugh! Pineapple pen.
Apple pen, pineapple pen.
Ugh! Pen Pineapple Apple Pen.
Pen Pineapple Apple Pen.

And that’s what PPAP stands for — Pen Pineapple Apple Pen. So it has nothing to do with Singapore’s ruling political party.



At one minute and eight seconds, the viral video is mercifully short but mercilessly inescapable, having accumulated more than 14 million views on YouTube since it was published on Aug 25.

This does not include the tens of millions of views the video got elsewhere after Pen Pineapple Apple Pen was re-uploaded by others.

No fruit has received this much attention since Amos Yee ate a banana on the way to court one day.

Like Gangnam Style and Harlem Shake, the song has inspired remixes, spoofs and memes from around the world.



You can even use it to report the news:

I have a bendy bus. I have a field.
Ugh! Field bus.
I have a bus.
I have tennis court.
Ugh! Tennis court bus.
Field bus, tennis court bus.
Ugh! Bus tennis court field bus.

But what is this Pen Pineapple Apple Pen nonsense about anyway?

What’s with the weird desire to marry fruit and writing instruments?

This is what it says in the YouTube description:

“Singer-songwriter ‘pico Taro’ from Chiba of the Furusaka University demon king one push.

“The ‘pico Taro animation project’ first that began at last!

“Pen Pineapple Apple Pen, also known as PPAP which is representative music!

“It is... to the person whom I do not entrust with music to affect a heart.”

Looks like someone has been relying too much on Google Translate.

Pico Taro, whom the video is credited to, is a character created and played by 43-year-old Japanese comedian and DJ Kosaka Daimaou, whose real name is Kazuhiko Kosaka.

He is apparently not related to Richard Ng.



That is, apart from the moustache.

I would like to point out that thanks to the power of suggestion, some people may remember seeing the Richard Ng look-alike holding up a pen, an apple and a pineapple in the video when in fact, he is lying.

He does not have a pen. He does not have an apple.

And he definitely does not have an apple pen.

He also does not have a pineapple, which means he does not have a pineapple pen too.

So no actual fruit (or pen) was harmed in the making of this video.



Is it just me or does the way he jabs his imaginary pen into his imaginary fruit each time he says “Ugh!” seem disturbingly sexual?

I’m not sure it would be more or less disturbing if he used an actual pen and fruit.

If you have ever wondered whether an apple pen or pineapple pen actually exists, Pilot Pen Singapore has read your mind.

The pen company posted on Facebook last week:

“Ever wondered if a pineapple pen or apple pen actually exists?

“Well, the answer to your question is the pineapple and apple ‘flavoured’ pens from our Pilot #Juice limited edition Aromatic series.”

Yes, pens that smell like fruit.

Are you supposed to write with them or make a smoothie?

Like Pilot Pen Singapore, PAP should also jump on the Pen Pineapple Apple Pen bandwagon and make it the party’s new theme song.

After all, Singaporeans already think of PAP when the guy says “PPAP” anyway.

You only have to change a few words to turn it into a PAP song:

I have a party. I have action.
Ugh! Action party.
I have a party. I have people.
Ugh! People’s party.
Action party, people’s party.
Ugh! Party People’s Action Party.

You’re welcome.

- Published in The New Paper, 2 October 2016

Rio Ferdinand's nasi goreng, Circle Line signal interference & MRT customer satisfaction: Where did it come from?

I wonder, will some mysteries ever be solved?

Like the Loch Ness Monster.

Alien crop circles.

Singapore nasi goreng.

Are they real?

Or are they just figments of an ex-England footballer’s imagination?

In Singapore for the Grand Prix race last weekend, former Manchester United star Rio Ferdinand tweeted a photo of himself and a plate of fried rice with the words: “Nasi goreng lunch. Keeping it local in #Singapore.”

Robe game is nice!! Nasi goreng lunch.. Keeping it local in #Singapore pic.twitter.com/qSs5tH3FMK

— Rio Ferdinand (@rioferdy5) September 17, 2016

Faster than a monitor lizard scurrying across the F1 track in the middle of a race, someone replied to Ferdinand’s tweet: “Actually, that’s Indonesian local food.”

To which someone else replied: “No, it’s not. The only local Indonesian food is haze.”

That was accompanied by an animated gif that says: “Oooooh… burn!”

Boy, that escalated quickly.

One headline read: “Rio Ferdinand sparks nasi goreng war.”

War? Over fried rice?

So now if the Indonesians launch rockets at Marina Bay from Batam, we know why.

It’s the ex-Red Devil’s fault.

But my fellow columnist KF Seetoh would have none of it.

The Makansutra founder posted on Facebook: “Media… pse stop asking me abt that Rio Ferdinand comment abt nasi goreng hor..u r tempting sarcasm liao.. yr questions oso sibeh buay tahan wan.”

Translation: “Reporters, please stop asking me about Rio Ferdinand’s comment about nasi goreng or you may get a sarcastic reply. Your questions are intolerable.”



His conscientious objection is likely a consequence of the post-traumatic stress disorder he suffered from fighting the Chicken Rice War of 2009 with Malaysia.

That food fight started when Malaysia’s tourism minister said: “We cannot continue to let other countries hijack our food. Chilli crab is Malaysian. Hainanese chicken rice is Malaysian.”

Next time I order any food, remind me to check its passport.

But I suspect it’s impossible to definitively solve the mystery of where every dish originated from.

Just like we may never know the origin of the signal interference that caused train delays on the Circle Line for five consecutive days from Aug 29 and Sept 2.

As The Straits Times reported on Sept 6: “The unknown signal interference which bedevilled the Circle Line last week has ceased as mysteriously and suddenly as it has started.”

Oooooh… “mysterious”… cue the X-Files theme.



Last week, the Land Transport Authority (LTA) and SMRT released a joint statement, saying they “have been undertaking investigations into the cause of the intermittent loss of signalling communications between the trains and tracks on the Circle Line, leading to the automatic activation of the trains’ emergency brakes”.

But “as the incidents had ceased by the afternoon of Sept 2, they were unable to determine the source”.

Which means the problem solved itself before they could solve the problem.

That was good for commuters, but not so good for LTA and SMRT because they couldn’t solve the problem, which, in turn, may turn out to not be good for commuters after all.

No wonder the LTA CEO Chew Men Leong quit last month.

Somehow, despite the many train delays, the latest Customer Satisfaction Index shows that the MRT had a higher customer satisfaction score from April to July than for the same period last year.

Published last week by the Institute of Service Excellence at Singapore Management University, the index also says that overall, consumers were more satisfied with the land transport sector, compared to last year.

For many people, the response to this is probably “In what universe?”

It’s the same reaction to such reality-bending headlines as “Bus fares will be affordable if raised” and “Rise in major breakdowns but MRT gets more reliable”.

Hey, wait a minute. I just thought of something.

Maybe that was where the mysterious Circle Line signal interference came from!

This alternate parallel universe where consumers are more satisfied with land transport, bus fares are more affordable if raised and the MRT gets more reliable with more major breakdowns.

It’s like The Upside Down universe in the Netflix series, Stranger Things.



Somehow, all the cognitive dissonance generated by our public transport system ruptured the fabric of space-time and created a portal between the two parallel universes, allowing the signal from The Upside Down to interfere with the Circle Line.

And that was why LTA and SMRT couldn’t find the source.

Because it came from another universe.

Through a portal unwittingly created by themselves.

Oh, the irony.

Mystery solved.

Watch out, Nessie. I’m coming for you next.

But first, I shall reward myself with nasi goreng of undetermined origin.

- Published in The New Paper, 25 September 2016


UPDATE: I received this great tweet from Netflix:

.@thenewpaper @sm0ng No one knows how the Upside Down works yet, just like the Circle Line. #StrangerThings #tnp

— Netflix Asia (@NetflixAsia) September 26, 2016