Thank you for 'complaining'

So on Sunday, in a shameless bid for validation, I asked readers to 'complain' about my column just so I can get some indication that people are reading it.

I received nine e-mails. Thanks for playing along. Here are some of the e-mails.

Dear Mr Ong,

I read your column today, as with every other Sunday. The reason why I am emailing this to you is not to complain, but to let you know that I actually have vague memories of reading the two-year-old article that you mentioned in today's column.

Your wit and sense of humour is truly one-of-a-kind and I look forward to reading your column every week! :)

Thank you.

Regards,
Ilya



Dear Senior Minister Ong,

Why did you write "great minds think similarly" when it should be "great minds think alike" in your The New Paper on Sunday column on the 3rd November 2013?

But I have no right to dictate that you follow strict rules, because you know, freedom of expression and all that...

I do read your articles, but not every week. Because sometimes you're just not that funny.

Here's an advanced Happy 5th of November!

Regards,
Jasmine Lee
Anarchist Sympathiser



Dear mr Ong.

Let me start off by saying I no longer purchase the new paper.

Have not bought a copy in years. Even when I did buy it everyday it was mainly to read the sports pages. Now I get my daily fix online.

My father still buys the paper everyday though. So once in a while I will read tnp. For old times sake.

And in these rare moments that I have the paper and some spare time. I always come away with the impression that you're a funny writer. A different style to your colleague Mr Neil Humphreys. But to me, funny nonetheless.

Just sending you some love to let you know your act blur columns are appreciated. Take the lack of compliments you might not be receiving as a good sign. Hey it could be worse you know. You could have been really flooded with complaints.

Hope this gets to you and brightens your day.


Sent from Samsung Mobile



Dear S M Ong

When I have not been forced to read your column, I have on occasion (2 of them) found it mildly amusing. However I must protest vehemently regarding today's article. Your hyperbole and exaggerations are simply ridiculous, especially regarding the assertion that no one reads your column! I can attest to at least 2 people reading your comments today.

I, myself, was reading it in a local coffee shop along with a 'kaypoh' uncle who seemed to be enjoying it from over my shoulder. Additionally a third man requested if he may read it in the rest room although the coffee shop auntie later told me that the toilet had run out of toilet paper so the third reading can not be confirmed.

Your assertion that 'V' for Vendetta has not had a sequel because of Natalie Portman is utter nonsense. It is common knowledge that there has been no sequel due to the fact that Hugo Weaving has turned into a werewolf in the Wolfman, making him unavailable for any work baring another Twilight movie.

Why o why would you want a holiday to remember Guy Fawkes? This man was a complete fool. Anyone knows that there is so much hot air coming out of the British Parliament that all he would have needed to do would be to light a match and the whole building would have been blown to smithereens.

As for Groundhog Day - for goodness sake! In the case of Singapore, it is always Groundhog Day - sleep, eat, work, eat, sleep. There would be a holiday for 365 days every year!



One of the reasons that I have kept reading your articles is that I always hoped you would mention what the S M stands for. My guess is Siu Mei after your mother's favourite dish. I had initially thought it was So Macho but having read about your Army Days I soon dropped that thought.

However, I feel I can help you. There are a number of factors that have conspired against you.

You are now on the back page. This is not good. People turn to the back page for sport, so when they see your face they immediately curse you, utter expletives and search out the sport pages - never to return!

Alternatively people who start from the front of the paper reach the sports pages and stop, so they probably don't even know you exist. A solution here would be to put your column in the middle of the sports pages, say between Kaki Iain Macintosh and Gary Lim. Your views on sex, vice, corruption and infidelity would be half read until readers would realise that it was not about sport. Oh!.. hang on a minute.

It is unfortunate that your column is juxtaposed with that of Neil Humphreys - as you have surely heard the saying 'Ang Moh's spoil the market'. I understand he is so tall that he is on stand-by if weather balloons fail. I think you have to agree that he is very funny and stiff competition for you. However given his height and that he supports West Ham, a terrific sense of humour is a prerequisite.

Competition can come from many areas. Take the parents' of Oxide Pang for example - fantastic sense of humour! Just be grateful they don't apply for your job. By the way, does Oxide have any children? If he does I guarantee they would be called Nitrous, Carbon Di and Per.

In order to vastly increase your readership you need to focus on market forces. There are 2 ways in which you can do this.

1 Write on a topic that all Singaporeans will read - food! You can't go wrong. Be the male version of the 'Hed Chef'. You could call your column 'Ong's Pong - cuisines and dishes involving durians, cheese and rotten eggs. You could be Singapore's Gordon Ramsey!

2 If all else fails, go back to what you are brilliant at, something that has made you a household name (well within your own family anyway) and something for which you will always be remembered. That's right, write some more episodes of Phua Chu Kang. I understand that the very first episode cured thousands of insomnia in Singapore, JB and some say Batam

Regards
Peter Davies.



Hallo SM0ng

JUST in case you weren't joking in your column

I read it

Now that SPH has taken away Calvin and H, your column is the only reason I read TNP on Suns

I know you got to be supportive of colleagues. But I find expats who try to be local simply pathetic

He tries too hard And I get irritated

Whereas your column, I id with at once

I would say 'keep up the good work' But that makes me sound like my teachers and principals, few of whom I have much fondness of

0k, my Pri 1 teacher - perhaps

I think it's highly under-rated - the ability to make a bunch of illiterates know how to read and add (Mine was from a long time ago, when the Pri 1 teacher was my first encounter with education)

Best regards,
A



Hello SMOng,

I think you write very well - you are able to put in so many seemingly different items into one connected piece. I am upgrading my vocabulary and my knowledge through your pieces as well.

Halloween is even more popular than our local seventh month, not just Deepavali...I wonder why (am also trying to act blur)...now I also know Guy Fawkes Day is Nov 5, thanks to you.

You are probably the first to ask for feedback. Usually, when I write, the receiver does not even respond, so I really don't know whether it was received.

Cheers,
Lilian Teo

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The 5th of November remembered

After Halloween, it's Guy Fawkes Day in Singapore

Why do I even bother?

Week after week, I slave over this column, but sometimes I get the feeling that no one is even reading it.

Well, no one except Adam Lambert fans, defenders of Chinese New Year and someone working at KK Women’s and Children’s Hospital who called me Samantha.

How do I know these people are reading this column? Because they wrote in to complain about this column.

And these were not hastily typed short critiques but lengthy thoughtful dissertations on how I am unprofessional, unfair and unfunny, missives which could be wordier than the articles they were condemning.

Hey, at least they cared enough to write.

As vicious as these flagellations can be, they at least provide some indication that people are reading this column even if they loath it.

When I was producing TV shows for Channel 5, I received daily ratings reports so I had an estimation of how many (or how few, since we’re talking about Channel 5) people watched a specific show.

At a newspaper, circulation and readership figures may be available, but as for how many people actually read this specific column, I am so demoralised now, my guess is zero.

Why am I so demoralised? Blame Halloween.

As everyone knows - unless you were too busy celebrating Deepavali - Halloween was on Thursday.

Last month, a glut of Halloween-related events were organised around Singapore.



There was a zombie run as well as a zombie walk last weekend. (I’m shocked there wasn’t a zombie yoga class.) A Singaporean zombie book was launched on Halloween itself. It was zombie this, zombie that - I’m sick to un-death of zombies.

I guess it’s the time of the season.



But it’s not this Halloween overkill that’s driving me to an early grave.

It’s people saying: “Wah, why is Halloween suddenly so big in Singapore this year?”

Hello! I predicted this in my column two years ago! Does anyone read my column? Obviously not.

On Oct 30, 2011, The New Paper on Sunday published a column by me entitled “Why Deepavali is better than Halloween”.

Like this year, Deepavali fell on the same week as Halloween in 2011. I reported that “some grumbled about seeing more decorations in Singapore for Halloween than Deepavali”.

2011 was also the year when all the fuss was made over Wildlife Reserves Singapore replacing the Halloween Horrors event at the Night Safari with a “Deepavali-themed line-up”.

So I listed a few reasons Deepavali is better than Halloween, including the fact that Deepavali is an actual public holiday while Halloween is not.

But I conceded that “despite the misgivings, I expect Halloween to be even more popular in Singapore in coming years”.

If you had read that, you shouldn't be so surprised to see all the Halloween stuff being sold in NTUC FairPrice supermarkets.



In that column, I also half-jokingly suggested that since Singaporeans are celebrating Halloween, we might as well celebrate other popular American holidays like Thanksgiving, Groundhog Day and Independence Day too.

Now it appears someone else has taken that half joke to another level.

Last Thursday, an online video was released showing someone in a mask (on Halloween, of course) calling for “freedom of information” in Singapore.



At first, I thought it was an over-elaborate viral marketing video for the movie sequel to V For Vendetta, but then I remembered there’s no such thing as a movie sequel to V For Vendetta. Natalie Portman is too busy playing Thor’s girlfriend.



What I found interesting was that the video ended with the line: “Remember, remember, the fifth of November.”

At first, I thought it was referring to an old Harry Belafonte song I know, “Try to remember the kind of September…” but then it was the wrong month.



The line turned out to be a reference to a poem about Guy Fawkes Day, a day observed in the UK on Nov 5.

Guy Fawkes was a British guy who conspired and failed to blow up the House of Lords in 1605. His historic epic fail is now sarcastically commemorated with fireworks and bonfires.



So Arnold Gay might have celebrated Guy Fawkes Day a little too early.

Also, the mask that the person is wearing in the video is a Guy Fawkes mask from the V For Vendetta movie, based on an 80s graphic novel by Alan Moore and David Lloyd.

So like my column, the video is just suggesting that since Singaporeans are celebrating a foreign holiday like Halloween, we might as well celebrate Guy Fawkes Day too.

I’m not saying that whoever made the video was inspired by my two-year-old article. I’m just saying that great minds think similarly.

Anyway, I doubt they had read my column. No one does.

Please complain if you’re there.

- Published in The New Paper, 3 November 2013

EARLIER: Why Deepavali is better than Halloween (but not Independence Day)

UPDATE: Readers write in to 'complain'