Thursday 12 February 2009

Looking for sex and glamour? Become a teacher!

You know, I’ve always wanted to be a rock star (which partly explains my hair).

But after seeing the Ministry of Education (MOE) scholarship ad in The Straits Times last month with educators posing in black leather jackets and boots, I realised that the real glamour is in teaching.

And I wasn’t the only one who felt that way. In Parliament on Tuesday, MP Denise Phua of Jalan Besar GRC expressed concern that the ad “over-glamorised” the teaching profession.

And let me tell you, if there’s one major problem that’s plaguing the teaching profession today, it’s the glamour.

Your students hound you to sign their autograph books at the end of every school year, MTV keeps calling you because they want to feature your HDB flat on MTV Cribs, and don’t even get me started on the paparazzi.

The high pay, the long school holidays, the iron rice bowl – it’s a gruelling jet-setting, red-carpet lifestyle that only the likes of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie can relate to.

But having never been a teacher before in my life, I can assure you that it’s not all “money for nothin’ and get your chicks for free”.

Unless you’re that 32-year-old female teacher who on Monday pleaded guilty to having sex with an underaged male student.

Then you get something else that rhymes with “chicks” for free.

A teacher like that is, of course, every straight teen boy’s fantasy (and nightmare if the teacher is male).

Who needs SDU when we’ve got MOE?

The trick is to wait a few years for your student to reach legal age before hooking up. It also helps if you’re not already married and the student won’t threaten to kill you and your family when you want to break up.

Besides sex with students, teachers also enjoy other privileges that we common folk can only envy, like Teachers’ Day.

I mean, do I get a Columnists’ Day? Have the editors ever gone up to the assembly hall stage to perform a special song and dance dedicated to me? Never!

And then there’s the sham that is Children’s Day. Oh, we all pretend that it’s for the kids, but come on, ultimately it’s just another day off for the teachers.

Even rock stars don’t get a Rock Stars’ Day.

And that was why I decided to put aside my plans to become the next Jonas brother and go into teaching instead – until I found out that I had to do some actual teaching.

Oh well, at least I still have my Guitar Hero game on Xbox.

- Unpublished