Welcome to the new normal.
Floods. Haze. Ris Low.
Baby lizard in your Sausage McMuffin?
To be fair, the haze has been an on-and-off affair since the 90s. So it’s actually part of the old normal.
And the lizard tail turned out to be a chicken vein, according to McDonald’s
I believe that finding a chicken part resembling a reptile part in a McDonald’s breakfast menu item is a freak event that occurs only once in 50 years.
But then once is probably once too often for some people.
A few years ago, my wife bit into something hard while eating a piece of bread.
She took it out of her mouth and saw it was a dead beetle (not to be confused with John Lennon or George Harrison, ie a dead Beatle).
At first, I thought it could be a raisin - except my wife wasn’t eating raisin bread. And it was much bigger than a raisin.
I wrote an e-mail to the bread company to complain.
Someone from the company came to our home with a fresh loaf of bread he bought from a nearby convenience store to exchange for my wife’s half-chewed bug-encrusted piece of bread.
It also had some jam on it.
After some time, the company e-mailed back and suggested that the insect could have come from the jam.
I pointed out that the bug was embedded in the bread, so the jam was just an innocent bystander.
Later, we received a letter from the company assuring us of its commitment to quality and invited us to tour its Singapore bakery.
A free tour? I could use the vacation.
I was keen to go, but for some reason, my wife wasn’t interested in seeing how bread was baked. It’s not quite the Eiffel Tower.
It seemed like we weren’t getting any more compensation apart from the one free loaf of bread and the free bakery tour offer. I’m not sure what we were hoping for.
More free bread? But then again, do we really want more bread from the company whose bread we just found a dead insect in?
Cash? The tainted bread cost only two bucks or so.
Compensation for the distress of biting into a dead beetle? Well, at least my wife didn’t swallow it.
If she had, then we might not have even known about it. If a bug in the bread is eaten and no one sees it, does it make a crunchy sound?
I decided to write it off as one of those things that happens only once in 50 years.
We still buy bread from the company and we haven’t found a bug carcass entombed in any of the baked goods since. I figure we’ll die before the 50 years are up.
And despite the alleged McGecko, people were still going to McDonald’s for the Sausage McMuffin.
Perhaps they figured even if it was a lizard, since someone else had already found it, another wallcrawler wouldn’t turn up in their food until 2063.
If the reptile tail-resembling chicken vein wasn’t enough to turn your stomach last week, the trailer for Ris Low’s new movie Justice Devil was also released online.
Yes, she’s back – with a vengeance. And it hasn’t even been close to 50 years.
Judging by the 90-second trailer, the Mandarin movie looks similar to the violent 70s sexpoitation cult classic I Spit On Your Grave, about a woman who gets revenge by tormenting her former tormentors.
Sort of like what Low is doing to us with the trailer.
The former Miss Singapore World even wields an axe. Maybe she’s hunting for leopards. They make nice prints. Unfortunately, she doesn’t wear a “bigini” in the trailer.
I feel like I should get partial credit (or blame) for Low being in the movie, which will be released this month, according to the trailer.
Back in 2009, I wrote in The New Paper: “And somewhere out there, someone must be producing a women’s prison movie with a role for her in it. One can only hope.”
Okay, so Justice Devil is not a women’s prison movie per se, but Justice Devil is in the same exploitation genre as a women’s prison movie. That’s close enough. Boomz for me.
But what I did fail to foresee is that the most horrifying thing about the trailer is that Low appears to have regained the kilos she lost in 2010 when she actually looked kind of hot – to me, at least.
Back then, she told TNP that people calling her fat made her angry.
If her weight in the trailer is the new normal, then I strongly recommend some anger management classes.
She should also watch what she eats – and not just for dead bugs in her bread.
Perhaps she has been swallowing too many Sausage McMuffins?
Hmmm, if only there’s some way McDonald’s can make her lose her appetite...
- Published in The New Paper, 8 September 2013
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