Sunday, 31 March 2013

Vandalism & semen: They work in mischievous ways

Funny how the meanings of certain words change as you grow older.

For instance, when I was a boy, I enjoyed going to Gay World.

Nowadays, that could be taken to mean that I used to enjoy going to a world of homosexuals.

Which may be true, but that’s not what I meant.

“Gay World” refers to the now-demolished Gay World Amusement Park, originally known as Happy World.

Of course, it has been a long time since “gay” just means “happy”.

Just as it has been a long time since I can be accurately described as a "boy", although I was described as “childish” by a reader as recently as three weeks ago.

When I was an actual child many, many years ago, the sternest admonition I could receive was to be called “naughty”.

As in “Why did put glue in your sister’s hair? You’re a very naughty boy!”

“I’m sorry. Please don’t punish me.”


More or less synonymous with "naughty” is the word “mischievous”.

I would’ve preferred to be called “mischievous” as a boy because “mischievous” sounds less naughty than “naughty”.

“Mischievous” evokes a sense of playfulness, a twinkle in the eye, as opposed to the bratty misbehaviour of “naughty”.

But now that I’m an adult, “naughty” has taken on a more, uh, adult connotation. Being called “naughty” is almost sort of a good thing.

As in “Why are you wearing edible underwear? You’re a very naughty boy.”

“Yes, I am. Punish me, please.”


On the other hand, it seems less acceptable to be “mischievous” as a grown-up because you may be charged with “mischief” and go to jail for it.

Last week, Samantha Lo Xin Hui, better known as the “Sticker Lady”, was charged with 15 counts of mischief for offences included pasting stickers with the words “Press until shiok” on traffic-light control boxes and spray-painting “My Grandfather Road” on public roads.



If convicted, Lo, 26, could face a fine or up to two years’ jail, or both.

While there was certainly playfulness in what Lo allegedly did, this is “mischief” of a different kind.

According to the Penal Code:
“Whoever, with intent to cause, or knowing that he is likely to cause, wrongful loss or damage to the public or any person, causes the destruction of any property, or any such change in any property, or in the situation thereof, as destroys or diminishes its value or utility, or affects it injuriously, commits ‘mischief’.”

If I read that correctly, it means that you could actually go to jail for putting glue in your sister’s hair but not for wearing edible underwear.

The Penal Code doesn’t say anything about playfulness or a twinkle in the eye.

It does give the example that if you have “joint property” in a horse with someone named Z and you shoot the horse, intending to cause wrongful loss to poor Z, you would have committed “mischief”.

Well, there goes my plans for next weekend. I must remember to inform the folks at Ikea I won’t be sending them the horse meat after all.

Let me give you another example of “mischief”.

In February 2008, a man masturbated to a photograph of a female colleague and collected his semen in a small container.

The man, who worked as a civilian officer in the police force, then went to his office in the police headquarters at Irrawaddy Road and waited for the colleague to leave her desk.

When she did, he mixed his semen with the water in her water bottle. When she returned, he struck up a conversation with her and secretly recorded her drinking the tainted water.

Two months later, he did the same thing with another female colleague.

The videos of his colleagues drinking the tainted water were stored on his personal computer at home.

These and upskirt videos were discovered in a police raid after a third female colleague caught him taking upskirt photos of her.

Although he had clearly been a very naughty boy, he wasn’t charged with naughtiness.

In December 2010, he was sentenced to 18 months in jail after pleading guilty to eight counts of taking underskirt videos and two counts of mischief for putting semen into his colleagues’ water.

Yes, that counted as mischief.

So the Sticker Lady, who allegedly vandalised public property, is facing the same charges as the guy who “vandalised” someone’s drink.

It brings a whole new meaning to “Press until shiok”.

I would almost rather be charged with vandalism - especially if I’m a woman and exempted from being caned.

And I believe the Sticker Lady is a woman even though she did not look like one in court last week.

How I long for the days of my grandfather when women looked like women, “gay” still meant “happy” and “mischief” didn’t mean putting semen into...

“Wait, that is glue in your sister’s hair, right?”

- Published in The New Paper, 31 March 2013

Sunday, 24 March 2013

Daddy, daddy, what is oral sex?

So, parents, how harrowing has the past week been for you?

And I’m not talking being stuck with the kids 24/7 because of the school holidays.

Just let them have their smartphone, tablet or whatever and they won’t trouble you until they want to be fed.

I’m not even talking about the fear of your kids falling into a sinkhole.

No, I’m talking about all the not-so-family-friendly news that you hope your kids don’t ask you about.

“Daddy, daddy, what is oral sex?”

“Uh... that is when someone uses his or her mouth to... uh... make someone else very happy... aiyah, stop bothering me and go play with your iPhone.”


Even for a nation that produced Michael Palmer, Cecilia Sue and married 30something teachers who have affairs with underage students, last week was particularly fertile in terms of prurience.

The big story was, of course, the sex-for-contracts trial where former SCDF head Peter Lim was charged with corruptly obtaining oral sex from former Nimrod Engineering general manager Pang Chor Mui.



I wondered why anyone would name a company Nimrod Engineering. It’s equivalent to calling it Idiot Engineering, which I don’t think is a very good name.

So I Googled it and found out that Nimrod was the name of a king in the Bible who was a great hunter. Oh, so that's why.

But it’s fair to say that for most of us in post-biblical times, “nimrod” means “idiot”.

As in “What nimrod would name his company Nimrod Engineering?”

Now if only someone could explain to me the meaning of the Pixies song Nimrod’s Son...



Anyway, the Peter Lim case wasn’t only the big sex trial last week. We also had Swiss ex-banker Juerg Buergin who was charged with having paid sex with an underage prostitute from an online vice ring.

“Daddy, daddy, what is a prostitute?”

“That’s what I feel like every time I pretend to laugh at my boss’s jokes so that I can afford to pay for your iPhone. Aiyah, stop bothering me and I'll buy you an iPad.”

Buergin’s lawyer said Buergin was deceived by the girl and her pimp into believing she was not underage.

“Daddy, daddy, what is a pimp?”

“It’s from this show called Pimp My Ride where people make their cars more beautiful. If you stop talking to me, I’ll buy you an Xbox with Kinect.”

And then there was also the relief teacher who had sex with his 13-year-old female student.

And the auxiliary police officer with Certis Cisco who used his warrant card to try and get a discount from a prostitute.

And the guy who placed a spy camera inside a shampoo rack of a bathroom to record a woman in the shower.

And the thief with a wallet fetish who was sentenced to 13 months’ jail.

“Daddy, daddy, what is a fetish?”

“That’s when you like something so much that it’s bad for you. Like you asking so many questions. Why aren’t you playing with the new 27-inch iMac I just bought you?”


What is a responsible parent to do in the face of this unwholesome onslaught?

Do we shield our children from adult reality and try to preserve their innocence just a little longer?

Or is their innocence already lost because we let them surf the Internet on their smartphone, tablet or whatever?

“Daddy, I found out what a pimp really is. I just Googled it on the iMac.”

“Please don’t Google ‘oral sex’!”


Who should come to our rescue but the Health Promotion Board (HPB)?

Last Wednesday, in the midst of the racy parade, I saw an HPB ad in The Straits Times with the word “SEX” in large capital letters.

It got my attention. The ad read: “Sex is a confusing maze. Talk your child through it.”

Yes, but how? We parents feel a little lost in this sexy confusing maze ourselves.

Funny you should ask because the ad was for seminars held at Republic Polytechnic yesterday on the role that parents play in our kids’ sexual development.

Targeted at parents of children aged five to 16, topics included “Too young to talk about sexuality?” and “Minding sex in the media”.

According to the HPB website:

“Parents can only protect their children till a certain stage of their life.

“Learn how you can prepare and teach your child how to draw their own boundaries and be media-savvy with regard to sex in the media.”

How timely. See? Even HPB acknowledges there was a lot of sex in the news last week.

Unfortunately, among the topics, there wasn’t one called “How do I prevent my kids from becoming underage prostitutes for an online vice ring?”

Or “How do I prevent my kids from having sex with their teachers?”

However, there was a topic called “But Mom, Dad! Everyone’s doing it!”

Despite the missing topics, I am grateful to HPB for organising the free seminars for us nimrod parents.

I’m also relieved the children are going back to school tomorrow.

If only HPB could also organise a seminar on how to prevent our kids from falling into sinkholes.

They’re everywhere!

But sinkholes are only slightly less hazardous to our children than Google.

The Internet can be such a debaser.



“Daddy, daddy...”

“Aiyah, I thought the holidays are over. Aren't you supposed to be in school?”


- Published in The New Paper, 24 March 2013

Thursday, 21 March 2013

Well, that's innovative

In The Straits Times yesterday:



So how is Singapore the most innovative Asia-Pacific city?

We walk on the tracks when the train breaks down and escape from the cops by jumping from the third floor.

Our Health Promotion Board also runs a big ad in the papers to get parents to talk to their kids about sex and attend its seminars.



As if to make sure you're frightened enough for your children, next to the HPB sex ad is a New Paper blurb that says, "Pimp tells of underage girl in online vice ring case: She demanded I raise her fee, or else..."

Sex is a confusing maze indeed.

(Though the sex maze kinda reminds me of Pac-Man.)

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