Sequelitis: Darinne Ko is no Cecilia Sue (and farewell, Yam Ah Mee)

2013 is the year of sequels.

Actually, just about any year is the year of sequels, but I need a premise for this column, so work with me here.

Last year, we had The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2, The Dark Knight Rises, Skyfall, Men In Black 3, Taken 2, The Expendables 2, Wrath Of The Titans and Piranha 3DD among others, including the ultimate sequel, Marvel’s The Avengers, which was like a sequel to four different movies.

This year, we’ll have Ah Boys To Men Part 2, Iron Man 3, Star Trek Into Darkness, A Good Day To Die Hard, G.I. Joe: Retaliation, The Hangover Part 3, Kick Ass 2, Red 2, The Wolverine, Thor: The Dark World, Anchorman: The Legend Continues, Scary Movie 5, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, The Hobbit: The Desolation Of Smaug and quite a few more.



I can’t wait to see which new movie will have a burger named after it, like the Avengers Zinger Double Down, “the mightiest burger ever assembled”. I propose The Hunger Games: Catching Fire Spicy Whopper, flame-broiled to shoot your hunger down and set your taste buds on fire.

Yet, despite the deliciousness of sequels, none were nominated for the Best Picture Oscar last week, not even The Dark Knight Rises. Steven Spielberg’s Lincoln doesn’t count because apparently, it’s not a sequel to Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Slayer. And Zero Dark Thirty isn’t a sequel to Zero Dark Twenty-Nine.



I mean, was a burger named after any of the Best Picture nominees? Sure, there’s Life Of Pie, but that’s a pastry.

The pervasiveness of sequels is such that they may have spilled over to the non-movie world.



For example, last week’s sex-for-grades trial starring former NUS law professor Tey Tsun Hang and his former student Darinne Ko resembled a sequel to last year’s sex-for-contracts trial starring former Central Narcotics Bureau chief Ng Boon Gay and former IT sales manager Cecilia Sue.

But comparing Tey and Ms Ko to Ng and Ms Sue is like comparing Jeremy Renner in The Bourne Legacy to Matt Damon in the previous Bourne movies. It’s just not the same.



In our hearts, we would always wish it was Matt Damon or Cecilia Sue.

Other upcoming follow-ups in 2013 include another sex-for-contract trial (starring former Singapore Civil Defence Force chief Peter Lim) and the continuation of the City Harvest saga starring founder Kong Hee with the soundtrack provided by his singer wife Ho Yeow Sun. Yes, more China Whine.



But the big sequel this month is the fourth election we’ll have in Singapore in less than two years.

First, we had the “watershed” General Election in May 2011. Then we had the Presidential election three months later. The Hougang by-election last May made it a trilogy.

When Mr Michael Palmer unexpectedly resigned as the Member of Parliament for Punggol East last month, a quadrilogy was inevitable.

Just when Singaporeans thought we were out, Mr Palmer pulled us back into another election season.

(That line, by the way, is based on a quote from another sequel, The Godfather Part 3.)

It was like when director Peter Jackson announced that he’s turning The Hobbit from a two-parter into three movies.

Really? Another one?

I wonder how Dr Koh Poh Koon, the People’s Action Party candidate for Punggol East, will look in High Frame Rate 3D.



I’m going to stick my neck out and predict that this upcoming by-election will be the series finale. That’s it. Over.

Then after about three years, there will be a reboot in the form of a General Election.

And how will that future reboot be different from this current election series?

No more Mr Yam Ah Mee.

As returning officer, he has announced the polling results on TV for the past three elections.







Pursuant to last week’s news that Mr Yam will be stepping down as the chief executive director of People’s Association later this year, the Punggol East by-election will likely be his farewell performance.

Remember how we thought the original three Star Wars movies were about Luke Skywalker? Then the three prequels revealed that the entire six-movie saga is really about Darth Vader?

Well, these four elections are really about Yam Ah Mee.

We were introduced to him in the 2011 General Election and we will say goodbye to him in the Jan 26 by-election.

Just be grateful he was never played by an eight-year-old Jake Lloyd.

There may not be a burger named after Mr Yam, but his name is already a noodle dish.

How’s that for a happy ending?

- Published in The New Paper, 13 January 2013

Gee, your hair smells

Partly because my son mistook me for a woman two Saturdays ago, I went to get a haircut on Monday.

I decided to try this new place in Yew Tee called Snip Avenue where a haircut is only $3.80.

That's even cheaper than QB House which has raised its price from $10 to $12 last month.

The trouble I have with these hair places is that if you don't speak Chinese, you may have some difficulty communicating with your cutter.

My Snip Avenue cutter first spoke to me in Mandarin, but when I took a while to respond, she switched to English. When I spoke to her in English, I sensed she wasn't very comfortable with the language.

The last thing I wanted was someone holding a sharp instrument near my head to be uncomfortable with me and so I switched to my pre-school level Mandarin. She seemed relieved and spoke to me in Mandarin from then on.

And what she said was:

• My hair was dirty.
• I had dandruff.
• My hair was falling out because of the dandruff.
• My hair was smelly.

It was the first time a person I was paying to cut my hair had ever told me that my hair stank. I didn't know whether to be offended or impressed by her bluntness.

I asked her what I should do with my smelly hair. She recommended scalp treatments and hair products were brought out for me to buy.

That was when I began to suspect that she might have an ulterior motive for verbally abusing my hair - she wanted me to buy stuff.

I mean, how else are they going to make money when they charge only $3.80 for a haircut?

I gave the excuse that I had to consult my wife before I could buy any hair product and left the salon after paying $3.80 for the haircut and immediately headed for NTUC FairPrice supermarket where I bought a $12.90 (reduced from $14.60) bottle of Head & Shoulders anti-dandruff shampoo for men hair retain (after getting my wife's approval on the phone, of course).

Upon returning home, I asked my wife if my cutter had said my hair was smelly because she wanted to sell me stuff.

My wife said yes, but my hair also really stinks.

And after all that, I think I actually look more like a woman now than before the haircut.

BEFORE



AFTER

Man! He’s not a woman!

I’m a country music fan.

Before Taylor Swift, the big country crossover star was Shania Twain. One of Twain’s hits was a song called Man! I Feel Like A Woman! with two exclamation points in the title.



I’m bringing this up because I’ll be referencing this song title several times in this column and I want to make sure you get the reference like Captain America did with the “flying monkeys” reference in The Avengers movie.

I just hope I don’t have to explain that Captain America reference.

Anyway, not long ago, I received an e-mail from a reader who addressed me as “Samantha”.

Man! That made me feel like a woman!

It was not the first time I was mistaken for a woman and it wouldn’t be the last.

It is, of course, not uncommon for a man to be mistaken for a woman.

On Wednesday, the front page of The New Paper read: “New Year’s Eve party shock: Woman has cardiac arrest in Zouk. Two people give her CPR. Page 2.”



The next day, there was arguably an even bigger shock.

Thursday’s TNP front page read: “‘Woman’ in Zouk cardiac arrest turns out to be a man. Described by witnesses as a ‘very attractive woman’. Page 2.”



Fortunately, Friday’s TNP front page didn’t read: “‘Woman’ in ‘Zouk’ cardiac arrest, who turned out to be a man, turns out to be at St James Power Station. Page 2.”

I’m wondering what went through the minds of the two people who gave “her” cardiopulmonary resuscitation - which includes mouth-to-mouth breathing and chest compressions - after reading the second TNP front page.

“Man? He felt like a woman!”

The man was last reported to be in intensive care and I wish him a speedy recovery.

(UPDATE: The man has died in hospital)

Also last week, there was a Straits Times report about a 7-Eleven store assistant named Tan Yeong Perng who lured a 15-year-old boy into the storeroom and committed an obscene act.

The report said the boy “felt something was amiss when his leg accidentally brushed against Tan’s groin, and realised that Tan was actually a male”.

Man! That doesn’t feel like a woman!

Tan was jailed for 15 months for the offence.

My son is also 15 years and I’m a little worried for him.

He joined his school’s Chinese orchestra last year, which was a surprise to his mother and me as no one in the family, including him, ever had any interest in traditional Chinese music before. It isn’t exactly Taylor Swift, you know?

Someone had somehow coaxed my son into trying a traditional Chinese wind instrument called the suona, which he turned out to be good enough at that he was asked to join the orchestra.



Last month, my wife and I got tickets to see our son for the first time performing in the Chinese orchestra, but she couldn’t make it. So I went alone.

The performance was in a room in the school and I was a bit late. My son was already there and I thought I made eye contact with him as I took my seat.

As I watched him play the suona, I felt so proud of myself for being such a supportive parent - unlike one mother I could mention.

After the unexpectedly enjoyable performance, the audience was directed out of the room while the students remained.

I didn’t want to leave the school without saying goodbye, so I called my son's mobile phone, but he didn’t answer and so I left without speaking to him.

A couple of hours later, I received an SMS from my son: “Why you call me? Is it pocket dial?”

He must have seen the “missed call” alert on his phone.

I replied: “I just wanted to say bye to you in school.”

He messaged back: “You were at school?”

Wait. He didn’t know I was there?

I immediately called him and asked: “You didn’t see me at the performance?”

He said: “No.”

I said: “But I saw you see me. I came in late.”

He said: “All I saw was this woman in an orange top.”

I said: “That was me! I was wearing an orange top!”

He said: “Really? Oh.”

Man! My own son mistook me for a woman!

Maybe this was just the universe’s way of reminding me to get a haircut before Chinese New Year.

And that I should keep my son away from convenience stores.

I wanted to ask him if he at least thought I was a “very attractive woman”, but then another Shania Twain song title came to mind - Don’t Be Stupid.



I think I’m going to start listening to more Faith Hill from now on.

- Published in The New Paper, 6 January 2013



UPDATE: Gee, your hair smells