S M Ong

Whitney who?

2012-02-12T12:32:00.004+08:00

The Greatest Love Of All by George Benson

I believe the children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the children's laughter remind us of how it use to be
Everybody's searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone to fulfill my needs
A lonely place to be
So I learned to depend on me

I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadow
If I fail, If I succeed
At least I live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity

Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all
I believe the children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the children's laughter remind us how we use to be

And if by chance that special place
That you've been dreaming of
Leads you to a lonely place
Find your strength in love

Alamak! I’m up against Nicole Seah at Young Writers Media Festival

2012-02-12T00:47:00.011+08:00

It’s my first time. So please be gentle.

I e-mailed the person I will be doing it with, fellow New Paper columnist Neil Humphreys, for guidance.

He wrote back: “Don’t worry about it. Do these all the time.”

I’m glad at least one of us has done something like this before. He reminded me that a third person will be there to make things easier.

As if it isn’t awkward enough that I’m a virgin at this, it’s going to be a threesome at a hotel with two other guys I’ve never met before.

And people will be paying to watch us do it.

And my parents thought I wouldn’t amount to anything.

Yes, my participation in next weekend’s All In! Young Writers Media Festival at Rendezvous Hotel has been confirmed. My picture is in the festival booklet and everything. So they’re stuck with me.

“Targeting aspiring/emerging young writers and tertiary students who have interest in writing and the literary arts”, the event is organised by the National Book Development Council of Singapore, but those in the know just call it The Book Council, which sounds hipper and requires remarkably fewer keystrokes.

Since 2009, the annual event was known as the All In! Young Writers Seminar and lasted only one day. But this year, it has levelled up from seminar to media festival and is on both Saturday and Sunday.

According to an e-mail I received from The Book Council, “the two-day event will bring together established practitioners in their respective fields to discuss interesting current topics and also educate and inspire these young writers”.

Hey, I’m an “established practitioner”! I want that engraved on my tombstone, along with “Earned three stars on all Angry Birds Rio levels”.

So how did a joker like me get involved in something as well-meaning as this?

According to that same e-mail, it was another fellow New Paper columnist who recommended me - Sylvia Toh Paik Choo.

My guess is that the Book Council asked her first and she fobbed it off on me.

So I wasn’t the first choice. I’m just a second-string substitute. Was Mr Brown unavailable?

To quote the great Smokey Robinson: “Now there's some sad things known to man, but ain't too much sadder than the tears of a clown.” (No copyright infringement intended.)

My only consolation is that the festival booklet said there will be a lunch-time special featuring a “stunning lunch buffet”. Did you read that? “Stunning”. The lunch buffet will stun you. I want to be stunned by my food.

The “stunning lunch buffet” alone should be worth the festival registration fee of $30 for a two-day pass and $20 for a one-day pass, which I don’t have to pay, I hope. The things I do for free food.

I believe I don’t have to pay because I’m part of a one-hour panel on Saturday with Neil Humphreys called “Pun intended or unintended - should everyone attempt humour in writing?”.

The third wheel in our threesome is moderator Desmond Kon.

I have never met both these men. I’ve seen Neil around but have never spoken to him even though we both write for the same paper.

Unfortunately, I’m afraid our threesome will be upstaged by another panel at the festival held concurrently in another hotel ballroom.

That panel is called “Using new media to reach and engage the community”.

And you know who will be at that panel?

Ms Nicole Seah. Yes, that Nicole Seah.

How can two not-so-young guys like Neil and me hope to compete with the Opposition Sweetheart of General Election 2011?

Maybe I can talk Neil into wearing some make-up.

And you know who else will be at that panel with Ms Seah?

Mr Yee Jenn Jong, the new Workers' Party treasurer, who last week replaced Hougang MP Yaw Shin Leong.

The latter is dogged by allegations of an affair with another married party member.

If I could, I would skip my own panel and attend the other panel just to grill Mr Yee for some gossip. (And perhaps check out what Ms Seah is wearing.)

Maybe you should do the same. Anything is better than watching me pop my cherry.

- Published in The New Paper, 12 February 2012

Is it real? No, it's Phua Chu Kang

2012-02-08T14:02:00.008+08:00

Once again, while trawling the web, I came across someone "studying" my past work.

Previously, it was an old New Paper column. Now it's an old Phua Chu Kang episode I wrote, produced and directed.

It was the highest rated regular episode of the final season (thanks to a Mr Bean lead-in) aired during Christmas 2006.

The episode is called VR Man.

Even though the story is hokum, I'm particularly proud of this episode because of how the 3-D computer animation was integrated into the episode, which I don't think has ever been done before in local TV or ever since. (Look out for a cool blooper at the very end.)

Some kids decided to analyse it for what purpose I don't know and posted the analysis on a blog last year.

VR Man forever!

ANALYSIS OF 'VIRTUAL REALITY' EPISODE - THEMATIC APPROACH

"Virtual Reality" Episode - Simulation

Phua Chu Beng (PCB) has a new device: VRHMD - Virtual Reality Head-Mounted Display where he is able to experience a simulation in a small device!

It is a device where we can be in a 'total immerse in a interactive computer simulated graphic environment' which gets to "show the client what the house looks like before it is being built".

Instead of just a drawing (2Dimension) of the house, he is able to experience stepping into the house (3Dimension) as he views the house from the VR HMD.

This is reflective of what we have learnt about the simulacra - a representation of the real which is different from the original.

By viewing the simulation of the house from the VR HMD, PCB is able to get a feel of the house as if he has been there before.

Like what PCB says "total immerse in a interactive computer-simulated graphic environment!", "like the matrix movie", it gives us almost the same simulation as the real everywhere we go, and we do not need to be in the house to have a taste of what it is like!

This VR HMD blurs the line between the real and the virtual real, and PCB is unsure whether there is a fixed reality as the real is re-represented by another medium (in this case, the VR HMD) again.

"This actually puts you in the house... It is a computer simulation of the house.. Oh so it is not real.. No it is virtually real, that's why it is called virtual reality!"

There is also a case of irony where PCB remarks that "we are not talking about some stupid local TV show here, we're talking about the real thing! Or the virtual real thing..."

However, the TV show is actually a simulation of the lives of a typical Singaporean family who is undergoing a simulation through a virtual reality device! So, do we consider it as a real thing, a virtual real thing or none?

Just some food for thoughts here :)

<a href='http://video.xin.msn.com/?mkt=en-sg&vid=c77c78ae-0566-455f-ab0c-b9be6e52a815&from=&src=v5:embed::' target='_new' title='Ep 9' >Video: Ep 9</a>

Before Fandi, I talked to her when no one else would

2012-02-05T10:45:00.022+08:00

Last month, my wife posed for pictures with a topless male model at the entrance of Abercrombie & Fitch on Orchard Road.

Because he put his arm around her, she felt obliged to reciprocate – or so she claimed – and ended up "unintentionally" touching his naked torso.

She posted the pictures on her blog and wrote: “Absolutely awkward but look how happy I was!”

To even things up, I shall now recount my own encounter with a hot model.

Once upon a time, I attended the opening of a boutique at Paragon Shopping Centre. If I remember correctly, the boutique belonged to local designer Celia Loe.

I used to get invited to many openings and launches because I was, ahem, “media”.

As usual, I was there only for the free food.

On this occasion, I noticed a tall, interesting-looking young woman of indeterminate race sort of standing apart from everyone else.

Even though she was hot, no one was talking to her or paying her much attention, which I thought was strange. She seemed a little lost, like she didn’t belong there, which was also how I felt.

It turned out she was a model hired to model the boutique’s clothes at the opening, and I guess guests aren’t supposed to chat with the hired help. I actually felt sorry for her – as much as one could feel sorry for a hot model.

And since no one was also chatting with me, I decided to chat her up. (Okay, before you judge, I had never done anything like that before and I wasn’t married at the time.)

She was a little shy, but friendly and easy to talk to. She said she was from South Africa and came to Singapore recently with her father who was posted here.

I asked for her number because I might have a modelling job for her.

Okay, I know that sounded like a line, but it was the truth as I was working for a magazine publisher at the time. Really!

Maybe she thought it was a line too because she didn’t give me her number and instead gave me the name of her modelling agency, which was Bess. (Yes, there was actually a modelling agency called Bess. I checked.)

She said if I wanted her, I could call her agency.

Oooh, looked like somebody was playing hard to get. Sure, I’d play along.

Unfortunately, the next day, when I told my colleague – who did the actual hiring of models at my company – about this hot model whom I just met and he should use, he pretended to be interested, then made no effort to follow up.

And that was that. I thought I would never see my hot model again.

Then one day, I read in the news that national football hero Fandi Ahmad was engaged to a South African model named Wendy Jacobs.

Hey, I saw her first!

I was the one who talked to her when no one else would.

And now she was marrying Singapore’s greatest footballer.

Well, that was a step up. Good for her.

And him.

I wonder if she made him call Bess.

I eventually met Jacobs again many years later but didn’t bother to mention we had met before because there was no hint of recognition in her eyes.

I wasn’t worthy enough to be remembered – but I will never forget.

Almost two decades after that fateful day at Paragon, I can finally share my sad Wendy Jacobs story because I feel it’s safe now that her husband has joined Johor FA as a technical advisor last week.

Thanks, Football Association of Singapore, for letting a homegrown talent go.

I mean, Fandi is moving to Malaysia for his new job, right?

He's not? Uh-oh. I hope he doesn’t tell my wife.

- Published in The New Paper, 5 February 2012

Heartland Auntie threw pie in my face over Oscar predictions

2012-01-29T11:23:00.011+08:00

With the announcement of the Academy Awards nominations last week, I’m reminded again – as I am every year – of how The New Paper on Sunday’s "Heartland Auntie" Maureen Koh once threw a pie in my face.

The Ground Zero columnist hates being called Heartland Auntie (who wouldn’t?), which is why we must all continue to call her Heartland Auntie.

The pie incident happened way back in 1994, long before Heartland Auntie became Heartland Auntie. She was only Heartland Lian then.

I was reviewing movies on a Channel 5 variety show called Live On 5, hosted by some guy named Gurmit Singh.

After that year’s Oscar nominations were announced, The New Paper decided to create some buzz by challenging me to predict the winners.

The TNP team, consisting of four entertainment reporters, would make their own predictions. One of the reporters was, of course, Heartland Lian.

If they correctly predicted more winners than I did, they would each get to throw a pie in my face.

(Why pies? I don't know. Maybe someone at TNP watched too many Bugs Bunny cartoons.)

If more of my predictions were correct, I would get to throw a pie on each of their faces.

Seems unfair, doesn’t it? Four against one.

How could they hope to beat me with only four people? It was so unfair to them.

But I accepted the challenge because it meant publicity for the show. I’m selfless that way.

That year, Schindler’s List won the Oscar for Best Picture, which everyone predicted.

The biggest surprise was then-11-year-old Anna Paquin (future X-Man and True Blood heroine) winning the Best Supporting Actress award for The Piano.

Both the TNP team and I wrongly predicted Winona Ryder (future shoplifter) would win the award for director Martin Scorsese’s The Age of Innocence.

The TNP team also wrongly predicted that Daniel Day-Lewis would win the Best Actor award for In The Name Of The Father.

I, along with the rest of the world, correctly predicted Tom Hanks would win for Philadelphia.

But I wrongly predicted that Pete Postlewaite would win the Best Supporting Actor award for In The Name Of The Father.

The TNP team, along with the rest of the world, correctly predicted Tommy Lee Jones would win for The Fugitive.

So who won the Great Oscar Slugout of 1994 between the TNP team and me?

No one. It was a tie.

Did that mean all our faces would go un-pied?

That would be anti-climatic. So someone quickly made up the rule that in the event of a tie, everyone would get a pie in the face – in my case, four times.

Seems unfair, doesn’t it? Yes, it was.

So on Friday, March 24, 1994, at 1:30pm, I went toe to toe with my nemeses at the open space outside Raffles Place MRT station with cream pies sponsored by Boulevard Hotel. The emcee was Hamish Brown. (He had more hair then.)

I reflexively ducked to avoid the first pie. I had to force myself to stand passively as each of the four TNP reporters, including Heartland Lian, shoved a pie in my face. It felt creamy.

Then it was my turn.

Soon, pieces of pie were all over the five of us, not just our faces.

A female bystander came up to me and licked some pie from my ear – then left without a word. Wham bam, thank you, ma’am! Even today, I still have no idea who the woman was.

Three months later, I quit Live On 5 and the show was cancelled some months after that.

I didn’t see Heartland Lian again until 2008 when I joined TNP full-time. By then, Heartland Lian had become Heartland Auntie.

She insisted on becoming my Facebook friend just so she could share 14-year-old photos of her smashing a pie in my face.

So what are my predictions for this year’s Oscars?

I predict that between now and the Academy Awards ceremony on Feb 26, whenever I see Heartland Auntie, I will be thinking of cream pie.

- Published in The New Paper, 29 January 2012

Woohoo! I’m an English assignment question

2012-01-22T09:00:00.015+08:00

Many years ago, someone introduced me to local literary lioness Catherine Lim.

I don’t remember what I said to her, but after the meeting, that someone told me Lim requested never to have anything to do with me again.

Yeah, I have that kind of effect on people.

Many Singaporeans know of Lim because they were forced to study her works in school.

Last week, I discovered that one of my old columns is being used to teach English. That’s right. Some poor kids are being forced to study me in school.

That puts me on the same literary level as Lim and – dare I say it? – William Shakespeare. Yes, I dare.

Shall I compare myself to a summer’s day? I’m more lovely and more equatorial. (That joke is for all you poetry and geography nerds.)

What happened was that on Tuesday, I was searching the web for the video of some kid named Amos Yee dissing Chinese New Year so that I could write a column about how wrong it was and I would never do such a thing.

But then I came across a WordPress blog called “2R1’s English Classroom”. It seemed that a teacher has created this blog to distribute English assignments to her students.

One of the assignments is to pick one of three selected newspaper articles about neighbours and answer questions about the article.

One of the selected articles is “How to be a good neighbour (according to HDB)” by – ahem – S M Ong.

It was a column I had written for The New Paper On Sunday in 2009, deriding an e-book created by the Housing Development Board (HDB) called My Neighbour, My Friend, It Begins With Me.

Ironically, while I usually decide what to write about in my column, that particular article was grudgingly written as an assignment given to me by The New Paper editor at the time.

I would’ve preferred to write about Glenn Ong’s love life again. But then I don’t think the deejay’s multiple marriages would’ve been selected as a topic for an English class. (But then I could be wrong.)

And now my assignment has become someone else’s assignment.

For the class assignment, the questions that the students have to answer regarding my HDB article are:

1. Do you think the author, S M Ong, is positive about the initiative launched by HDB? Why?

2. Quote from the article two phrases that back your answer in Question 1.

3. Do you agree with S M Ong’s point of view in this article? Explain your answer.

All three questions must be answered to be considered a complete answer.

In the blog, that last instruction was punctuated with a smiley face emoticon, probably to reflect the grin on my face.

The name of the school is not mentioned in the blog, but since the blog is called “2R1’s English Classroom”, I’m guessing that this assignment is for a Secondary 2 class – and not a Primary 2 class.

I know my writing is juvenile, but it’s not that juvenile.

The other two articles in the assignment are a My Paper report on a noise dispute between neigbours and an AsiaOne translation of a Lianhe Wanbao report on the Everitt Road dispute.

But my TNPS article is the only one in the assignment where the author is mentioned by name. Ahem.

And this is just one class assignment about me that I happened to come across. Who knows how many teachers out there are using me as a teaching tool (as opposed to a cautionary tale) that I'm not aware of?

See? I’m not just a pretty face. I’m educational too.

To further extend my questionable influence on the youth of Singapore, I have also been invited to speak at an event targeted at students called All In! Young Writers Media Festival at the Rendezvouz Hotel on Feb 18.

The event is organised by the National Book Development Council of Singapore.

My fellow TNPS columnist Neil Humphreys will also be there.

You know who won’t be there?

Catherine Lim.

And apparently, that Shakespeare guy isn’t available.

Speaking of The Noose, see the PowerPoint that started it all

2012-01-17T11:14:00.012+08:00

Not to take credit where it isn't due, I can truthfully say that if not for me, The Noose (currently in its fifth season on Channel 5) wouldn't have made it to air.

No Leticia the maid. No Barbarella the SPG. No International Emmy Award nomination.

Yeah, I made it all possible!

It all began in 2006 when I was still working at MediaCorp as an executive producer. I think I was working on the final season of PCK Pte Ltd at the time.

There was going to be pitching session for new programmes for Channel 5.

The producers were broken up into teams to come up with new show concepts to pitch. I was in charge of a team of three or four people, I don't remember.

I remember meeting in a small interview room at MediaCorp with my team and regretting the shoes I was wearing because they didn't go with the look I was aiming for.

Anyway, I asked my team members if they had any ideas for new shows.

One of them, Prem Anand, said he had this idea that he had pitched before and was rejected because it was deemed too politically sensitive, but he wanted to try again.

Prem is a very large guy. I once gave him a jacket I bought at Robinsons that was too big for me. I was kinda hurt he never gave me anything back. That'll teach me for not trying on clothes before buying them.

Anyway, his idea was a show called The Noose.

We discussed it. I liked the idea because I thought it could be like The Onion on TV, but I also thought it would most likely be rejected again.

Still, I decided to have the team pitch it anyway, just so that we had something to pitch.

So imagine my surprise when after we pitched The Noose, the response was quite positive. The reservation about the political sensitivity was still there, but everyone seemed to like the idea.

I didn't think it would go any further than that.

So imagine my bigger surprise when Channel 5 later commissioned a pilot.

I was even more surprised (and worried) when one day, out of the blue, I was told that I would be doing the show.

But before I did anything, just a couple of days later, I was told just as suddenly I wouldn't be doing the show after all.

Which was probably for the best. If I had done The Noose, it would be a different animal and not become the hit it is.

I resigned from MediaCorp soon after.

That, in total, was my involvement with The Noose.

But for fans for The Noose, below is the 2006 PowerPoint presentation I created for the pitch which started it all. (Remember, this was long before anyone thought of casting, Michelle Chong, etc.)

As a bonus, also included in the PowerPoint is the concept for a sitcom called My Dad's The Principal, which was my idea and was also pitched but thankfully, never produced.

I guess the moral of this story is that even if you have been rejected before, don't give up because, well, you never know. You could give Michelle Chong's career a boost.

Hey, maybe My Dad's The Principal still has a chance.

Believing The Onion is like believing The Noose

2012-01-15T11:20:00.006+08:00

This is a thank-you note.

Despite the recommended paycuts, Singaporeans still expect our ministers to accomplish big things like fixing the public transport system and preventing Orchard Road from flooding again.

But the small stuff matters too.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank a former minister for a little thing she did which made the day of an old friend of mine half way around world.

Ms Lim Hwee Hua is a former Minister in the Prime Minister's Office who was a member of the People's Action Party team that was voted out of the Aljunied GRC in last year's General Election.

Last week, I found out via Facebook that Ms Lim posted on her Facebook page a link to a news story on The Onion website headlined “Obama openly asks nation why on earth he would want to serve for another term”.

Along with the link, Ms Lim commented: “Increasingly challenging everywhere, whatever Obama’s campaign strategy might be.”

Based on her comment and a series of rather earnest comments by others on her post, it’s fair to infer that Ms Lim and some of the commenters didn’t know the Obama news story was fake. It was only about 30 comments later that they realised this.

To save face, Ms Lim posted another comment: “Indeed, it is increasingly challenging everywhere - to foster a trusting relationship between government and people, and between people and people, and to differentiate between real and not-so-real news.”

But it was too late. A screen grab of Ms Lim’s original post was circulated online and she was roundly mocked for being "clueless”.

Contrary to Ms Lim’s last comment, in this case, it was actually quite easy to “differentiate between real and not-so-real news”. When the news source is The Onion, you can safely assume it’s not-so-real news.

Just because The Onion calls itself “America’s finest news source” doesn’t mean it is.

As one of the mockers pointed out, believing The Onion is like believing The Noose is Channel NewsAsia.

But it's unfair to expect everyone to know about The Onion - even a former minister.

So what if The Onion organisation received a 2008 Peabody Award for “providing ersatz news that has a worrisome ring of truth”?

I first came across The Onion in 1989, a year after it started as a satirical newspaper in the US town of Madison, Wisconsin, where I went to college.

That was also where I met one of my Facebook friends, Todd Hanson, who now lives in New York and has been writing for The Onion for 20 years.

He also used to be a cartoonist at the college paper where I worked.

He once drew a wonderful caricature of Freddie Mercury, buck teeth and all, to illustrate a tribute I wrote for the lead singer of Queen when the rock star died in 1991.

If you want to know what Todd looks and sounds like, you can see and hear him in the trailer for the 2010 documentary The People Vs George Lucas on YouTube. He's the long-haired guy who says: “People hate Jar Jar Binks. They hate him now. People are going to look at these films in 50 years, 100 years - they’re going to hate him too.”

(Speaking of which, anyone looking forward to the theatrical re-release of Star Wars: Episode I The Phantom Menace in 3D? Now you can hate Jar Jar in three dimensions!)

Anyway, knowing that he works at The Onion, I posted on Todd’s Facebook page the screen grab of Ms Lim's post which unwittingly took The Onion article on Obama seriously.

He responded: “How funny. That seems to happen a lot with The Onion. I actually wrote the article for this headline too, so this made me feel extra good about myself. Thanks!”

You’re welcome, Todd.

But I think the person he should really be thanking is the former minister, which I shall do so now on his behalf.

Thank you, Ms Lim.

By the way, if you see Michelle Chong, the news is probably also not so real.

- Published in The New Paper, 15 January 2012

Going to the mountains for pimple cream

2012-01-11T11:29:00.007+08:00

At the end of my now controversial column about why I like Christmas better than Chinese New Year, I wrote:

"Hey, I want to make money as much as the next guy. And find a pimple cream that actually works."

A reader on Facebook, Grace Loh, instead of wondering why a man in his 40s still has acne problem, suggested that I try the Himalayan brand.

At first, I thought, "I'm not going to the Himalayas for pimple cream. I would only go as far as Bukit Batok."

And then I realised Himalayan could be the name of a brand.

This was confirmed when I went to the Guardian outlet in Lot 1 shopping centre and found skin products by a company called Himalaya Herbals.

But no pimple cream.

Then last night, imagine my joy when I spotted the Himalaya Herbals Acne-n-Pimple Cream at the Watsons outlet at Yew Yee Point.

It was $10.90 and best of all, on sale at 20 per cent off. Score!

I just hope it works. No pressure, Grace.

'God of Fortune gives as much hope as your lovely chubby Santa Claus'

2012-01-08T12:23:00.013+08:00

To recap, last year, a colleague showed my photo to a fengshui expert to read my fortune based on my face and birthdate.

Among other things, the fengshui guy said that I “can be too candid with his thoughts and words, and could offend others without realising it”.

Consequently, to remedy this, I sought to change my face (since I can’t change my birthdate) by surgically removing two facial moles.

It didn’t do me any good because after that, I still offended people without realising it.

For example, last month, after Comfort DelGro announced its taxi fare hike, I wrote a column criticising cabbies for not picking up passengers. You would think this was a pretty safe topic.

To my amazement, an offended reader actually wrote in to defend taxi drivers. And he claimed not to be a taxi driver himself. He just takes cabs “very often”.

Although to be fair to the reader, it was suggested in the column that errant cabbies should be caned. It was a joke! Okay, maybe half a joke.

But that was nothing compared to the long angry e-mail I received condemning last Sunday’s column about why I like Christmas better than Chinese New Year (CNY).

How long was the e-mail? It was longer than the column itself.

The e-mail writer said: “I am sure that we all have our own preferred festivals ...but that does not give anyone of us any right to belittle the ones that we may not prefer.”

Consider me chastened and contrite.

But I would like to address a few issues raised in the e-mail.

I said in the column that I like Christmas better than CNY because I don't have to visit relatives on Christmas Day. The writer argued that “for those who truly celebrate Christmas, they do visit friends and relatives”.

But my point was that I don’t celebrate Christmas (truly or otherwise) and I don’t visit relatives on the day - and that’s what I like about it.

I also said that Santa Claus seems less creepy than the God of Fortune.

In defence of the latter, the writer wrote: “Without going into religious issues, this God of Fortune... gives as much hope to everyone over the whole world who celebrates CNY as your lovely chubby Santa Claus...

“I would think that you should perhaps offer more respect, sensitivity and perhaps a bit of sensibility... than to use 'creepy' to describe this deity worshipped by billions.”

First, I don’t think Santa is lovely. He’s just less creepy, being a housebreaker who maybe likes children a little too much. (Please, Santa worshippers, don’t write in to complain.)

Second, I apologise. My mistake was that I thought God of Fortune was a mythological figure like Thor, the Thunder God, who pines for Natalie Portman; Zeus, ruler of the Olympian gods, who gets to say “Release the Kraken!”; and of course, Santa Claus. (Yes, Virginia, Santa is a myth.)

All I know about the God of Fortune is that there will be a giant cartoon figure of him throwing out shiny stuff at the River Hongbao every year.

Oh, and some guy dressed up as the God of Fortune at last year’s The New Paper Big Walk. Now he looked creepy.

I also pointed out facetiously though accurately in the column that bak kwa is more expensive during CNY.

The writer countered: “Isn’t this how the commercial world works now? Have you tried campaigning for cheaper roses during Valentine’s Day?"

But I’m not campaigning for or against anything. It’s not like I’m demonstrating at Hong Lim Park for the CEO of Chinese New Year to resign.

I’m just trying to write a funny column without offending (too many) people (that much).

The juggernaut that is CNY will survive my little jibes, me, my children and my children’s great-great-grandchildren with nary a scratch.

While I imagined myself as giving voice to the captive minority like me who feel besieged by the trappings of CNY, I realise now that the underlying message of intolerance is wrong and should not be... uh, tolerated.

Well, I have one more mole on my face I can get rid off.

- Published in The New Paper, 8 January 2012

READ THE LONG ANGRY E-MAIL IN FULL

Hi Mr Ong

may I offer a suggestion if you want to change your features. Get rid of the facial hair and you'll be surprised by the results.

Like Luis Suarez say, in my country its ok to call a person *****. The lesson here is to be sensitive. We live in a multi cultural country. Tolerance tolerance tolerance.

Rajah

Hi SM Ong

I'm an regular reader of your Sunday column, in fact it's one of the sections I look forward to when I flip open the New Paper on sunday:)

For one, I'm also a Yew Tee resident (which my friends and i affectionately call it the Yew Tee village simply 'cos there's just way too many ppl in one concentrated area served by only 1 bus) and i'm one of those who prefer X'mas to CNY (by a long shot) given any year.

The email writer u mentioned in your column today was obviously looking at the wrong places if he/she is looking for views that take into account all the sensitivity and sensibility of every possible person on this planet.

I appreciate that you 'say it as it is' and that not all views that come to print must be 'correct', politically, socially or otherwise. Kudos to that!

Looking forward to your columns... :)

Regards
Evonne

Hi Mr SM Ong,

I was really tickled by your column on Sun 8 Jan. It was truly a glib comeback in response to the letter-writer who felt you were insensitive in dissing Chinese New Year. You had, with one fell swoop, adroitly turned the irate letter into fodder for your new column!

Yours is, after all, as you rightly asserted, "a funny column" intended to provide comic relief and perhaps make a wry dig at how we Singaporeans observe certain customs and practices.

I for one share your sentiment about the discordant "tong, tong tong chiang" of Chinese New Year ditties with their over-materialistic lyrics of making more money in the coming year. That however doesn't mean I am against the spirit of celebrating the lunar new year per se.

Santa Claus and the God of Fortune signify different things to different people and should remain so. Non-Taoists who do not worship Cai Shen should moreover be allowed the liberty not to venerate the deity in the same way as believers do.

I believe most readers did not take umbrage at your facetious comparisons between Christmas and CNY and know for a fact that your comments are not the rantings of a bigot.

Do keep those laugh-out-loud articles coming and leave that additional mole of yours alone...your contrition is superfluous.

Regards,
marietta koh

'Insensitive and bigoted' about Chinese New Year?

2012-01-04T00:49:00.014+08:00

Wow. I just received a long e-mail condemning my last column about why I like Christmas better than Chinese New Year.

Did I really go too far this time?

Dear SM Ong,

I refer to the subject article written by you and published on the 1st of January 2012 in The New Paper on Sunday under the 'Humour' section.

I was actually expecting a light-hearted article to bring me into 2012 but unfortunately, I finished the article with aghast at how insensitive and bigoted you are writing this article.

Instead of an article singing the praise of the Christmas spirit to bring insight into why you love Christmas so much, it reads more like an article 'Why I hate Chinese New Year'.

Even if you do hate it, which I assume you do based on the choice of words you use, it does not give you a fraction of any rights to belittle a day celebrated by billions around the world.

I believe many will feel the same if I said the same as what you did for other festivals such as Hari Raya or Deepavali for that matter.

I am sure that we all have our own preferred festivals in our modern cosmopolitan society but that does not give anyone of us any right to belittle the ones that we may not prefer, especially in a national newspaper that has a considerable following here.

I do not know what may have traumatised you to detest Chinese New Year so much but you definitely do not have to bring this into a public newspaper.

1) I believe that for those who truly celebrate Christmas, they do visit friends and relatives as well. A lot of expats I know personally take this chance to fly home to be with close ones during this period of Christmas celebrations.

Locally, families and closed ones do visit another for turkey and Christmas goodies as well. Lousy reason you have there.

2) The colours of CNY may not be your kind of colours but this to me is the colour of the Chinese New Year which I happily celebrate every year. It brings the whole feel of CNY around the country and it is very rude and insensitive of you to describe it as tasteless, garish.

3) My dad prefers the dong dong chiang over the silent night that you probably prefer. But I don't hear my dad whining to the whole world about his preference because he respects the festivities of others as well.

4) God of Fortune creepy? Dear Mr. Ong, may I remind you that we had some uproar over here with insensitivities over religious issues and here you go stirring again.

Without going into religious issues, this God of Fortune over here that we are talking about gives as much hope to everyone over the whole world who celebrates CNY as your lovely chubby Santa Claus.

Till the day you are able to offer half as much hope to my little boy at home, I would think that you should perhaps offer more respect, sensitiviy and perhaps a bit of sensibility given the structure of our multicultural society , than to use the 'creepy' to describe this deity worshipped by billions.

5) Bak Kwa more expensive during CNY? Isn't this the commercial world works now? Have you tried campaigning for cheaper roses during Valentine's day?

I have also never seen turkeys flying off the shelves other than during Xmas, and my, they ain't that cheap either considering no one even have them on their dinner table other than the turkey hams.

6) Great for you that you manage to find better discounts during Xmas but I don't think that should be something will come out from someone who's supposed to be intellectual to be published in a national newspaper?

7) Shopping for Xmas presents is definitely fun but it doesn't have to make shopping for the new clothes and shoes any less fun or at least enjoyable.

In any case, I do know of a number of people who finds Xmas shopping a chore as they are just obliged to do it because of some parties that they feel obligated to attend to. Which is something like your point 1.

8) Have you ever been toasted good health and good wealth during Xmas or New Year? I am not the greatest bilinguist around but I would think that they mean the same with shen ti jian kang & gong xi fa cai.

May all your wishes come true = xin siang shi cheng? No?

It's not Chinese New Year's fault that Singapore Pools should decide to hold the annual 10 million draw during CNY and not during Xmas.

While we are all welcoming the arrival of the Spring Festival, aka Chinese New Year, I sincerely hope that you will help to promote this festive period for us Chinese.

You may prefer the Xmas for reasons of your own but I hope that you realise that CNY does bring a lot of joy to others as well who celebrates it.

The folks who await this festive season once a year, just like how you may anticipate Xmas, do not deserve to have someone degrade, humiliate and insult their share of festive joys.

The creepy God of Fortune, 'Garish' definitely sound like choices of words used for the purpose.

Lee Ker Shiun

MY RESPONSE

Why I like Christmas better than Chinese New Year

2012-01-01T09:00:00.018+08:00

It’s New Year's Day already? I guess this means Christmas must really be over.

Yet I’m still seeing Christmas trees around town. (At least I don’t see the Singapore flag hanging outside my neighbour’s window anymore. Majulah!) Other places are already awash with red for Chinese New Year (CNY).

Last Tuesday when I was at the NTUC FairPrice outlet at Yew Tee to buy mangosteen juice, extra soft toilet paper and pimple cream, the supermarket was still decked with faux boughs of holly.

But instead of Yuletide music like, say, Deck The Halls, I heard something in Mandarin that sounded like a CNY song playing over the store's public address system.

I was so thrown off by the visual-audio dissonance that I almost bought mango juice instead of mangosteen juice by mistake. The horror.

Merry Christmas! No, gong xi fa cai!

Make up your mind! Co-ordinate much?

Talk about culture clash. Blame it on the two holidays being only a month apart this time round.

If given the choice, I would extend Christmas and hold off CNY for as long as possible.

Why? Here are a few reasons I prefer Christmas to CNY even though I’m an atheist and Chinese:

1. I don’t have to visit my relatives on Christmas day. Not that I mind my relatives that much (love ya, Ah Ma!), but dragging my family to three different relatives’ homes in one day is about as appealing as a long walk though a dark MRT train tunnel.

2. All the red and gold decorations during CNY are kind of garish. And so cheena.

3. Three words: tong tong chiang.

CNY music is much, much, much more annoying than Christmas music. Way too many drum solos. If I want a drum solo, I’d listen to the live version of In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida and I’m not going to do that.

Christmas music also has more variety, from the cynicism of Tom Waits’ Christmas Card From A Hooker In Minneapolis to, uh, the cynicism of Weird Al Yankovic’s The Night Santa Went Crazy.

CNY music could use a Silent Night or two. It’s safe to say Michael Buble won't be making a CNY album anytime soon.

4. Santa Claus seems less creepy than this God of Fortune character even though the latter doesn’t get children to sit on his lap.

5. Bak kwa is more expensive during CNY.

6. I can find bigger discounts at a Christmas sale than at a CNY sale.

7. Shopping for Christmas presents is more fun than queueing for new notes at the bank. Wrapping Christmas presents is more fun than stuffing cash into red packets. (On the other hand, receiving cash is more fun than, well, anything.)

8. While many decry the commercialisation of Christmas - even the Pope urged people “to see through the superficial glitter" - CNY is inherently a celebration of the superficial glitter.

It's about new clothes, new shoes and yes, new notes.

My Chinese language sucks, but I think when you say “gong xi fa cai”, you’re basically wishing that someone makes a lot of money, not that there’s anything wrong with that.

But if the love of money is the root of all evil, then CNY is a major root that sprouts annually.

There’s a reason Toto holds a $10 Million Hongbao Draw and not a $10 Million Christmas Draw.

It’s the same reason there isn’t a Glee version of a song called Do They Know It's Chinese New Year? to help the starving children in Africa.

Okay, that’s it.

I will stop at eight reasons because the Chinese word for “eight” sounds like the Chinese word for “fortune”.

Hey, I want to make money as much as the next guy. And find a pimple cream that actually works.

- Published in The New Paper, 1 January 2012

Hi there,

how much do you know the history and origin of GOF and CNY?

As a Chinese, GOF is creepy? You are insulting the a taoism God n taoist/chinese culture.

People might write a complain to Singapore Taoism Association!

Pls be sensitive in yr words. And furthermore it came from a Chinese like yourself!

Hi!

Just wanna let you know that your articles really crack me up, they're so easy, interesting and fun(ny) to read :)

Haha happy new year!

Eileen

MORE MAIL

Act blur, live longer?

2011-12-25T00:27:00.004+08:00

Spotted at VivoCity on Christmas Eve.

My daughter and I at VivoCity helping to sell my wife's bags.

Merry Christmas!

Orchard Road flood deja vu

2011-12-23T22:01:00.008+08:00

Wendy's at Liat Towers flooded again today. Sorry, not "flooded". I mean ponding.

Wendy's at Liat Towers flooded in June 2010.

Did someone refuse Joanne Peh water again?

Santa, U Are The One - Super Junior

2011-12-21T01:38:00.005+08:00

Merry Christmas shopping and look out for my fat guy.

(As in the one in Super Junior, not the one in the red suit.)

He makes me happy.

LYRICS

[Kyuhyun] You come around to every child in the world
[Siwon] Always on time you’re never late, every year
[Ryeowook] How does it feel to work, everyone’s off, no one to help you
[Sungmin] How do you reach us all, it’s for sure, no one does it better

[Leeteuk] Christmas is finally here
It’s time to celebrate
[Eunhyuk] ‘cause you make a better world, year after year
[All] Soon you’ll be on your way
Spreading joy everywhere
There’s no one like you
[Sungmin] Santa, you are the one

[Donghae] You creep down the chimneys at night, that’s right
[Kyuhyun] And you always know who has been naughty or nice
[Henry] How does it feel to work, everyone’s off, no one to help you
[Yesung] How do you reach us all, it’s for sure, no one does it better

[Zhoumi] Christmas is finally here
It’s time to celebrate
[Shindong] ‘cause you make a better world, year after year
[All] Soon you’ll be on your way
Spreading joy everywhere
There’s no one like you
Santa, you are the one

[All] Thank you Santa, thank you ( [Donghae] you are the one)
Don’t go Santa, don’t go ( [Eunhyuk] you are the one)
Thank you Santa, thank you ( [Leeteuk] you are the one)
Don’t go Santa, don’t go

[Ryeowook] I hope you enjoy this song
[Yesung] It’s a gift from everyone
[Kyuhyun] Thank you for all that you have done

[Siwon] Christmas is finally here
It’s time to celebrate
[Yesung] ‘cause you make a better world, year after year
[All] Soon you’ll be on your way
Spreading joy everywhere
There’s no one like you
Santa, you are the one ([Leeteuk] Santa, you are the one~)

[All] Christmas is finally here
It’s time to celebrate
‘cause you make a better world, year after year ( [Kyuhyun] year after
year)
Soon you’ll be on your way ([Kyuhyun] on your way)
Spreading joy everywhere
There’s no one like you ( [Ryeowook] no one)
Santa, you are the one

[Ryeowook] You are the one
Santa, you are the one
[Yesung] You are the one
Santa, you are the one

[All] You are the one
I said, you are the one

Do you hear what I hear? Is the MRT train falling apart?

2011-12-18T10:25:00.012+08:00

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to take the MRT train from Yishun to Yew Tee.

As always, should you or any of your family be delayed or killed, SMRT will disavow any knowledge of your existence.

It may not sound like much of a mission - until the train you’re on seems like it’s about self-destruct in five seconds.

That was what happened on Thursday evening after I took my kids to see Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol at GV Yishun.

While waiting for the train home on the crowded Yishun platform during the evening rush hour, I half-heard a pre-recorded announcement about a one-hour delay for trains headed for Jurong East due to a track fault.

I didn’t know whether to be impressed that there was a pre-recorded announcement or be dismayed that one-hour train delays occurred often enough that there was a pre-recorded announcement.

How could SMRT have another service disruption less than 48 hours after the Circle Line breakdown? Could the publicly-held train operator be so inept?

Just then, the train headed for Jurong East arrived, which confused me. I thought there was going to be a one-hour delay. Did I mishear the announcement?

I hesitated for a moment, but people were getting on the train as if nothing was wrong and so my two kids and I followed suit.

I mean, what was the worst that could happen?

Once on the train, I quickly checked my Twitter feed on my iPhone for news about a another possible MRT breakdown.

At the time, the closest thing I found was a tweet that said, “Just heard: all commuters chased out of #SMRT City Hall station. No alternative transport. No explanation.”

That sounded serious, but City Hall was about a dozen train stations away in the opposite direction, so I figured we were safe.

I relaxed a little. After the Woodlands station, the kids and I even found seats in the last car of the train and I was playing Angry Birds’ new Birdday Party levels on my iPhone when suddenly, there was a loud clanging.

Then it stopped. It sounded like the train had hit a piece of metal on the tracks.

The passengers looked at each other, silently asking, “What the hell was that?"

But the train was still speeding along unabated and so we thought (or hoped) it was nothing.

Just before reaching Yew Tee station, there was another clanging sound. This time, it was louder and lasted longer.

Now people were starting to panic. Were we all going to die?

As the train arrived at the station and slowed down to a stop, our train car rattled with an ungodly roar that sounded like it was about to fall apart.

When the train doors opened, most of the passengers (including me and the kids) rushed out as if our lives depended on it.

The few who remained behind looked confused as to why people were suddenly fleeing the train.

Maybe those few had their headphones on. Or maybe they were waiting for an official announcement to evacuate.

Fortunately, it was my stop anyway, but for many of the passengers who alighted from the same car as us, it wasn’t theirs. As I headed for the escalator, they were nervously waiting for the next train.

Curiously, only the last car, which we were in, was almost deserted as the train left the Yew Tee station. The rest of the train seemed unaffected.

When I reached home, I searched the Internet for news about an MRT train disintegrating on its way to Jurong East. What I found out instead was worse (or not as bad, depending on how you look at it).

That was, of course, the night of The Great MRT Breakdown of 2011.

Four trains north-bound had stalled between Braddell and City Hall stations after being damaged by a faulty power rail.

Now I wonder if the train that my kids and I were on was also damaged, which would explain the horrific noises.

Yesterday, the north-south line was disrupted again.

Not a good week for commuters.

It had started with a taxi fare hike despite taxi operators failing to meet service standards. Then came news of the SBS bus driver who got lost for two hours. Then came three epic MRT fails in four days.

Even the Prime Minister called for a public inquiry.

Looks like fixing our “world-class” public transport system is going to be a - yes, I’m saying it - mission: impossible.

Tom Cruise for Transport Minister!

- Published in The New Paper, 18 December 2011

How taxis are turning us into zombies after midnight

2011-12-11T02:36:00.018+08:00

A zombie apocalypse in Singapore? At least, that was how my wife described it.

It happened on the night of Nov 11 - yes, 11.11.11. Oooh, spooky.

It was past midnight (which technically made it Nov 12, but let’s not pick nits).

She had just left the Red Dot Design Museum (formerly the Traffic Police building) on Maxwell Road with my teenage son and was unsuccessfully looking for a taxi to take them home.

As she wrote in her blog: “We walked further away from the museum...Then we came to a road where there were lots of taxis with the green light on. We were so happy and so were the groups of people with us.

“And the stupidest thing happened. NONE of the freaking taxis would stop.

“They just zoomed past us and after a while, I realised that the taxis were just going round and round, not picking up passengers. I could recognise some of the taxis."

Frustrated, she complained on her blog: “There ought to be a law against taxis not picking up passengers, Mr Transport Minister! Like caning or something.”

Her ordeal continued: “So we walked once more. The streets were really deserted save for us, the walkers.

“It was like a scene from the TV show The Walking Dead. The taxis were the humans running away from us.”

How’s that for a twist? My wife and son were the zombies! Along with all the other people who couldn't get a taxi. (M Night Shyamalan must be so jealous.)

If only I could be there with a shotgun and put them out of their misery. Don’t worry, I know to aim for the head.

They would probably thank me for it. Anything is better than the existential frustration of yet another empty taxi going past you as if you weren’t even there despite your frantic waving.

Because of how late it was, my wife and son didn’t have the option of taking the bus or the MRT. She tried using her mobile phone to book a cab but couldn’t get through.

The prospect of spending the night sleeping in the streets like a homeless person loomed larger with each passing cab.

How did a supposedly First World country with a “world-class” public transport system come to this?

And now ComfortDelGro is raising its taxi fares?

It’s enough to turn you into Quan Yifeng.

Last month, the TV host pleaded guilty to “committing mischief” last year in a dispute with a taxi driver where she pulled out the taxi fare meter and spilled water on the receipt printer

Who knew she was pre-emptively acting out against the taxi fare hike for the rest of us?

Quan Yifeng, folk hero … or martyr?

The thing is, no matter how angry you get at the cabbies for not picking you up during the zombie apocalypse, when one finally does, you’re just so grateful to him for saving your life.

After an hour of wandering the streets like the undead, my wife and son eventually found a taxi to take them home because the driver was changing shift and heading in the direction that they wanted to go.

In the cab, the driver explained matter-of-factly to my wife that it’s almost impossible to flag down a taxi after midnight in the area because the cabbies are waiting for bookings.

That was when my wife bit a chunk out of his neck and turned the cabbie into The Driving Dead.

Nah, I’m kidding. My wife just protested feebly and the driver just shrugged.

“It’s like that one,” he said.

Where was Quan Yifeng when you needed her?

- Published in The New Paper, 11 December 2011

Dear Mr. Ong,

I read your article.

Sincerely I wish there is a printing error on what you wrote "Frustrated, she complained on her blog, 'There ought to be a law against taxis not picking up passengers, Mr Transport Minister! Like CANING or something.'"

To cane a taxi driver for not picking up passenger? If your wife's wish really come true, I wonder who dare to be a taxi driver.

By then, what complaint will your wife make again? Mr Transport Minister, make all male Singaporean to join Taxi companies after they complete their National Service?

Why can't she just use her handphone and on call for a taxi? It's just $2.50 or more (could be more), isn't this what we call we pay more for better service? [SM: Actually, I did mention in the article that my wife tried to call for a cab, but couldn't get through.]

It is not easy being a taxi driver now, high rental, expensive petrol, road traffic condition and the worst, facing our very educated and love complaints Singaporeans.

Not all taxi drivers are bad, just as not all Singaporean love complaints. I just wish we can really understand them more and knowing their difficulties in making a living.

Give them some breathing space, tell your wife I tell her this.

Sincerely,
eric

Hi,

I believe that Mrs Ong did not mean that seriously. However, she does bring up a valid point.

I will bet that a lot of us have experienced that taxi blissfully whisking by even though it is unoccupied despite every futile attempt to flag it down.

It is very frustrating and I sometimes think that the taxi driver did it on purpose.

I have sat in taxis that drops me off at a condo I live in where the taxi driver blatantly tells me he doesn't want to pick up any more passengers and promptly turns on his "on call" sign as he pulls up in front of the taxi queue to drop me off.

I can tell you that he had definitely had not responded to a call. And it was way after the usual taxi shift change time.

More stringent measures must be taken against such taxi drivers. Just suspend their taxi driver license for one week and if they continue to be recalcitrant - a 2-week suspension on the second occurrence. On a third occurrence - remove his license permanently.

Matthew

Why Korean pop group Super Junior is bigger than the Beatles

2011-12-04T01:10:00.019+08:00

So did you catch the Mnet Asian Music Awards (Mama) on Channel U last week? It was held at the Singapore Indoor Stadium on Tuesday night.

I’m not a fan of Korean pop, but I think K-pop group Super Junior, who won the awards for Best Male Group, Album Of The Year and Singapore’s Choice, is the greatest boy band in the world ever.

Yes, even bigger than the Beatles.

I mean, literally.

The Beatles were only four people. Super Junior at one point had as many as 13 members, which mathematically made Super Junior more than three times bigger than the Fab Four.

Take that, John, Paul, Ringo and George! (Speaking of which, Take That is also bigger than the Beatles, but only when Robbie Williams is in the group.)

When I first saw a Super Junior video, I thought it was meant as a spoof of boy bands. I mean come on, why would a band need 13 members?

Who do Super Junior think they are? Earth, Wind And Fire? (If you were over 40, that reference would be hilarious.)

Thirteen is the number of people you need to form a football team with two reserve players.

Thirteen is the number of colleagues Glenn Ong will marry and divorce.

Thirteen is the number of people who will read this column.

But 13 people in Super Junior?

That’s not a boy band. That's someone taking the product development strategy of Gillette razors (the more blades the better), stretching it to the illogical extreme (why stop at mere five blades when you can have 13 in a razor?) and applying it to boy bands.

It’s as if South Korea is thumbing its nose at the West, saying: “You think you’re so cool with your Backstreet Boys and Westlife? Well, we have a boy band with 13 members! Top that, bi-atch!”

Disappointingly, only nine members of Super Junior performed at the Mama show on Tuesday.

At least, my favourite member was there. His name is Shindong, but I just call him “the fat guy”.

He's another reason Super Junior is superior to any boy band out there. What other boy band you know has a fat guy in it?

And he barely sings! He just mostly dances and raps.

He’s my favourite because all the other band members look the same to me. But I can always spot Shindong because, well, he’s the fat guy (although he’s not as fat as he used to be).

An inspiration to chubbies all over the world, he’s proof that you don’t have to be a skinny pretty boy (or sing) to be in a boy band (but only if that boy band can have as many as 13 members).

Apart from looking out for the fat guy in Super Junior, I had another more personal reason for tuning into the Mama show last week - my sister was on it.

Except you couldn’t actually see her. And you could also barely hear her. She was the tired-sounding woman off-camera providing the Mandarin translation for the Korean banter on the show.

I don’t blame her for sounding tired. The live telecast was six grueling hours long. To be honest, even I turned it off after watching my fat guy perform.

My mother was watching for my sister and I tried to get my mum to appreciate the awesomeness of the fat guy’s performance, but she kept asking where each performer and presenter was from. I said most of them were from Korea (well, except for Snoop Dogg, but I hope she figured that out).

Then how could they call it the Mnet “Asian” Music Awards, she complained, when the focus was on Koreans.

Yes, my mama had a point about Mama.

But then I’m used to things being called “Asian” even though their focus is clearly on only one country. We have Channel NewsAsia and AsiaOne. Apparently, Malaysia is “truly Asia”.

“Look at the fat guy, Ma. He’s dancing! How awesome is that?”

But it wasn’t Asian music, she insisted. It was just Korean.

Trust my mama to even ruin Mama for me.

To console myself, I’m going to look for Super Junior videos on YouTube.

Look at the fat guy. He’s dancing! How awesome is that? He makes me happy.

Bigger than the Beatles? I think he ate them.

- Published in The New Paper, 4 December 2011

Will Thanksgiving (or Black Friday) be as big as Halloween in Singapore?

2011-11-27T11:14:00.017+08:00

A month ago in this column, I suggested as a joke that since Singaporeans are already celebrating Halloween, we might as well celebrate other American holidays like Thanksgiving which was on Thursday.

At least, I thought I was joking (whether I’m actually funny is irrelevant).

It turned out I was prescient.

Because just over two weeks later, I saw in The Straits Times an ad by local supermarket chain FairPrice Finest with the headline: “Joyful feasting this Thanksgiving”.

Okay, a couple of things.

If I ask my wife for some “joyful feasting” tonight, she would probably say she has a headache.

Another thing is that I think this is the first time I’ve seen an Thanksgiving ad in Singapore.

Sure, it was only one ad and I assume it was just targeted at Americans living here, but this is how it starts. This must be how Halloween first gained a foothold on our formerly devil worship-free island years ago.

Before you know it, local netizens will be calling for the resignation of the CEO of Wildlife Reserves Singapore after she replaces Thanksgiving Turkey Day at Jurong Bird Park with some Deepavali event.

Maybe President Tony Tan Keng Yam will pardon a turkey at the Istana. Maybe Singaporeans will start watching American football.

Okay, now I’m just being ridiculous, I know.

I mean how can I expect Singaporeans to care about a sport played by teams in a country practically half way around the world from us?

(Oh, by the way, how’s Man U doing this season?)

But American football and presidential turkey pardons notwithstanding, I believe that Thanksgiving’s insidious takeover of Singapore is imminent and inescapable, thanks to our fixation with American entertainment and its accessibility through the Internet.

So to get ahead of the game, I decided to practise celebrating Thanksgiving this year by listing what I’m thankful for – and what I’m not thankful for.

For a start, I’m not thankful that Thanksgiving Day was also PSLE Resultsgiving Day.

But I’m thankful that my daughter’s results were good enough to get her into the Express stream.

I am not thankful that my 12-year-old daughter is now getting hooked the Twilight book series.

But I’m thankful that the latest Twilight movie, Breaking Dawn Part 1, is rated PG13, so that my daughter is too young to see it and be spared the vampire sex scene.

I’m also thankful that Sitex is back this weekend, so that I can get a good deal on a new hard drive to replace yet another hard drive that broke down which I bought at Comex earlier this year. Or was it at the IT Show? Maybe it was the PC Show...

But I’m not thankful Sitex is held at Singapore Expo, which is a long way from my home in Choa Chu Kang. Maybe I’ll shop for a new hard drive online.

Which brings me to what I’m thankful for most of all – Black Friday.

Not named after how some 12-year-olds and their parents felt the day after getting disappointing PSLE results, Black Friday is the day after Thanksgiving when the Christmas shopping season kicks off in the US in earnest.

Ironically, even though Singaporeans don’t care much about Thanksgiving (yet), Black Friday is another matter, thanks to the Internet (again) and the universal appeal of getting something at a discount.

Last week, I saw ads by local companies such as vPost and comGateway promoting Black Friday deals. It’s like the US version of The Great Singapore Sale crammed into a single day with the convenience of online shopping for Singaporeans (thus avoiding getting pepper sprayed).

If you missed Black Friday, don’t worry. Just be thankful for Cyber Monday tomorrow.

So you’ll still have a chance to “feast” on more good deals. Just don’t tell the wife.

- Published in The New Paper, 27 November 2011

Phew! The Great McDonald’s Curry Sauce Crisis of 2011 averted

2011-11-20T10:15:00.007+08:00

So McDonald’s stops providing a condiment and the Internet gets into an uproar. Why does it feel like déjà vu all over again?

Let me take you back to 2008.

That was the year when Mas Selamat Kastari managed to disappear and be everywhere at the same time. I wanted to order a Mas Selamat hoodie at CafePress.com, but the shipping charges were just ridiculous.

That was the year when Singapore won its first Olympic medal since 1960 only to have the party ruined by she-who-must-not-be-named.

That was the year when the Grand Prix turned into grand comedy with Ferrari driver Felipe Massa’s hilarious pitstop at Singapore’s first Formula One night race. Loved that dangling hose!

That was the last year when no one heard of Lady Gaga. I miss not having heard of Lady Gaga.

And to the horror of many Singaporeans, that was also the year McDonald’s stopped providing its garlic chilli sauce, replacing it with a sweeter non-garlic chilli sauce.

Oh my gosh, the outcry! The indignation! The cyberstorm in a teacup!

It was as if Wildlife Reserves Singapore had cancelled the Halloween Horrors event.

Or someone had turned Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance into the NDP Fun Pack Song.

Or a radio show caller had told heartlanders to stay out of Holland Village.

Or a soldier was photographed with his maid carrying his backpack.

Let it not be said that Singaporeans are apathetic.

At one point during The Great McDonald’s Garlic Chilli Sauce Crisis of 2008, I counted as many as 14 Facebook groups (the largest had more than 2,500 members) demanding that McDonald's bring back the sauce. An online petition garnered as many as, uh... 20 signatures.

McDonald's response at the time? “Thank you for your feedback... We have a wide range of sauces to complement our menu items and the current chilli sauce provided is in response to meeting our customers' changing tastes.”

I for one was glad the fast food chain finally got rid of its halitosis-causing garlic chilli sauce. At last, I thought, McDonald's was responding to meet my taste.

Unfortunately, the more typical sentiment online was closer to this posting in a forum: “Get a group of friends to wear the same T-shirt that says, ‘Bring back old garlic chili!’ and sit at Mac.

“Once a few people take notice, the whole chain automatically begins. People start to take photos ‘secretly’, upload to Stomp.

"Soon media gets word, people start to voice their views openly, leading to increased awareness and voila! Mac might just bow to public pressure on this.”

Wow, this must be how the whole Occupy Wall Street thing started.

Although I don't recall any media coverage of The Great McDonald's Garlic Chilli Sauce Crisis of 2008, the company apparently must have bowed to pressure of some sort because by the middle of 2009, the garlic chilli sauce was back.

Singapore rejoiced. Now that the crisis was resolved, we could get on with our lives and focus on watching Lady Gaga videos.

It seemed everybody was happy - except me. So I wrote to McDonald's for an explanation.

This was the company's reply: “We recently re-introduced garlic chilli sauce at all our restaurants in response to strong customer preference, and have since received extremely favourable feedback.”

Oh well, I guessed I could live with the garlic chilli sauce - as long as I had the option of getting the curry sauce for my fries (although officially, the curry sauce is meant for the McNuggets).

But even that threatened to change when McDonald's ran out of the curry sauce last weekend. Netizens were outraged. It was like The Great Garlic Chilli Sauce Crisis of 2008 redux.

But last week, McDonald’s moved quickly to avert The Great Curry Sauce Crisis of 2011 by apologising and reassuring Singaporeans that the shortage was only temporary.

This time, it even got some media coverage. And no one had to wear any “Bring back curry sauce” T-shirts.

Meanwhile, I guess the barbecue and the sweet and sour sauces are okay too. And there’s always ketchup.

Just keep the garlic chilli sauce away from me!

You know what? To console myself, I think I'll get the Mas Selamat hoodie after all.

- Published in The New Paper, 20 November 2011

UPDATE: It's back but different.

Will you marry me? (And stay married for more than 72 days?)

2011-11-13T11:30:00.004+08:00

When I heard about the guy who proposed to his girlfriend at The New Paper Big Walk last week in front of thousands of other Big Walkers at Resorts World Sentosa, my first thought was: “Spoil market!”

There was also this Malaysian guy who proposed to his girlfriend with a fake Groupon ad online.

And then there was this other guy in Thailand who trained his elephant to write “Will you marry me?” in the sand with its trunk, but the careless quadruped misspelled “marry” as “carry”, causing much hilarity among the girlfriend, zoo visitors and more literate animals.

Okay, I made the last one up, but what’s with these guys making a big production out of popping the big question?

They’re just making it more difficult for the rest of us. Now our girlfriends will have more reasons not to be satisfied with a simple “Let’s a book a flat together” over a greasy plate of char kway teow.

Haven’t we spoiled these women enough? Before you know it, they want extra lup cheong with the char kway teow. Give ’em 2.54cm and they’ll take 1.6km.

The thing is, although we seem to read a lot about these creative marriage proposals, newspapers don’t usually keep track of what happens to the couple afterwards.

Usually (but not always), the woman says yes to avoid embarrassing the guy because of the public nature of such proposals.

It's hard enough to reject someone - or be rejected - without it becoming a YouTube sensation.

Let’s say the woman says yes and goes through with the nuptials, we don’t know how long the marriage actually lasts.

But I suspect a creative marriage proposal - along with a big expensive wedding or an "auspicious" wedding date like 11.11.11 - does not guarantee or even improve the chances for a lasting happy marriage.

Take Kim Kardashian for instance. Her marriage to basketball player Kris Humphries lasted all of 72 days. I have eaten leftovers that lasted longer than that.

How did Humphries propose? He spelled out the words “Will you marry me?” with rose petals. That was pretty creative and romantic.

I repeat, 72 days. If only he had the elephant.

And the wedding reportedly cost US$10 million (S$13 million). I would’ve hated to have to give a hongbao for that wedding dinner.

And now that the celebrity couple have divorced, I don’t think I would’ve gotten my hongbao refunded.

Fortunately, I didn’t give any hongbao for the two local celebrity wedding dinners I attended. (Let’s say I forgot.)

The first was that of Gurmit Singh, who is still married to Melissa. So no refund would’ve been necessary.

The second was that of Mark Richmond and Vernetta Lopez, both of whom have since divorced and married other people. I doubt any of the original wedding guests got their hongbao refunded.

But at least their marriages lasted more than 72 days.

So has mine - and let me tell you, my marriage proposal didn’t involve rose petals, Groupon or Big Walk. But it did involve a big commute.

Before we were married, my wife lived near Katong and I lived on the other side of Singapore in Jurong.

After about a year of dating, she got tired of transversing the island almost on a daily basis and suggested we should get married just to cut the travelling time.

So it wasn’t so much a marriage proposal, but a suggested solution to a logistics problem. I took her suggestion under advisement and eventually agreed to its implementation. Viral videos are not made of this.

But despite the less than reality TV-worthy beginnings, my marriage still outlasted Mark Richmond and Vernetta Lopez’s - and two of Glenn Ong’s. (Touch wood.) I’m now gunning for three.

So guys, don’t be deterred by all those market spoilers.

Just be reassured that Singapore law requires you to be married for way longer than 72 days before you can file for divorce.

Skip the elephant.

- Published in The New Paper, 13 November 2011

Why I ain’t afraid of no ghost on Pulau Tekong

2011-11-06T01:53:00.007+08:00

I know Halloween is over, but let’s talk about ghosts.

Sorry, not ghosts – since there’s no such thing as ghosts – but ghost stories. There are plenty of those. Specifically, army ghost stories.

Now showing in theatres is 23:59, a new local horror movie starring Mark Lee set in Pulau Tekong army camp.

I haven’t watched it, but I bet that at some point in the movie, soldiers see ghosts in the woods.

Why does that sound so familiar?

Perhaps it’s because one of the two stories in The Ghosts Must be Crazy released in January this year was also about soldiers seeing ghosts in the woods.

Ditto one of three stories in Where Got Ghosts? in 2009.

Ditto the 2008 made-for-TV Pulau Hantu, which MediaCorp aired again on Okto only a few months ago.

It’s like a mini movie subgenre unique to Singapore, films about soldiers seeing ghosts in the woods.

I’m old enough to remember one of Channel 8’s earliest dramas, Army Series, which included a memorable episode about, yes, soldiers seeing ghosts in the woods. This was back in the early 80s.

So for almost 30 years now, Singapore soldiers have been seeing ghosts in the woods – at least in TV shows and movies.

But how often does it actually happen in real life?

I doubt that Mindef keeps track of such figures, but I do recall when I was a recruit on Pulau Tekong, I got lost in the woods quite a number of times and during all those times – even the times at night (hated that) – I never saw any ghosts.

What’s more, I was in the notorious Charlie Company of the three-door bunk fame, which I wrote about in a column two years ago.

So instead of me repeating my version of the three-door bunk story, here’s what a reader wrote in response to that column: “My uncle also told me the story, but his version was a bit different.

“He said that the bunk had three doors initially and when the recruit died (they found him with his stomach slit opened and organs arranged out nicely), they needed a place for his corpse.

“So they put his body back onto the bed where he used to sleep, which was the bunk with three doors.

“Because spirits only know of two doors... his spirit was stuck in the bunk. After the sightings and haunting, someone invited a Taoist master and he suggested locking the third door so that the spirit could leave.

“My cousin said that the padlock is still there and very rusty.”

I can testify under oath that I have seen the three-door bunk and rusty padlock, but I can’t vouch for the rest of the story.

So how did I manage not to see any ghosts during my three months in Charlie Company on Tekong despite getting lost in the woods as often as I did?

I credit my mother.

Just before I went into the army, she gave me some unexpected advice. Actually, it was more like a specific instruction, which she made me promise to follow.

She told me that before peeing in the woods, I must always first apologise to the person who might be buried at the spot where I’m peeing.

Okay, a couple of things.

First, I found it awkward to be discussing urination with my mother. Yes, I know she used to change my diapers, but I was much, much, much shorter then.

Second, why did she assume that I would be peeing in the woods? Being extremely shy, I would be more likely hold it until I return to civilisation.

I would’ve felt more reassured if her advice was “If you ever feel the need to pee in the woods, don’t. People may see you.”

Also, since the woods is vast enough for me to get lost in, what are the chances of me peeing at the exact spot where someone is buried?

Why would people be buried in the woods anyway? I believe we have cemeteries for that.

And since people buried in the woods are probably dead, I didn’t think they would notice being urinated on or hear my apology.

But a promise is a promise.

I did as my mother instructed and thus avoided pissing off any spirits (so to speak).

Instead, I’m haunted by too many local movies about soldiers seeing ghosts in the woods.

How about a horror movie about Bedok Reservoir?

Oooooh...spooky...

I want my mummy.

- Published in The New Paper, 6 November 2011

A Halloween treat for Phua Chu Kang fans

2011-10-31T11:08:00.011+08:00

An episode written by me where Rosie thinks Margaret is turning into a vampire. It climaxes with the funniest scene I've ever written involving Unchained Melody.

The Ally McBeal reference in the first scene dates it terribly. By the way, it was the highest rated PCK episode ever.

Why Deepavali is better than Halloween (but not Independence Day)

2011-10-30T11:37:00.017+08:00

Deepavali versus Halloween?

How did we come to this?

I remember a time when Halloween was like Thanksgiving and Independence Day – US holidays familiar to Singaporeans mostly as plot devices in Hollywood movies and TV shows.

But in recent weeks, some grumbled about seeing more decorations in Singapore for Halloween (which is tomorrow) than Deepavali (which was on Wednesday).

Halloween detractors regard the foreign holiday as an interloper, encroaching on the celebrations of a long-standing local holiday.

Halloween-themed events are being held around Singapore with at least two on Sentosa alone – Universal Studios’ Halloween Horror Nights and the Sentosa Leisure Group’s Sentosa Spooktacular.

Why the sudden fervor for all things mock scary?

I blame Wildlife Reserves Singapore (WRS).

By abruptly deciding to replace the popular Halloween Horrors event at Night Safari with a Deepavali-themed line-up, WRS unwittingly turned Halloween into the wronged underdog and Deepavali the unwelcomed interloper.

The irony is that in its clumsy rush to promote Deepavali, I fear WRS might have inadvertently diminished the holiday instead.

This is why I now feel the need to remind people why Deepavali is better than Halloween:

1. Deepavali is an actual public holiday – as in you get a day off from work or school. Halloween is not, even in the US.

2. Deepavali is the festival of lights. Halloween is the festival of black and orange.

3. I don’t like pumpkin.

4. Three words: no devil worshipping.

5. For Halloween, we get horror movie sequels like Paranormal Activity 3. For Deepavali, we get Ra One, reportedly India's most expensive blockbuster ever, starring Shah Rukh Khan as a Bollywood superhero.

I repeat, a Bollywood superhero. To quote Stan Lee, ’nuff said.

Unfortunately, despite the misgivings, I expect Halloween to get even more popular in Singapore in coming years.

Fortunately, Deepavali will be on Nov 13 next year, so no more Deepavali versus Halloween.

Unfortunately, in place of Deepavali, Hari Raya Haji takes over the Oct 26 date next year, so it will be Raya versus Halloween instead.

So a year from now, will my column be about how Hari Raya Haji is better than Halloween?

Aiyah, you know what I’m thinking? Why stop at just Halloween?

Since Singaporeans are already celebrating one US holiday, we might as well celebrate them all.

Here are a few to start:

Thanksgiving

This is probably the most important holiday for Americans apart from Christmas. But I don't think it will catch on with Singaporeans because it involves a lot of travelling, eating turkey and watching American football. (Go, Packers!)

Groundhog Day

This is the day when you wake up and it's the same day as yesterday.

Independence Day

Also known as the Fourth of July, this is no longer just an American holiday, thanks to Will Smith, Jeff Goldblum and US President Bill Pullman.

This was the day the world declared in one voice: “We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today, we celebrate our Independence Day!”

And then we beat the aliens.

I’m sorry, but even Deepavali – or Shah Rukh Khan – can’t top that.

- Published in The New Paper, 30 October 2011

Very funny and enjoyable article. Really made my day. I was at Clarke Quay last night and somehow Halloween has become a costume party. With superman, princesses and prince charmings, playboy bunnies sexy busty policewomen, topless cowboys and clowns. Heehee.

Janice

Hair-raising mole mail just in time for Halloween

2011-10-23T10:47:00.002+08:00

I’ve got mail!

And not the usual “You’re so sexy and talented” fan mail. These e-mails are only slightly less disturbing. Just in time for Halloween too.

I received them after last week’s column about how I ended up removing one of the three moles on the face - the Ber-mole-da Triangle - because of something a fengshui expert said.

The mole that I amputated was on my lower left cheek and had two strands of hair growing out of it.

I still have that mole in a plastic container in my refrigerator so that I can pay my respects every time I open the fridge door to get my Marigold Peel Fresh Mangosteen Mixed Fruit Juice with no sugar added.

(You too can get your product placement here. Just write to smong@ymail.com to get rates.)

I mentioned in the column that the hairs on the mole are still intact.

A reader wrote: “Try keeping the amputated mole for a few months and see if the hair continues to grow. Wouldn't that be insanely creepy?”

Thank you for the suggestion.

In fact, I plan to keep the mole for not just a few months, but for many years so that I can show it to my grandchildren and give them nightmares to remember me by after I’m dead and cremated, possibly with the amputated mole.

“Remember when crazy Ah Kong showed us that fossilised mole he kept in his fridge? Eeeeee! I couldn’t sleep for weeks after that. I could still see the hair!”

And yes, it would be insanely creepy if the hair continues to grow.

Now there’s an idea for a Halloween costume - a human-size amputated mole with still-growing hair.

Don’t worry. You won’t hurt my feelings if you’re still going as Lady Gaga.

But you know what would be creepier than if the hair continues to grow? If a whole other me grew out of that amputated mole.

We would probably end up fighting over the mangosteen juice. I don’t like to share.

Though it would be nice to have someone else take the kids to tuition.

Actually, my bigger concern is that hair would continue to grow from the spot on my face where the mole used to be. I have enough stray hairs growing from unexpected parts of my anatomy to trim. I’m looking at you, nipple fur.

As it turned out, I might have been a little too hasty to excise my mole because of something a fengshui expert said, according to another reader.

The reader wrote: “Actually, your life path is all in your date of birth. Not about looking at the number of moles you have.”

Oh, now he tells me.

The reader continued: “If you do not mind giving me your date of birth, I can tell who you are and what will become of you. It is free of charge just for you only.

“I set up my company PON Consultant Pte Ltd doing consulting on Life Destiny. If you are keen, please provide me with your date of birth and I will provide you with a 20-page report of who you actually are and what will become of you in the future.”

Flattered as I am that someone is offering something free “just” for me, I find this e-mail disturbing on several existential levels.

First is the idea that everyone’s future is pre-determined on the day he or she is born.

Second is the idea that my life can be summed up in 20 pages. I’m not sure whether it’s too many pages or too few. I don’t know what font size he’s using.

Third is the idea that this stranger, whom I’ve never met and know next to nothing about, expects me to give him my birthdate so that he can unlock everything about me. And you thought Facebook had privacy issues.

And last but not least, the idea of knowing my future is scarier to me than mutant mole hair or any Lady Gaga costume.

I can barely deal with knowing the present.

Have a creepy Halloween and keep the fan mail coming.

- Published in The New Paper, 23 October 2011

UPDATE: I had the "teardrop" mole removed on 15 Nov and it's also in my fridge now.